Monday, 26 September 2011
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Boundaries of Opposite-Sex Friends?
This post was submitted anonymously.I understand that when you enter into a relationship, there are some boundaries in terms of how to act towards friends of the opposite sex after that. I haven't had any trouble with this since I've been with my boyfriend, mainly because I don't have any close male friends. But I know my boundaries when the occasion calls for it. I think he has some trouble.
Recently he has been talking to one of his female friends a lot. Normally this doesn't bother me, honestly, I want him to have female friends, I don't believe in forbidding him to interact with girls like some whacko girlfriends tend to do. Only, it just seems like he's talking to her way too much. Like, every day almost. And late at night. I usually fall asleep around 12 or 1 at night when we talk, sometimes later, but he stays up and talks to her late.
I know this because he doesn't actually seem that secretive about it, he's checked his Facebook messages from her in front of me and I saw the last messages were from late the night before. I just think it's a little weird that he feels the need to talk to her every day. If it was a long-time friend that he's known for years, I might understand. But three, four months ago, he'd hardly spoken to her at all. Now they've suddenly got nicknames and inside jokes for each other?
He knows I'm jealous, I've told him and he just says that I have nothing to worry about (he didn't by any means dismiss my jealousy, he actually said it made him want to be with me more because it meant I really did love him and didn't want to lose him), but he hasn't done anything to ease my jealousy. I really feel like he doesn't realize that there are certain boundaries you have when you're in a relationship, and I feel like he's crossing them a bit with this friendship.Another thing that niggles me, but not as much, is he comments on almost all of her Facebook statuses and likes most of her profile pictures. Again, wouldn't bother me if he'd known her for ages, but he doesn't even comment on my statuses or like my profile pictures. It makes me uncomfortable, and I hate to say it, but extremely jealous, at how close they have become. I want to say something to him about it, without coming across as a controlling bitch.Have you ever been in a situation like this? How did you deal with it? How did your SO react to your jealousy? Do you have any boundaries in your relationship that concern friendship with the opposite sex?
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Comments (68)
Yeah I would draw the line. Though I am quite the green eyed monster when it comes to my SO and female friends. He understands this and never crosses out of my comfort zone. Definitely let him know that it's making you this uncomfortable. Communication is key.
You seem a bit childish when you say that your boyfriend never likes or comments on your facebook statuses. So what if he doesn't?
However, it is odd that he does pay more attention to her.But as long as he's not having sex with her or any other actions that would be considered sexual you've got nothing to worry about.However, if you've told him that you are jealous, he should respect that and lay off a bit.Your decision on what to do. breaking up over that would seem stupid, but I've ended dates because the girl sneezed in my face. no joke. You don't do that. Ever.aaaaah ive been there .. and to tell u the truth it does hurt .. just a heads up .. be careful of the girl .. he might think it's harmless but just keep an eye out
Here's a little food for thought, why would he possibly be spending more time with her? Does she make insecure accusations? Does she unleash her jealous rage? Or does she make him laugh and comfort him? In other words, the more insecure and immature you act, which you are right now, the more he is going to talk and see her. Why? Because he's going to enjoy being with you less and less until finally you've created a self fulfilling prophecy and pushed him into the arms of this woman. Nice job.
Here's a tip, GET OVER YOURSELF! Are they openly flirting? Are they intimately touching each other? Sexting? No? Then your the one who is in the wrong here. I have good female friends I've only known for a year, I like and comment on most of their statuses, why? Because they're damn funny! Furthermore, friends are allowed to have inside jokes.
Try to relax, breathe, and remain calm. Then act like your old self, the one that was attractive and interesting to him in the first place. Also go see a therapist while your at it because you clearly have some self esteem and confidence issues that need to be worked out. If they aren't, well don't be surprised if your boyfriend dumps you for someone more secure; and he'll be justified in doing so.
I hate to break it to you but if he's contacting her that much like that...10 bucks says that if/when you two break up he'll start dating her. Usually happens. Sure the facebook thing seems petty, but hey that would annoy me too if I had a bf who commented on some other girl's page all the time but never bothered to write on mine at all. I'd think something's up.
They say there isn't anything going on now then wham bam a while later they're together.
Have you asked him if he thought it'd be okay if you had a guy friend and you start talking to HIM as much as your bf talks to HIS friend?
I can see this might seem petty, insecure and jealous, but why the hell would HE want to keep making you jealous after you've said you are? If my fiance did nothing to acknowledge that I'm not HAPPY nor comfortable about him talking to a girl (I don't care if they're talking platonic, can't they talk during the day like normal FRIENDS do?) late at night, constantly chatting her up, as if they're psychically linked on the same wave length. After three or four months of knowing her, all of the sudden they are inseparable, shouldn't YOU be like that with HIM rather than he does that with a girl?
And I don't care what all the other comments have said about you being "insecure and unleashing your jealous rage". What can they possibly be talking about every night, during the day via facebook status updates and etc? How do they talk to each other? Are they flirtatiously joking with petnames and what not? Do guys and girls that are JUST friends make pet names for each other? I don't. I only do that with my fiance. I have never made a pet name for a buddy and talked to him late at night because whether or not my fiance would be jealous, that's just disrespectful. He's MAKING reasons for you to be suspicious and jealous, yet he does NOTHING to make it better for you.
Have a talk with him. Reverse the situation, in a calm manner (DO NOT GET ANGRY) and explain to him how the situatioN SEEM to you and how comfortable he would be if you were doing what he's doing to you. Does that seem respectful? Is he making you feel safe and comfortable or anxious and insecure by continuing to act this way?
DRAW the line. BLACK, BOLD and UNDERLINE it a few times. You're not saying DONT have any friends that are females. Just learn to curve that sort of behavior when he has a girlfriend. If his friend had a boyfriend, HE wouldn't want HER talking to your bf late at night either.
1. you're overreacting.
2. he's being a dick by not respecting your feelings.
both of the above are equally true, adn you need to figure out how to deal with it.
my boyfriend has best female friend who he talks to as much as/more than he talks to me. but he and i have discussed it, so he knows what i'm comfortable with regarding topics of conversation, and i respect the fact that he can be freinds with whoever he wants to.
you need to set boundaries for both your own behavior as well as his, and if either of you go over them, you need to SERIOUSLY reconsider your relationship
@SlackerSociety@xanga - I would say even without any "sexual actions", she DOES have something to worry about: emotional cheating. If he is becoming super close with this girl, he could unwittingly emotionally cheat with her.
@dynamicstars@xanga - I totally agree!
I don't think you're necessarily jealous. Some shit is just inappropriate. Period. You have already told him how you feel about the situation so he should respect you and your feelings enough to change the situation. If his friend doesn't like it, she needs to know her place. On the other hand, you need to also address the fact that you have already spoken to him about it and he is ignoring it.
Personally, my best guy friend and I are close. We talk a lot. We have known eachother for ten years, too, though. Unlike your boyfriend and his new friend. Personally, after a certain time at night, I don't talk to anyone. I don't want to even invite a trust issue no matter what it is. My boyfriend and I have had this issue before, but we are working on it. It's all about YOUR communication with him. A lot of women tend to just hold in their irritations and it ends up blowing up in their face. Just talk to him. A relationship requires patience, communication and trust.
Personally, I would suggest you to bring it up to him again at a neutral time using "I feel" statements in an non-accusatory tone. For example, "I feel like you are not considering or respecting my feelings when I have already told you how I felt about you talking to your female friend more than necessarily. I understand that you two are friends and I have no problem with you two talking occasionally, but I feel that you two should take it down a notch." Somewhere along those lines. If he make changes to meet your need, great. If not, you'll have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you or not.
I don't agree with some of the comments above me. I don't think you are childish, overreacting, or need to get over yourself. The 'therapy' comment was the funniest one. You have a reason to be jealous, insecure, and possibly suspicious. I understand that they're friends and they talk, but there's an appropriate time to do so. They don't need to talk to each other every day or every night. More than so, he should be doing that to you. I would feel the same way if my husband was doing the same to a female friend of his, but most of our friends are mutual and we both know our boundaries. They are doing something that you are not comfortable with and I feel that if you are not happy with that, both of you should compromise and meet in the middle.
If the situation was reversed, I guarantee you, he wouldn't like it either. Just because 'some' people are okay and comfortable with it does not mean everyone is because everyone is different.
If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be with you. Chill. Out.
Girl, your doubts are completely valid. There is such a thing as emotional promiscuity. He is investing in her by spending so much time with her. That is not right if he's supposed to be in a committed relationship with you. My advice would be to speak to him calmly and out of love and be vulnerable with him. Tell him how much it hurts you. If you show him your vulnerability and he doesn't come through for you, then I'd say you should examine the relationship further.
If you really trust him, there shouldn't be a "limit" as to how much or how little he talks to her. I completely understand how you feel, but what if they're really just hitting it off as good friends? Just because he gets close to a girl he just met, it doesn't always mean he likes her or she likes him.. some people are just compatible as friends.
My boyfriend had a girl friend who always visited him at work (a gas station) completely dressed up in club gear with no where to go.. and if that wasn't bad enough, she would come with a batch of fucking home-made cookies. I wanted to punch her in the vagina, but I didn't.. lol. After her being there every single fucking day, dressed very promiscuously, I drew the line and made them stop talking.. and you know what? It didn't make me feel any better because I made him lose a good friend for my own benefit. and in the end, he was still with me. Even though she dressed nice for him, baked him cookies, and probably made him laugh more than I did.. he chose me over her. Maybe she liked him, maybe she didn't.. but he was happy around her. She didn't make him happy the way I did, but she made him a different kind of happy (not horny happy, but a friendly happy. lol) and I realized that if I really loved him, I should've trusted him and should've been happy that he had a friend that made him happy too. In the end, if he did end up cheating on me with her.. I'd be glad that it happened, cause if not her.. then it would've been with some other girl.... it would've eventually happened anyway. So, why not just let them be whoever the hell they want to be?
He's not your property nor completely yours for you to tell him who he can and can't talk to or how much or how little he can talk to someone. If you don't like it/can't handle it.. you shouldn't be in that relationship or any relationship at all. If you're afraid of him cheating or catching feelings, what's it gonna do for you if you try to prevent it? If not her, then maybe some other girl? Only when you let him be himself will you really know how much he loves you. If you feel that he doesn't really love you because he doesn't give you as much attention, then be straight up with him and tell him you want more attention too.. don't take away anything from him. It's like someone telling you not to be who you really want to be. He'll just end up resenting you in the end.
Ditch him, his mind is elsewhere.
I can see how this bothers you... it would bother me too. I don't think that you need to worry, because he's honest about it with you and isn't trying to hide anything. However, he needs to respect your feelings. He should put more effort into his relationship with you than his relationship with her, and if that means talking to her less, so be it. I talk to one of my guy friends almost every day because we both have office jobs and can get on Facebook, but I would much rather be talking to my boyfriend. My boyfriend comes first, over ANY of my guy friends. I think that is the difference between same sex and opposite sex friends. My girls friends may sometimes come before my boyfriend, but my boyfriend is should be #1 out of the guys. He should treat you the same way in regards to his female friends.
Alright, let's throw this out there - I am not a jealous person. I've been in various long-term relationships, and at all times have been told I'm almost too allowing in how much space I give my guys. In my eyes, if you're gonna seriously wander then what's the point in holding you back?
So here's a word to the wise - guys don't become friends with girls to be friendly with girls. We females like to think that, but I've had it honestly said by almost every guy I've met that it's true. So there's that to think about.
Additionally, I have my own experience. I dated a guy for two years, moved in with him, had already been promised marriage, that whole shebang. I had a friend of mine (girl) who I'd known for just as long. We hung out several times a week, in groups of 3-3+ throughout those two years, so I *knew* there was no reason to be jealous. Actually, my boyfriend didn't even like my best friend - he thought she was annoying. Until our relationship hit the 1 1/2 year mark. Suddenly, they were best pals. I thought nothing of it - heck, I was glad. About time they became friends. They texted, Facebook-ed, all that good friend stuff. Then he started hanging out with her alone.
I expressed my concern - I got the same exact reaction that you do, if not more comforting. I would feel better. He's was obviously being honest and telling me the truth about the situation. And then I would feel worse again, after another month of texts and Facebooks and private hanging-out sessions.
One day, I finally woke up and broke down. I rolled over, woke him up, and told him I couldn't do this and we needed a break. Only then did he finally say, "I really like your best friend and I want to give it a try." Ouch. What happened to us telling each other the truth for 2 years?
Men want to spare your feelings by not telling you. Of course he has feelings for his new friend. BUT! It all depends on what he does with it. If he is more in it for himself, he'll choose her. If he's in it for you, he'll choose you. Until you give him that decision, though, he's not going to let you know that's he considering the same decision (whether he is or not). He's wants to be a good boyfriend. Nobody ever goes into a relationship wanting to be the bad guy.
Let him know. REALLY let him know. He won't express his true feelings until you let him know that you're not going to personally murder him if he has feelings for another woman. He has to know that it's ok to let you know if he wants to stray. You're both people - let him know he has the opportunity to change his mind/make mistakes. But also let him know that you love him. Feel free to give the girl a run for her money - let him know, daily, that you love him just as much (in fact, much more) then this new girl could. Remind him that you're just as awesome! And then give him the freedom to decide.
If you've told him you feel uncomfortable and he does NOTHING to try to make you feel better about it, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
Telling someone calmly that you don't like certain things they do is NOT being controlling and insecure. Throwing a fit if he so much looks at another woman is being controlling and insecure.
A lot of women, particularly those who are younger than about 25 or so, seem to think that showing ANY discomfort at your SO's behavior makes you an insecure crazy girl. In a healthy relationship, both people should be able to share their feelings about what's bothering them and feel heard. And if you care about each other, you will try to reach a resolution, not instantly throw the i word at the other person.
We have intuition for a reason. But we're always being told, in one way or another, that we're not supposed to listen to it. If something feels fishy and you don't have a history of freaking out over miniscule issues, then it probably is fishy.
He might not be technically cheating on you, but he definitely has a thing for this girl. That must be uncomfortable. Honestly, I would dump him. It sounds like he's got way more chemistry and interest in her than with you. Who needs that? Go find somebody who wants to talk to you last thing at night, and is your best friend, not some other girls.
There doesn't have to be hard feelings... sometimes it's just not the right person, and it's best to deal with it sooner than later.
I don't know how your S.O. feels, but the minute a girl tries to tie me down from my friends, I walk away and don't look back. Your S.O. will probably feel resentful if yoo are lyk **Hey, stop talking to this chick.** What about just planning more fun, spontaneous, and/or romantic things to do together? If he's really just friends with her, its prolly better to just spend more time with him. If he really is cheating, I think you will begin to get a deeper kind of sick, worrying feeling--at least that's how it felt the one time it happened to me four or so years ago. As for personal experience, my best friend is a girl: we shower together, sleep in the same bed when we're drunk, and go dancing together--and my girlfriend of three years has never had a problem with it. Why? Because my best friend is like my sister. And I really, really wouldn't want to fuck my sister.
At least he doesn't talk to her in secret. The fact that he openly checks the messages means he has nothing to hide.
I'm sorry, guys and girls can't be friends. I didn't want to be the crazy girl who forbids her man to talk to other girls either, but I got fooled like a motherfucker. He openly talked to girls and it NEVER seemed like he was hiding anything, so I didn't worry about it. I even read messages on his phone to other girls that were completely harmless. I later found out he was sexting about three girls, ONLY BECAUSE HE TOLD ME. YEAH, I'm just telling you now, some people may comment on here and say that you have nothing to worry about, but HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW? Only God knows, and I wish you luck. Maybe it's nothing, but NEVER fully believe that it's nothing, because that's when they get you, that's when you're screwed. I trusted him, and I would have NEVER KNOWN about this if he hadn't told me. Listen, life isn't all rainbows and sunshine, PEOPLE ARE FUCKING MANIPULATIVE. And they can seem as innocent as a baby bunny, but inside they're riddled with evilness. I'm not saying you should forbid your boyfriend from talking to girls, that may push him away, I'm just saying, DON'T BE NAIVE.
@jeshieee@xanga - OH, I guarantee you she made him horny happy. lol
@Fairawen - I'm seriously trying to recommend your comment right now, but it's not letting me. Stupid Xanga. :(
Relationships aren't just about romance and sex - they are about friendship. Or, at least, they should be. If my husband was talking to another women more than me, or if he seemed more interested in her life than mine (hence the Facebook comments on her stuff and not yours), I would have a major problem. I trust my husband not to cheat so I wouldn't be so jealous in the "he's-banging-her" kind of way but I would be jealous in the "I-thought-WE-were-BFFs" kind of way
My husband and I are best friends. We have nicknames, insides jokes, and we tell each other everything. Seriously. I know some people think you never tell your significant others EVERYTHING but we literally do. So I would be offended if I got put on the back burner for some other chick as not only a wife but as a FRIEND.
I would confront him about it again. I would tell him that you trust him and don't believe anything indecent is going on between them but that you can't help but be a little jealous by the interest he is showing her as a friend. Let him know that you'd love to have some of that time, too. I believe there is a boundary being crossed here and it would not sit well with me.