Saturday, 08 October 2011
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The Spark: Fact or Fiction?
What is it that separates friends from lovers?
My best friend argues that an unseen "spark" causes us to see acquaintances as something more. People describe it as a gut feeling that makes you want to move from friendship into a romantic relationship. Affection. Attraction. Infatuation.
Here is my problem with that theory: where does that attraction come from? If attraction is the effect, what is the cause? Where does the spark come from?
I attempted to answer these questions by making a list of reasons why I'm currently attracted to someone: intellectual attraction ("She is absolutely brilliant."); physical attraction ("She's really cute!"); social attraction ("We have a lot in common."); and spiritual attraction. My best friend thought that this list was too clinical and too formulaic.
"You make it sound like being attracted to someone happens when you check a certain number of things off of a list!" she remarked. "Where's the spark?!"
That's when I realized that the elusive, mysterious "spark" doesn't exist. If attraction is the effect, the cause is simply finding what you like, aka, similarity, common ground, preferences. There is no spark. "Spark" is an invented label that describes your attraction to someone who is attractive to you. You like her because she's pretty. You get that rush of adrenaline when you see him because you enjoy his company. You two get along so well because you have many things in common.
Mind you, I'm not arguing against romantic chemistry or against the role of passion in a relationship. I'm simply arguing that attraction occurs for a reason, regardless of how we choose to label it.
What do you think? Is there such thing as the "spark?"
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- From: Katseye4pirates@xanga
- About Me: I'm a Ph.D. student who loves to blog, sing in the car, help, and sleep.
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Comments (30)
But there are plenty of times that I have had an opposite sex friend who I consider cute, who I get along with great (we're friends, after all!), and who I have in common with. Yet, I don't want to date this person. Call it a spark.. call it chemistry.. if it's not there, it doesn't seem to work.
Yes, it is real. It's a result of both psychological and biological events occurring inside your body.
I think it exists, but I used to feel the same as you until I met my current boyfriend. I was in a relationship with someone else at the time, but I felt something between myself and my now boyfriend that was more than just us having a lot in common. For another example, I have another really good male friend that's a great catch in almost every way - fairly good looking, handy with tools, knows how to cook and do housework, great job, and I also have a lot in common with him. However, I am not the least bit romantically interested in him and would never consider dating him. So I do think there is something to the "spark theory." :)
I love when you get featured...it brightens my day. You know my opinion on spark already...but yeah, it's there and it certainly can die.
There's something definitely there that makes me more attracted to one girl than the rest. So I think the spark is when you don't know why you're attracted to someone, but you just are.
Hate.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - I agree
the spark exists. out of no where. and usually its a signal that the 4 you mentioned line up pretty well. thats what ive experienced at least.
I have yet to find this spark. =( had it with my ex. But it's been 8 months now and I can't find a spark with anyone else. Met tons of cute girls, but no "sparks."
Does this spark come later in a friendship? Like I don't see how I could meet a person for the first time and magically fall in love with them. -shrugs-
I believe it exist. I've known my husband for 13+ years, dated once before in our teenage years, reunited, continued our friendship, and walla-bam! One day I just saw the spark and it set him out from all others.
But I definitely agree that we must have common interests, too, or the sparks will soon die out.. very quickly.
The spark exists. I've only found it once in my life. I fell head over heels. :)
There are, but to me, sparks usually come at the beginning of the relationship and fade away with time, it can be relit every once in a while, but what's left from it usually are genuine feelings for someone or none at all. My exes always lost feelings for me, they were asses. I only lost feelings for my first ex when I met my recent ex over a year later after the break-up, but I've never lost feelings for my recent ex. Sparks to me aren't too important and now they scare me 'cause I'm afraid the next guy I date will lose feelings for me just like my exes did. Some people go into relationships just for the spark element, I wouldn't do that 'cause it most likely wouldn't last.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - I echo this, it is just physiobiological/chemical reactions that are going on. Whether we give it a name or not doesn't matter, it exists.
Now, what is a better question is what precise neuronal inputs cause these reactions.
@oMeGaXmK2@xanga - @Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga -
Science is a way to explain things, not a way to limit them. It's worth mentioning that science particularly bad at explaining love.
@agents_of - That's true, as science is also particularly bad at explaining how the universe was created.
I don't know if there has to be a reason. I think it just happens sometimes. You can be attracted to one person but not to another who has similar qualities and never know why. I don't think there always has to be a reason for things. Some things just are. To me, attraction is one of them.
I can usually tell within a few minutes of meeting someone if I'll ever be romantically attracted to them. I might not instantly have a crush on them, but thinking back on all my crushes, I think with all of them, I knew within about 5 minutes of seeing/meeting them that I would eventually become attracted to them. And I can't for the life of me say why. It was something on an unconscious level that eventually made it to my consciousness, I suppose.
"the rush of adrenaline..." aka the spark ;)
There is nothing fiction about electromagnetism. I only read the title so I assume that's what you meant.
If there were no spark, then you'd be happy with almost anyone.
Yep. I still have that with my ex and for the life of me cant explain why. I love his outgoing personality but as far as life paths go, we are completely different people.
Umm.. not really. I don't get a "firework" or anything.. I just get that feeling where you feel as if your heart is being dropped into boiling water.
Yup no such thing as a spark. First the physical, then the conversation and then the bedroom. If you don't like any of those, then you are not attracted to them, not that there was no spark. If I see a gorgeous curvy woman, which I love, and I start talking to her and she is dumber than a brick, I'll end it there relationship-wise. It does not mean that we did not have a spark, it means that I am not attracted to dumb women. Bedroom is something you can work on, but their personality, idiosyncrasies, vernacular, looks, etc. are all things that most are not willing to work with if it does not match what they find attractive.
I'm thinking chemistry. the molecules of 2 different people seem to be in harmonize. there are people who i have things in common with and i feel like i can never have a convo with them. and there are people who has no interest to what i like and they're like my bestfriend s