One of the most immense stresses in a relationship is knowing when to cut ties and end things. For many this is a difficult task. Relationships have their ups and downs.
You're not going to have butterflies in your stomach every time your partner kisses you. The initial chemical infatuation will fade and resurface often, and good relationships rely on substance, trust, and happiness, not just sex and magic.
The lines begin to blur when the relationship isn't awful, but not what we want either.
Do you stay with someone you're content with? If you'd rank your relationship as being a 7/10, you'd probably be hard pressed to jump ship. What about a 5/10?
I'm a very logic-oriented person, and I tend to mentally tally the pros and cons of my relationships (romantic and friendships). Most relationship experts have agreed this is the worst approach to making relationship decisions, because there will always be pros and cons and determining their weight can be nearly impossible. A better approach is to look at your relationship through more realistic measures.
Do you still feel love for your partner and genuinely enjoy being around them? Do you feel that they genuinely enjoy you? If you aren't able to have fun and laugh with them, it's over.
Do you have to fight to have your needs met and get time/attention from your partner? Do you make efforts to give them your time and attention? You need to have mutual value for one another.
Can you think of ways that your partner enhances your life? Can you think of positive effects that you have on their life?
Don't leave if: -You feel happy the majority of the time, enjoy spending time with your partner, and you have fun together (duh?)
Give it a chance if: -There has been some dramatic event or occurrence that is making the relationship rocky; it may be worth waiting out
-You think couple's counseling can help and your partner is willing to give it a try
-You've felt numb or unhappy in your relationship for a period of less than 4 weeks
Seriously consider leaving if: -You've been unhappy with the relationship for greater than 4 weeks
-You feel unloved or undervalued by your partner and have addressed the issue with no effort or interest from them
Leave immediately if: - Your partner is physically or emotionally abusive towards you
-They have cheated more than once (or at all, depending on your willingness and desire to forgive them)
- Your partner has substance abuse issues that they are not attempting to resolve. (This can be touchy, because some people are able to break addictions and you have to weigh in on if you think your partner can really overcome this)
-Your partner disrespects your family, friends, or beliefs
-Your partner is abusive towards animals (I include this because many people who are abusive towards animals develop abuse tendencies towards their partner and children)
-Your friends/family greatly dislike and disapprove of your partner and can list legitimate reasons
-You feel impartial or unloving toward your partner and are unable to look past their mistakes for a reasonable amount of time
-Your partner has threatened to kill themselves if you leave them
-You only stay out of fear of being alone
In your previous relationships, what made you end it? Have you stayed in mediocre relationships? Have you ever waited it out hoping they would end it first?
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Comments (25)
I have stayed in a very bad relationship. he was not supportive, he was very me based, could never do anything with me when I asked or if I asked, but when it came to him wanting to do something I always had to go or he would say I was selfish or didn't love him, everything was always my fault, and yes he did put his hands on me and I finally started defending myself... I left. It was not worth it anymore. he always would say he would work on changing or that he did change and then it was more of the same. I realized that he was not right for, nor even maybe right in the head, so it was over.
My SO now is my true love... he partners with me in everything. Its not just his decision or mine, we make them together, he always excites me andmakes me laugh and I look forward to his company everyday at home. I could not ask for anyone better and he truly makes me happy.
It took me a long time to leave my last ex, since she abused me physically, mentally and emotionally.
With the previous relationships before her, I've been happy in them and wished that they would have lasted longer.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."
I have something to add to each "leave/stay" catagory:
Don't leave if:
- You know you'll just come back. Seriously, that's stupid. People DO NOT need "breaks". You can sort things out together. I know breaks can work out but you have a break every time you're away from your partner. A break is just another way of saying "I want to be single so I can decide if I want to be with you or someone else." Plus it creates a little resentment, always. Leaving someone and coming back when they present change in themselves, if that's the problem, though, is a different story. That's your call as to whether they're sincere or not.
Give it a chance if:
- You've had a MAJOR disagreement (i.e vaccinations for your kids if you plan on having kids, how how they'll be raised, money, etc) Work around that stuff, it's called a relationship, k.
Seriously consider leaving if:
- They have fake panic attacks and fake depression. I know some people legitemately have those issues, but you can tell the difference when someone is faking it. Yeah, some of the happiest people have depression when they're alone, but I know a lot of fakers.
- They pick a fight with you about stupid things. Like spending time with family and friends and having hobbies. If they take your life away from you, don't kid yourself and say "well at least they make me happy, so I can do without my family and my fun time."
Leave immediatly if:
- You KNOW the relationship won't work. If they've left you and pleaded you to come back a thousand times, or they repeatedly cheat, screw them. You won't fix that person, ever.
- They try to change you. If they don't love you for you then they don't love you. I can understand if it's alchoholism or drug abuse or something dangerous, but if you like to lift weights and they say "ewww, your muscles are too big, stop lifting weights or I'm leaving you", then let them date that skiny guy.
You're welcome.
@proudsmartypants@xanga - I agree. :)
This actually helps me out a lot, I'm in a relationship that has its ups and downs. I've considered leaving after he put his hands on me while I was pregnant (he was drunk). I forgave him and he hasn't shown any abuse since. I'm worried that it will eventually show up again, even with our daughter. I grew up in an abusive home and after taking it from my parents for years I decided I was going to stand up for myself. I'm not sure if the decision I made was stupid or if I'll be fine, but the trust has been an issue since.
These past weeks have made me grow farther apart from him because he says a lot of mean hurtful things and when I tell him it bothers me he says sorry and continues to do it. I'm fairly slim and he says that "if you were skinnier you'd be sexier" example of the abuse. I'm not sure if its all normal, knowing that I've never been in a normal enviorment. We haven't worked everything out and we're going to couples therapy, I'm hoping for the best but still think about leaving.
I guess there's a lot more to it since we were both diagnosed with PTSD (yay right?!) I guess all I'm trying to say is that this was a great read.
@Jawesome - i don't know you or anything, but i do know that that should never be said to anyone.
you deserve better, chica.@annnyah@xanga - Thank you. With a lot of things said I'm never sure whats okay and whats not. I guess "common sense" should really be called "rare sense"
@Jawesome - definitely agree with the common sense bit.
but as a general rule of thumb, if someone doesn't make you feel good about yourself, or you feel negative a lot of the time once you're done talking to them, then something's up, and should change. good luck thoughWow, this is such good, strait to the point advice thank you. Going over the list of things about if you should leave right away...made me totally reconsider getting back together with my ex. I love him so much but in a way it's a relief not being with him...
There are so many ways to work things out. If you have that raw love for someone, and they are willing, you can work it out more often than not. Be careful listening to what your friends say, especially if they don't know them well. @Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - I disagree that breaks don't work. My fiance and I broke up for years, although we still saw each other... and now, well... he's my fiance. I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. We're in this together, forever.
@number9 - Congrats. :)
i wasn't in a good relationship once and even though i had ill feelings of leaving, i weathered the storm bc i knew how much it was going to hurt him if i just left. oddly enough, he was feeling the same way too and beat me to the punch. even thought i felt the pain when it ended, i knew it was the best for us. sometimes being apart is better than being together, some people just aren't meant to be. i knew it too bc i had that feeling but it's always hard to say good bye.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Thank you!
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - I have pretty severe depression, and I informed my boyfriend of that well before we started dating and continued to warn him that I can be illogical, violent towards myself, seem ok but really be contemplating suicide, etc. He knows I'm not faking it. It is also the reason that I may pick petty fights or be more than reasonably upset over certain things. I try to recognize it when I can and he helps me, very calmy, try to really talk about the situation and see how to resolve things.
Knowing how to best communicate with your partner about sensitive or high-stress issues can help eliminate the need to end a relationship. If I feel like my partner is spending too much time with frieds/family/work/airsoft and that I am subsequently brushed aside, I'm going to address those issues with him. He does his best to work with me and make me happy.''
This response may be a bit frazzled. I took an Ambien not too long ago.
@proudsmartypants@xanga - That sounds perfect :)
Just what I needed.
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - Don't get me wrong, I definitely understand that completely, that's not something I would take lightly. I know depression isn't something to pick about, I was just saying I know a few people who admit to faking depression just for attention, I wasn't saying everyone who has depression is faking it. Hopefully it wasn't taken that way.
I know what you mean about spending TOO much time on any one of those things, or all of them, but I was leaning more in the direction of people like my brother's ex, who want their partner to never, ever do anything but spend time with them, but then they always fight when they're together, and the least little thing will make her say "get out of my house" (they broke up over a dozen times in a few months). That's all I was saying, it wasn't supposed to sound like one partner should do whatever they want while the other is lonely, because I know that sucks, I just meant they should both be able to enjoy their own hobbies and see friends and family. Heck, they could even share their hobbies with each other and hang out with each others friends and family if that made it easier. You just have to work on stuff together so that both sides are happy.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - LOL "ew you have wayyy too many muscles, you have got to go!" totes hear girls complain about that all the time! who wants a sexy fit strong bf?? haha.
but yeah. what you said. i thought me and my bf weren't gonna make it around this time last year, we'd been fighting more often than usual, he'd become distant and weird - but his parents were getting a divorce, his dad had had an affair. of course he was emotionally effed. he begged me not to end things and we talked a lot and worked through it, and now its been a solid 3 years and neither one of us could be any happier. communication: above EVERYTHING.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - Haha, I know too much muscle is nasty, yeah, I hear that, and I know some girls would rather a guy be a little on the soft-tummy side, but I think the majority of women would prefer the abs, otherwise guys wouldn't be so into being fit haha.
That's great! It really sucks when something doesn't work because communication isn't there. It's horrible that he went through that but at least you worked it out for your own relationship, my girl and I have had numerous similiar misunderstandings where it seems something is going on but it's all because of something happening in their life that's hard to deal with. But when you can work through things and help each other out, you're best friends for life.
Somebody in the next entry or two up could stand to heed this advice...
I was going to have a bone to pick with you about this one but I saw the end part ;D
Your friends/family greatly dislike and disapprove of your partner and can list legitimate reasonsHonestly though, your post actually reflects what is happening to a friend and his girlfriend this moment. My bf just a few hours ago went out to help this friend and help him try for his relationship and possibly show him to grow as a person.
This is very much relevant to the state of affairs happening in my circle. Lol Still great post!
This is a damn good post and once again slaps me in the face telling me to wake up, it's really over. These are good red flags that I did notice but purposely ignored 'cause I loved my ex too much to leave, in the end he was the one to do it.
There's not rationality in love, relationship or romance. Just a cliff and your willingness to jump. Don't know about you but sex and kissing can still be electric. When I am angry at work or school, just calling my girl and hearing her voice calms me: a kiss soothes me. If you try to rationalize that feeling, you would need to understand the electrical impulses emitted by your body under certain conditions, eg happiness, sadness, anger, etc. This is why people hold hands, this is why people kiss, this is why people have sex (among other reasons). There are pheromones, electrical stimuli, temperature, moisture, etc. that lead to emotional responses, whether they be sexual, nurturing, calming, etc..
I'm also confused about the 7/10 vs 5/10 mention. 10/10 being the highest in good? If so, why would you not break up at 5/10 if you are already willing to jump ship at 7/10?
If you do want to try to rationalize it, do the blind justice scale, once the cons outweigh the pros, cut him/her loose. So at 4.999999/10
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