Monday, 03 October 2011
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Why Must Dating Be So Serious?
I have a couple of questions about dating, one of which has been bugging me for years, and the other prompted by a Datingish post I just read, "Have You Ever Done 'the Fake Reach'?" Horrifying post, it and the comments establish that a lot of people play games. My two questions are:
1) Why do people play so many games? (prompted by the Datingish post); and
2) Why must dating be so serious?
Game-playing seems to be endemic in dating. Game-playing and testing. Testing? Really? The point of dating -- aside from having fun with interesting people -- is to scope out potential mates, so on the surface "testing" a person seems to fit the purpose, but setting up contrived situations to see how the person will respond strikes me as very manipulative and cynical. If I found out that someone I was dating "tested" me, that would be the last date. Playing head games is another one. My wife and I have had plenty of problems in our relationship, but they have all been honest. I don't understand "playing hard to get," or things like that. It seems far more relaxing to simply be straightforward with people. I've never understood the social games.
The second question is bigger in my mind. Why must dating be so serious? I've been around a lot of high school students, and they seem to go exclusive right off the bat. One minute they're single, then the next, they're exclusive. It seems to make everything so high-stakes. Rather than serial monogamy, why not just date a lot of people casually? Get to know a lot of different people. Grab a burger and shake at the diner with one girl on Friday night, and on Saturday hang out at the park with another one. Next weekend, take in a movie with another girl and maybe play handball with a fourth. Try out a lot of different people, and you learn how to interact with more people, you find out what you like and don't like. You just have fun with a lot of different people, and everything isn't so life-or-death.
One response I received was that if you date lots of people, you get a reputation as a slut. *Sigh* I guess that's a byproduct of sex becoming so easy. When people weren't expected to have sex, going out with someone did not mean you were having sex with her. I guess now people do assume that you are boinking. Just another unintended consequence of the sexual revolution. My retort to that response is, "So what?" I guess my retort is a bit easy to make, considering that people treat you differently based on reputation and I'm sure a girl who picks up that reputation will get hit on more blatantly and crassly by the buttheads and douchebags in her school. So, yeah, the reputation has real consequences, but at some point we learn that conducting our lives based on what will happen to our reputations is a poor way to go about things. Conduct your life by a concept of right and wrong, and the reputation will generally follow -- at least with the people whose opinions matter.
Remember Little Miss Sunshine? The grandfather's advice? "Fuck lots of women." That would be my advice to college upperclasspersonages and post-college young adults.
My advice to high school students would be different. "Date lots of boys/girls." Go on a lot of first and second dates. Not so many serious relationships. Don't rush into love and sex. If love happens, then great. Plenty of high school sweethearts go on to have great marriages, but very often we force relationships out of anxiety. Let it develop. In the meantime, go out there and have a nice time with a lot of different people, and keep it light. Life is serious enough.
So, yeah, why must dating be so serious?
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- From: JeffersonJunior@xanga
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Comments (25)
It needn't be so serious. (I've really been wanting to use that lately.) People like to make things a gazillion times more difficult and serious than they are. I don't know, maybe it lets them believe their life is like, hard, or something.
I think monogamy is the ideal state, and feel that dating should simulate that. I don't know when I'll meet 'the one' but I'd prefer her and I start out exclusive.
That said, I don't think being monogamous and taking things too seriously necessarily go hand in hand. Go out, date one person at a time.If you really like them, make it last. If you don't, don't. One of the most insightful relationships I had in high school lasted less than a week. We enjoyed each others company, but not 'like that.'
I'm sure there's a number of sources one could blame for this occurrence - The Government, Society, MTV, the growing level of dysfunctionality within family dynamics, I'm sure it's an endless list.
I agree with all of this post but especially the point regarding anxiety driving this. Insecurity and fear have a tendency to turn any situation, especially romantic entanglements, into high pressure situations. This of course only suffocates and strangles any potentiality as well as attraction, which then only perpetuates and possibly amplifies these notions of insecurity/fear. It's a vicious and never ending cycle.
How does one break such a cycle? With the suggestions you give. Casually date a number of people, having options creates comfort and confidence.
Personally speaking, I try to be straightforward and honest when I can but it's bloody difficult when your surrounded by a plethora of nutty, immature, college undergrads. Gotta love hormones.
With the human mind being so complex, it's in human nature to be so damned difficult. -_- What can ya do. =)
1) im just myself
2) i date multiple people as well. so to me its pretty relaxed and fun:) i think people my age go about it the wrong way so i kick it old school.
it's serious bc dating helps you find the one...and sometimes we waste too much time on people who aren't good for us so when we get to the nitty gritty, we become serious.
it shouldn't be serious and testing/games are a part of human psychology.
it's the strange nature of humans to run away from someone who is chasing you but be attracted to those that don't want anything to do withyou.
This seems like a cool idea, but people like moi seem to have an aversion to dating. I don't like the idea of wasting my time with people I can't seem to see any future with, also I seem to flee from the pressure that is associated with dating. IMO Dating=pressure and I don't like feeling like I have to live up to something when it comes to dating. I want to feel comfortable, so I don't date often, if ever. I guess I'm one of those folks who enjoys the idea of friends first. I like your advice but, for me the word "dating" would have to be thrown out so I could be myself and enjoy numerous men's company! So I should try "hanging out" with different folks more often. I'll keep that advice in mind, Thanks.
Attractive women feel the need to test guys because they get hit on at least 20 times a day and thus can have any guy they choose. If a guy is not challenging or unpredictable enough, he will lose.
This entire article just hit the spot, but people will be people.
"Rather than serial monogamy, why not just date a lot of people casually?"
Sounds like loneliness, thanks but no thanks. I like caring about one person and having one person care about me, not have a bunch of guys who really don't give a fuck about me and are just using me to have a good time and then forget about me the next day.
I already have a good sense of the type of person I want to be with, and I've barely dated at all. Just having male friends turning into very brief love interests (and having the chance to talk about it with them) gives me a lot of information. So I don't care to waste time with people that I don't feel right about.
And people's hearts work differently. Some are easily able to date more than one person at a time, but I'm not. While I can find multiple men attractive and intriguing, when it comes to deep interest, I can only choose one and focus on him. With me, there's no such thing as being "conflicted" and having to choose between two (or more) guys. If I can't choose one, I'm better off with no one.
Sometimes shit gets serious. I like it when it gets serious. I like it when things get intense.
I wouldn't want to date a guy who takes girl A out Friday night, girl B out Sunday night, and girl C out the next weekend. Screams like a player to me even if he's not. I like to stick with one person and see if we're compatible enough to take our relationship to the next level. I want steady.. not here, there, and over there.
I date to find someone I want to marry. I don't want to marry any guy that "fucks lots of women" or has.
I date because I want to be special, not just to be some girl to hang out with. I can always meet other people, but on a different level. Isn't that what friends are for?
This article and I are on the same wave length =) thanks for writing it.
What can we do to re establish the concept of casual dating? If you recommend the idea, you're a neanderthal or want some kind of polyamourous affair. I'm no neanderthal. Nor do I want to start a sexual commune. I think it would be nice to be able to take a woman out on a Friday, without the expectation of, " 'til death..."
Maybe I'm stupid or naive or whatever else you want to call it, but the idea of dating and/or fucking someone at random just because I'm "looking for the one" seems really screwed up to me. I'm just one other person in a long lime of "lots of women" who have been with that person, and if things don't work out, I don't have that dignity or part of me left to offer later. I don't believe in waiting until marriage or anything, but I don't believe in casual sex or dating, either. I think it's just different for everybody.. I like serious. It worked out for me.
If you ask me, a guy going out casually with a different girl every single night is playing games. What if the first girl thinks she's getting something special or different and doesn't know he is seeing other people? A date can be just a date, sure, but for some people it isn't. What if the second or third or tenth girl sees him out with someone else? Maybe she doesn't have a right to be angry, but it might still hurt. That's a game and it doesn't seem fair to me.
looks to me like someone is just trying to justify some of their behavior others see as outside of social norms..
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I don't know, I guess I think dating can get serious but doesn't need to start out that way. It is serious though... potential life partner and all. However I don't consider being exclusive necessarily being serious, you can still take it slow in a variety of ways in terms of commitment and what the relationship means. I wouldn't want to date more than one person at a time...emotional reasons and it would be time consuming and distracting and just not very satisfying.
i really liked this post.
casual dating would be nice, if people weren't big in to sex. i've chosen not to hang out with guys interested in me because i didn't want sex to come up (and then maybe find out that's what they wanted?).
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"Rather than serial monogamy, why not just date a lot of people casually? Maybe because when you invest time and emotions into that many women/men, you gain a thing called emotional baggage. I certainly don't want my boyfriend, or even someone with the potential to be my boyfriend, to have a lot of different girls going through his mind and his heart. What ever happened to commitment?