Sunday, 02 October 2011
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What If Your Significant Other Doesn't Want Children?
On the way to dinner, my boyfriend and I passed a mother and adorable toddler. We cooed and waved as we walked by, and after a moment, my boyfriend asked "Would you date someone who didn't want to have kids?"
The question made me pause for a moment. I mean, I've always imagined that I would have kids. It's an adventure that I want to experience, the whole process an amazing part of life that I want to grow and learn from. However, a small part of me has always thought that maybe I'd be okay without kids too. There's no real science behind the reasoning, and it could just be the fact that I'm young and it's hard to imagine life with kids anytime soon, but I know that in general I would probably be happy with kids or without, if that was the path I chose to take.
After careful consideration, I answered "I might date someone and hear out their reasoning... but I would have to seriously think twice before actually marrying them, because I think I want kids".
"I've always seen myself as a Dad," he said confidently. "I can't imagine not having kids."
It it made me think: what if I was dating someone I truly loved, only to find out they didn't want children? Naturally, I'd want to hear out their reasoning as I had answered, but it is much easier to imagine how I would feel in the hypothetical situation than in reality. As a woman, there is a time limit on when I have to make that decision. I might think that I could be fine without children for now, but what about 10 years down the road? What if, like my boyfriend, not having kids wasn't an option? Since children aren't really something you "compromise" on... would breaking up be inevitable, or would you change your mind (or make him change his) knowing that one of you might regret your decision?
Do you want kids? What would you do if you found out that your significant other didn't want to have kids?
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- From: micah
- Name: micah
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Comments (66)
I'm actually in this very situation... and it has been really really hard.
I want children and my boyfriend doesn't.
I don't want them anytime soon. Like I'm thinking about waiting at least 6 more years. We are both 24. I want to be settled in my career and everything before that happens. But he doesn't want them so I am stuck in this hard spot. I love him with all my heart, and I don't think this is a decision he should be making so young. My biggest fear is breaking up with him over this and then later in life he finds someone else and has kids. When the ONLY reason we broke up was because of the idea.
His reasoning is because he sees all the bad things that are going on in our society (the economy, government, war, and just the way people are in general) and he thinks its only getting worse. So he doesn't want to have children and put them in that situation. I think its more because he didn't have the best childhood and wouldn't want that happening to anyone else. Even tho I tell him he won't be his parents.
So I don't know what to do.... I'm glad you wrote this, because I would like to get opinions.
Whenever we pass a baby/toddler on the street, my husbands always goes, "awwww look at the baby!!!" and says he can't wait till we have kids and how they'll be so pretty (because they'll be white-Asian mix lol). But recently my husband said he thinks kids aren't necessary. I am crushed. I've always daydreamed of motherhood, and cannot wait to have a lot of kids. And my husband thinks it's "unecessary" to have kids? I don't know how that's going to work out. I don't want my children to have such a cynical father that doesn't even want them or see the beauty of having children :-/ I'm really hurt.
When I was a lot younger I didn't think I ever wanted to have children. The older I got the more I thought that having a child might not be completely out of the picture but I wasn't too sure yet. Then, when I met my husband and our relationship got more serious, I realized that I can't imagine myself NOT having children. Thankfully, my husband wanted children. In fact, he wanted MULTIPLE children. Now, we're expecting our first child and I can't imagine my life being any different. It's exactly what I want.
If my husband (then boyfriend) would have been completely against having children, I might have stayed with him for a while longer but I don't know if I could have married him. I'm not sure when or how my mind changed. Maybe it was because I was in love and knowing that he wanted children made me start wanting children, or if it was just my "baby ticker" going off. I think it was a combination of a lot of things. The decision to have a child came with maturity. It also came with the love I felt for my husband, it increased my desire to share a child with him.
If you KNOW you want children, then don't marry someone who KNOWS they don't want them. That will cause a rift later and either one of you might resent the other for having/not having children. If you just aren't sure, or your partner just isn't sure, then it's probably something you should both wait on, anyway.
It can be grounds for a split for many people. Are you both certain you'll always feel this way? I am reminded of Michael C. Hall's divorce here..
It's funny... because it's always been the guys I've dated who coo and aww over kids. My ex certainly wanted to have kids, and as much as he never pressured me into anything, I always felt like because of the 7 year age gap between us, sooner or later all hell would break lose when he wants kids and I feel I'm too young to have them. With the guy I currently like, I know he sees himself family planning in 5 years, which is all cool and everything but I'm not too sure I would see myself attempting to have kids at age 26.
I'm in the opposite situation, as a female. I'm not sure if I want kids, even in the next 5 years, and I know that I won't want more than 1. Two is pushing it for me. My Fiance wants kids. Many. At least 3. But he says that he wants OUR children. So I figure that if the kid is going to be feeding off me for 9 months, I get to make the decision on how many we have. So I'm hoping for twins the first time out so the baby shop can be closed for good. It doesn't bother me that I'm not sure I want multiples and he does. It's just another thing to discuss.
I'm actually the one who doesn't really want kids. He does, but he has a lot of things to work on before he's mature enough to be a dad.
Both of my boyfriends in high school wanted to have kids, and at the time I was sure I wanted them too. Now Im not so sure. I think if I found "the one" or whatever you want to call him I might start thinking "omg how could I not want a family with this guy?!"
The one thing keeping me from firmly wanting a family is my depression. It runs in my family (on both sides) and I have been battling with it for close to 8 years. Not only do I want to be depressed if/when I have kids but I also worry about passing that struggle down to them. Science hasnt found a definite link between genetics and depression, but since numerous people on both sides of my family have it it makes me worry.
I feel I would be happy without them. I would be okay with him not wanting kids. If however he did definitely want kids then I would probably concede and pop out one or two for him since I am relatively okay with both options.
when i watched that clive owen movie where all the women were unable to have children, it really got to me. i cried all over the place in that movie. then the miracle of that one woman who was with child, more tears. it was ridiculous. it was then that i decided that i for sure, wanted children. just the idea of being unable, made me notice my want. if i was physically unable, id try to adopt. =) so no, i could not date someone who didnt want kids. i want a man who wants a little spawn of his own too! =)
My fiance and I are both undecided. We feel like it's not the time to make this decision so why worry about it right now?
I only date men seriously if they have absolutely zero interest in children. I'm really glad that my boyfriend and I are super up front about this because I don't know what I would have done if a year into our relationship I found out he actually wanted them. Yikes! But if he did, he'd have to deal with no children or leave. There is absolutely not way someone's getting me to have or adopt kids.
You can definitely compromise on having children...
I don't want children but if I loved a guy enough and I knew he actually gave a crap about me and loved me the same, I might be able to have a child with him. It would suck but I could get over it I guess.
i do want children and if my SO didn't want children, i'd probably wouldn't want to be with him. it's a total deal breaker.
I am on the fence for kids. Having some would be nice, but not having any would be just as nice (maybe more nice). If my S.O. didn't want kids then I guess I wouldn't be having kids. (;
*If I settle down with a woman I'm glad I won't have to deal with pregnancy*
I don't want kids and don't waste my time dating girls who want kids.
it isn't my top priority to have kids. I'll consider it in maybe a decade later. if my s.o. quickly wants kids in a year or two or in the near future, then no, I won't. so just make things clear in the beginning to not drag it along and waste each other's time if we aren't on the same page.
for now I don't want kids. I'm still young so perhaps this may change (thought I honestly doubt). I'll be okay with an SO that doesn't want a kid. I want to travel the world anyway and that's kinda hard with kids. Besides the fact it may be really hard for me to have kids. My ovaries are shit
I have a tendency to believe that there is something wrong with someone when they tell me that they're positive they don't want children. Of course they're also usually college students and their mindsets change every few minutes. But it baffles me still...I end up saying something along the lines of, "Your still a teenager...you have no idea what you want! Come talk to me in five or ten years, when you've been married for a few years," and if your a woman, "when your nearing 40".
Now, when I say the above it's always because the person has presented me with some immature reason - "Oh I don't like kids", "I don't want to care of them", "Babies are
disgusting", and my personal favorite, "The world is already
overpopulated, I don't want contribute another person who is going to
damage the environment". Perhaps though...I should favor their beliefs. Do I really want to see those genes passed on? I digress.
Speaking for myself, I try to maintain an open mind. But I have always enjoyed the notion of being a father and having a family of my own. In fact I would find it very depressing if I weren't to have children. However, I have no idea what the future holds or what could happen, maybe my mind will change, who knows.
I already have three kids. If I have more kids, then I do. If I don't, I'll be perfectly happy with that. I wouldn't have any issue dating a guy who doesn't want kids (or more kids).
@silver_raindropz@xanga -
I want kids (always have) but I definitely see where he's coming from. But if that's the case, would you two be willing to consider adoption? An adopted child is already alive, therefore you're not bringing another child into the messed up a world.
Go listen to some Doug Stanhope. Hes got some excellent points. I recommend the track 'Stomping Kittens' off his newest album.....
My husband and I are continually having this conversation and evaluating whether or not we want this. We are happy to be able to take up and leave when we want w/o having to worry about pets or kids. We like the freedom of being able to spend our extra money on things we enjoy. I never really wanted kids. I raised my two little sisters, so I feel like I've kind of already done it. My husband says he does, but when it comes down to it, he likes the way our lives are right now. Of course, this could change, but I don't see us even seriously contemplating the idea in the next 5 years, so it's hard for me to imagine my life with them at all.
When I think about having children, I honestly think I would rather adopt. As a social worker, I see alot of kids who are just thrown away and NEED a caring, loving, structured environment. Could I provide that now? Nope. But maybe, one day, I might. Who knows.
@sorority_girl86@xanga - My husband was initially the same way when we first got married. After we got settled into our lives and he realized how much freedom he had w/o them, he questioned whether or not he actually wanted them or just liked the idea of having them. The idea of having kids is great and natural, I think, but people just do not realize how much time and work they are.