Friday, 14 October 2011
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When She Says She Has a Boyfriend, the Message She's Sending May Not Be What You're Receiving
I think one of the biggest yet most rational reasons why many guys are afraid to ask women out, especially very attractive women, is that they're afraid to be told something along the lines of "I have a boyfriend." Typically, when a woman tells a guy that pursued her this, he will lose control. It will send him in a frenzy because everything was fine and harmless until then.
Think about it - a guy who is not a natural at approaching women will have to accumulate a lot of energy just to develop the nerve to go up to talk to a girl that he finds attractive. When he asks her out and she says "I already have a boyfriend, sorry" or somehow she brings her boyfriend up, all that energy will just implode. He would become so self-conscious and feel so embarrassed that it becomes very difficult for him to continue on speaking while at ease because he now feels so tense.
When this happens, his response would be along the lines of "Oh...okay..." while fiddling around and looking nervous. When he breaks off the conversation, he will walk away with that really nasty feeling in his chest that makes him want to beat himself up. No guy wants to EVER experience this feeling, so it can be understandable why they would be afraid to approach women they're attracted to.
Now of course, there are some guys who are so cocky that they will continue to be pushy like the guy that Daybreak met at the Dave Matthews Band concert, and then there are guys who are so skilled and so in control that they can take advantage of the situation.
Most guys believe that when a woman says she's already committed to someone, she's just being loyal to whoever that guy is. Makes sense, right? After some deeper studying however, I found that may not be the case. In fact, most of the time this isn't the case. I firmly believe when a woman tells a guy "I have a boyfriend," she's either 1) Testing to see how he handles it, or 2) She's not interested in him whatsoever and is trying to blow him off.
A woman will even lie about having a boyfriend to a guy that she wants to leave her alone. On the flip side however, a guy who is very skilled and successful with women has the ability to make a woman fall for him even if she has been married for a number of years. This woman will either not even bring up the fact that she's committed or if she does, the guy will be able to counter it very well. This is especially true if she recently had a fight with her mate or the relationship is all but lame.
I believe one of the first steps to approaching women you're interested in if you're not skilled in that area is to completely erase from your mind "What if she has a boyfriend or husband?" That will help prop yourself up and not make you feel intimidated and/or embarrassed that you're somehow walking into territory you don't belong in. Every woman who walks alone is fair game, and it is up to you to learn how to handle the circumstances properly.
Thoughts?
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- From: Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga
- About Me: I have been using Xanga since August 2001 and have seen a lot of changes since then.
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Comments (89)
i think its more of the line,
don't try to approaching as I want you here and now, but more a friendly hi and conversation between friends.
don't try to come off too strong.
I've been out alone before and have been approached. I have noticed however, after doing this a few times, that some of it (not all) depends on the vibe I'm putting out. I've been out alone when I was very upset and angry and was going to lash out at anyone who tried to speak to me. It was just to get out and blow off some steam. On that occasion, as opposed to the others when it was more about me just being bored with no one to go with, I did not get approached by almost anyone. I think they could look at me and sense "hey man, don't mess with that". Body language and vibe does play a factor. If a man had come up to me on that night despite my "leave me alone" signals, it would not have been pretty.
Totally used this when a gross creeper hillbilly asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was soooooo not interested so I said yes and he was gone.
ok where to begin...
if a woman says she has a boyfriend... she might ACTUALLY have a boyfriend. crazy right. i don't think a woman will ever say i have a boyfriend to test to see how the guy handles it and if he "handles" it right she'll be like ok i was just testing you... if someone does that... she's probably crazy...i don't believe there are men who can make any women fall for them even if they're married... if a woman is faithful then she won't fall for one of these guys... yes women (including myself) have lied about having a boyfriend but i've only done it when a guy doesn't seem to get the hint that i'm not interested.I don't agree with this statement: "Every woman who walks alone is fair game, and it is up to you to learn how to handle the circumstances properly."
That's as bad as saying any woman who doesn't wear a ring is fair game.
I don't do EVERYTHING with my fiance; that includes shopping for groceries, clothes, coffee runs, having lunch, or just in general WALKING somewhere. That being said, when I tell someone that I'm not interested that I'm not interested, it means that. It doesn't always mean that I have a boyfriend or that I'm playing hard to get. I think people need to start LISTENING to what others say in response and respect that. I get hit on when my fiance has gone out side to have a smoke, hail a cab or get a drink for me at the bar... it doesn't matter that I have an engagement ring on, it doesn't matter that I tell the guy that I have a fiance and he's WITH me right now, not just at the moment, some guys continue to pursue, end up being a nuisance because he's not acknowledging what I'm saying.
Granted, Daybreak was confusing the guy when she okay'ed his advance of talking about sexual content with a guy NOT her boyfriend, which in turn made him not take her "my boyfriend and I" very seriously or realistically. But I also think guys and girls should just say what they mean. If the girl is NOT attracted to the guy asking her out, they shouldn't use the gimmick of "I have a boyfriend" so he would leave her alone. They should just TELL them that they're not interested. Yes, it takes an immense amount of energy and GUTS to ask someone out that you found attractive, whether you're a guy OR a girl, but don't take it like it's a dagger to the heart and mourn about it. Just move along, "sorry to have bothered you" and get a drink, meet back with your "boys" or do something somewhere that doesn't make you feel like a lost puppy.
"a guy who is very skilled and successful with women has the ability to make a woman fall for him even if she has been married for a number of years"
Let's all hop on the bullshit train!
I find that complete BS. When I say I am not interested it means just that. If I say I have a BF or SO it means just that. I understand people play games and all that, but seriously if everyone could just say it and mean it I think a lot of misunderstandings would not happen. There are those exceptions that chose to misunderstand everything and read something into absolutely everything a person does in their favor. But if some guy walked up to me with that f-ing cocky I can get anything I want attitude I would laugh in his face and turn around. If some shy guy approached me I would let him down nicely and without any abrasiveness. But cocky attitudes generally bleed disrespect at all angles and it is extremely unattractive. There is a difference between cocky and confidence. And if I had just had a fight with my SO that is absolutely the WORST time ever to approach me... I might just rip your head off.
Um, a girl means one of two thing when she says she has a boyfriend. 1) She has a boyfriend. or 2) She doesn't want you to be her boyfriend.
A woman who is faithful cannot be led astray by any man. That's just silly. True, she may be weak and vulnerable if she is going through a tough time but still if she is faithful no man can win her over.
You know why guys fail at asking girls out so much? Because they do it too soon.
-- If you ask me out before you ask me my name... I'm telling you "no".
-- If you joke about sleeping with women or women's body parts and then ask me out... I'm telling you "no".
-- If you bounce around nearly clapping your hands with excitement and declare your love for redheads and you haven't asked me my name, I don't care if you just ran across across a field to ask me, I'm telling you "no".
-- If you follow me around the store, yell how beautiful I am and then go up to my friend and ask her to ask me out... I'm telling you "no" but only cuz I was stupid to say yes the first time.
-- If you get down on your hands and knees and beg me to get a divorce so that I can date you, because you won't just sleep with me, I need to be yours... I'm going to think you're an amazing guy, tell you "no" and ten years later kick myself in the ass.
-- If you come up to me and say "I bet a lot of guys tell you this but I think you're so pretty, cute, beautiful, blah blah etc. etc., you haven't asked me my name and then ask me out... I'm going to tell you "no" because I think you're either bullshitting me to get laid or I feel like you think I'm a prize to be won and displayed like a ribbon won at the fair for growing a fat pig.
-- If you ask if you can touch my butt and I say, "no" and then ask if I'll go out with you, I'm telling you "no".
Look most girls do not want to be picked up like a slab of fresh meat. If the attractive girl you want to date so bad is that attractive, trust me tons of guys have told her that and if she is intelligent she doesn't want a guy who values her beauty, she wants a guy who values the person she is.
"Every woman who walks alone is fair game"
Wow learn to have some damn respect for women with boyfriends(or anybody in a relationship, guys and girls included). If I have a man, and James Franco came up to me, guess what I would tell him. "I have a boyfriend."
Not to "test" him because I really don't give a fuck what he thinks of it. If I'm with a guy, it's for a good reason (because I actually WANT to be with him) and I sure as hell wont lie about having one just because some hottie is interested in me. If I cared about the other guys who want to be with me, I would be single.
I might consider giving him the time of day if he looks like dennis o'neil
I don't give the fake "I have a bf" excuse. when he tries to engage me in conversation, I'll just seem standoffish and show my disinterest with one word replies while not looking him in the eyes, because being nice sometimes doesn't work. if he makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel a creep vibe, I'm going to give this fierce seriously?!
look that will automatically show him that I'm disgusted with him, then I'll quickly walk away and they often get the hint.
-Katie
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - i totally agree!
I was stopped in an empty building (I was trying to turn a research paper in) by a guy that wanted to tell me that I was beautiful. He came off so strong, I thought I'd fall off the stairs! I had to stick my claddagh ring under his nose to get him to understand I had a man. Even then, he was so up in my space, I was like, "screw this!" I fled. For dear life.
But ever since I turned 21, I've had a lot of guys start paying attention to me that never would have. It's kinda scary just by that in and of itself. But I pretty much just mention my boyfriend now when I talk to a dude, just out of wariness and wanting to avoid the ones that might give me trouble. I just want to avoid the flirting, that's all I ask. *sigh* But I'm not crazy gorgeous like some women are, so it's not like it's an everyday thing. I'm more afraid of my fiance getting mad at me than anything. X/ *grew up around a lot of jealousy*
Ahem, but men should also respect women more! I mean, for christ's sake, bugger off! XD
My thoughts: I still think this is all bullshit.
I don't bring my boyfriend into it. Either I'm interested or I am not, why I am or am not really isn't the issue.
I strongly disagree with this. As someone earlier mentioned, a faithful girl will be a faithful girl no matter how hard the guy may be trying. I have never faked having a boyfriend, and when I do have a boyfriend, I mention it when I want to let the guy know that he needs to stop. That's all there is to it..
this is dumb, misleading, and just plain wrong. Also, you forgot to mention the type of guy that gets mad and becomes verbally abusive after you turn him down.
OR she really has a boyfriend. -_-
When I told a guy that, when i had a boyfriend, i meant exactly what i said. But nowadays if i say it, i just want the bastard to go away. =) So ditto to that part. plus i mainly get hit on at work, where i sell panties so i can never take a man seriously then... hitting on me over panties. =/
also agreed with the comment above. some guys get really mean when you tell him that.
Wow. I think if a girl says she has a boyfriend, or husband or whatever you should just back off. I have a boyfriend, and if some douche didn't back off when I said that, I'd be really mad. Like...how disrespectful is that? You think you're so effing great you can steal someone elses girlfriend? And if you succeed, someone is just gonna pull a robbery on you later because obviously that girl is a shitty girlfriend.
So yeah...if I was out for some crazy reason without my boyfriend, and a guy came on to me and wouldn't back off after I said I had a boyfriend, it would be an issue. I'm not afraid to call a bouncer to get him away, or have a scene. "Every woman who walks alone is fair game" Please. Way to sound like a sexual predator. When a girl says no to you, it fucking means no.
@Gorrific@xanga - /train CHOOO CHOOO Bullsssshhhhitbullsshhhhhitbullsshhhhhit CHOOO CHOO!
Or she has a BOYFRIEND for reals. Not every girl is doing that, think about that as well.
Every woman who walks alone is fair game, and it is up to you to learn how to handle the circumstances properly.
So you have no respect for any woman? Yikes, good luck finding a girl.
I honestly think you have some major issues concerning this area of "expertise" as you call it and some deeply flawed philosophies as well but that might be me. I think there is a bit too much arrogance here among other things that doesn't want me to take you seriously. If this is your opinion on dating/women, then it's okay I suppose but it makes me afraid.
Anyhow I wish you good luck.
Do us all a favor and stop trying. Save some women that "I'm about to crawl out of my skin" feeling.
You're stupid.
#1: If a guy "loses control", implodes, wants to beat himself up, or goes into a frenzy when a woman tells him that she has a boyfriend, that guy has some SERIOUS issues. This kind of reaction and behavior is an indication that he is the type to beat up or force himself on women if he doesn't get his way. It's more than a little un-nerving. It's sociopathic.
#2: A guy needing to "work himself up" to go talk to a woman is that guy's own problem. If it's un-natural to do, like all things in life, practice until it is so. Again, like all things in life, this falls to the issue of whether or not you are comfortable and confident in yourself, who you are, and what you can accomplish.
#3: When approaching someone to talk to them, Do it or don't do it. Don't waffle around. One of the key issues here is lack of self confidence and poor self image. You need to fix THAT first, before you even start.
#4: The behavior and thinking described for the rest of this post throws up a huge red flag that reads "SCUMBAG". This is the kind of thinking that rapists have. No means no. "No thank you, I have a boyfriend" means go away. If she wants you to leave her alone, respect that regardless of whether her story is made up or not.
#5: HONOR. Get some. If a woman indicates that she has a man, (again) moving on her makes you a scumbag.
#6: Having such "skill" to make someone (both man and woman) "fall" for aforementioned scumbag is not a matter of scumbag's skill but a matter of a weak target. Either that, or the "target" is a scumbag themselves, out looking to cheat already.
#7: The first step, whether you are planning to approach a woman or not, is to build your own healthy self confidence and self worth that does NOT depend on your pickup batting average. Develop a habit of making decisions and acting on them with no hesitation. Understand that when you move, any consequence must be acceptable. This does not only apply to dating, but to all things in life.
#8: One last thing -- if you live your life looking for others to fill your empty cup, you are a beggar. Nobody wants a beggar. If you live your life filling your cup so that you can share your cup with others, you will be a king among men. Fill your own cup first and make yourself worthy. Don't look for women to fill that void where your own strength of heart should be.
@sceadena@xanga - well said.. women want
mennot boys like op.. one of the sexiest things is respect which op doesnt have