Wednesday, 05 October 2011
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Doubts Before The Big Day
I'm going straight to the point. I've known my fiance for almost 2 years and we're about to get married. But I can't erase the thought of her cheating on me just a couple months ago.
I was away for less than a month and she was out to sea and we kept emailing each other. She kept telling me she loved me and that I am the only one she will ever love. Now, I was still on the other side of the country getting ready to go on leave so I can go to her and drive to her home state with her and meet her family.
When I did go on leave, I went to her apartment since I had a key and I went straight to her room so I could sleep. I looked around first, I was excited to be back and to see her again after being gone almost a month. Then I saw it. I was horrified. There was a used condom under the bed. I started to look around more and saw two more opened condom packs.
In my fury, I emailed her asked "what the hell?"
The next day she texted me because their ship was now back in cellphone range. Apparently she had not read the email so I enlightened her with what I had found. She said she did it with her ex and that she was drunk and thought he was me.
Besides driving with her to Texas to meet her family, I had to drive my car from Virginia to California because I had just transferred. So, because I was so angry, I started to drive for California. All the while, she was texting me how much she loved me and how what she did did not mean anything. She said that she did not want to lose me and that she wanted me to give her a second chance. I was already three hours out and it was 2am in the morning. I was thinking about her and what we had shared before I found what I had found.
I kept thinking that if she was able to do something like this then has she been doing it behind my back since the start? If I turn around and give it a second chance would she do that while she is waiting to transfer to my location? Would she cheat on me again?
As much as it was painful for me to have found out what she had done, I felt even more pain knowing that if I kept going I would never see her again. I would never talk to her again. If I kept going, I would burn the bridge and I would never choose to talk to her. I was at the point where I had to make a choice: keep going and completely shut her out or turn around and give her a second chance...
Obviously, I turned around and went straight to the Naval base and waited for her ship to pull in. I went on board and as soon as I we saw each other, she ran to me in tears and jumped into my arms. I know I love her and at that time, her being in my arms made me forget about what I found for a moment.
Now we are about to get married and she will be transferring to my location. But I'm still haunted by what she did. I worry about who she hangs out with but I try to trust her and just hope for the best. But, honestly, I'm paranoid.
Am I wrong to doubt her? Am I supposed to go through with this? I need some positive/negative feedback so I can have different outlooks to consider.
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- From: ecksfrias@xanga
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Comments (72)
If you weren't engaged already, would you be asking this? Would it be over already? Honestly, only you two can decide if you are prepared for marriage after this, but just remember that getting married doesn't magically erase pain or fix broken trust.
Best of luck to you.
Do it with an ex and even the relationship out. That's the only way to make her respect you as a man.
You would probably have to see her history before you two started dating and see if she has done the same thing to her previous boyfriends. Then, you'll need to sit her down and talk about it. Honestly, her excuse sounds like a big flaming pile of dogshit. But, it's up to you to decide if it will be worth it, if you can put it behind you and move on as well as continue the days without hopefully being reminded of what happened.
I think every relationship is going to have ups and downs.. ideally, you want to go through your life without having to experience cheating (doing it yourself or having it happen to you), but sometimes it happens. And sometimes it happens even if the people do truly love one another. I think loving someone involves forgiveness and grace, even through the painful stuff like this. If you think you are going to let it bother you forever and it's going to affect your trust to the point where you are paranoid and don't think you can ever, ever trust her again, you are going to have your work cut out for you in this marriage. You can't hold onto it in such a way that you might use it against her in an argument in the future.. that's unfair.
I can't tell you what to do or what's right. You have to evaluate everything you've experienced and what you know of your relationship and yourself and make a decision from there. If you can forgive her and learn to trust again, things might be okay.Good luck.
So, she was drunk and she had sex with her ex three times?! Wow. Let's get real here. If she didn't want to cheat, she wouldn't cheat. She can't use the "I was drunk" excuse bc she should of known her limit and that's one of the oldest trick in the book to use when you get caught cheating. If you want to believe her, you can, but you'll be living with it for the rest of your life.
Of course you have the right to doubt her. She cheated on you. She broke your trust. But was she sincerely sorry for what she did? Have she done anything to gain your trust back or to prove to you that you can trust her again? If you hadn't found out, would she had told you? Or would she had kept it a secret from you? There's a lot to think about especially if you're planning to get married. You can't be in a relationship if you can't trust someone especially in your place since both of you are going to be separated most of the time in your relationship. (I gather you two are in the military?)
BUT you did choose to come back to her knowing what she had done behind your back. You either can learn how to trust her again (slowly) or if you can't deal or accept it, cut your loss and move on. Staying in a relationship while you can't forgive the other or hold a grudge against what they did wrong to you is.. well, miserable. You deserve to be happy, too, and you need to find out which path will make you happy. It might not be easy to make that decision right now, but you really need to think about it.
Just saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" keeps running through my head.
But the real question is... can YOU live with it. Can you forgive her and let if go, or every time you look at her, have sex with her, get drunk with her, are you going to be thinking about her cheating on you? What about the next time you or she has to go out of town? can you get that trust back?
@TheMushyPear@xanga - Then he would be no better than her. Two wrongs don't make a right.
I am so sorry. I know how you feel, my boyfriend cheated on me almost three weeks ago. I have never been cheated on and I've never cheated on anyone. Although he hasn't proposed, we plan on getting married (we've only been together seven months). I'm giving him a second chance, because I feel like if I don't, I'll regret it, and if it happens again, at least I know I tried. However, he told me he cheated three days after it happened and told me he wanted to tell me so bad right after it happened, but he said it was so hard. That made a huge difference, if he hadn't told me and I found out for myself, I'd have to say goodbye. I love him and people make mistakes. He told me he would die before he hurts me again. I hate to say it, because I know you're looking for answers, but you have to decide for yourself if working things out is worth it.
Eh, I have to agree, 3 times pretty much says enough about her. There's a huge difference (although still pretty fucked up) between cheating once and three times. The first time she did it, if she did not feel that horrifying guilt and was able to do it again, well to me that says something pretty strong about her character.
Forgiving someone like this will take a lot, and in all honesty may be foolish to do.
Since you already seem on the path of trying to forgive, I would put off the engagement. She broke your trust and I don't see any reason for two people to marry when they don't fully trust each other.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Take care.
well the way I see it, you have 2 choices.
1, you forgive her. And I mean FORGIVE. The kind where you accept her apology, believe her when she says it was 1 mistake and never again, and move on with the relationship. Yes it will take some time for the trust to be up to 100% again.. but you cannot be bringing it up for the next 20 years of marriage. If you have any change of a marriage surviving, you have to forgive and forget. Yes, she messed up, big time. But do you love her enough to see it through? Should you chose this option I would suggest premarital counseling.
or 2,, you can end the relationship.
.
.
Ive been cheated on... the guy i dated before my hubby went to visit an internet-friend.. ended up being a 14 year old girl that he got pregnant (rot in jail for that one buddy).. that doesn't include the many cyber-relationships he had going. I'm glad I met and married a real man.
Good luck with whatever you chose to do.. Follow your heart.. It sounds like you still love this gal a lot.
reevaluate since once a cheater will always be a cheater...
if i were you i would at least elongate the engagement so you can figure things out more. dont just jump into marriage, you need a lot of time to think.
1) Why was the EX bf at her place in the first place? That's already not cool?
2) Is she a slob? Who leaves those LAYING on the ground knowing they are on leave.
3) Her excuse is BOGUS.
She obviously only thought about HERself. If you love her - you better forget about it and move on otherwise you will build up a lot of resentment. Personally, I think you deserve better.
I stopped at "drunk and thought it was me". Drop her. I mean seriously you've been dating for 2 years and one drunk night she confuses her ex with you? That is not the kind of person you need to be marrying. I mean the fact that you even have to ask anyone is just beyond me. I don't expect the person I'm with to be perfect, but goddamn I'd like for them to be able to pick me out in a line up.
At the very least, don't marry her.
I think some of the other questions you should be asking are: "Her ex was at her apartment, why?", "Why were they 'drunk' together", and if she actually is being honest(which seriously, I doubt) "Why did she put herself in that position to begin with?". Plus, three times with one drunk session and she thought it was you? Come on now. So what she's saying is that she got drunk with her ex and he turned into you? Even if that was true, she could cheat on you every time she gets drunk because every guy now has the potential to be mistaken for you. You should feel seriously insulted that she really thought that excuse could make any sense. More so, what you're feeling right now is spot on. She broke your trust, relationships are built on that. Without trust, you can't have a functioning relationship. You might not want to admit it, but I think deep down you know that you deserve better and she is not trustworthy. The paranoia of, "is she still cheating on me" is never worth it, trust me. I know how those kinds of thoughts can really eat away at you, they will make you miserable. Don't put yourself through that kind of mind fuck. Don't start a marriage with someone like that, you deserve better. You'll be happier without her.
what a whore
I'm sure you know what to do......but refuse to follow your mind
Hence you need reaffirmation from us readers.
You know whats up, you know what you should do....
Do you really want to take a cheater as your wife ? for better or for worse ?
If she can cheat once, she can do it again
Things she said are excuses / cover up
If you're having doubts... it means you're not ready
You are not wrong to doubt her and I am so sorry this happened to you. =[
That being said, I'd leave her. Her cheating on you was not a one-time thing! Multiple used condoms lying around aren't "accidents" and not to mention, pretty gross.
Cheating is a serious breach of honesty, trust, and faith and you're about to pledge eternal love, trust, faithfulness, and commitment with this person.
I think that you should consider the reasons for your jealousy. Why does it bother you that she slept with someone else? Does it mean that she loves you any less? Does her having sex have anything to do with her love for you, or does it maybe have more to do with the fact that she was horny, and lonely? If you want to spend your life with her (I assume you enjoy her company), does the fact that she fucked somebody else change any of that?
I am of the school of thought that our partner's are not "ours". We don't get to own any part of them, mind or body. The most we can do is be grateful for their companionship, and enjoy the time we get to spend alongside them. If this is not something you can do at this stage in your life, you should not marry her.
It's not a shocker that you're having doubts. I can't believe she had three opened condom packages and gave you the most stupidest LIE ever about how she thought it was YOU that she had sex with. Why is she hanging out with her ex? Why are they drinking together? Why did they end up at her apartment with each other? Why would she mistaken her EX with YOU? Because she magically wanted to have "one last fling" without having to worry about some sick rumors, she went and had one with her ex and hoped she wouldn't have to explain it to you? Would she have fessed up if you didn't find out?
Then she freaked out, tried to convince you that she thought it was you?
Don't get married. Meet her family. Keep the engagement going until you can find it in yourself to LIVE with this sordid experience of having your trust broken with such a STUPID lie. But don't jump into a marriage when you already don't trust her 100%. It's hard enough when you're apart from each other, it's a whole another messy disaster when you have this in the back of your mind, every time you're stationed away from her or if she tells you she's going to a party that involves alcohol. Make her EARN back the trust, don't give it back like it's candy, it's not. This is a huge issue. PLUS what kind of fool leaves all that crap to be found on the floor? what a dork!
DO NOT JUMP INTO A MARRIAGE. Yes, you love her. Yes, she says she loves you too. But if she did really LOVE you to respect and honour your relationship, she should have went to bed ON HER OWN when she felt really drunk and not let her ex into her bed THREE times. Good luck.
To all - You all have a point and I would like to apply most of them to this situation as best as I can. I've spoken to her and her family. I did not disclose what she did to her family (I left that responsibility to her) but I announced that we will lengthen our time engaged. I explained to her beforehand that I am not comofortable marrying someone who can do something like that and the she should not expect me to be over it quickly.
So, I'm still with her, engaged but our wedding has been pushed back indefinitely until I know I can trust her. No, I'm not gonna apply the bars and fences to the relationship. She still has the freedom to do as she wishes: drink, hang out with friends, etc. But one more mistake like that will end this. I'm not a big fan of second chances but I'm giving it a shot.
And yes, good luck to me. Thanks all.
even though she says she thought it was you, what was she doing getting drunk with her ex in the first place?