In the quest to find the right person, certain qualities appeal to everyone: physical attraction, a good sense of humor, kindness and honesty. Honesty is key in any relationship if you want it to last. Girls and guys alike never want to deal with a liar or someone who sneaks around behind their back. Personally, I like a girl who can tell me when something is bothering them. I also like to be able to tell them openly about things that bother me, without the fear that they will flip out on me.
I starting thinking about this after reading
The Difference Between Cute and Pretty, in which the writer's date went awry after she asked the guy: "When you first saw me on Facebook, did you think I was pretty?" The guy responded with, "Umm I wouldn’t say you were ‘pretty’…definitely
cute though." While the guy definitely could have found a better way to say it, he still managed to be honest while not saying anything overtly offensive. He still believed she was attractive, just chose a different word to express it.
So, what is an honest man supposed to do when asked a question for which the answer is not what the other person wants to hear? You know, questions like, "Does this outfit make my butt look big?" or "If your mother and I were both drowning, who would you save first?" Those kinds of questions. The idea of telling a "white lie" seems to offer a way to get out of these situations without
really lying -
but they're still lies, and I don't even want to tell one of those. I'll give you an example. In my most recent relationship, my now-ex girlfriend was cooking fried rice for dinner. She used a different kind of soy sauce that was not salty. I, accustomed to salty foods, took a bite and noticed a big taste difference. *Note: I want to make it clear that I did not spit it out or anything of that sort.* She asked how it was. I told her it tasted different, as in: not as salty. She stared at me for a second, got up, took the rest of the rice and threw it down the garbage disposal.
I asked what she was doing, and she muttered the words, "If you don't like my cooking, don't ask me to cook at all." What followed was lots of screaming and being upset with me for the rest of the night.
This is the same girl that told me throughout the relationship that she hates liars and that if I ever lied to her, I would pay for it. Now, perhaps I should have chosen other words (besides "different") to describe the taste. But, I didn't say it was bad. I just used the first word that came to my mind to describe the food, which she assumed meant "bad."
If someone says they want the truth, but then reacts this way when we are honest, should we assume they only want the selective truth? Only the positive, ignore the negative? I don't believe in telling people what they want to hear - if it is not the truth, it is only going to fuel a giant explosion later on. I'd rather be honest now.
Can you handle the "sometimes-ugly truth," or do you make sure others only tell you what you want to hear?
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Comments (45)
i want someone to tell me the truth, but also understand that i might be hurt when i hear it. its hard to explain. i would rather you didn't LIE, or withold the truth, but sometimes if it is something i don't want to hear, i'm going to get upset. in these cases, i won't do anything crazy, but i will probably let him know that i'm upset (if it isn't already very clear, which, lets face it it usually is..) and be a little distant until i sort out my feelings. eventually i'll come to a conclusion that i need to work on part of myself, or that it was just a distasteful opinion comment that really didn't need to be said. we'll apologize, and move on.
If you can't take the truth, don't ask for it.
I try not to be overly blunt with some people but still tell them the truth overall. And if they chose to twist my words or assume things it's their own issue to deal with if they end up feeling upset. Sometimes Ill get in a really insecure mood and ask my boyfriend stupid manipulative questions and he only answers with "Stop asking me stupid questions. I know what you're trying to do". Ill feel a little hurt but then realize I am only asking him goofy things because I am feeling confused and rejected at the moment for whatever reason.
I want to be told the truth, that's what I want to hear. Some people are overly critical and I don't get along with those people. However, if I ask for the truth, I do want to hear it. There are plenty of girls like that and I suggest you find one of those. I can't stand white lies and I don't want to have to go around telling them, nor hearing them. Good luck!
I don't get hurt easily though. So, if my butt looks big in a dress I would rather know that then walk around looking foolish. Some girls prefer to be lied to. Not all of us.
Why is the concept of tact such a difficult one to grasp? Being honest doesn't mean you have to lose all semblance of tactfulness or consideration for the other person's feelings. Consider the following ways of telling someone they look fat in that dress they're trying on:
"That dress makes you look like a beached whale."
"I don't think that's the most flattering cut for you, but I really liked that other dress you tried on earlier."
You see the difference? Both convey the honest message that that dress makes you look like crap; but one does it offensively and the other does it constructively. Aim for the second kind of honesty.
dont date a crazy if they get upset over fried rice
Agree with just_the_average_jane. You have it all wrong.
It's nothing to do with telling white lies, or not telling the truth at all.We want the truthIt's about being tactful. Which many don't have the talent for.
Yes, honesty above all.
She was just testing you with that tirade man. When a girl gets upset over something that doesn't make sense to you, then she is testing you.
your ex definitely sounds like a psycho lol
I think when most people say, "I want the truth" they're only talking about the sugar-coated truth. Most people that say that, don't want you to tell them exactly what's wrong; they don't want to be critized, they just want you to make them feel good. I can handle the bold truth when it comes to things like my school work, study habits and cooking. I want to be the best I can be in those areas so I don't mind the criticism.
I try not to ask questions that I can readily find the answer to or would put someone in a lying situation. Questions like: 'does my butt look big? do you love me? do you think i'm a bitch?" I can find the answer to them all by looking in the mirror without my "bias glasses" on, looking at his actions and body language or doing a self-evaluation of my behavior.
I would say I can handle the truth. The truth may sting a little bit but at some point I'll get over it. I feel like people do try to say what we want them to say. If I'm upset of course my bf will apologize or take my side whichever is needed. But frankly, just tell me the truth because I know that a persons actions mean more than their words anyway. You can say you're sorry for hurting me but I know you will hurt me again in the same way.
that was some over reaction there. literally walked to the garbage and tossed it??? amazing... i think you worded it fine. she may of even been more insulted if you had told her that she didnt cook it right or add enough salt. eeep!
i have realized that the kindest lies are better to live with than the honest answers. people just cant take some things being said to them. i cant, many boyfriend i had couldnt, my family cant, etc. just no winning. so i say decline/avoid answering or give a little kind lie if you cant be nice in your honest replies. lies have stopped wars you know. started many, but those were huge lies. ;) little lies keep people at bay.i can definitely handle the ugly truth but yes, there are times when i only want to hear what i want to hear bc the ugly truth hurts too much.
In some instances, it's better to lie. As long as that lie is protecting someone. Most of the time, I think you should be as honest yet polite and sensitive. There are ways to speak "the ugly truth" and not make it sounds so ugly. For example, if ask my husband if my stretch marks look bad (I'm 33 weeks pregnant, I know they look bad), then I don't expect him to say "What stretch marks!?" or to tell me they're beautiful, but I do expect him to be sensitive to my feelings when answering honestly. I've asked him this exact question before and he says the perfect answer "They aren't too bad and they will definitely fade once he's born." -- I love to cook so I always make new dishes and ask for my husbands honest opinion. He will straight up tell me what he likes and what he doesn't like. If he doesn't like it, as you said, he doesn't spit out his food or make faces, he simply tells me "It's not quite spicy enough" or "Needs a little more salt" or just flat out "Eh, not my style." If he doesn't like something then I'd rather him tell me so I don't make it again or so I can fix it next time around.
In my opinion, some women are way too sensitive. As long as they aren't meaning to hurt your feelings (in most cases), then you shouldn't take it so personally.
I am incredibly direct and brutally blunt/honest, which is both a blessing and a curse. But I've recently come to the realization that anyone who can get that offended by something you say, such as "different", is just not worth your time or energy in getting to know.
Now this is not say I don't try to sugar coat things. For instance I was presented with the loaded question over the summer, by a friend, who asked me why I suggested a different workout program than the one on the television we saw. Now, the one on television was Insanity (which I do) and the one I suggested was P90X (which I have also done). This friend was not by any means in shape - her diet was awful, she never worked out, she smoked, and she was carrying some extra calories (if your offended by that sugarcoat, too bad). I suggested to her to go with P90X because it's the lighter workout between the two. I knew that if she went with Insanity, which I find exhausting and I'm a semi-professional athlete, then she would've very likely been discouraged after the first session and given up entirely. So in the end my response to her was, "I don't think your active enough". She was slightly offended but nothing awful. Although oddly enough we had another "friend" sitting nearby who completely exploded on me, but it was because she had weight issues and anytime that comes up she goes on the defensive...even if the conversation has nothing to do with her.
In summary, guys try to be self aware and sugar coat when you can. Or try the compliment sandwich. If the person still gets offended and blows up on you, then that's just a sign that they weren't worth getting to know or that that friendship/relationship needs to end.
Some people want to be perfect. Your ex sounds like a lot of girls. Firstly, did you ask her to cook? How did you say it tasted interesting? It's not what you say but how you say it, the look on your face, your tone.
There's a great little peace studies book called transcend and transform. I don't remember most of it, but I remember the beginning. You have to come up with a creative solution to your problem.
You know you want to tell the truth, and the truth will hurt her feelings. These are two conflicting interests. One way you can make peace between them is to transcend the conflict altogether. Stop thinking of it as a matter of the rice not being salty enough and you needing to tell the truth.
You can pick up a salt shaker, put a smile on your face, add some salt and then say it's great, you like your food salty. Or you can say how about we add some more salt or salty soy sauce, I like savoury foods... etc?
@just_the_average_jane@xanga - Perfect.
Girls are weird. Even though generalizing about girls isn't an accurate judge of a specific situation I'd say that most of the time girls are emotional. Every thing can have an emotional connotations to a girl. So sometimes girls are just fishing for a compliment instead of the truth. But that doesn't make it ok! Telling the truth is VERY important- no matter if it seems like that may not be what she (she being any woman, myself included) wants at the time.
I'd say that the BEST solution to this seeming conflict of interest is to think, think, think, think, think before speaking. If you don't mean something in a negative way then say exactly what you mean to say. In your situation maybe asking (in positive sounding tone of voice) "Did you make this differently?!" or saying "Hmm, it doesn't taste the same." or simply "Its less salty." (being very aware of your tone regardless of whatever comes out of your mouth!).
If you think you can't avoid the brutal truth (like if she were to directly ask which version of the dish you preferred) then tell the truth. But a) use your words wisely and carefully and b) be very aware of your tone of voice and body language.
If at first she takes it the wrong way explain yourself- what you meant, why you said it, and maybe it wouldn't hurt to conclude with a truthful compliment (In the case of "Does this outfit make my butt look big": "Compared to other outfits it kind of does but don't let that stop you from wearing it because no one will be looking at your butt with your stunning eyes."- I'd hope that if you like her you have something you could truthfully compliment her on).
And if you still have troubles after that then I'd say you are with a girl who either has mega hormone issues or who is way too high maintenance.
Bitch crazy.
lol You sound like the guy I'm seeing. He honest to a fault and even at 30, is only starting to grasp the idea of tact. He's offended me a few times, by being a little too blunt with things, but I (usually) know that he's just being honest and doesn't actually mean to offend me. So while he's trying to be a little more tactful, I'm also trying to be less easily offended (and honestly, I know I don't get offended NEARLY as easily as a lot of other females! lol). And at the end of the day, I'd much rather have honesty, even if I take it the wrong way, than someone who lies to me. Been there, done that.
Geez, I would think a normal girl would ask, "Oh? Different how?", which would open a dialogue. Freaking overreaction. I WANT my g/f to tell me, "hey, it's okay, but next time use the saltier soy sauce (in which I would respond, "salt it yourself; I don't want to develop hypertension"), and use the criticism to help. I'd hate to have someone pretend... i HATE pretending.
If a woman/gf asks me if an outfit makes her butt looks big, I always say yes since that question is a trap in the first place. If a girl throws the food down the disposal because you say the food tastes different, she is the one who has problems, not you. I always tell the truth even if it hurts. And I expect the same thing to come my way. How is a relationship going to grow. What I dont expect is a lot of throwing food down the drain. We are all adults and should act like such.
It hurts to hear the truth sometimes, but ultimately, I want honesty, COMPLETE honesty.
I don't ask questions unless I know I can handle the truth. If I do ask a question and I want to the guy to just reaffirm something I already think, whether true or not, I usually joke and tell him exactly what to say. That being said, wording is everything. Your ex probably shouldn't have flipped shit, but maybe you triggered something. I would have personally apologized if I did that to a guy pretty much after 5 minutes, but some girls are just kinda nuts.
I think it is a matter of knowing the person, gauging the intent of the question. I'm sometimes really hurtful because I can be callously truthful. If I don't like food someone makes, I'm usually polite, but if it's say...my boyfriend or my mom or my best friend...I'm like "Ugh, yeah, not great" but always smile and say it's fine, I appreciate the effort. I'm not trying to be hurtful. If I made something that sucked, I wouldn't expect them to be lie to me. I'd want them to be honest, give me a hug, and say "I still love you anyway".
My mom always asks me how things look on her. She gets angry if I give me a vague "fine", and she gets angry when I give her a elaborate (but not even negative!) opinion. I once told her the top she was wearing my too dressy for the occasion, that another one looked more casual and she got all upset. I will tell her when stuff looks bad on her because she is insecure as it is. If she asks me how she looks, why would I lie to her and make her look bad? I wouldn't. I love her. I wish she'd get this. On the other hand, I never once asked certain people "how do I look?" and they have to start going off on me about how I dress badly....I didn't ask, keep your opinion to yourself, jerk.
I'm not sure what my point is. Maybe I need better people in my life. :/