Nearly all parties claim to have strong opposition to the idea of ever cheating on their partner and find the notion that they may one day cheat ridiculous (or at least they claim to). Yet it seems that roughly 50% of men and women wind up cheating at some point.
It seems that promiscuity is deeply tied into our genes and that the whole monogamy thing is an uphill battle for most.
The one thing that bothers me the most though is the conflict of interest most parties have. It seems the majority of both men and women place extremely rigid boundaries on their partners sexuality. Few things are more upsetting and devastating than finding out of a partner's unfaithfulness. For the vast majority it is a 10/10 blow that is close to impossible to forgive.
Yet the boundaries placed on themselves is much less rigid (probably due to thinking they can trust themselves not to cheat),
if the individual were to cheat they might perhaps feel guilty but the discomfort from guilt greatly dwarfs the pain felt if the other partner had cheated. Basically, it is much less likely for someone to stay awake at nights wondering if they are going to stray than to stay up wondering if their partner will.
When most cheat themselves, they do not feel obliged to confess to their partner or to terminate the relationship in the same manner as they would if they found out if their partner was unfaithful. There is a policy of "as long as nobody knows then nobody can care" when they themselves are in the guilty party. However, a policy of "don't ask, don't tell" in regards to their partner's fidelity is very rarely tolerated.
Why are many people so hypocritical about this? I think if most people could have their own way (emotionally speaking), their partner would remain strictly faithful but they themselves would be allowed to prowl when the desire or opportunity arises. I find it disappointing that people have evolved in a way where monogamy is demanded from their partners but promiscuity is their own desire.
It seems an individual's logical side wants to be monogamous while their emotional side wants to be promiscuous. When a person cheats, the infidelity is usually caused by emotional/physical urges and then justified by logical ones to justify the behavior (partner is emotionally absent, not enough sex, carried away in the moment, etc...) Faithfulness is a powerful conflict of interest that is innate in people.
This is an issue that is quite often buried in the closet unfortunately, since most people like to believe the notion that their partner immediately loses all attraction to others once they bond.
What do you think?
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Comments (29)
The only thing I have to add to this is: "Sex At Dawn" by Christopher Ryan
Also-- and that my lover and I fully acknowledge this problem and behave appropriately--by being open. It strengthens our relationship, keeps us sane, adds for some friendly competition between us and each other's various partners, and some friendly competition between the two of us on who can reel in the most. It keeps our sex life very fun and friendly, and ultimately light-hearted. Infidelity is an impossibility between us.
i'd like to think that i wouldn't cheat, but there have been plenty of times that i look back on and wonder what actually stopped me from cheating. i am often caught up in the moment, and don't realize that my words/actions could be construed as unfaithful until after the fact =\
I love my boyfriend to death, and we're monogamous. That isn't to say that he can't look, or anything, his eyes aren't broken: but sex, kissing, etc is off the table. He wouldn't want me to flirt with other men, so he doesn't flirt with other women. Everybody that we meet instantly knows we're in a healthy, happy relationship and that's the way it's staying. When it comes to sex, we're very open and sexual with one another, and that might help keep our relationship strong. I very rarely turn down sex, and more often ask for it. We've been together for 3 years and been friends for a few years longer than that, and we've lived together for 2 out of those 3 years, so day-to-day living and commitment is a basic for us, and the attraction has only really grown over time. I don't think that monogamy is an uphill battle for everyone...because it certainly isn't with us. I think that in the RIGHT relationship, it comes easy, and that a lot of people aren't in a relationship with the healthy state of mind to keep both parties mutually sexually interested. Not that monogamy is the only way! I've seen a lot of happy open couples.
I'm glad I don't have to deal with cheating, though.
I actually do mean it when I say I would never cheat. I am very morally against cheating and anything except monogamy. I've never been tempted to cheat I love my man and above all, I respect him. I would never betray him by being unfaithful.
Why is it so difficult for some people to accept that there are others who would never consider cheating on their significant other? Maybe it sounds sanctimonious, but some of us have definite boundaries and can discern what is or is not acceptable to help guide our behavior. How is that so hard to understand?
agreed. no one admits it but there is truth to this. i know at one point in my relationship life, i was very adamnt about being my guys one and only. i was even jealous of mandy moore! lol. but there was me... oogling every sexy actoe and being attracted to other guys. i felt it was innocent enough, just crushes. yet i expected my guy to like no one but me. ridiculous! live and learn right? we are all going to be attracted to other people, inevitable! =) long as we dont act.
@raedium@xanga - I agree @heart_leigh@xanga - with both of you.
Some of us don't have urges. For some of us, it's NOT hard to be faithful. If it was hard for me to be faithful, then I wouldn't form a relationship- I'd just be single my whole life. I've never wanted my partner to be faithful while I thought about snooping around.
The fact that our society is starting to use science and genes as an excuse is just upsetting. I agree monogamous relationships are NOT for everyone. And if that's the case for you, then just stay away from relationships with people who want to be monogamous.
It's really simple. Find someone with the same values as you. If you know you're going to cheat- do yourself and your S.O. a favor, and end the relationship.
Regardless of temptation from attraction, some people have standards and believe in loyalty...some don't. Some people are considerate...some are selfish. Everybody wants everyone else to follow the "golden rule"...but do they can they or will they follow it themselves?
@Randomleighh@xanga - @heart_leigh@xanga - @x_colormepretty_x@xanga - Maybe some people use science to justify behaviors but that is not the goal or intentions of science by any means. Science seeks understanding of why things are the way they are. Not justification for actions. If we know why things are the way they are, we can certainly learn to improve them.
This was by no means saying that all people are destined to cheat and people can't participate in a monogamous relationship. I would never cheat but denying any attraction to others is quite ridiculous if you have normal hormonal urges. We all have emotional/physical desires and logical desires.
We don't have to act on our emotional/physical desires though, for example think of road rage... our emotional response might be to harm someone who cuts us off but we can surely reason our way logically to realize it's not right. Same thing goes with attraction to others, I think the good majority of people who totally deny attractions to others are purposefully fooling themselves due to self interest.
If you ever have a relationship with someone whom has a sexual drive that is at least normal, there is an extreme probability that he is lying to you about not being attracted to others in order to make you feel comfortable. I don't like to live in denial, and I think keeping emotions/desires closeted can have them build up and increase the likelihood that someone does something regrettable. For instance, if the person is open with their desires, they can avoid temptatious situations rather than ignore their desires and put themselves in such situations (maybe a drinking party with people of the opposite sex?) thinking nothing will happen because they deny their true attractions (just an example, not saying it applies for all people).
@raedium@xanga - I agree with most of what you said and that was kind of what my point was in my post. The only thing about it being an uphill battle for most was because most statistics suggest that at least a majority of people will end up straying at least once in their lifetime or their partner will.
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@Nominatim@xanga - I still think other guys are attractive- and I know he looks at other girls- but what I'm saying is I don't have urges to sleep with them. I really don't. We are all human, we are going to look at others- I understand that. What I was getting at is- I don't fall under the category of wanting to "have my cake and eat it too"
I don't think about my SO being faithful while I'm promiscuous. I'm not against science, I'm not a religious person - I just have certain morals. And if someone told me they cheated on my because of their genes...pshhhh byeeeee!!!!
I feel as though people don't RESPECT the meaning of being in a relationships anymore. Don't get into one if you don't have self-control. If you have that strong of "urges" and put yourself into many "temptatious situations" where you feel you might give-in - then it's simple- you're not ready for a relationship. Which is fine.
Monogomy is not for everyone. And no, you should NOT bottle things up. Communicate with your partner. But also HAVE RESPECT for your partner.
You said "most people" up there, not ALL people. So I understand and I respect your opinion. I'm just showing that I don't fit into the category "most people" :)
I don't do comitment.
I met a guy who doesn't do love.
And togetther we are quite the pair.
We go on dates. I'm the only girl who sleeps at his place. He is the only person in the world who knows all my secrets, who I call durring attacks.I bleive in him and he believes in me.
And its okay that I sleep around, since we aren't together.And when he does the same I'm alright with it until it gets to the point where his refusal to just say that he cares makes me upset. But we are who we are.
@Randomleighh@xanga - Totally agreed. i always ask my bf if he thinks a girl is beautiful that i spotted and find gorgeous. He always says no which makes me mad especially when i see that he saw her too before i said anything. I don't get it why he needs to lie. to "protect my feelings"? I can live with the fact that he has eyes and sees beauty too. I'm not blind either to beauty. Just don't have the urge to cheat.
@Nominatim@xanga - I never said I'm not attracted to others, or that I would expect my bf to only be attracted to me. Being attracted to someone does NOT equal cheating. Being in a monogamous relationship does not suddenly turn someone blind. So while I get your point, I don't think you get mine. Just because I would never cheat does not mean I'm not attracted to other people.
This is such a great post, been waiting for someone to write this. I can tell you that I was 100% faithful to both my exes though, I'm still "faithful" to my recent one even if we're not together anymore 'cause I still really love him so I haven't even tried to look for anyone after all this time. I'm very much a monogamist to the guy I love.
@Nominatim@xanga - I don't think anyone would deny that the human's capacity for attraction does not flucuate in the least, in itself, within a committed relationship. However, you seem to deny the power of self-control in foregoing satisfying lesser desires for the sake of a future, greater desire--in this case, a happy and stable marriage.
Men and women are capable of seeing that, while those donuts over there certainly look tasty, it would be nonsense to eat every tasty donut, and it would even be harmful. If the desire is to have something tasty, but with the best end result (in this case, sex, but within a committed, lifelong relationship) he will give up all the other tasty donuts for the sake of the chocolate cake he's chosen to eat now, and then eat healthily/be self-controlled later on to balance his diet.
Obviously, sex is not the same as eating a balanced diet, and the analogy falls apart somewhere. But self-control is the key here. Who is happier--the man who can have all the sex he could possibly want with multiple partners, or the man who can have all the sex he wants with just one whom he loves? Experience and obversation tell me the latter man, in the end, is both more stable and happier, even though he will not gorge himself on all the desserts that look appealing. He has a finer, future goal in mind other than his immediate appetites. Appetites, as Plato might say, are unavoidable--but only the weak man is ruled by them over his ability to reason.
I have no problem being faithful. I don't look at men sexually anymore. They're just people to me. I have no desire to do anything with anyone but my husband.
I would never be anything but faithful to my man. I love and respect him with everything I have and I would never do anything to jeopardize that. I wouldn't want him with another woman, so why would I go off and be with another man? I acknowledge that other men are attractive, but I don't think of them sexually and I'm always comparing them to my own, and they just don't compare. I don't understand why being in a committed relationship is so hard for some people. If you don't want one, stay single. Simple as that.
I'm sorry it offends you so much, but human evolution (as all other types) was not a discriminatory process. The people who were least selfish (with a few exceptions) died off most of the time, because they were least likely to ensure as many generations succeeding them as possible. Those individuals who were able to reproduce most with the most attractive/healthy people while retaining the best resources (i.e. rich husband) available to raise their children in did the best, because they had a lot of babies, and a lot of those babies survived and of superior quality.
A man who chooses out of his own free will to stay with one woman his entire life is probably going to have much fewer babies than a man who indiscriminately sleeps around constantly and doesn't care enough to not use protection(obviously more of a problem before the invention of birth control- and still is where it's not widely used).
A female who can get a faithful man who only cares for her and their children will have the benefit of a good provider. If he's not very attractive, a female will tend to be tempted to stray from him while she's ovulating (the time at which she can get pregnant) and reproduce with a more desirable man, while passing off the child as her main man's, so that she will get the best of both worlds: a good father figure/provider, the best offspring in terms of quality/health.
This is still a problem. It will not become resolved until eugenics or some other natural force that I can't imagine is implemented in favor of monogamous people. I have heard that monogamous-minded people are becoming more 'prevalent', statistically speaking. I suppose large societies where family is emphasized might contribute some societal pressure, but I can't see it having a large-scale effect, intrinsically speaking, on human temptations of sexuality.
@GreenTeaReverie@xanga - As for self control, I certainly think some are better than others. I do however, think many people put way too much faith in themselves that they put themselves in temptatious situations without worry. Like spending a lot of alone time with someone of the opposite sex whom may have interest in you perhaps (Extremely few people would tolerate there significant other behaving in such a way). My main point of this post was not denying the power of self control but the hypocrisy people have in this situation.
I think I have great self control and never said that I lacked it (I get the feeling reading a lot of comments on here people think that I'm implying I have no control over my desires and will inevitably succumb to cheating as will all other people). I've had desires but I never had any intentions of doing anything or putting myself in situations that I wouldn't want my girlfriend to be in for the most part. I think a lot of people behave like they are not attracted to any other people aside from their significant other just like many believed that women had no sex drive whatsoever in the Victorian Era. It was just taboo to think otherwise and no one wanted to know the truth because they didn't want to believe it.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - It doesn't offend me terribly, I don't like it but I just learn to accept it as the way it is. We have the rational side to not follow our instinctual desires which I think is terrific that we don't have to live a feral life. By the way even if the man is attractive the woman will still have the desire to stray, she will want her children's genetic pool to be diversified for optimal health (as in warding off disease from a more diverse immune group in her offspring).
I know a good deal of evolutionary biology and think it offers the best reasoning for why we are the way we are. The main reasons I think people subscribe to monogamy are cultural, financial/providing, and jealous reasons. I think I've read before that societies with extreme wealth gaps (very few control nearly all resources), the societies tend to be polygamous. By the way good post, thanks for the insight.
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I cheated on someone several years ago and although I am no longer with them (because I told them of my infidelity) I still torment myself to this day over it.