Thursday, 29 September 2011

  • Boundaries of Opposite Sex Friends (A Response)

    I was going to leave a comment on this post but I felt like I had enough to say that I would refrain from comment spam and just write a response blog. I'm one of those strange people who rarely to never experiences jealousy. I believe that jealousy is a product of fear, and when you are no longer afraid... there isn't much reason to feel jealous. I also believe that jealousy is a natural emotion and if you are experiencing it... let yourself experience it. But be honest with yourself about what that jealousy means and how to deal with it.

    The only boundaries I have with opposite sex friends would be don't cheat. Any sort of infidelity, emotional or physical, is the only boundary I have. Anything in front of that is friendship, and I'm not going to judge what is/isn't an appropriate friendship. An emotional infidelity would be if my boyfriend started to talk about his hopes, goals, fears, and decompressed with another person. If I wasn't the first person that he came to, and he felt that he wanted to talk to someone else instead of and before me. A physical infidelity is more obvious - anything physically intimate with another person. A kiss on the cheek or a hug, fine. Necking or fingering? Not really friendship.

    I think it's about balance. What part of your life do your friends occupy and what part of your life does your S/O occupy? If my boyfriend leaned on his friends for the sort of support that I should provide as his partner, I'm going to think that perhaps he's not interested in what a relationship entails. This doesn't mean he can't or shouldn't share these things with his friends (he should- especially so it doesn't all get dumped on me) but within that balance.

    There are a lot of reasons that we get jealous that come and go throughout the day. Your partner looks at someone else longingly, talks about an ex-partner, decides to spend time with another friend of the opposite-sex over you. Maybe even gives someone else more attention than you. Any negative reaction I have in these situations has (tended to be) the reaction that has been expected of me. Also known as: The Script. Boyfriend looks at another girl? Anger! Resentment! But why? He's with me, it wasn't like he stopped talking to me and followed her. A brief glance up, and back to the conversation. 

    When my boyfriend told me he was going to be moving in with someone of the opposite-sex I felt a little uncomfortable. It took me a while to come to terms with why I felt uncomfortable. Most of the feelings came from the fact that he would be living with her in the same apartment that we lived in. Whether or not she was a guy or a girl, I wanted to move past it and not visit him and feel like it was my house. It's also funny because both my boyfriend and I are bi-sexual so regardless of male/female roommate, if those feelings were legitimately about me feeling uncomfortable about X-Possibilities I should feel them equally to male or female roommates. I don't, because they are instilled in that script.

    Lastly, I think of it from my perspective. For instance if he says, "I'm going out drinking with my girl-friends tonight" I might feel a little strange. My boyfriend is going to get drunk with these girls! I feel all these bad things! Then I remember that the previous night I went out with a bunch of my guy-friends and I didn't think anything of it aside from enjoying time spent with people I like to be around.

    These are my experiences and my reactions. I think the point I'm trying to get at though is that we set our partners up for failure by expecting certain things out of them, many of which are unconscious. If a beautiful woman walks by, he's likely going to be distracted. If he has a female friend who he really enjoys spending time with, he's likely going to want to spend lots of time with her. Sometimes it means nothing more or less than that. Sometimes it does. It's up to us to remain logical and choose our partners to be people that we can trust. Whether they're with us, someone of the opposite-sex, or someone of the same sex.

    Communicate with your partner about why certain situations make you jealous and why you think it is that they make you jealous. What is it that really made you upset, and why? How can the two of you compromise in the situation to keep your friendships and your relationship?

    Just some thoughts.

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Comments (14)

  • Hinase@xanga

    As long as you don't let jealously consume you. Too much of anything is bad for you, but I think a little jealously and fear is normal. 
  • lilblucherrygrl@xanga

    I know people that feel tons of jealousy and those who feel little to no jealousy at all. To be honest the people that I know that feel almost never feel it seem to be getting on just fine. They feel other things like envy but that is kind of different. I think jealousy is wanting what you don't have and not doing shit to obtain it. You're just whining about it. Which is why it usually stems from insecurity. Envy however can be felt sometimes and not be completely unhealthy. We will always want certain things or feel threatened by others because of what they have or don't have. But it depends on what you do with those feelings that makes it healthy or unhealthy.
  • anenigmaofsorts@xanga

    I don't really think jealousy should happen in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with someone because I'd rather be with them than anyone else....so there's no reason to be jealous.
  • ccccourage@xanga

    I tend to have a jealous nature.

    A LOT of my male friends over the years have told me that any woman they are good friends with, on some level they'd like to f**k. And based on my experience...they meant it. That doesn't mean that they WILL do that with every female friend, but it's biology that juices get flowing when you are having fun and spending a lot of time with someone.

    I also think that most people really want to know that they can attract the attention of the opposite sex (or same sex if that is how you roll). We flirt, tease, share secrets, etc...and when this goes on long enough between friends, it's not uncommon for things to tumble toward their natural conclusion.

    kudos to you if you are one of those lucky people who never feel jealousy, and kudos to you if you have a man that doesn't want to do the girl next door.
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  • bmillerssailor@xanga

    I'd like to think I have a good balance.

    I don't get jealous for silly reasons. For example, I'm not jealous of any of my friends, others relationships, material items others may have, ect. But that's not to say I'm not a jealous person. I definitely can be but when I feel jealous it's 99.9% of the time for a justified reason and I always make sure that the jealousy I'm feeling doesn't consume me. I don't act on the emotion of jealous. I think about things deeply and decide what the best approach to the situation is, not only based on MY needs but based on the other persons needs.

    I wasn't always like this, though. In relationships before getting with my husband, I was an insanely jealous and suspicious partner. The jealousy I would feel in previous relationships was overwhelming and caused me a lot of stress and worry. It was all due to my own insecurity and a lack of trust in my partner and in general, not feeling comfortable with my relationship. When I met my husband, at first I carried a little bit of that old jealousy but VERY shortly after we became a couple that jealousy melted away. I TRUSTED him, I was COMFORTABLE with him, and I gained more confidence in myself as a result. Now, it takes a whole lot for me to get jealous in our relationship.

    I think it's a combination of how secure you are with yourself and how much you really, truly trust your partner.
  • KickDrumHeart

    I think the difference is that guys are more sex-minded. I don't think about my attraction level or having sex with all of my guy friends, but I'm sure at some point, my boyfriend thought about that with his girl friends. That's fine, because that's how guys are, but it doesn't mean there shouldn't be boundaries. Going out and getting drunk with a group of girls, and NOT bringing your girlfriend... there's something wrong with that. There is no reason a guy should hang out with other girls and not be able to bring his girlfriend along. To me, my female friendships are a lot more valuable, because I can do things with them and tell them things that I can't do with or talk with my boyfriend (because he doesn't want to shop or gossip or talk about everyone's relationship). However, the moment I have a boyfriend, he should be the #1 guy in my life. I shouldn't have guy friends that I need to hang out with without him. 
  • HollowTendencies@xanga

    I was hardly ever jealous. But now, I'm jealous as fuck, more like insecure I guess you would say, and it's his damn fault. UGH fml
  • xjadersx@xanga

    It all depends on the individuals. Some people don't get the fact that boys and girls can be just friends because they don't see the opposite sex like that. I've had many guy friends. In the past I was basically the only girl in the group. I don't know, I really don't care if my boyfriend hangs out with girls as long as it is innocent hanging out. 
  • Carefullove@xanga

    I used to be insanely jealous and insecure, but that's because my ex used to have casual sex with his friends, and he was my first and I wanted him to myself. Now, if my boyfriend wants to fuck someone else, he'll tell me beforehand. Hes only had sex with me, so its naive of me to think he wont want to have sex with people other than me. We've talked about it, and he would never put another girl over me. We've also talked about having a threesome with another woman so I wouldnt be so jealous, but personally Id just rather him have her. lol
  • ThaPlatinumOne@xanga

    I'm not jealous but some shit is just inappropriate.  There HAS to be boundaries in a relationship.  Perfect example, yesterday, I had one of those copy/paste statuses on FB something to the effect of "inbox me the color that corresponds to your feelings about me, single or not."  Now, I didn't even think anyone would respond, but a guy friend of 6 years put as a comment "Fuck it, I don't care who sees" and posted a few colors.  Now, HE meant it as a joke, however, the rest of his response implied that he wanted a relationship with me and that he wanted a sexual relationship with me.  My boyfriend got mad and basically told him to back off and watch what he says.  My boyfriend's sister told him to ignore my friend because he was just being childish.  My friend didn't understand why they were getting so mad, but I explained to him that he KNEW we were in a relationship, and to say something like that, even as a joke, is disrespectful.  It wasn't about jealousy, fear, or feeling threatened by someone else - it was about RESPECT.  I also told my friend that as long as we have known each other, if he doesn't learn to respect my relationship with my boyfriend, I can't be friends with him. 


    I had a talk with my boyfriend about his gal pal who called him at one in the morning because she had an issue with HER boyfriend and wanted advice I mean, I don't mind female friends calling him, but at one in the morning?  No.  Every relationship should have CLEAR boundaries, and they should be talked about BEFORE the relationship.  That's why so many relationships suffer from jealousy and insecurities - because what is harmless to one person might not be to their partner.
  • lforletty@xanga

    I felt 0 jealousy about my ex's female friends when I was with him, he had my 100% trust. I was never insecure about that, there was one friend I disliked 'cause she always tried to mess with me despite me being nice to her, I never understood the point of her actions 'cause she had a bf@_@'' like did you like my ex at the time or some crap?! You didn't like the fact that he had a gf so there's a girl closer to him than you? Bull. Though my ex ended up hiding so much crap from me and I shouldn't have let my guard down around him, in some ways I don't regret it, it's less worse to have all that trust shattered than to live my life as those psycho insecure gfs that I hate.
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  • T0m03@xanga

    Well said. :)

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