Thursday, 20 October 2011
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The Thought That Cured Me of Jealousy Forever
Jealousy can be an extremely difficult emotion to shake off. I know this well, as I’ve attempted many unsuccessful “shake offs” in the past.
What made these failed efforts even more frustrating was that I knew how foolish it was to be jealous; it was pointless - exasperating to deal with. I understood all of this perfectly well – and yet, the jealousy pangs would strike, and I’d still wind up entangled in an emotional mess half the time. I hated it.
Then, one night, a long time ago, all of that changed. I stopped feeling jealous. And I haven’t felt it since that night.
It was a Saturday evening, and I was lying in my bed, stewing; I had just said goodnight to my distracted-sounding boyfriend, who was having a “really fun” time hanging out with a group of old friends - which included his ex-girlfriend. I imagined him falling back in love with her like people do in movies – it was probably happening at that very moment, the cad. I could feel my skin turning a delicate shade of green.I started fiddling with my phone. Maybe…I should call him. Again, I thought to myself, knowing full well what would happen if I did. I would start asking him “innocent” questions about the party. He would immediately see through this façade. Things would not end well.
No. I shouldn’t call. I shouldn’t do anything.
So I continued to just lay there, perturbed. I needed a distraction. I turned to my laptop, and decided to seek refuge in 30 Rock. But instead of typing Hulu.com, I found myself typing Google.com instead, and then typing “How to stop feeling jealous.” I tabbed the results and started reading.
Most of the articles weren’t very helpful to me. Most of what I read I already knew, and none of it was making me feel any better than before. I was just about to give up when I came across the article that would change my entire outlook on how to deal with jealousy.
To paraphrase the two main points of the article:
1. If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is going to cheat on you, then s/he is going to cheat on you, and there will be nothing you can do, short of locking him or her in an inescapable cell; likewise, if your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is not someone who would cheat on you, then he or she is not going to cheat on you. The decision to cheat is his/her own to make, and you ultimately have no control over his or her actions.
2. Therefore, all you can do is be best person you can be, and when in doubt, remind yourself that s/he has chosen to be with you for a reason. Jealousy will only weaken those reasons. If s/he wasn’t going to cheat on you in the first place, jealousy’s only going push him or her away, and if he or she was going to cheat on you, jealousy’s only going to hasten the process and lessen his or her sense of personal responsibility.
For some reason, those two points resonated with me – especially the first one. The idea that “If he’s going to cheat, then he’s going to cheat – and if he’s not, then he’s not” may seem like a painfully obvious point, but as soon as I read it, it was like a light bulb went off in my head: whatever my boyfriend chose to do was ultimately out of my control.
It seems like that should’ve been a frightening thought, but it wasn’t. It was liberating. In fact, I think that’s part of why jealousy can feel so terrible – it's the inability to accept how very little control you have over a situation you deeply cared about. So to be reminded that no matter what I did, what I said, or how I behaved, my boyfriend might still go and do whatever he wanted to do, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it? The realization was freeing. Of course, I would still try to be as good a girlfriend as I could, but to worry and fret about anything beyond that was pointless. I couldn't control everything, nor should I try to.
And so with that, I relinquished jealousy that very moment, and traded in the pipe dream of certainty in a romantic relationship for trust instead. Because that’s all I can really do – have faith in my boyfriend, and accept that the rest is out of my hands. And it’s been working out great so far.
Do you guys have any tips of your own that have helped you get over jealousies?
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- From: Helen0912@lovelyish
- Name: Helen0912
- Location: Bay Area, California, United States
- About Me: I'm a sunny Californian with roots in Shanghai and a penchant for loud cities.
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Comments (45)
Number 2 definitely nailed itself on the head. Behavior that results in you trying to be a control freak of anyone's actions except your own usually leads to disastrous results. Everyone always wants to be in control of the relationship, when in reality, being controlling is what drives someone away. The only actions that you have to worry about and control are your own.
I always rely on trust. With my past girlfriends, I've always trusted them to make responsible decisions. I also was very open with them in regards to what I was doing and who was involved. I never really had a jealousy issue except when my last girlfriend would always put talking to another guy on the phone instead of talking to me (mind you that the guy also proposed to her knowing she had a boyfriend). I realized that I don't have to take that immaturity from her and just let it go (the whole relationship after realizing how much damage she has done to me, physically and emotionally).
those are the two main reasons i don't get jealous. sometimes jealousy creeps up on me, because i'm a bit of an attention whore, but not in ways where i'm afraid he'll cheat/leave me etc.
Good for you! I think my jealous moments kind of come and go. I get more pissed off than jealous actually. And really the only guy I have ever been like that with is my husband. Every other boyfriend or fling or whatever I never really cared to the same extent. In the past many girls didn't like me because I had that "I don't care attitude" that apparently is attractive. But now that I am settled I worry about chicks like me. My husband thinks I'm lying when I tell him how horrible women are...silly man!
Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.
I second the que sera, sera sentiment. damn...now that song is stuck in my head.
Thank you so much for this! I've been feeling jealous lately because my boyfriend said he was going out with his friend that is a girl last night. I told him how I felt about it and how I was uncomfortable with the idea of another girl going out with my boyfriend. (we are long distance by the way) He told me I had nothing to worry about and that he isn't attracted to her at all. I still felt insecure but reading this made me realize that it's out of my control. Worrying about it just makes it worse. You can't control what is out of your reach.
I struggled more with envy of people's accomplishments/looks/career/etc. What helped me (I think it was in the Law of Attraction) was the idea that jealousy is a very accurate way of identifying what you really want in life. Now I think about why I am jealous and how I can get some of whatever it is in my life. It's brought me so many amazing things!
This wasn't helpful at all. The simple fact that they will do whatever they want to do doesn't make anything better...you're just pointing out the obvious.
Eh, glad it helped you. I don't get jealous often but when I do I know 100% that he would never cheat on me and that if he didn't want to be together he would tell me. But seeing him with certain friends still occasionally makes me jealous, they have so much history/inside jokes. I feel like an outsider. And he is friends with a couple, and in front of me and her fiance she "jokingly" hits on my bf... drives me crazy and his only response? "just jokes".
Eh, I don't really get jealous. I don't see the point. It doesn't make anything better and all it does is causes problems in my experience.
Yeah, part of maturity is realizing that you have little control over a lot of life, and accepting that.
To me, the book "Why men love bitches" helped a lot. There's a quote that really got to me:
"If another girl can take a guy away from me, then she can have him, because I wouldn't want him anymore."
A lot of the book speaks more about a girl who is happy WITH HERSELF just the way she is. She takes care of herself, has independent interests, and doesn't apologize for who or what she is. She doesn't try too hard to be something she's not. She's not perfect, and that's okay.
@LoveeeLikeASunset@xanga - lol, youre so straightforward
It didnt help me either...but it was a good post!
A little jealously is fine but anything over can ruin anything really.
I won't lie, I do have a bit of jealousies when it comes to other people's lives but I've learned to not let it get the best of me. What will be, will be. Que sera sera
I get jealous when I have to survive.
I was playground-like for awhile and like, I don't matter, nothing matters and these people really want to do this. Who am I to stop them?
Then I realized that I wasn't going to have any money, no home and all this because I was good. I also split off from my desire which was for all the things I'd be oppressed with.
I'll dominate the world yet.
if someone wants to stray, there isn't really much to stop the person, so no use being jealous although that's a somewhat understandable reaction if not to the extreme or other various circumstances. my mentality is that if he cheats, then he can have the other woman, because I won't compete with a skank:D there's someone better for me if he doesn't appreciate me. I told my past guy that he have them and guess what, when I let him have them, he wants me back later, but too late, I already have someone else. some cheaters will regret it forever<3 lol
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - I loved this answer :) Who wrote that book? It sounds good.
@written_conversations@xanga - http://www.scribd.com/doc/17617144/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-
These are the points that have helped me to become much less jealous. I can't say I don't ever feel it still but that is because of my own insecurities that I need to work on. I'd like to be completely rid of it someday though. It's completely useless and it's not the same as other painful emotions like anger or sadness because they can actually teach you something and help you grow.
"It was liberating. In fact, I think that’s part of why jealousy can feel so terrible – it's the inability to accept how very little control you have over a situation you deeply cared about."
That line right there is so true!!! thanks for this post! It really did open my eyes to the foolishness of jealousy.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Oh i wanted to read that book SO bad! I can't to be able to afford it :D or find it in a library when i'm back in the states :) It sounds so epic!!!
And this post is great! It's EXACTLY what unhealthy codependency is about. Trying to take control of a situation you just can't control.
You are years ahead of the crowd. Well done!
One of the best datingish post ever. Props!
I mean, I know I have no control over what my boyfriend does, but I still get jealous. :( I try to do everything in my power to not let him know that I'm jealous. SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T HOLD IT IN
As soon as I read this article I was so happy. I am not jealous at all in my relationship and my boyfriend and roommate always wonder why. These are the reasons why. To add onto it, if he/she cheat, then they were obviously not worth it. That's it.
this exact post was on here like a year ago :/