:/ I feel the same way.

Instant gratification. It's something that we always have to challenge. I lived for instant gratification and feeling powerful and sexy in the moment, but it's never fun afterwards. I hate that feeling of lying there next to someone and thinking "why?" If you want to change badly enough, you will. It's a willpower thing, you have the ability to control your thinking, if you try hard enough. We're amazing beings, we have the power to better ourselves, we just often don't.

@Anonymous - while I agree with you that it is "mature" to put others first... fixing yourself better enables you to do that for the right reasons. It all comes down to why you do the things you do... what motivates you to do those things. It is why I stated a person can spark you to change... but in the end it has to ultimately be for you otherwise if ,persay, you and the person that sparked the change break-up, whats to say you don't revert back to the old behavior... and then act ten times worse.

It depends on WHAT you are looking for in a relationship, and what your expectations are. You are aware, I hope, that you do need to let the other know what you are looking for, early relatively, in the relationship, as well as plumbing the other for same. My ex- didn't inform me of her intent of not working toward the collective, so to speak.... She would stay home and scheme how to buy from yardsales and garage sales, then rent a booth at the flea mkt and sell the items in question. Yeah, with whose fortune or lack thereof was this going to happen. Independently wealthy we were not and she wasn't helping at all. Now understand that this didn't come to light for almost 10 years of marriage, so to say I was shocked was an understatement.... MY POINT is you need to know what you want and understand what needs to happen to make this happen, as well as discussing this with the significant other, fairly early. Peace

@Anonymous - didn't mean to fill your ears and mind with perhaps drivel, but my point is to make yourself very clear what you expect for behavior and not assume they already know. Your education and experience are obviously different than his and maybe in his mores, this is acceptable. I don't know and hope not, but..... Peace with your endeavors and hopes....

thank you everyone, this is a big help

thank you @malissa1578@xanga - 

Well let's break this down.

1. Your goal or target is to have an intimate relationship, not just sex. Hopefully with this young man.
2. Your belief system is to do so through manipulation, seduction, and sex
3. Your emotion at the moment is disappointment and guilt, which is pushing you towards change.

The issue here is that these three things do not sync up. You have a goal, you have the necessary emotion to push you towards the goal, but your belief system does not support either of these. So my advice? Change your belief system.

Let me also point out, coming from years of experience and research with pick up artistry and seduction that one of the fundamental rules is, at the end of the day you have to accept that the other person is going to inevitably leave. That is of course, if you follow those techniques.

Neil Strauss, the author of the "The Game" supports this for PUA's and Robert Greene, the author of "The Art of Seduction" does as well in conjunction.

So how does one go about changing their beliefs? Personally speaking I would suggest trying a few books on neuro-linguistic-programming (NLP) but really just put in the effort and work to change. The first step towards change is wanting to do so but now the hard part, the one where you grow as an individual and get over your fear and insecurity regarding vulnerability and emotional availability, is putting in the time and effort to facilitate that change.

Best place to start, positive repetitious thought and practice, and use self control/discipline.

So you looked for fwb before but want a relationship now. Take some time off to develop yourself more towards your goal and someday you'll get there:)