Saturday, 08 October 2011

• Ways To Convince Your Girlfriend That You're Faithful

  

  As of now, I am in college for cosmetology and I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by women day in and day out from 10 a.m. - 5 p.m., so I hear their relationship issues all the time. Their problems vary from something minor such as, not putting the toilet seat down, to an issue that is very major as her boyfriend is abusive. All couples have their downfalls, because no relationship is perfect. However, the common complaint they all share is their fear of cheating and/or other females. I mean, I can see their point. Nobody wants to be left for another woman! And a man wouldn't want to be ditched for another male. It goes both ways.

  Although all of these women have this fear, they gain this anxiety of being cheated on through ridiculous ideas influenced by either the media, other women, friends, etc. and in return it sends them into a fury of false accusations towards their SO. Rather crazy, right? I mean, you shouldn't go looking for a problem when there clearly isn't one. 

  So, gentlemen out there, this is for you. If you're in a relationship where your lovely girlfriend constantly throws cheating allegations your way, then here are few helpful solutions and things to avoid to keep your lady content and out of your hair. 

  Side note: None of these solutions should actually be taken as serious advice. However, all of the mentioned complaints are real issues women around me have said to give them the thought that their boyfriend or husband is being unfaithful. Rather sad.

  1. Don't wear cologne when you go out. Anywhere.
  Cologne = good smells, which = cheating. If you smell nice, your girlfriend will think you're wanting to smell good for someone else. Not just for yourself. Which will mean, you're cheating.
  
  Solution: Don't bathe. Do not take a shower or put on cologne until she begs you to take a bath.
  
  2. Avoid watching porn/masturbating/looking at your own dick.
  If anyone other than your girlfriend touches/views/gets to sexually satisfy your penis (including yourself), that's cheating. If you look at porn, that instantly means that you are thinking of the woman (that you don't even know and will never meet) in the porno and want your girlfriend to look just like her. Also, masturbating is cheating and so is looking at your own penis. It means that you're not sexually content with your girlfriend.
  
  Solution: Throw acid in your eyes, so you become blind. You won't be able to look at porn or your penis.
  
  3. Never, ever, EVER have female friends. 
  Guys and girls can NEVER be just friends. Ever. Even if the girl is a lesbian, you are not allowed to be friends with her, because she might decide suddenly that she wants to switch teams.
  
  Solution: Light every girl you see on fire in front of your girlfriend. It will prove that you're not interested in other women and that you're a dominant male.
  
  4. Never take longer than 5 seconds to reply to a text message. 
  5 seconds is the very minimum, 20 seconds at the maximum, and if you don't reply within the next 5 minutes then your girlfriend will think you're cheating because you're obviously not dropping everything just to reply to her text message that reads, "omg. lke i saw a sqrrl. it had a acrn." Even if you're getting an open heart surgery on your liver and you receive a text from your girlfriend, you MUST respond to it or else you might be cheating.
  
  Solution: Get rid of your phone.
  
  5. Don't mention another girl's name. 
  If you talk about another female (including your mother), it means you're thinking about another girl and not your girlfriend, which is cheating. So don't do it.
  
  Solution: Don't talk.
  
  6. Don't hang out with friends.
  If you hang out with your friends or even say you are going to chill with the guys, she might think you're cheating. It is easy to say you're going out with some friends, so try to make your girlfriend feel included by bringing her along, even if your friends hate her.
  
  There are 2 solutions for this.
  
  Solution #1: Don't have friends.
  Solution #2: Lock your girlfriend in a closet when you bring her along. She will feel included and your friends will be happy because they won't have to hear her voice and see her face.
  
  7. Never be overly nice. 
  Being nice to your girlfriend or doing anything romantic out of the blue is a sign that you're up to something and you're trying to cover up your infidelity.
  
  Solution: Be a douche-bag. All the time. She will thank you for it in the long run and she will never have to question your kind favors, because you'll be such an asshole she won't expect any form of kindness.
  
  Alright. I believe that is a large majority of the things you shouldn't do and if you follow all of these helpful hints you will become the best anti-social, blind, phone deprived, muted, smelly, murdering, douche-bag boyfriend ever! And that's what every girl wants, right?

  So... are one of those paranoid girlfriends? Maybe you've accused your boyfriend of cheating before? Or are you in the category that think some women need to chill out? 

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