Friday, 30 September 2011
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I Always Wondered If My Dad Cheated
I don't have a good relationship with my parents, and I think part of that reason is because they do not have a good relationship with each other. It was always a really tense environment at home, and I always remember both of them asking me to pick sides whenever they fought.
I was listening to a lecture the other day about a book in which the main character's husband cheats on her. It triggered this strange memory for me that I probably never wanted to think about again.
To put this memory in context:
My parents did not have a strong presence in my life until I was nine. My mom worked twelve hour shifts and had a two hour commute each day trying to support my sister and me. She paid a nanny to cook and clean for us when she was away and asked one of our family friends to drive us to school every morning and take us home every afternoon. For reasons I still don't know, my dad would spent months at a time overseas. Often I would just see him for a week or two before he was off again. I wrote him letters and talked to him on the phone when I could, but he could never answer me properly when I asked him what he was doing overseas for months and months at a time instead of being there with our family.The memory I recalled happened when I was seven. My parents were on the phone having an argument with each other over "that stupid woman" as my mom kept repeating. My mom told my sister and me to stay out of her room as she was on the phone, but we could still hear her screaming at my dad over what sounded like cheating accusations. When my mom got off the phone, she came into the living room, crying really hard and told us she loved us so much that she'd never leave us. I was too young to really understand why she was so hurt, and had never been around my dad enough to miss him.
My sister left the living room to go back to the room we shared. My mom looked at me and told me I needed to call my dad.
"Why?"
"Just do it. I'll tell you what to say when he picks up."
I dialed my dad's number and he answered the phone with a string of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." thinking it was still my mom calling him.
My mom whispered to me, "tell your dad to stay there and have fun living with his new girlfriend."
That young, I don't think I had enough sense to realize that meant he was cheating on my mom (if it was true, I still don't know for sure) but I had enough sense to realize I shouldn't have been shoved into that situation. I hung up on my dad without saying what she told me to say. She was angry with me for not saying it, and I stormed out of the room feeling like she tried to use me to fight her own battles.The years following, my dad stopped going out of the country so often and my mom worked shorter days, but they barely spoke to each other or to me and my sister while we were at home. There was always this tension of something unspoken whenever the four of us were all in the same room, something I have always hated and still notice to this day on the rare occasions that the four of us are together at the same time.
It has been so long since this happened and I don't live at home anymore, so I wonder what my parents' relationship is like now. I don't want to know the whole story with whatever happened with my parents when I was seven--whether my dad was actually living with some other woman for all those years, or if my mom was just spitting out accusations because she was really stressed out with our living situation at the time.
Do you have any repressed memories about relationships that are triggered randomly? Have you ever been put in a similar situation by your parents?
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- From: dangelb
- About Me: My name means "daybreak" and I'm usually awake to watch the sunrise every morning. I'm a college student, obsessive tea drinker, and contemporary dancer. My first love was the piano before I learned how to love people. I love my R.O.B.--Really Outstanding Boyfriend--who gets just as excited as I do over antique books, soft-baked cookies, and Sporcle.
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Comments (38)
regardless of whether or not he cheated, your mother handled that very poorly. Dragging your children in the middle of your relationship problems? What was she thinking? She used you to try to guilt your father. I'm pissed on your behalf.
I'm sorry your parents dragged you and your sister into their problems like that (i.e. making you choose sides, making you call your dad while your mom feeds you the lines). My mom did that kind of stuff with my sister and I all the time when we were younger and it really fucked us up. It sucks so much, parents should never manipulate their kids like that :(
@winterEnds@xanga - Totally agree.
What a bitch. Im sorry she put you in the middle of that at such a young age. That just makes all of your lives a living hell because they're living a lie and that rubs off on you. What a cow.
my parents are in the middle of getting a divorce. my mom and i have always had a bad relationship and i'm definitely closer to my dad. recently my mom has made many comments about how my father was a horrible husband and how he just 'bailed' and accused him of cheating on her multiple times... sooo ya I know exactly what you mean. whether or not he had an affair is not my business and doesn't change my relationship with him at all because he's always been a good father but it's annoying how my mother is trying to make me think badly of him and ruin my relationship with him because of her bitterness towards him. if anything it's making my relationship with my mother worse because i know the only reason she's telling me this is because she wants me to be angry with my father and be on "her side" of the divorce which is a real shitty thing to do. anyways my point is children should never be put in the middle.
My dad cheated on my mom more times than I will ever know (or care to). That said, I had no idea as a kid. I only remember them fighting once, and they were in the garage. I had gone in there to get some ice cream from the freezer. They both apologized to me for yelling at each other.
The only reason I know that he cheated is because as an adult, I was going through a rough time with a boyfriend, and my mom told me about how she felt being cheated on her. I asked her if it was my dad. My mother never spoke poorly of my father to me, even after they divorced. I was 12 when she left him, and she just told me that they didn't love each other anymore.
I am really sorry that you got stuck choosing sides and having to be a toy in your parents' games. That's not right for any PERSON to go though, much less a child. I hope that it hasn't affected your life as an adult and the relationships you have or will enter.
my parents were separated before I was born, so I have no memory, but sometimes it is better that way to have no memories than to have bad memories of a horrible person that would be best to not be a bad influence on my life.
Is there just a big pile of shitty stock photos for people to use?
My parents got into an argument over who knows what. I was young too. My mom took me to her sister's to sleep over and my dad came and he and my mom argued even more. I don't know what was going on but I cried anyways. It's been like 10 years and I still don't know what's going on. That memory is triggered a lot, mainly on birthdays, christmases, new years, any holiday where you spend with people you care about. I'm sorry that you were dragged into it though.
Your Dad probably was cheating, what other explanations are there? All the clues you've stated lead to it, I can't imagine something else happening really. I see this situation in only 2 perspectives. I understand why you didn't want to be in the middle of that, but I don't think your Mom was 100% wrong for having involved her kids. Perhaps she wanted her children to grow up learning how pitiful cheaters were, to never become a cheater, to despise them, to stand strong against them. Maybe the way she dealt with it wasn't the best, but the comments left on here against your Mom's actions are a bit too harsh.
I'm not sure whether my dad really had an affair or not but until now, I could still remember how my mom would always bash in my childhood days about how my dad was cheating off with some other woman. She would then tell me that I would not probably understand her because I was still so young. But I did--I understood her each and every time. And I kind of hated her all this time for doing that to my still-innocent self (even going so far as to tell me about the minute details of the affair). Sure, I'm her child and it's normal to open up about your problems to your loved ones, but hey, do make sure not to go over the limits. Remember: any kid (especially a very young one) wouldn't want to have a destroyed image of their family in their heads.
I completely understand how you feel and yes those memories don't and won't leave you but, they can help you decide how you want to be and how you want to lead your life and your future. My mom cheated on my dad and my dad found out when I was in sixth grade. Everything changed for me then and my perspective of my family and myself. My dad got me and my sister way to involved in their drama and wanted to demonize my mother to us. He wanted to make her feel sorry for her actions but still keep our family together. He trash her to us and making us feel guilty for doing things that would make her unhappy because he was angry at her but, it hurt me. I even felt insulted when he'd say I was like her because of the way he'd made her out to be so bad in my mind. I remember crying and praying at night all throughout middle school for my family to stay together and to be happy, for my mom to be happy with my dad. It still makes me cry remembering.
He didn't mean to hurt us but, they both did by keeping us involved and it has probably forever damaged my relationship with my parents. I literally don't even like when they touch me now or try to hug me and I'm a person who loves to cuddle. Parents really need to try to understand the impact of their actions on their children. You may be mad that your husband isn't faithful and you have every right to that but, you don't have a right to make your children miserable because of your relationship problems. That's neglect. You can't just house, feed, and give them an education and call it a day. Parenting is more than that. You have to give them someone to love and someone who loves them by treating them with respect and kindness.Â
I really feel sorry for you too. Everyone wishes for a loving family to come home to but, we don't always get that. At least you'll have an opportunity to make those bonds with your children one day and you'll know exactly what not to do and why.
yep sounds like my life.
Yeah, on occasions one of my parents did that.
But considering, how your mother acted I can honestly say that you don't know the whole story between your parents. Whatever, your father did or didn't do, it is really hard to understand but he simply may have needed to cheat. I've been through enough in my life to understand why some people (who aren't bad people and who aren't bad parents) cheat. Use only your relationship with each parent to determine how you feel about them, not their combined relationship with you.
Good luck!! Had your mother not put you into this situation, this could have been something you didn't remember.
Luckily I don't have repressed memories, I do however have repressed feelings from my past, which thankfully I've been working through lately. So I'm aware of what has occurred in my life I just can't immediately recall how I felt at the time, or if I felt anything at all.
As for being put in a similar situation, yes I have definitely been used by my parents. They just went through a nasty divorce and I was completely unaware of it at times, that I was being used to get back at the other parent. In the end I told them both, in essence, "Cut the bullshit or you lose your son and probably your other kids". Dealing with immature and childish parents is a horrible experience and I will NEVER put my children through that. I couldn't imagine going through that at the age of nine...I can understand your mother being so incredibly hurt and emotional but that's still not acceptable.
If that ever happens again, put your foot down.
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My home life situation was similar, but replace the father cheating on his wife with a woman, with a father who was out for days at a time doing street drugs all of the time. When I was a teen, I begged my mom to leave him, because it was destroying us.
To this day, and with good reason, if I start to date a guy and I discover he is experimental with drugs, it freaks me out. I start thinking about how my dad was, and that even if they aren't like that now, that they will become that way.
On one hand I'd have to say that I wish my life had been different back then, but on the other hand it made me much more aware and stronger to be able to handle bad situations and look for red flags when dating someone.
Maybe there could be some sort of a good lesson positive spin on this too? Even if the bad things are hard to deal with and think about sometimes, I feel like the bad things we go through is just to help prepare us for something else later. I'm not saying that you will one day be in the same situation, but maybe the lesson is to remind you when you have children that you are supposed to protect them, not use them for your own protection.
it's the worst when children are dragged into their parents issues. As bad as that memory is though, know that all parents are human and make mistakes or make rash decisions at the heat of the moment. Know that they love you still, and don't let things like that bog you down. Remember the event, accept that it happened, and just keep on going.
What your mother did was wrong, but many women do behave like that. Unfortunately, many people can look back on their childhood and see such behavior. I don't even have to look that far back. My own dad worked for long hours at a trailer plant when I was young, and my mother was convinced he was frolicking behind the trailers with naked female workers all day. She went so far as to threaten the lives of me and my little sister, complete with loaded gun, in the name of finding out if it was "Sarah" or "Kelly." I would swear with my hands clamped on a stack of bibles things like that happened. However, that behavior never goes away. I recently left my family to struggle on my own because my mother's jealousy flared up again. She became overtly violent toward my dad and sister, and accused the three of us of having an incestuous relationship. I wasn't allowed to smile at my dad or I would be accused! These women will lose control of their anger and use whoever they have to and whatever means necessary to win the battle.
However, we shouldn't just place blame on the mother. Despite rage fits and jealousy, if there was another woman to blame the father holds responsibility as well. If that was the only time she did that, that's a GOOD thing. If she did that to the point to where you were brainwashed to belittle your dad every freaking time you saw him, it would be a bad thing. (Like what my sister is now. :p )Even though I hate what my mother did to us then, and has done to us now, my dad could have been a better man. He most likely did cheat, several times, but he never owned up to it. Nor did he ever prevent the emotional scarring we've all had to endure. Your story is fluffy to me, but a good representation of how we know when we are young what is good and bad in a relationship. I made the same decision to stay out of the fighting several times, and became hated for it.
@lforletty@xanga - I agree.
My dad cheated on my mom and she left him. I understand every family is different. Where MOST parents mess up is when they think they should stick together for the children's sake.
I believe that gowing up in a single family home has made me a better person today. Watching my mom do everything on her own set a really good example for me. I've learned to become very independant- thanks to my mother. She had no college degree- no job- no money- no child support from my dad, but she left him anyways.
Watching your parents go through a divorce can be nasty. My dad tried to turn me against my mom. I'm glad they didn't stay together for my sake.Maybe your mom just wants you to learn from her experience. Maybe this happened so that you can learn to choose wisely when it comes to who your going to spend the rest of your life with. Take this ugly memory and turn it into a beautiful learning experience.
My current life basically cept' my dad just goes out somewhere early in the morning and comes home at midnight. x;
I've never been through anything like that, but I can imagin how you're feeling. I don't think she was entirely wrong for trying to make you say have fun living with your new girlfriend. Your dad didn't see that what he was doing was wrong and a big deal. I think your mom felt like he forgot he had two kids, two BIG IMPORTANT responsiblities, so she was just trying to get him to see the error of his ways.
Dude. My dad was a total jackass. He cheated on my mother multiple times.
In college, some chick left a voice mail telling me the name of her mother and how she had been associated with my dad. After talking with my mother, I found out that my dad actually brought this chick's mother to our house, and publicly declared that he loved her, but then later recanted and swore to my mom that he had paid her off to get an abortion (we were pretty well known in our community so you can imagine what this kind of news would do to his image) to cover it up. Apparently, she didn't get the abortion. My mom estimates that my dad cheated 2 or 3 times a week throughout their 15 year marriage with strippers, managers at his restaurants, and prostitutes. Like you, my father did a tremendous amount of traveling for work, so it basically allowed him to run wild.
So. Yeah. He cheated. ALOT.
reading this gave me chills. flashbacks to my childhood. the fighting. the being caught between my parents fighting and as you said having to pick sides. to this day I'm still forced to pick sides. my dad would stay at our cabin all the time and it was nonstop fighting. honestly i think that they were both cheating on each other... i feel your pain
@Randomleighh@xanga - I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you, I'm happy to hear that you learned and grew from it, stayed strong and was able to make sense of who was in the right and wrong. Imo it's disgusting that your Dad tried to turn you against your Mom considering he was the one who cheated on her, good thing you didn't. Props to your Mom for being so brave. I personally haven't gone through this nor would I want to, but I had an ex who was affected by his parent's divorce. He was faithful to me as he hates what his Dad did to his Mom so it sharpened his values of fidelity. However, I have been through this in a way as I was cheated on by my recent ex and it had a drastic effect on my life. I have trust issues and am working to heal myself. I've become stronger and wiser too, which are the positive things I take away from it.