Friday, 21 October 2011
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Phases
Do you ever feel like dating is such a waste of time? After a few relationships, the cycle becomes repetitive and knowing what's going to happen takes all the fun out of dating in the first place. I enjoy the initial chase, the first eye contact, the line that breaks the ice. I'll even admit I like the first dinner or two and the mild flirting via text. Then we approach the junction where we decide the other person's interesting enough to keep around or if we prefer to divert our attention elsewhere, or both until the latter diminishes the former thought.
The point that I'm trying to reach is that I know the initial excitement is short-lived and once you get to know someone, really get to know them, the dynamics of the relationship changes and the honeymoon stage is over. It's either sticking to one person that you can tolerate enough to be with or going on many first dinners.
Love. Don't confuse infatuation, devotion, or commitment with love. We love in spurts and we love many people. I am capable of loving you when you kiss me passionately, say something so stupid compelling me to laugh, remember something about me, fuck me, introduce me to your friends, get wasted, share a skyline. The moment is brief, but intense enough for me to revisit. Love is capricious and I wouldn't count on it.
Tell me if there's something I'm missing.
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About the Author
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- From: LUST_not_LOVE@xanga
- Name: LUST_not_LOVE
- About Me: I think, therefore I'm single.
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Comments (25)
I think you're missing what makes the fighting stage so extraordinary: making up. If you date someone who truly cares about you and you care about them, then fighting is annoying to a point but you know you're going to make up and everything will be fantastic again. Also, making up (the right way) after a fight can bring you both so much closer than you were before, and it helps you learn about the person, and learn about yourself and the relationship. And after all that, you still feel like you made the best decision of your life when you decided to date them. And that is love.
I'm saying that yes there is a cycle, but when you really belong with that person, it's not bad at all. It brings you both closer together and makes you feel like you two can handle anything together. And in that way, it really isn't a cycle because you don't look at it in that way anymore.
Debbie Downer?
The reason you devote your time and your commitment to someone is because you love them. Whenever you see them, your heart skips a beat. You lose that slight second of breath. You get those butterflies in your stomach again. And no matter what they do, no matter how little or insignificant it seems to others, it brings a smile to your face. There are couples who have been dating for well over several years that can still recreate all those feelings. Don't confuse this "everything is the same" phase with all relationships you may or may not encounter.
You will come across many first dinners. But trust me, when you find that guy, you'll know that love can be everlasting.
How are you trying to define love? To me your definition sounds like infatuation (which is ironic since you mention infatuation first.) The initial attraction etc... the spontaneous moments that are typical of infatuation.
I don't know about that last paragraph of yours but the first paragraph is so true. Dating. I'm supposed to meet a guy (friend of a friends) tomorrow. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I don't like to date. But I figures why not and I am nervous. @_@ Nervous because of all that you mentioned the first paragraph. Will he like me? If so, how will it go, etc. Blegh. lol.
You're confusing love with lust.
What you described right there is not love.
If you truly loved.
-Katie
That doesn't sound like love to me. Of course, all of those things can happen between people in love but love is so much more than that. True love is not short-lived. After 5 years with my husband I can honestly say I love him more now than I did when I initially fell in love with him. I don't get the same excitement from the relationship that I did when we first got together but the love is still very much there, it's just different. It's deeper.
There can definitely be cycles, but when you fight with someone you love, you aren't thinking "Why am I putting up with this person and their shit?". You're thinking, "I'm so mad, hurt, upset, but there's still no one I'd rather be with, so let's fight it out and make it work again". Every day you wake up and make the choice all over again that you're going to love, and show love to, that person just as much as you did the day before, or even more if you can. But it's a choice you want to make. You don't even think for a split second about what other choices you might have. Love
iscommitment, devotion, and a very, very strong form of forgiveness, all combined in to one. And that's just the beginning.
-hale*
Sometimes you never go past the honeymoon phase. Sometimes everything is so perfect, it is eternal happiness.
I'm not a fan of how you're likening any normal relationship to one involving one of the parties being a truly emotional abuser.
See, the photo you posted to go along with the blog speaks of a classic example of an emotional relationship. I know this because I've been in one. My ex fiance did all sorts of nasty things to me, and I could in no way ever relate that relationship to any other normal relationship I've ever had.
The term "honeymoon stage" is the one that angers me the most. Again, because of previous experiences in my life.
I suppose most girls wouldn't understand fully how aggravating comparisons like this are until they're the ones getting raped by the men you're supposed to love and trust with all of your being.
Eric ... I couldn't have said that better than myself.
Case in point in the comparison between the normal relationship and the truly toxic relationship.
I'm pretty much with you 100%. I love the initial flirting, body language, and even the first couple of dates. After that, when it becomes "real", usually I get bored. I don't do fights - if we can't work it out, I don't keep fighting, I just leave. I'm the type of "either it works or it doesn't" and when it doesn't work, I'm gone with the blink of an eye. I've been single for 4 years and I can't IMAGINE ever dating someone again. I love lots of people, just none of them forever.
@fantaiesiesombre@xanga - I didn't put that illustration in. Datingish did. It's not what I would have put up.
I was not talking about any "broken promises" or "abusive incidents" at all. What I tried to vaguely convey is that dating, not relationships, can get old and is only truly exciting because you're just doing the same thing with someone new. It's a clean slate and a fresh start, but eventually one would go through all that excitement and end up in the same place once the newness wore off.
The illustration is a complete misrepresentation of my entry.
@LUST_not_LOVE@xanga - It sounds like Datingish needs to get their shit together and allow you, the actual writer, to pair a picture with your article which makes far more sense. I used to truly enjoy Datingish articles, but now I don't think I'll be reading any more.
But to argue my point, dating = relationships. I don't understand why anyone would want to casually date around. Even when I was single and looking, I didn't casually date. If me and a male or another female decided to date, we'd jump right into it. The whole "game" associated with meeting other singles makes no sense to me either.
I guess my values come from another time when honor and love were more important than playing around.
there are definitely phases in relationships and in love but only with time does it get better not worse.
@LUST_not_LOVE@xanga - Yeah. Few friends who date tell me the same thing, that it's boring. Hence --> single. Though, eating food is often boring as well. I guess we should still eat food because it's healthy. So we stick to forming relationships, despite the awkward transitions from excitement to long silences in which we realize we don't have anything to say, because it's not good to be alone.
@GagaMonster - excellent post.
@Eric Sweat@facebook - ummmm, i casually date. I enjoy casually dating. I don't particularly feel the need to find something "serious" just yet and relish getting to know many people. And @LUST_not_LOVE@xanga - has made a point that quite resonates with me. Now, don't go telling me I don't know "love". I've found that love comes in many forms and manifests itself in many situations. So yes, I feel like I love someone when we share a skyline, or a kiss, or god forbid, fuck like the end is nigh. I am close to that person and yes I love them. However, those moments can be rather fleeting and in the scheme of dating they do not make for a lasting love. I'm still searching AND I LOVE THE JOURNEY.
I agree that finding a new relationship, whether it be dating or more serious, has a point when the excitement of something new wears off and then you have to really decide if you can tolerate, or to put it more nicely, if you really really like this person enough to put effort into making the relationship work and last. I'm at that point in my current relationship and I do believe that I'm going to put effort into it and make it work.
As for love... well, everyone has their own ideas about it. One person's definition is not the same as anothers.
@GagaMonster - Yup.
You don't seem to know love, or you have not met him yet. You don't just love when they do something lovely, it is persistent. To say this is enabling for him to hurt you, when you are not around. You get my drift. He isn't loving you at the moment, so what does he care. I'm at work right now, I work overnights, and I miss and love my girl. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way about their significant other.
@midgetmachine@xanga - You just proved Eric's point in your post. Casually dating doesn't end in love, and you prove this by stating that the love you find is fleeting. Love is never fleeting. Love is strong and true. Only after long periods of time of strain or wear and tear do we feel the need to either come together to work on our issues and end stronger or break apart (i.e. divorce) and abandon those problems. Only the people who truly are strong in all areas remain together to work on their issues - those who'd rather find a new fuck-buddy, or whatever it is kids do these days, break apart.
Weakness can be found prevalent in those who "casually date".
@Eric Sweat@facebook - Hence my point. Adults don't play games when it comes to meeting other people and forming relationships. Only children do.
I see, within this post, a lot of children who truly need to grow up.
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