Friday, 14 October 2011
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He's Not the Person I Thought He Was
Looking back on my past relationships, I am not sure what I was thinking. Everything was always fine and peachy in the beginning, but there was always a certain point in the relationship where I started to see red flags. The rational side of me picked up on them immediately. Things like; standing me up for dates, talking down to me (like they thought I was an idiot), noticing other girls more, bailing on me for friends,etc. However, the hopeless romantic side of me just wrote them off as things that "boys just do." Another side of me wrote them off because I had this fear of becoming the dreaded "bitchy" girlfriend.
I never said anything until things just didn't seem fair to me at all and I just couldn't take it anymore.
This always ended up in an argument where my significant other would talk at me for an hour about how dumb I was to think what I thought.
When I met my ex-boyfriend, "Austen," everything seemed perfect at first. We had a lot in common and soon fell madly in love with each other (or so I thought). We both wanted to go to the same college and made plans to move to the college town together. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go because he sabotaged the whole thing. We were together for almost a year before I started to notice a drastic change in his behavior towards me.
If I didn't understand a witty joke he told, he belittled me. If I didn't agree with him all the time, I never loved him. He liked to be around me less. He didn't like to talk much. He actually got to the point where he had no concern over the things that were important to me.
It was heartbreaking knowing that he wasn't the man I fell in love with. Every promise, every word, every action was all a fallacy. I was so blind with love I centered my whole world around him. Eventually reality forced me to come crashing back down...hard.
After we broke up, I felt lost. My self-esteem plummeted drastically and I became scared of people and what they might think about me.
Women come at everything emotionally. It's really easy for us to get caught up in the moment and not be aware of issues. We fall in love so deeply we end up believing the person is perfect. After they start showing us warning signs, it becomes harder for us to deal with the situation the way we should...rationally. If we just took a step back to look at things more objectively, I believe we wouldn't end up heartbroken as often.
So when you meet Mr. Right, keep in mind that he may only be Mr. Right Now. Be more conscious of what you deserve and do not settle for anything less. If you start to notice red flags, take a minute to try to tame the emotional turmoil you might be experiencing to decide whether or not the relationship is good for you.
And remember:
You're amazing and he is lucky to be graced with your presence.
Have you ever felt this way?
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About the Author
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- From: rachybakebake
- Name: rachybakebake
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- About Me: I am a psych major incredibly interested in romantic human behavior. I am also a musician who likes to chronicle all my love life stories in my music. I love reading, video games, and learning new things. I am an open minded individual who believes everyone should be loved and appreciated for who they really are.
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Comments (28)
"You're amazing and he is lucky to be graced with your presence."
On come on, we can't ALL be amazing!
My last relationships was my only abusive relationship.
My first relationship was a pretty great one that lasted over 3 years. We fit each other pretty well and understood what each other's needs were. There were a few times where we got into arguments, but we resolved them quickly. It was a shame though when we broke up because she wanted to experience college (hooking up, drinking, smoking).
My second relationships was much closer than the first, even though it only lasted 11 months. We didn't have any arguments and we got along with each other as well as each other's friends. I felt she simply broke up with me because she got bored of me. There could also be the fact that maybe I was holding her back from enjoying things she likes like clubbing.
I now sit single, wondering when I'm going to meet the next girl I would love to spend my time with.
totally been there. and agreed on all accounts. =) i still remember the day an ex got mad i didnt let him write on my face with a sharpie. him pinning me down hard at his anger that i wouldnt be playful and marking me to "win". i was a dumbass for staying as long as i did. but if only i had listened to my mind warnging me... yup! =) good post. and as always folks, it goes both ways. make and female.
hahah this is me right now..
I feel this way all the time
the guy that I was dating was "mr right now" at first but then suddenly little things got to me and I became really upset about it. I didn't deal with them because I felt like I was just being a bitchy boyfriend but in the end I had to do whats best for and let him go because he wasn't going to change his ways. I accepted them and moved on. We all deserve better.
I learned to never settle for the less.
but anyways, great post!
"Graced by your presence." Beautiful.
Well yes I am sure we have all felt this way, but also put the shoe on the other foot... are you not the person he thought you were as well... See this can go both ways.
i did have an ex who wasn't anything i thought he was or what he played out to be. i was so disappointed. you can't be someone you're not, it's never going to work.
I felt that way with every guy I was with before meeting my husband. One of the main reasons I married my husband is because of his honesty, confidence, and the respect he has for me and shows me on a daily basis. When you find the right man, he will ALWAYS care about your feelings and never try to belittle you. GOOD post!
not that exact way. but definately agree with the title "He's not the person i thought he was"... isnt that the truth. so early theres so much we dont know.
dont put all your eggs in one basket ladies! especially in the beginning. only give trust thats earned.
Just broke up with my ex recently, cause of this stuff. I was dumb enough to try to deal with it for 4 years, because I was so in love too..... boy, was I wrong about what love is..... but hey, I've lived through it, and Definitely have learned! I will Never go through that kind of bullshit ever again.
Mr. Right Now.... that's a very good one. I'll keep it in mind from now on... when I meet the next "Mr. Right". I too, definitely ignored red flags because I decided to trust my heart.
I'm really glad you were able to realize he wasn't right for you and get out of this. It is definitely so easy to fall into the love trap. Keep going strong girl! You have a lot to offer.
@wyrdkismet@xanga - the "love trap" lol
@ferafenxo - xD
The same thing happened to me. Emotionally abusive. So, i broke up with him. It's hard, but I knew I deserved better.
I just got out of a similar situation. Be sure to give your heart a rest before you open it up to another person! Every girl deserves to be treated right, and not belittled or mistreated. You did the right thing, and remember you didn't do anything wrong; and certainly nothing to deserve that type of treatment!
"Women come at everything emotionally."
No, not this woman. You can only vouch for yourself.
Thank you, I really needed this post. How you described your feelings after your break-up is how I feel now. It's good to have a reminder of what I deserve.
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Not all women look at everything emotionally. I've been criticized for being rational to the point where I'm accused of being too cold.
that is true about how women always fall into relationships so deeply and they don't think about the big picture, they think everything is fine.
makes me want to step back and look at my relationship, but i dont want to look too close and see the cracks...
There is a subtle jab in here that guys don't get emotional. Definitely not the case, just sayin'. Finding someone who genuinely cares is something all thoughtful or decent people want. Someone we can fall in love with and have something that doesn't leave us bankrupt and homeless or some other equivalent.
I currently feel this way. I am dating this guy, and we have our whole life planned out. But I've getting sadder and sadder as the weeks go on. We've been together 2.5 years, - nearly three. I don't know what to do. And I feel trapped.I can't turn to anyone for help because I'm stubborn and scared. =/
As some commenters have said, you over-generalize women in this post, which is unnecessary and irritating. You should not paint broad strokes over an entire gender. Many women are rational and go into relationships with that mindset; just as many men are emotional and it's difficult for them to think rationally while in relationships. I've dated those kinds of men.
I see you are a psychology major and I assume you wish to help people with your degree, so I hope you take these comments to heart and refrain from blanket statements in the future. Because stereotyping does nothing except mislead people and makes those who don't fit into that gender stereotype feel like there is something wrong with them. Keep that in mind.