Monday, 17 October 2011
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The Villain
A lot, if not every guy, knows this situation. You try to break up with your SO for reasons that are yours alone. You explain said reason. Let's say you are a guy who just isn't happy in the relationship. No cheating involved. You're doing nothing wrong, you just are not happy and you want to let her down easy and have a civil talk. She's shocked, she can't believe it. Then you walk away thinking everything has been laid out and it'll be fine. Wrong.
As soon as she tells her friends, the wrong idea is now being thought about you. Suddenly you are a jerk for hurting her. If she wants to get back with you and you don't want to, you're an asshole. Your reason was not properly explained to her friends (both male and female). Now everyone's looking at you as if you just murdered a child. Your reputation (if any) is now being broken down because of all the judgements. It's perfectly fine for a girl to end the relationship. But when a guy does it, they think he's an ass. They assume you're hiding something and before you know it, you are labeled as a cheat.
Not familiar? Well, let's look at it the other way around. Your girlfriend cheats on you and you can't believe it. You get mad. At first you will get some kind of sympathy. But suddenly, it happens. You hear about how you were never there. Or how you made her lonely. You were not making her happy. That you were not treating her right even though you tried your best to treat her like a princess. Or you hear about how you smothered her. Pretty much, the situation turns around and you look like the bad guy.
Whatever the situation, you are left asking the obvious question: "How am I the bad guy in this?!"
It happens to a lot of guys who ARE loyal to their SO. Who are always there at the drop of a hat. Granted not all guys are saints. But for guys like my friend who is now about to lose his circle of friends because he broke up with his girl. My friend who just got kicked out of his friends' apartment because of that break up and is now temporarily living in my living room.
He has no other girl. He's not being a douche about it. In fact, he was the one who tried to remain friends with the girl. Who answered her phone calls days after the break up to try and comfort her but not make her expect. That guy is now labeled by his friends as the villain in this whole stupid love story. And the worst part is that the girl isn't even trying to explain to those people who have now alienated this person.
It seems because of the stereotype towards men, he is now in the long list of male cheaters when he was always loyal. And I can't even help because his friends are not my friends. He just came to my doorstep in the middle of the night, asking for a place to stay.
Why is it so easy to turn a situation like this around on a man? Unless the woman is a complete slut, everyone takes her side and the man is left with his side of the story with no one willing to listen.
I know that this situation does not always apply to everyone and that not all men are saints. Some deserve to be treated that way. But I'm trying to speak for those who never deserved that kind of treatment but got it anyway just because they are men.
Does he deserve this kind of treatment? How many times have you been blamed for something and no one is willing to hear your side of the story?
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- From: ecksfrias@xanga
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Comments (24)
It is sad, but this happens a lot to both men and women... I have been blamed for something similar yet none of it was true... my ex was so messed up whatever he was that it just messed up his head. And while my friends knew it wasn't true, he led his family to believe every lie he told to himself and them. In the end it bit him in the butt when they found out that what I told them was true, but it's still not nice and people need to stop such immaturity and it is also such a lack of respect. I think it has to do with image and mind set. These people see themselves as undumpable and so it must not be their fault and all yours, so they make everyone around them think it is your fault and you were the only one wrong in the entire thing. Sad, but true. My ex blamed me for his ex before me leaving him... I don't even know this woman. Didn't even know either of them at the time, yet it was my fault. Just like his truck when the engine blew up, also before my time with him... see what I am getting at. Nothing is ever their fault.
So no what happened to your friend is NOT fair, but it happens all the time.
people in general have a tendency to want to feel/seem victimized.
You're wrong in assuming that this doesn't happen when it's the other way around. I broke up with a guy once and all of his friends (as well as mine) called me a bitch and wouldn't associate with me anymore. There was no other guy and I tried to explain myself, but no-one would listen. It happens. That's life. If people won't accept your decisions (especially if they're justified), then who would want to be friends with them anyway? It sounds like it's time for your friend to move on with his life and get friends who actually respect him and the decisions he makes.
Absolutely true. Women in particular tend to think of every horrible thing they could possibly consider. The thing is, they're often actually utterly CONVINCED these things are true. It's a simple psychological idea, they don't know how in the world they are not with the guy they like so they figure out unbelievable things about him. It's a sign that they still like and care a lot about their ex. It's worst when there's cross-over between your social circles. It's a lot easier to hate on a guy than a girl and I have found it's much more frequent than a guy starting rumors or stuff like that than it is for a guy to do the same to a girl. It's not only that they're a villain, it's any other thing that could possibly be wrong with them or belittle them. It's unbelievable, I've heard some terrible things in my time that have made guys lose a lot of their friends during a break-up. DON'T DO IT LADIES (and gentleman).
This is true when girls break up with guys too.
I agree it happens more to the guy in the relationship than the girl. I can think of a lot of reasons, too many to list perhaps, but one is that girls are more prone to gossip.
(1) sometimes people need to make the person who is breaking up with them seem like the bad guy in order to move on. Even if your friend was civil and totally mature about this break up, she has to seem him as someone evil so she can actually move on. How easy is it to move on from someone who was nice about it? not so easy , infact it would be hard to let go of someone so great. She won't see it not because she's blinded by emotions but later she'll respect your friend.
(2) it does not just happen to guys only. A friend of mine (female) and even myself have broken up with a boyfriend, simply because we weren't happy in the relationship (both men in the situations were very controlling). After we split, and I accepted the single life I began going clubbing (something my ex never let me). I then was looked as some slut and it didn't make things better that he was talking alot of crap. So all in all, no a girl is looked as a slut or a total bitch if she breaks up with the "sweet" guy.
This goes the other way around too! Not just a man thing. Anyway, people are cruel and quick to think the worst of people. Nothing one can do but speak up or ignore it.
who cares what some chick thinks of him?
women say a lot of stuff, they don't really have a filter...so in the end, you are a jerk no matter what...so the whole situation becomes irrelevant.
I clicked on this solely because I thought it would be an entry about Christoph Waltz. haha.
Because girls are lying cunts, to be blunt about it. They've spent too many years having Dr. Phil / Oprah / teachers etc tell them that because they're female, they can do no wrong - so they have to lie to make you the bad guy in everything.
Umm it goes both ways.... But I hate some people need to play the victim.
How are you even sure you're getting the truth from him?
He wouldn't ask you for a place to stay and be like "yeah dude I cheated on her, can I crash here?":/This EXACT THING happened to my boyfriend with his ex. She basically ruined his reputation over nothing. :\
I've had situations like this, and it does go both ways.
I dumped my boyfriend of 2 years when I got fed up with him constantly cheating on me (he would admit it) and hitting me (he would boast to his friends about it). I left him on my 18th birthday, after finding out that he used MY money to go to a strip club instead of coming to my bday party. Two weeks later, he had moved in with a new friend who didn't know him before hand. He kept trying to get back with me, and I had finally gotten the confidence and self-esteem to tell him to fuck off. Then one day he went missing and this new friend/roomie called me saying "I think *bf* is on cocaine again and I haven't heard from him in two days". I said, "Oh, doing cocaine AGAIN? I never knew he did cocaine." and the roomie said, "what? He told me you knew, because he always went to your house and slept all day from his hang overs. You guys fought a lot about it, he said." I responded, "*bf* told me he would never, ever, ever do any drugs besides weed. He promised me that years ago. If he's on cocaine, you're on your fucking own. Goodluck."
Both the roomie and my ex called me a day later, leaving nasty voicemails. Well, the ex said that he was in a "bad place" and that I "hurt him real bad" and I'm "kicking him while he's down". The roomie said I was a cold, heartless bitch who didn't deserve my ex.
Years later... My ex dropped out of community college after 8 years there, has bounced around working from fast food joint to fast food joint, impregnated a girl, and lives in the dumps. I graduated from a nice university, I'm fluent in several languages, traveled the world, make a great living, and so fucking happy with life that some days I feel like jumping for joy that I finally stood up to him and left.
There's still scars on my body from him, but there's no scars on me emotionally. I live a great life, despite what his "new friend" thought those many years ago (btw, all the mutual friends we had sided with me even though I never talked to them and left them all out of the picture assuming they'd pick his side because they were HIS friends, I was not allowed to have my own friends).
If she's shocked maybe she was fooled into thinking you actually loved her when you didn't. You're the villain for stringing her along, not because you're male.
I live with that everyday the only difference is it's my step mom making me look bad so her kids look better.
everyone thinks I'm a dirt bag now and I'm selfish and mean,.she does it to my poor dad too when he treats her like a princess. They like playing victim so we get stuck in the role of bad guy... She's very manipulative and passive aggressive so you can't pin anything on her, she sneaky so it makes it look like it's always our fault.
@BimmerPhile@xanga - If only it was all true for the female population. Lol
OP:It doesn't have be romantic issues but I have been blamed for things way out of my control and made to look bad in front of other people etc;. I'm surprised she didn't correct her friends and fix the issues. I guess people want someone to be the bad guy but sometimes there is not one. Sometimes everyone is just as much as fault. I wish people would stop seeing everything in black and white or stop seeing it like they want to instead of accepting what it is really.
I had a guy who beat me, cheated on me with both men and women, and took money from me. The best part was when a girl approached me several months post-break up and slapped me across the face for "what a bitch I am" and "how I treated RJ".
Crazy shit, non?
Reading the above comments, most female commentators generally try to justify the means to the ex gf's behavior (possibly to defend the gender?) Thing is, of course stuff like this happens on both sides, people are people and it really depends on what kind of person is what. But the important factor is that THIS post is about a GUY's perspective and he probably wants feedback based solely on THIS story.
That said, in my opinion, the ex girlfriend is a totally insecure female to begin with. Jumping to conclusions, blabbing to friends and stating claims without facts, believing in what other people tell her, not getting the whole-hearted truth from THE SOURCE... yeah, pretty typical behavior of an insecure woman. The bad guy in this situation isn't the guy, it's the girl. Since she is suffering from the break up (as if he isn't either), people will go to comfort her and tell her what a great gal she is regardless of the fact that half of the stuff she says about her ex isn't even true. People will generally take the side of the person who got dumped, not the dumpee. There is always a reason for someoone breaking up with someone, and for this ex gf, her insecurity is screaming at her to find excuses and besides realizing the fact that, yes, feelings DO die down, she had to point the blame on him. Such a shame, actually, for I've seen this kind of crap before. Most girls are drama, so to speak, and I think he should just drop her ass, screw the "friends", and go.
Chris Waltz was so hilarious. funny version of lecter
1. Your friend could very well have lied to you.
2. Your friend, even if being honest, still could have been a complete asshole during the breakup.
3. Your friend may be perfectly innocent but was still stringing her along.
4. Your friend may have done everything right but the girl needs a chance to recover, and hating him makes it easier for her to move on.
That said, whatever happened, I think that anyone who makes up shit about the exes are childish and ridiculous. What's sad is I've encountered men who are cheaters, consistently, who like to pin everything on their ex-girlfriends and call them "crazy ex girlfriend" or hormonal, emotional, irrational, etc. Because are always irrational, you know.
I've also encountered women who are cheaters who, indeed, justify their behaviors by saying "you were never there" and people side with them for some stupid reason. I think it's stupid. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. They should have no sympathy. Lonely in your relationship? Break up. Sex is terrible? Break up. Don't know how to talk to each other anymore? Fucking sit down on a couch and have a conversation or break up. Grow the fuck up.
Yes, I've had this sort of situation before. And you know what I've decided? Anyone who won't listen to my side of the story can fuck off because I have no use for people like that in my life. People claim this isn't about men vs. women. Ok, fine. People suck. Pack up your bags and move on.