Wednesday, 12 October 2011
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My Boyfriend Was Talking to Another Girl!
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We've had our up and downs but we've never cheated on each other. The other day we got in a heated argument and I said some things because I was upset. I told him how I couldn't wait to move out and be in school so I can be done with him. After that argument, we didn't talk about what was said and it was like everything was normal again. While this was taking place I was in the process of moving to a different location because I'm not supposed to be living with him.
I then stumbled across text messages from him to a girl he works with. He was telling her to call him and how he cant wait to see her and all this intimate stuff. The one message he sent her was long and he was asking her why she was choosing to chill with someone else besides him which I think he was referring to her ex boyfriend because he said, "You said you guys were fighting" in the text to her.
He also has other texts saying how he wanted to take her out to the perfect place for her b-day. He supposedly said he was taking off to help me move stuff for me while I worked and that didn't get done. In the text to her he said, "I'm taking off to spend your b-day with you." Now, I've seen these texts and I've had a history with a different relationships where they cheated on me and that took me awhile to get over. He knew that. Why would he do this?
He claims they stopped talking and that the reason he talked to her was because he thought that once I moved out I was going to leave him. So what, he was getting a head start? He says that he knows how easy it is for me to find someone else and I could just leave him and have a boyfriend like 2 days after. He said she wasn't worth it, and that he was really sorry as well as stopped talking to her.
He said that nothing happened because he realized for what he has and that we weren't going to break up. I have been cheated on once before and I can't help but hurt so bad. Should I believe him? How could I trust him again? I don't want to be like how it was with my ex. I can't stand the lies and it's wrecking my head. What should I do? Should I break it off? I love him so much, I dont know what I should do. He seemed genuine with his answers. He cried when I said it was done but he lies so well, I don't know what to believe.
Please Help!
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Comments (78)
I have always wondered how people can say mean stuff to someone they claim to love.
He didn't "cheat", but then again he showed he was capable of doing what he did. Good luck!
The thing is, you can't really believe him. If he is telling the truth he should be okay with you talking (politely as possible) to the girl. If she's a half way decent person she will give you answers.
He's crying because, even if he was talking to the other girl, you guys have a bond together. Losing you, regardless of how strong his feelings are, will still hurt. Still, he did do those things while you guys were still together. Just because nothing happened, doesn't mean it didn't hurt for you.
Your decision is based on whether you want to be hurt short-term or the long run. What's to stop him from doing the same thing again, treating your relationship as a stopover until it goes bad? If you stay together, will there be a chance that you guys can come out stronger for each other or the same old thing?
All I can say this is up to you to figure out. Any advice doled out here... is just that. And until you know what you want, you won't listen to any of it.
Do you really love him? Does he really love you? I would imagine that if it was real then really he wouldn't have talked that way to another female. That is not love... that is covering your bases. Kind of like having you cake and eating it too... Ironic statement when you think about it because what do you do with your cake, but eat it. Anyway. I find that most of the time in a relationship its hard work and most of the time people are not interested in the work, especially with that "i can leave you when ever I want" or "i am not going to go through this again" hanging over the relationship, using threats as a weapon to keep people from hurting you is not the way to go... the issues you have trouble with are your issues, not his, just like his are not yours and you need to work on those issues as does he need to work on his before you fix your relationship issues... if you want this relationship to work and you both really love each other. What happened when you were cheated on? did you ever work through that? Did it make you angry? Do you carry that with in to every relationship you have? And if you do why?
My ex-husband cheated a lot... and you know what, it wasn't my fault. He did it, not me. I did not make him do it. He chose to do it. It affected everything in my life at the time and I carried it with me all of the time... trying to figure out what I did, was it my fault, blah blah blah... I went to councelling and figured out it was NOT my fault. I cannot control what other people do only they can...
Good luck.
He just sounds like a really good liar to me. Saying he did it because "he thought you were going to dump him when you left" is not a good answer. If he REALLY loved you- he would be going out of his way to make the relationship work- not going around and finding a back-up.
Honestly, it's easier said than done- it's hard to just leave someone after all that time. But then you have to ask yourself- what happens when a bigger problem comes up in your relationship- is he gonna do the same thing? If you are 100% sure he wont- then stay. Personally, I'd leave him. Don't settle for a lying boy- there are REAL men out there who don't feed you bullshit like he did...
Personally, I've been cheating on before multiple times from the same person who I called my ex-husband. So, my answer will be based on my experience. If you don't think you can wholeheartedly trust him 100% without a doubt in your head, cut your loss and move on. If you want to get back together with him and believed that he was sincere when he told you his reasons for doing what he did, don't get back together with him right away but work on trusting him again. He has to show you that he was remorse for what he did and gain your trust again. But if you choose to forgive him and get back together right away, make sure you do trust him because you can't be with him every minute of the day checking if he's not doing anything inappropriate behind your back. I learned from my experience to not give out second chances, but that's just my personal opinion. You gotta decide what and how you're going to deal with it. All I'm going to say is, if he really loved and cared for you, he wouldn't be lying and talking to another girl behind your back. Good luck.
One word - douchebag!
If one argument and some text messages cause this much trouble maybe you've been with the wrong guy. I mean if you can't handle a small thing like this after that long I doubt you'll have what
it takes to have it last. Yes he talked to another girl, but you said you didn't want to be with him so I see wrong on both sides. Words can cut as deeply as a sharpened katana. After that long being with someone, you shouldn't be having arguments to the point that you threaten to leave.
Can he be trusted, perhaps not but can you? You were the one ready to give up because things got rough. Maybe you didn't mean it, but you did say it so that's as much a lie as anything. Don't be so quick to pass out judgement, especially when you obviously have things you need to work on as well. Am I the only one that sees this?
Sounds to me like you two need to sit down and figure out what your relationship means. Perhaps it's time for a break. 4.5 years is a long time to be one person so maybe it's a signal that its time to spread your wings.
That's so terrible. Honestly you should just break up with him, who knows what he's going to do once you move?
Perhaps you lost your feminine essence?
i'm not telling you what to do, but this is what i'd do. i would never be able to trust him again, and i'd have to break up with him.
Now your worth!! Break it off! Don't lower your standards for a slob. You deserve better.
Know your worth, I meant :)
Well I'd be careful now...
We had a very emotional week after that, because we live ttogether, he wouldn't let me pack my stuff and call anyone to pick me up. So that week was pretty devastated for me, every time he tried to talk to me, I just wouldn't stop crying and so was he!
But I gave him a second chance, right now it seems like we are better than ever! But still I don't trust him 100%! I always ask him who he is talking to and texting to, and he seems fine with it.
I guess you should give him a second chance. Sometimes guys are really stupid like that!
Aww I feel bad for him. Like shitty of him to do that to you and that isn't right in any way, but you told him you were happy to be moving so you could be done with him. My boyfriend and I get into heated arguments sometimes, but we never say mean things like that. Sometimes I tell him that he doesn't care enough, but that's it. If he ever told me he couldn't wait to be done with me, I'd be done with him so quickly. That isn't an appropriate thing to say to someone you love at all. As for his actions, those weren't right either. If you don't trust him you should't be with him. You can't expect a future with someone who you can't trust. You guys live together and you don't trust him so that's already a bad sign.
I wouldn't give him a second chance, but that is just me. I've been through a similar situation to yours before. My ex was talking to girls through e-mail, chats, and texts. He wasn't just mildly flirting either, he was saying very sexual things to more than just one girl, as well as sending and receiving sexual pictures. I do consider that cheating, even if it is not physical, it is emotional cheating. He denied everything until I shoved proof into his face, he also cried during those confrontations. For a bunch of reasons, I made the stupid decision to give him a second chance. He never stopped doing it from after the first 8 months of us dating when I found out, up until the end of our three year relationship when I finally broke up with him for it. My mind was in turmoil since the first time I knew about it. I constantly wondered who he was talking to, what he was doing, if I could ever trust him. Turned out, I couldn't. It was the shittiest feeling, but it was my mistake that had me repeating it until I finally left him.
This situation is really not worth what you go through. You're probably better off without him. Especially when you're moving away, the looping questions in your head will just never cease.
i wouldnt trust him anymore. =/ i would break it off.
"The other day we got in a heated argument and I said some things because
I was upset. I told him how I couldn't wait to move out and be in
school so I can be done with him. After that argument, we didn't talk
about what was said and it was like everything was normal again.
He claims they stopped talking and that the reason he talked to her was
because he thought that once I moved out I was going to leave him. [...] He says that he knows how easy it is
for me tofind someone else and I could just leave him and have a
boyfriend like 2 days after."
Here's my theory: You had a fight. You thought it was understood that you didn't mean what you said, and you essentially had an 'apology by default,' as people who are close tend to do. He, in the meantime, was quietly dying inside because he thought he'd lost you. So he went out and found someone to get close to as a consolation prize. When you confronted him about it, he realized you didn't actually want to leave him, and is now truly sorry. I would say after 4 1/2 years, he probably deserves ONE extra chance.
On the other hand, if this happens again, he's a veritable douchebag who doesn't have the guts to just straight up break it off with you, and you should drop it like it's hot.
...the weird indentations are ALL xanga. I'm so not fixing it.
considering you've been together for 4.5 years, I personally would tell him you need time to think, that you love him and you want to be with him, but the fact that he could WANT to take another girl out for her birthday is a big problem. But the amount of time you have behind you means 2 things: 1. it's probably not worth throwing away and 2. maybe he needed this to show him how much you mean to him, and same for you seeing how much he means to you. Take your time to show him that this scared you but that you love him. If he's the one then he'll prove it, and you'll be more comfortable knowing you didn't just drop it like it wasnt' a big deal, because it is a big deal. I think it'll work out in the end and you'll both be happier together once you get past this.
"I told him how I couldn't wait to move out and be in school so I can be done with him."
How
could you say this to him? If you love someone, you'll never be "done"
with them [unless it's sex for the moment]. He did what he did because
you said some things that felt like the relationship was going to
crumble and he felt it might've been over but there was no such closure.
Step back for a moment and check to see if he is the person you want to
spend the rest of your life with. If not, then break it off and don't
waste each other's time. If you can see a future, then work on
strengthening the relationship.
My ex always chooses the pussy way
out. She'll stay with a guy and when she's no longer in love with him,
she'll continue to stay with him until another guy comes along. Then
when she's positive the new guy likes her, she'll break up with her bf
to be with someone new. People don't like to get hurt and they end up
making a choice that hurts the other person more than it should have in
order to save themselves.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Why are people thinking he's the bad guy, and ignoring her faults? You fuckin told him you couldn't wait to be done with him, and you go and get all hurt by him making his moves? I bet that girl treats him a hella lot better than you do !
Jesus Christ, I'd say break up with him for HIS sake. He could obviously find someone better. I hate that shit, my ex used to pull that. I was only with him for like 2 months because he'd say such stupid shit just to hurt me. Which, it failed, because it just pissed me off and made me realize how much of a dbag he is.
That's not love. If you can't think about how much your relationship means to you, even in times of anger, then it's probably time to move on, and maybe obtain some maturity before your next relationship.
I was in a similar position when I was with my ex. My ex didn't seem to love or care for me, and I became friends with a guy who quickly fell for me. I really did genuinely care for him, as a friend, but it was also REALLY nice to hear things like that I was beautiful and all the things that my ex never said. I probably would have done something special for his bday, had we been friends at that point. But go figure I broke things off with that friend, and then a month later my ex ended up leaving me. That was a year ago, and I'm still not over my ex. I was absolutely in love with him, and I thought that I'd spend my life with him. But even though I was in love with him, my friend really did make me feel special in a certain way, and reassured me that I was worth so much more than I knew.
Your boyfriend is like a puppy who was hurt by its owner, and is now trying to get anyone to mend his wound.
Honestly, telling someone you say you love that you are completely done with them definitely encouraged him talking to someone else. That was wrong on your part, and him talking to someone else is wrong on his part. I wouldn't say end it, but you have some stuff you need to figure out... If you don't seeing this going long term you should end it.
I've had this happen to me. And I have trust issues, with me once my trust is broken it's broken. If you're like that and so decide to stay with him be prepared to get panicked every single time you see him texting. Unfortunately for me it happened through texts and facebook so now I freak out every time his fingers are moving.
It's a super complicated situation.
I say everyone deserves a second chance. If he pulls that crap again just leave him with whomever he's "exploring his options" with. Tell them to have a good life you deserve better.