Monday, 26 September 2011
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Have You Ever Wanted to Beat the Piss Out of Your SO's Ex? I Have
I was recently talking to one of my friends about her relationship. She has problems with one of her b/f's friends that is a girl. She was telling me how the girl jumps on him and wraps her legs around him, kisses him on the cheek, grabs on him, and makes bitchy comments to my friend when her b/f is not around. I asked her, "well have you told him all this?" She said she had but that he didn't see it. This girl also had a sexual history with her b/f.
I told her well you've got to make a choice... (a) You confront him again and tell him you're not comfortable with him hanging out with her and if he continues to do it then he might loose you. (b) Pull the girl aside privately and let her know you don't appreciate the way she acts and she needs to be more respectful of your relationship. (c) Just deal with it.
I also told her I would be happy to put the girl in place for her. But my friend is obsessed with getting married so I think for right now she's just going to see what happens.
Anyways that made me think of my relationship now marriage. My husband and I went through a particularly hard patch concerning his ex girlfriend "Debbie." My b/f's cousin had a thing for her and he began inviting her to hang with us. She acted like she was my friend, but I knew she had ulterior motives. She would outright flirt with my b/f right in front of me. Of course, he didn't see it like that. To him, she had "changed" from when they had dated. I call BULLSHIT!
What it boiled down to...she told one of our mutual friends she was hooking up with him in my car behind my back. Who she thought was her friend quickly came over to tell me what this girl had said. I, being 7 months preggo, completely lost it. I called my b/f and told him what I had heard. He not only denied it but then said, "Your friend is lying. Debbie would never make up a story like that." Debbie even called me to say it wasn't true and that our friend had gotten the story mixed up. It had nothing to do with me. But I had had enough. I took my engagement ring off and gave it back. I told him he couldn't have both of us, and if he couldn't make a choice, I would make it for him.
He didn't take me seriously. He thought I was just mad and would get over it until one of his best friends sat him down and said, "Look, man, she's not wearing her ring anymore. If you don't stop hanging out with Debbie you're going to lose her. Is that what you want?" He said nothing was going on with Debbie but that he didn't want to lose me. He ended up ditching being friends with his ex.
Years later she started messaging me saying that they had hooked up and he named our child a name they had picked out to remind him of what he wished he could have, etc. When I showed him this he was amazed. He really had thought she had changed...Now can we say idiot? (oh and I had named our son, not my b/f and when we first got together he had told me names him and his ex had picked out if they ever had kids and our son's name was not one of them.)
But because of this chic and the drama she caused I don't want my husband to have friends that are girls. And it wasn't just her. Every female friend I met of his seemed to be determined to get him to cheat on me or had a reason we shouldn't be together. Was I that awful of a g/f? He basically had to stop having friends that were girls. I never wanted to be the g/f that said who her husband could and couldn't be friends with, but I wasn't willing to deal with the drama. If he couldn't tell what girls were bad apples that he couldn't go trying to pick them.
And I know you might ask...how do you know Debbie was lying and your husband just isn't a douche? Let's just say Debbie is known for doing anything to try to keep a guy...when she found out we were dating, even though they had been broken up for a few months, she tried telling him she was pregnant with his kid. When he told her I was okay with it (which I knew she was lying and just trying to break us up)...she quickly said she had a miscarriage.
Then when her next relationship ended she made up another story that she was pregnant with that guy's kid when she wasn't. So she's known for pushing the truth to try to get her way...but what I want to ask her is, "If he doesn't love you enough to stay with you, why would you want to try to trap him? Having a baby won't make him love you...and really it probably won't make him stay either.
To the point...everything is fine now, but we had to go through hell first. I don't want that for my friend. I told her if she tries to ignore that this chick makes her upset the problem will only get worse. I know she wants to get married, but that doesn't mean you should do that with anyone who is willing. Oh well, we all have to learn from our mistakes, but it all makes me think.
Am I being too demanding by not wanting him to have chick friends? Where do you draw the line? Has something like this happened to you?
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About the Author
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- From: lemons_to_lemonade@xanga
- Name: lemons_to_lemonade
- Location: New Orleans, Louisiana, United States
- About Me: I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I'm usually for the most part pretty honest. If you want to know something then ask, but don't get mad if you don't like the answer. Life is too short to go through it unhappy, and if you figure out how to do that please let me know. I'm sarcastic and sometimes upfront and rude, but every question deserves an answer. I'm tired of giving people what they want. I'm constantly searching for an answer when I'm not even quite sure what the question is. I firmly believe that if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And I don't think I should be the one to have to change to make someone else happy. This is me, take it or leave it.
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Comments (25)
That girl is unbelievable fucking stupid. LMAO at dumb asses like her who think guys will stay just because he has his kid.
Yeah, I've wanted to bash one of my S.O.'s exes.
She would send him flirty messages even though she's married to someone else and has a kid with someone else. Okay, I get sometimes people may joke about being each others first love when they were in high school or whatever, but this bitch is married, and wrote publicly on his wall "happy birthday secret love" which I thought was way out of line. She had the galls to post this publicly.
no need for violence
It's not bad for you to not want your husband to have female friends. It is bad for you to /stop/ your husband from having female friends. No matter what's happened in the past, you can't control your husband's life unless it interferes with your marriage in a significant way. =/ It sucks, but it's fair. Judge the women in his life on a case-by-case basis.
No. My girlfriend handles her shit on her own. She doesn't need me to step in.
Though if one of her exes came back and laid a hand on her, I have no idea what I'd do. I can have a real temper when I get really angry.
Honestly, I don't think it's YOUR place to "put the girl in place for your girlfriend." If your friend wants her boyfriend's girl friend to stop, she needs to address him about it. HE has to do something about it; not his girl friend. If he ain't gonna do nothing about it, your friend will have to make a decision to either to put up with it or move on. Addressing his girl friend will just cause unnecessary drama on her behalf and it will most likely motive the girl friend to continue her ways.
Anyways, I agree with @GettingClosertoFine@xanga that it's not bad for you not to want your husband to have female friends, but it is bad for you to stop your husband from having female friends. Your husband should be able to have female friends regardless what happened in the past. Not all women are the same and some actually respect others significant others.
You are not your husband's mother in telling him whom he can be friends with and whom he cannot. You'd think he'd be an adult and makes his own decisions who he'd want to be friends with, however I understand your frustration.
On the issue with your friend; if she's obsesssed with getting married to preserve that obsession, is she willing to be with a guy who has a "female friend" who acts like his mistress in person? She needs to ask herself: "how much shit am I willing to put up with if I were to marry this man?"
If he loves her, he will want her to feel loved, safe and secure. If he doesn't love her enough, he might gamble with that idea that his friend is just being "friendly" and enjoy the attention. But it's not your place to put the weird female friend in her "place." You're a third party. You may know the emotion behind what your friend is feeling, but you're not in the relationship. Let it go. All you can do is comfort YOUR friend when she's feeling like she wants to VENT. G'luck.
i have a feeling this is how the overly jealous girlfriend thinks logically.
Yes, I've wanted to bash my bf's ex. In the beginning of our relationship, they were still friends, and she was always talking shit about me behind his back and she was a gossiper. My bf made his share of mistakes back then - to the point where I often wonder why I didn't dump him. But it's a good thing I didn't, because soon enough he got his shit together, blocked her from his life, Thank god. She is a total bitch.
@x_colormepretty_x@xanga - "Yes, I've wanted to bash my bf's ex. In the
beginning of our relationship, they were still friends, and she was
always talking shit about me behind his back and she was a gossiper."
Totally feel you. I hate girls like that. I don't get what's their deal. Whenever a bf and I relationship didn't work out and I found out he started going out with someone new, I couldn't care less to talk to the new girl. The most I've maybe done was ask what his friends who I was still friends with thought of the new girl but I didn't care to really gossip about her over all.
I'm so glad my husband didn't have an ex gf drama when I came into the picture. I probably would've just quit seeing him immediately.
More like I have had problems with exes new girlfriends because they're crazy psycho. But your story, crazy!!! This "Debbie" sounds awful.
Ugh Debbie is awful.
Treat people on an individual basis. Getting jealous and suspicious of every single chick that's around your husband makes you no better than his crazy exes.
@GettingClosertoFine@xanga - @jeezshoua@xanga - @kor_girl@xanga - @KasumiCelesta@xanga - Never said I didn't have issues lol. He has chick friends, but it's chicks that are part of couples that are our friends. But like if he wanted to do something alone with a chick...hell no. I have trust issues/daddy issues (whatever you want to call them), but I have always been upfront about them so he knew what he was getting into. And about my friend...I wouldn't actually just go up to that girl randomnely and tell her off lol. But if we were all together at a bar or something and she was being a bitch I would probably call her out on it (the fact that she is being a bitch to my friend, nothing about her past relationship with my friend's bf...that's not my business). And that's only cause I am protective over my friends, and I can't stand those bitchy girls that think they can make any comment they want and no one is going to say anything....sorry, small rant. lol. I'm not a sidelines kind of girl. I mean I would let my guy handle it at first, but if it continued I would get fed up and tell her something...this has happened before. But hey, that's me, and I'm crazy lol.
I think if they are mutual opposite sex friends then its okay. Perhaps if he was better at picking his female friends out then you wouldn't have this insecurity. They probably are all trying to get with him because they're those types of girls. I had a similar situation when I was dating my now husband where this girl was seriously trying to get with him (she wasn't an ex, just a really strange woman). She worked with him and made everybody at that job hate me (they were all girls) and they all wanted to have sex with him - it was a seriously trashy area. Well anyways, he stopped talking to her eventually and transfered to a nicer city.
But I swear to God, if I ever saw that woman again...I would go ape. Tyneesha would come out. Nobody wants that.
@annamariuhh@xanga - Fucking Debbie.
@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - Okay. That makes perfect sense and I agree with you then. It's not that I don't trust my husband to hang out with girls "alone" but it's that I'm not comfortable with it and vice versa. I just find it odd that a married or taken man will want to hang out with a female alone. People might disagree with me, but that's my take on it. Anyways, if your friend's boyfriend's girl friend is being a bitch to her when you're around, yes, stick up for her. I would do the same thing. I thought you were implying that you were going to go in their "relationship" and do something about it.
When meeting a couple, the safe bet I take is to talk to the girl more than the guy.
Also, I saw the title and read through this article hoping for some fantasy setting with heaps of gory details about you beating the crap out of your significant other's ex, because that's what I need right now. My current significant other's ex is the worst human being I've ever encountered. Anyway if I could, I'd rip her hair out, claw her face and the coup de grace? Tell her she's an ugly stupid fat blimp. That is all.
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@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - that was what I had gathered from the get go. You didn't come off as possessive, but protective. And I didn't assume it was "girls" as a whole, but specific ones. lol And yes, I've had that ex. I wanted to knock every tooth down her throat, take her by the hair and drag her through the dirt. There was other things I wanted to do, as well. But nothing I'd feel comfortable saying without offending anyone. :) I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's really unfortunate that some bitches can't take a hint. or a blatantly obvious, outright statement like "fuck off". I wonder what is wrong with them.
Debbie sounds fucking crazy. Geez. Women like her give the female gender a bad name.
At one point in time or another, I think everyone has wanted to completely bash their significant other's ex in the face. I know I have (not that I'd have the courage to) only because she decided to invade the relationship like a mosquito and basically tell me all of the bad things that happened to her during the relationship, demand that I break up with him immediately, then proceed to insult him in every FB status. Not to mention, she was in the process of getting married.
I just think keeping a friendship only basis with an ex is a complicated thing.
while some people are going to flip out on you and call you a control freak, I can honestly say I know how you feel. sometimes when bitches are crazy and your man just won't wake up and see the situation for what it really is, things can get really stressful and go to places they shouldn't go.
I also want to warn you, sometimes talking to the girl doesn't help - it just makes it worse. This happened to me personally and when things started to go south with my boyfriend I finally showed him the message I wrote to the girl and what she wrote back and when he looked at the date of it he said that's when she really started pushing to "be friends" with him. COINCIDENCE?
and I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. I hope you never have to again.
I would never dream of telling my boyfriend he couldn't hang out with other girls. If for no other reason than that I would be livid if he tried to stop me from hanging out with other guys. I literally have ONE female friend. My best friends, my close friends, are all male. I go out with them, we crash at eachother's houses, that will never change. I'd be a hypocrite if I tried to control my boyfriend.
That being said, there was one girl I couldn't stand. My boyfriend is in the Army. Before we started officially dating, he was routinely hooking up with a girl a few years younger than us. I never really liked her, but I never had a problem with her personally.
But when my guy and I got together, she wouldn't leave him alone. He told her flat out he had a girlfriend, and that they were over. But she would text and call him multiple times a day, every day. He never responded back to her, but for months she kept it up.
Luckily she's since stopped and deleted both of us from Facebook, lol.