Monday, 17 October 2011
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Staying Together Whilst Studying Abroad
If you are more than halfway through your undergraduate years of college like I currently am, you probably will agree that studying abroad is commonly a topic of conversation among your peers. For some of us the idea of studying abroad is far more tangible and real than others. Nonetheless, I'm sure many of you have wondered what you would do about your relationship if the opportunity to travel for a semester presented itself.One of my good friends, Dani, who I used to go to sleep away camp with is studying in Italy for the current semester. Her girlfriend, Kayla, is studying in Uruguay. This is a tough situation for them for a number of reasons:
- Dani and Kayla are fairly shy people, so they aren't willing to tell the people in their respective programs about their relationship at home. This leads them to feel even more alone while being so far away from each other.
- Kayla will soon be spending an entire month without internet, so the small amount that she and Dani are currently talking will become complete separation. Not to mention the fact that their days are so far apart when it comes to time zones. Their schedules don't mash up well now, so even while they have the means to talk, they don't really have the time to do so.
- They have not experienced an LDR before now. They met at the same college and have only been in relationships previously where they were with their SOs on a day-to-day basis. Not only is this their first experience with being apart from each other for such a long period of time, it's their first experience being apart from each other at all.
I haven't decided yet or, really, hashed out the details when it comes to my own ideas of studying abroad, but if I do I think I want to go to Paris. Thankfully, if I do so I'll have plenty of means to communicate with L. On top of that, L is a year younger than I am so I'm trying to wait until there's a chance that we can both be away at the same time rather than having to tolerate a full year of separation. At least for Kayla and Dani, they are killing two birds with one stone because they are studying abroad at the same time.
Kayla and Dani have toyed with the idea of taking a break while they're on different continents and I can't say, personally, whether or not that's a bad idea. Taking a break from each other doesn't mean their feelings have changed, but it does give them a sense of freedom at least in the stress column. They haven't really expressed desires to hook up with other people on their trips, but they haven't necessarily said that they definitely wouldn't do that. If it were me, I think I'd try to stay together with L, but I guess we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Have you ever dated someone who was also studying abroad? Have you ever studied abroad and left your SO behind? What would you do in this kind of situation?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (25)
LDRs are tough. The only reason I'm making mine work is because we talk every day. That's not going to be a fun month for the two of them. I know I'd have a helluva time with it.
An entire month of no communication at all??? That will take incredible dedication.
I can't imagine not talking to my boyfriend (we're also in an LDR) for even a week! In order to accomplish a full month, you will need to feel very secure in your relationship, and have no doubts about anything... or else you may end up tearing yourself apart, then when you finally have contact again, you may feel disconnected.
A month is nothin'.
Love knows no distance, but sadly we are confined to our bodies to some degree. If you love someone, it can last forever, a month (or much longer) of not talking doesn't really matter (ever seen The Notebook?) but my suggestion is usually to just 'break up' (all of these defining terms in relationships are so stupid) and when she comes back, see what happens. It's not that long, she should just do her own thing while she's there. You can love someone and go years without talking to them... But If he loves her, wouldn't he want her to be free and have a good time while she's away?
god i honestly hope everyone who writes on this website dies.
any ldr is going to take work, trust, honesty and lots of communication. any kind of relationship will work if you're willing to make it work.
Kind of LDRing now, my boyfriend is in another country while I'm here studying. It's hard but we talk everyday and send each pictures and do everything we can for each other. It's hard but it's life.
@Gina - Agreed, whatever they decide to do, a month isn't a long time. I know a couple who completely lost contact for years but got back together later because of what they had.
@WhyILoveYouNeverKnow - I agree with you to a certain point. All this terminology for LOVE. Love is supposed to go beyond all of this crap. LTR, LDR, SO, bf, gf, to a certain degree, WHO CARES. LOVE is what matters. And sex. Love and sex. Love is a mad, freewheeling ride, it's not just about making cute calls to one another to tell them you <3 them (although those can be fun). With love, it's all good. I think that's the only term we need anymore the rest should be considered obsolete. Sex is vital too though. And fucking. Doin' it. Tappin' it. etc.
I think it's important to decide what you want from the relationship and communicate that to your SO. My roommate studied abroad and ended up breaking it off with her boyfriend, who thought they were already on a break. If both parties want to stay together, they need to work at it and make it work.
My boyfriend is in Taiwan while I'm in the US. It's really hard, and sometimes I do get sad and break down ... especially when I see all my roommates with their boyfriends, but I try to think positively. I also talk to him about once a day, which helps. :)
It will totally work if they don't meet anyone else they're attracted to.
I'm studying abroad in Australia right now; my gal is still in the U.S. It's definitely more difficult than a non-distanced relationship, but it's plausible if you both want to keep the relationship going. The important thing is that you communicate when you can and, perhaps more importantly, that each of you find something to do to occupy your free time. It's a lot easier on me than my girlfriend, because I have anime and video games to keep my mind off the big stuff, while she's used to spending most of her time with me. Well, she also has books, but she burns through them faster than a fire would, so that doesn't last long.
Also, for the sake of your own ass, I strongly suggest you don't propose taking a break while away. I did this with my girlfriend when I felt really uncertain about the experience, and I almost immediately felt a layer of trust peel away. I swear, she has a devotion of steel to put up with the crazy shit I propose sometimes.
i studied abroad last spring to shanghai. my boyfriend and i were 12 hours apart. we made it work. it takes dedication and a lot of devotion. we wrote emails to each other everyday and skyped every morning and night. if that wasn't possible, i'd be sure to write letters and postcards often.
one thing to keep in mind is that study abroad is only temporary. the two of you will be back together again.
Not really studying abroad, but my bf and I were long distance for the first 9 months of our relationship, and only a month after that ended, I went away for a month with absolutely no form of contact. We did fine.
Same thing happened the next summer with a month of no contact. We still did fine. We missed each other like crazy and felt lonely, but never did it interfere in our commitment to each other.
If both parties are dedicated to the relationship and you are a good match, it'll be hard, but it's completely possible.
I want to go to Spain to study abroad, but I really couldn't fathom being away from my boyfriend for an entire semester. I see him every day and he's literally my best friend. I don't know if I could do it.
my younger brother and his girlfriend just celebrated their 7 months together except via sending each other letters and emails with pictures. She's studying somewhere you'd have to fly for 3 hrs and he's studying here back home. They don't have to struggle with time zone differences so they talk EVERY night on msn webcamming and catching up to chat about small things. When they first met, she was here for a visit for the summer. Then in Sept. off she went. My brother is pretty dedicated and loyal to her and I hope she's the same. But the main key ingredient to their ever sweet but gag reflexive relationship can be chalked up to their communication and openness to talk every day.
Frankly Ive never done a LDR. I'm not built for that sort of separation and missing the s.o. My fiance and Ive been talking about how he might take a new position within his company that requires him to move away from our home and it's no question, I'd go with him. Whatever I'll be doing, we'll figure it out but, I'd be going with him. Neither of us would ever want to be doing a LDR beyond a couple of days, I don't know about my so but I've done it a couple of times and it did not work out for the best. Some people can and major kudos when they can, but I think it also comes with responsibilities and age. When you're just "dating" I think it'd be easier for some reason. When you're at my age (almost 30) and engaged, a wedding plan together and courses to take (catholic marriage prep), etc... it's hardly something one would enjoy doing alone.
i studied abroad with my girlfriend (in shanghai), so... guess i lucked out, haha. must be tough, though. one of my fraternity brothers is currently abroad with his gf back here at home.
the other day, though, they celebrated their 9 months... so i guess it can't be all bad. lol
I mean I'm currently under the same dilemma. I really want to study abroad for a semester and my boyfriend will stay here....
But if the choice is between doing a long distance relationship and breaking up, there really isn't much of a choice. Yes it will kill me not being able to see him for a semester, but wouldn't it be worse to completely break up and I never see or hold or kiss him again!?!
I'm going through basically the same situation. My boyfriend is going to be studying abroad in a different time zone, and even though we've experienced long distance before I'm not looking forward to it... He's also going to be without internet (except sporadically!) and likely without ANY phone service at all (he won't buy a prepaid plan -_- ). I feel like I'm going to die of anxiety haha.
I don't understand the "let's break up for now so there's less stress." If I broke up with my boyfriend there's no way I would be less stressed out. I'd still be worried about him being mugged, or attacked by wild animals, or getting sick, etc. I feel we'd be stronger for dealing with the separation together anyway; you can't break up every time things get difficult .
Both my SO and I plan on studying abroad. We're currently two hours away from each other at school anyway, and its difficult. Over the summer I went to Mexico and couldn't contact him at all and it SUCKEDDD. But, in the end it is all worth it. I don't see the point in going on a break to be honest, but thats just me. It would only make things worse for me.
I studied abroad, met someone, then left THEM behind when I came home. I think that is actually worse. x.x
But anyway, I definitely think it is easiest to study abroad in the same time period. I know a couple that both when to Europe (one Spain, one Italy), stayed in contact. One visited the other once, and then even when to France together so I think it worked out great for them. I think it also is great if you can study in the same country, different universities. I know someone who is doing that with her boyfriend in Belgium. They live there together and each go to a different university. Then there is just going through the same program together, like the two people I met in Cairo who were in a relationship and just came to the same university for their study abroad.
I've also seen a big failure of study abroad. My two closest friends broke up because of it. One when to China for the year, and they decided to take a break so they could mess around with other people. The kicker is the other one was coming to China too, same university and program, just a semester later. She came back, then 6 months later he came back, and they are still clearly good friends so I'm not even sure what happened there.
I think studying abroad is just one of those ways relationships are tested. Sometimes it is a good thing because it accelerates the end of a relationship that was not going to make it anyway,
Didn't work for me. Wrong time, wrong place and bad circumstances. I would change a lot about my decision if I could, but ultimately, the distance was just too much. Hilarious, because I still haven't been with another girl and she returned a while ago... but still...
I was in an LDR for a semester. And although it wasn't your typical LDR (we were only an hour and 30 minutes apart) it was still tough. I did get to see him either every weekend or every other weekend. But I wasn't able to just drive to see him during the week or if I needed to talk to him or wanted to see him. And I didn't like that. But, we made it work. I know that there are a lot worse LDR situations, but my belief is that if you truly love each other you will find a way to make the relationship work, whether you're inches or worlds apart. This makes me think of a song my sister and I used to sing together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnzH5P-qL4o
I'm currently experiencing this right now, my SO is in Denmark and I'm in the UK so there isn't much of a time difference but is making new friends working on his masters, going out having fun and is forgetting me I guess. I asked him to contact me at least a week as I worry about him and well I'm battling with family problems but alas he should be doing this anyway, i don't want to stifle him so I am considering doing what's best for both of us even if it means we end...I love him and want him to succeed in his life.
I'm currently in a LDR with my BF of 2 years. He's away at school but comes home for breaks and holidays (he'll be home in 2months) But in all honesty, the shit is hard. At first, it wasn't that bad we kept in contact often (skyping everyday/night, texting throughout the day) but now it's different. I kinda feel he has this "out of sight. out of mind" attitude with me. We hardly talk as much as we did before. I tend to talk to him more so than he does to me and for me I feel like I am the only one putting in the effort. He can go days without speaking with me and it really brings me down. I blame it on the fact that he has a much more busier schedule than me but it's still hard to deal with not hearing from him for days! And I pretty sure he talks with other people. So why can't he just talk with me? =[
But anyways, my advice to anyone whose about to tackle an LDR make sure you are able to deal with the distance. And, I don't just mean counting the miles. I mean the fact that you'll go months without holding each other, kissing or to just be able to sit next to them. And also be prepared for situations like mines. Where the other person might be so "busy" that they'll rarely make time for you. And all you'll feel is lonely and sad. The best way to avoid this is to keep yourself busy. If you are an already busy person you're in luck. You'll more so be able to handle this better than people who don't have a lot to occupy their mind. I also think if you guys kept some kind of schedule with each other. It make things easier so you'll know when you'll get to talk or see other again. For example, making dates to skype each other etc. And the main thing is to be able to trust them. If there is no trust, in any relationship especially LDRs, then there's no relationship.
I miss my boyfriend so f*cking much, I wish we were together all the time.
We are in an LDR, I am in Japan and he is in the US right now, I'm studying abroad for a year. T-T If I could choose again, I probably would have chose to just do a summer program in Japan, but I had to choose the program a year ago (when we first started dating lol) and so I chose a year because I always figured I wanted to do it.
Anyway the first month and a half SUCKED, I missed him so much, I didn't have many friends yet, I live off campus and so I didn't see college people much, I felt depressed all the time and I really wanted to go home. After that though it's gotten a lot easier. I still miss him all the time and I constantly think of him and my sexual frustration has risen to unseen heights, but I know that through all of this we are proving that we really love each other so much we can stay true to each other even across 7,000 miles. Also when we are finally together again it will be amazing.
I already went home once (family event) and we hung out for a week and it was so fun, and he is going to come here in a few months to hang out with me, and then after that we probably won't see each other for another few months T0T
It's really tough and my recommendation to people wanting to study abroad out there is STAY SINGLE! OIMFESOGIJSPEGIJ But if you are already in a relationship and you think it's worth it (my boyfriend is totally worth it) then try your best to stay with each other! And hopefully your SO is someone you can trust, I know my boyfriend is. He hasn't ever done anything to make me think otherwise. We still talk like twice a day for an hour.
Also, finally, I DO get crushes on other guys. All the time. But I know it's a sexual thing and not anything that's really worth it in the long run. I always think, if I were to go for one of these guys, not only would I lose my boyfriend, but then I'd just be stuck in another exact situation where I am with a guy here for a year and then I have to go home and be long-distance again. Stupid.
So yeah, it fucking SUCKS but I'm toughing it out, and i can't wait to see my boyfriend again. :D I know the months will pass by quickly and before I know it we will be together again.