Tuesday, 11 October 2011
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Money Matters in Dating
A male friend of mine and I were talking about dating over the weekend. Not the two of us dating, just dating as a concept in general, unless there was some definite subtext I was missing out on, which let’s face it, I probably was. He made the statement, “One way or another, the guy ends up paying for a woman.” I inquired if he felt all women were prostitutes. He quickly kiboshed that theory, and instead said, “I just mean that you always have to pay to get a woman, whether it’s for dates, or for trips, or dinner, or the movies. There’s always something to pay for, and it’s always the guy to do it. Even if they are already a couple.”I disagreed. Whether I’m out on a first date or out with a long-term boyfriend, I always offer to share the bill. Most of my girlfriends make the offer as well. I don’t expect a guy to pay for everything; not in this day and age, and not when most of my peers or totally bankrupt and pulling their hair out from student loans anyway. There are, of course, specific times, like a birthday, or if a boyfriend plans out a date specifically and says they want to take me out, where I think it’s fine to let the guy pay. But I feel that it balances out in the end, because I too offer to take my significant other out on dates occasionally which I solely pay for, and certainly for birthdays as well.
What do you think? In your experience, does the guy always end up paying in some way?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (89)
i think your use of the word "occasionally" makes it pretty clear that your friend is right. don't you think?
Become a pornstar
I go dutch or I pay one time and he pays another. It's never him always paying. It's not the 1800s, jeebus.
If guys who always pay are "wuss bags" I wonder what makes a guy who always makes the woman pay.
relationships are a give and take process. not just dating but friendships or family relationships. you help them out and they help you out, not necessarily just money but other kind gestures. he pays for dinner, and I thank him and maybe cook something for him on another day or at least learn how cook something just for him as a surprise or I might see something that I think he'll like and buy it for him. he might give me a massage and give me flowers or it doesn't have to be anything materialistic, but words of affirmation and appreciation or vice versa. I'm not a foodie, so dining out often is not what I like.
I prefer paying for everything even if it costs an arm or a leg or maybe even a kidney... but I'll let her pay for the small things.
My boyfriend WON'T let me pay for anything. There are a few times where he has allowed me pay for a dinner date, but most of the time he hates for me to pay. So, I make little surprises for him instead to make up for it. : ]]
My most recent relationship was the only one where I paid for almost everything. The other ones, we always shared or split (they insisted).
If I let him pay every time, I'd end up feeling extremely guilty.
In my (albeit limited) experience, it's usually whoever's actually got money in their account. And I don't know how it normally goes, but I'm in the military, and whether you're dating someone or just friends, everyone borrows money and items from everyone else so often that everything becomes blurred.
"Here's that $20 I owe you from last weekend", "I think I borrowed it from C... She borrowed it from H who stole it from your wallet when you were blacked out and he needed a taxi back to base. I think that makes it yours?" "Oh..."
Only no one actually remembers the trail. Ever. And that's how it goes no matter who you're with. The guy I'm seeing right now? I think we've spent a pretty equal amount of money on each other. No one's counting or caring, and I like it better that way.
i always offer whether he takes it or not but i think it's def important bc it's not like he's the only in the relationship...it's me too.
No way. It really irritates me and makes me uncomfortable. When I was dating my friend, we would compremise who would pay (because he would always want to). If I had I job, then I was more inclinded, and vice versa. If he said "I want to take you on a date", that was a special and rare "card" that meant I couldn't pay...but only reinburse him some other way ;3...and vice versa again.
We shared responsibility for our dates. There have been times where we have shared, or one of us has paid for everything we did and ate. It just depends on who has money and all that jazz.
Though now that I'm estranged from my family, jobless, and only got $32 dollars to my name--we don't really have a choice. He pays for everything. Everything. I feel horrible, but we're all we got, and I just hope I can get to a point where I can help.I've only been with guys who insist on paying for everything. I had this one bf, though, who only took me on a date once. But we didn't date for very long, and I always offered to pay for some things and he only took my money once lol. He wouldn't even let me pay him back for picking up something for me at the store that I needed.
I get pretty stubborn when it comes to paying. Even though my boyfriend makes a LOT more money than I do, he figured out pretty quickly that it's easier to just split the bill or take turns paying than it is to argue over me grabbing the check before he can have a look. It's nice to be treated once in a while, but I always try to make sure I give as much as I take. :)
They do always pay. One way or another.
It's why men may make more money in this country, but women spend more money and overall have more net worth in this country.
If they're not paying for dates, they're paying for child support.
The fact that they INSIST on paying for your dates ladies, should give you quite a big hint as to the stranglehold society places on the male role. In this society, not being able to pay means you're not a man. Whether we're talking about chivalrists or feminists. Men are getting it from both ends, that they're not good enough if they don't provide.
Penny Nance – the CEO of “Concerned Women for America” said in an interview on Fox News “Concerned women for America is the nation’s largest public policy organization and we love men. We support men and we’re rooting for them – we think they’re an essential part of the American family. However we want them to feel the pressure to achieve, to put down the remote, to go find a job, to get their education, to build their faith and character” … “so walk away from the remote and get busy guys.”
The clear message here: Provide for women.
My boyfriend and I are pretty equal on everything. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay, and sometimes we split. We're both young and don't have a lot of money so it makes sense for us just to trade off or split. Even when we first started dating we paid for ourselves. Actually, that's unfair. He flew out from TX to CA to see me and paid for both that and the hotel. Guess that was probably a larger bill than any of our dates haha.
I have never dated a guy who didn't pay and I never will. I like being old fashioned. He pays for meals and I'll do other things to make up for it.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - No, guys who always pay are the guys who get the dates. Girls want to know a guy isn't stingy with his money.
It's about equal for me and my guy, although he does go extravagant when he takes me on more formal dates, and I can't match that :-/ (We're talking Brazilian steakhouse, followed by symphony orchestra, with alcohol, cabs and all kinds of parking fees in between.)
On a day-to-day basis, though, I always offer to pay or at least split the bill. He resists, but lets me sometimes. Relationships are all about compromising, and this is a great place to start learning how.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Well of course a guy should pay for himself, but for his date as well? Most women believe that when a guy pays for the entire date, especially during the first date, that he expects some sort of great gratitude in return. Sure, women will SAY they would like for men to pay for them on dates, but most appreciate guys more when they split the tab.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - I don't appreciate a guy at all if he asks me out on a date and then expects me to split the tab. I would find him to be stingy and uptight. I wouldn't go on a second date with him. In my generation, we don't expect to put out on the first date. So, no there is not an expectation of some "great gratitude"... general gratitude, of course.
But then again, I like gender roles so long as they aren't legally mandated.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - You must be from a different generation because these days guys never pay for dates...at least guys who are successful with women.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Uh, the guys I know pay for the dates. That's a part of why they are successful. Men who don't pay come off as insecure pansies to me. I don't want to date a guy who makes me feel like his mommy is still washing his underpants. My sister is a lot younger than me, and the guys she dates always pay too.
My generation started the "who pays" debate... but the guys still paid.