About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I'll call him Mike. We both saw the break-up coming for a while; there wasn't fighting, just a realization that we weren't meant for each other. Prior to dating, we were really close friends for four years. We're trying our hardest to go back to the same great friendship that we had. I've never known anyone to do it successfully, but it's what we both want.
That's not the problem.
The problem is that I'm now attracted to my ex's best friend.
We'll call MY ex's best friend Elliott. I had a crush on him six years ago when all three of us met. Elliott was who I was first attracted to, without a doubt. I never said anything because I did not want to make a new friendship awkward. My attraction to Elliott faded when he began dating and then later had a messy break-up with a friend of mine. (This is what happens when you go to a small college.)
I'm going to be visiting Elliott in a week. I've been texting with him a lot, and have a crush on him again.
My gut is telling me to tell Elliott I have feelings for him. I have a hunch that he's felt the same way at some point in time, but I'm not certain.
My heart is telling me that I could ruin Mike and Elliott's friendship. I would never forgive myself if I came between them. I know Mike would be hurt, and I really don't want to hurt him.
My head is telling me I should wait before telling Elliott. I only see him 2-3 times a year though, and it's the kind of thing I'd prefer to talk about in person.
What would you do? Am I being greedy? Is it worth risking friendships to potentially enter into a rewarding relationship, or should I just be content knowing that I'm friends with two really great guys?
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Comments (30)
I feel like everyone has the freedom to choose how they feel, to do what they want. Honestly, you only live once. And if you and your ex knew you weren't meant for each other, it shouldn't be too big of a deal.
I think there are a lot of people in the world you could end up being attracted to as much as this "Elliot" and if you could not forgive yourself if you came between their friendship then leave it alone. Because this would do exactly that, even though the breakup is a mutual thing; you were with your ex for 2 years and he would probably feel betrayed by two people he assumed he was very close to.
If you don't care then I say go for it, try and see if you and this guy could make it work together, and risk the fact that you two would most likely not end up together for a long time and you still managed to breakup a friendship. But who's to say.
Sorry...I'm bitching.
But if you REALLY want to act on these emotions, go ahead. Just keep in mind that your feelings aren't the only ones at stake. Even though you both had a mutual break-up, it doesn't mean your ex doesn't still have a soft spot for you. His feelings matter just as much as yours do, including "Elliot's".
Besides, you said you wanted to go back to the friendship you and "Mike" had. If you pursue anything with "Elliot", not only could you possibly hurt their friendship, but any friendship you and "Mike" would want to re-create. I hope you make wise choices and good luck! : ]]
I think it's better to find out now whether anything can come of this crush than always be wondering later on because you didn't have to guts to do it in time. If Mike isn't mature enough to recognize that you and Elliot have the freedom to date whoever you want, then it's his problem. Since you two aren't together anymore, he has no reason to lay claim over you anymore. So I say go for it.
If Elliot was a good friend to this guy, he would stay away from you. You both are kinda shitty right now.
I think you're thinking you have feelings for Elliot because he's familiar to you. Also, he's an extension of Mike. Think how weird it's going to be for the two of them... nevermind your friendship with Mike suffering even more--it will be more awkward than now--do you really need to date your ex's best friend?
You said it yourself, when Elliot had a messy breakup with a friend of yours, did that make you want to jump at him and say "mine! I call dibs?" No, you couldn,t because it's a friend of yours (that dated and broke up with Elliot) so try to put the situation to use for Mike and Elliot. they're BEST friends. Even if you decide to go for Elliot, there is also a CHANCE that Elliot might not reciprocate because of his friendship with Mike. Then there's that awkard transition from you having a crush on your ex's best friend TO the crush KNOWING you have feelings for him and being weirded out by that.
If dating guys in a small pool of choices (small college) it doesn't mean Elliot is the ONLY one you'll be having a crush on. I say, you wait it out. See if this "crush" isn't just a "Rebound" interest. And try to date someone OUTSIDE the friendpool for your sake, it'll get messier than you think.
Schrödinger's cat.
I never understood this. I get why some people would feel bad if they're still not over their ex and then their ex just goes off and dates their friend. But in this case, the fact of the matter is, you broke up with each other. It even sounds like you ended things on good terms. Who you date is really none of his or anyone else's business. Date who you want. I don't believe people have the right to say, "No, you can't date that person". This isn't me saying that I date whomever I want either. I would never break up a relationship to get with someone. I've actually never even been attracted to a taken guy before, but even if I was, I would never do that. But there is no way in hell an ex boyfriend is going to decide who I date and when I date them.
When I broke up with my ex who cheated on me, I dated one of his and my friends. He was furious, and yet he had absolutely no right to be. I wasn't the one who cheated. Can't say I was sorry. When my previous ex and I split, I started dating a semi-friend of his, I'm still with him. They weren't very close friends, but my ex is still kind of peeved at me. We broke up for a lot of reasons, I gave him plenty of chances to stop being such a tool bag. I can't really say I feel bad after the shit I had to deal with because of him. So why either of my exes would even feel they had the right to have a say in my love life and happiness? I honestly think they have issues.
It sounds like your break up went more smoothly than mine though. Seems like it was mutual, so I can see why you'd feel the need to walk on egg shells for this. But if he really is over you and you really broke up because you both feel like you just aren't meant to be, I still don't get why he should care. I certainly don't care who my exes date and I think it would be wrong of me to. That says jealousy to me, possibly with left over feelings. It's just something I've never understood and have always thought was stupid. You break up, you move on, so why are you still dwelling on your ex dating someone you know?
I'd personally say no, don't do it. There's a sense of betrayal, and things are going to get super ugly and messy. You really can't save the friendship with your ex if you're going to date his best friend. You're putting yourself into a situation where he has to decide to choose you over his best friend. It's not fair to him. You'll probably break that friendship, or at least damage the friendship enough that they won't be best friends anymore. How is he going to consult his best friend for problems? Advice? How's he going to share his happy moments with you to his best friend? He's not going to want to hear it. It'd be painful and torturous. "You break up, you move on..." It's much easier said than done. While they are not yours, they still belong in your heart. If they aren't, then it means your relationship was never good to begin with. At one point or another, that person was everything you ever wanted.
What I'm trying to say is, find someone new and fresh to start a relationship with. And you seem too impulsive to want to jump back into a relationship. Give yourself more time. I laugh at other people for this because I can't stand to be in another relationship again. I'm biased towards being single right now, maybe because I got a lot on my plate and life is more fun and interesting that way.
You just broke up with him last month. I would wait before you tell Elliot or let Mike know. Even though the break up was mutual (?), it doesn't mean he won't be hurt if you hooked up with Elliot or come to find out that his best friend and his ex of two years are talking to each other. He may even feel like both of you betrayed him or he may not. Who really knows, but out of respect for him, both of you should wait until the time is right to date or let him know. If you two are really interested in each other, be courteous and let him know that you two are interested in each other and want to take it to the next level. Don't go behind his back and date each other and risk him finding out. You're not specifically asking him for permission or his approval, but it's a nice gesture to let him know that you are interested in each other, so he won't take it the wrong way.
I have never dated any of my friends' exes or vice versa, but if I had just gotten out of a two years relationship with someone, I would hope that my friends would be considerate and respectful enough to wait until I'm over him or be a little more comfortable with the idea of them being together with an ex of mines. I mean, it's just awkward seeing a friend of mines dating a guy who I was with for two years the next month after we broke up. Some shitty friends they are if that was to ever happen.
Since you and your ex already broke up peacefully this isn't a prob. It's not like you were cheating on him with his bf while you were still in a relationship.
I've been on Mike's end of this scenario before (though I'm female), and what hurt the most was that my ex and my best friend went behind my back. And that it happened barely 2 weeks after the breakup. I mean, it would have been awkward for a while anyway, but the fact that they went behind my back so quickly took it to a whole new level.
I knew that they were attracted to each other well before we broke up, and I also knew that my ex and I didn't break up because of my best friend. I would have dealt with it if they had gotten together a few months after my ex and I broke up.
As it is, I lost my best friend over it. I kept my ex as a very good friend, but only because he came clean after a little while, and made it clear that he still cared about our friendship. My best friend was too embarrassed to do the same.
My advice is to be upfront about it to your ex and be patient. I'm not guaranteeing that he'll say it's ok, but at least you know where you stand. And he may surprise you. Or he may say no. Or he may ask that you wait a little longer before doing anything, out of respect for what you and he had.
Everyone deserves to be happy. I know it's a tough situation, but if you really like your ex's best friend, then you should be able to express your own feelings. You shouldn't worry. You deserve to be happy. Your ex should understand. I'm not saying he won't be upset, because he probably would be, but he needs to understand. If you guys ended on mutual grounds, and don't see anything in each other anymore, then you should go for it.
It's always the best friend... fuck him good!
Is everyone on here 16 years old?
Everyone I've ever met have always told me to not to date guys I consider a friend. However, I've had friends who asked me if one of my male friends is my boyfriend. I guess our relationship is so close, it could look that way to people. However, in truth, I've always thought of him as a cousin of sorts and maybe even a brother. And dating my cousin/brother is just going to be a no for me. We've been together for a long time, and when I know a guy friend for a long time, I keep him as a friend. That's just my thing.
Maybe others think differently, but that's how I think. If you were interested in someone, but end up as good friends, I see it as a sort of point of no return. In the end, I think there needs to be a clear difference between a good friend and a relationship partner.
@kor_girl@xanga - Well said.
I agree with the people who said not to do it if you value your relationship with your ex.
Mancode: you gotta ask before you hook up with one of their exes. It is the oldest, and most widely known mancode known to mancode. If he violates it, he is not manworthy.
A lot of people on here have good advice regarding this and I do partially. I've seen the consequences of this situation many times over. I've seen when the guy jumps from sister to sister and I've seen friends cheat on their SO, then date that person. While the SO dates the best friend. It led to a break up of friendship and it became ugly quite fast.
I'd say wait. I'd really advise that.
Hell to the no. If you have this kind of doubt, you shouldn't even enter a relationship. Selfish is all I can say.
Wait (: (:
I have the feeling this could be your emotions running wild - you guys just broke up...
and if you only see him 2-3 times a year, and you're not sure if he feels the same.. its not worth it.
this is just my opinion, but I think you should wait a little while, don't rush into anything.
if you only see him 2-3 times a year why would you even want a relationship?
Don't even hook up with him. Way too many reasons to list.
Talk to Elliot. Mark has no reason to be upset if you date Elliot - you're not his property.