Saturday, 08 October 2011

• 30 Things To Do While "Visiting the Netherlands"

  

  Heads up, this post has nothing to do with going to Europe. At long last, we shall have a list of tips and tricks to use when going down on a lady! Am I the only one who’s excited about this!? 

  First though, there are some things we need to cover before we get into the good stuff. Ladies, in order to make the experience as enjoyable as possible for everyone involved, there are three things you need to do first.

  1) Shave. It doesn’t have to be perfectly bald, but when a guy is trying to pleasure you, he shouldn’t have to feel like he’s locked in battle with Sonic the Hedgehog.

  2) Maintain proper hygiene down yonder.

  3) Be absolutely certain that it’s not “that time of the month.” At no point did we sign up for a mouthful of menstruation.

  Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we must recognize that there are some women in the world who wish to remain virgins until their wedding night. Men should respect that boundary at all times. However, even if these women are not quite ready for penetration, they might not be opposed to a little bit of tongue action.

  When making this list, I tried to take into consideration the women that are quite susceptible to the Friendly Neighborhood TongueMan, but aren’t quite ready to meet Cap’n Stabbin’. Anything with an asterisk should be avoided if the lady has never experienced penetration.

   

  NOTE: In the beginning, movements should be slow, speeding up over time. Kind of like a train gradually picking up momentum. Well, off we go! 

  1) On the way down, feel free to trace a line down her tummy with the tip of your tongue.

  2) When getting into position, be sensual about it. Run your fingers down along her thighs and buttocks. Clumsiness at this instance is a major mood-killer.

  3) She might hate you for this at first, but right when your mouth is inches from her vagina, stop where you are for a few seconds and let the suspense build up.

  4) Drop your head even lower and start to kiss her legs on the inside of the thigh. Work your way upward slowly.

  5) When your tongue has finally made contact, be sure to pay special attention to the clitoris. (Duh?)

  6) Her body might not be ready to go just because you are. If she’s still warming up her engines, move up her body and focus on her breasts for a little while. Use your fingers to gently stimulate her clit.

  7) If you are following #6, please remember that the breasts are sensitive too. No biting.

  8) If the waterworks still aren’t fully flowing, (or if you just want to have some fun) take a can of whipped cream and put some directly on your tongue. Close your mouth for a few seconds. (This is to warm up the whipped cream, otherwise she’ll feel like she’s getting licked by Frosty the Snowman) Start licking her gently with whipped cream on your tongue. This does two things: It acts as a temporary lubricant between her and your tongue, and it takes the edge off the taste.

  9) If the whipped cream accidently gets all over her, kindly offer to help clean it up…

  10) Do not just move your tongue straight up and down. You will put the poor girl to sleep!

  11) Lick around the edges of her "lips." Just outside the labia minus is a soft, tender area that is extremely sensitive.

  12) Once again, do not forget to pay attention to the clitoris.

  13) If you’ve got long enough arms, reach up and massage one or both of her breasts. Do NOT stop moving your tongue when you do this. You can also wrap your arm around one of her legs and massage the area just above the clitoris in a circular motion.

  14) If you’ve got a wide enough tongue, place it flat against her vaginal opening and lick upward repeatedly. Try to fit the sides of your tongue underneath the "lips." I know it sounds weird, but this will create a pressure differential inside her vagina, producing an..."interesting" sensation.

  15) Lift your head up and reposition yourself. While doing this, place your hands under her butt and pull her body toward you. When you start up again, move faster this time.

  16) Trace circles around her clitoris with your tongue.

  17) Gently suck on the clit, but be sure that your teeth do not come into contact with it.

  18) Do a combination of #16 and #17.

  19) Press the tip of your tongue into her vaginal opening.*

  20) Simple in-and-out movements will suffice at first, but later on try to do a “digging” motion with your tongue, curling it up on the way out. Unless you’ve got the tongue of a giraffe, you probably won’t reach the G-spot. No worries though, you'll get to that later...*

  21) This takes some practice, but try rotating your tongue in circles as you go in-and-out, touching all sides of the vaginal wall. Kind of like a spiral motion?

  22) Gently suck on the labia minus, pulling it into your mouth and slowly lifting your head away. Again, be careful of tooth contact.

  23) Did I mention the clitoris yet?

  24) While using your tongue on any of the previously mentioned areas, slide one or two fingers into her. Obviously, your fingernails need to be trimmed down.*

  25) While performing #24, it might be more comfortable for you to have your palm facing her butt, but you’ve got a better chance of contacting the G-spot if your palm is facing the other way.

  26) While sliding your finger(s) out, use the "come hither" hand gesture, curling your fingers up. Remember: the goal is not to push her G-spot into her stomach, but to slide against it as you finger her.

  27) Once she’s starting to get worked up, move faster and press your tongue against her body harder.

  28) Keep going. Seriously, unless she says otherwise, just keep right on lickin’. Even if you've had your fill and you're ready for actual sex, just keep going. She’ll love you for it.

  29) If you do manage to bring her to an orgasm just with your tongue, pat yourself on the back. But be aware that certain parts of her body will become too sensitive to touch for a little bit. When she’s ready, continue the tongue action.

  30) If she suddenly demands immediate sex, DO NOT DENY HER.

   

  *Do not use if the lady is a virgin, you could rupture her hymen.

   

  I’m sure there are plenty of other things a man could do, but sadly I don’t really have a lot of experience with this subject.

  Does anyone have more to add? ...Are there corrections to be made?

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