Sunday, 25 September 2011
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In Defense of Defense Mechanisms
We all do it. We all use defense mechanisms in our relationships as an attempt to avoid the unavoidable. It's true: we all do it. It's why I find Chandler Bing so relatable-- he is the king of sarcasm: a tactic he uses to fend off the obviousness of his intimacy issues.Why I do it in my relationship:
I'm self-conscious. This is a blanket term that I am using to describe any time that I feel inferior, be it that I fear how much L loves me, how much I love L, or how real the possibility is of L's infidelity. I'm self-conscious because, once in a while, I have doubts. Who doesn't? What is a human?
I want to hide my feelings. This happens when I'm thinking things that I maybe shouldn't think. Perhaps L has said something I find bothersome. I use any number of defense mechanisms in an attempt to appear unscathed. As a human, I don't like to expose my wounds-- my weaknesses, and my vulnerabilities.
Isn't that why we all, really, do it? We want to be strong and, more than that, we want to appear strong. Is it unfair of me to use the word "we" here?
What is a human if we can't feel weak? Even in the best, most durable relationships, what is a man or a woman who doesn't fear seeming weak?
It isn't a coincidence that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" is such a profound and timeless quote.
How often do you use defense mechanisms in your relationships?
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (18)
If you have to do this then you sure as hell don't feel comfortable with "L".
@starrylovah - I'm not sure about the writer but for me defense mechanisms aren't a choice I make they're an automatic reaction to my 'triggers'. I know in my relationships I have to choose to allow myself to be vulnerable and open because it isn't my automatic response. It doesn't really have anything to do with the other person, it's more about me overcoming me, in order to be emotionally honest with someone I care for. If I feel comfortable with him and I want to be open with him I have to get past my own defense mechanisms. It's not easy for me but I'm working on it. I wish I could say loving someone is enough to make all the defensive tendancies in me vanish but life doesn't work that way.
Anytime someone uses "L" as a nickname to describe someone, I can't help but think of Death Note.
This is one of the most important things about a relationships and it's a sign that you're relationship is in a good place if you're able to let your guard down. Not being able to usually shows a lack of confidence.
Don't people realize how transparent they are?
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - I LOVE DEATH NOTE
i honestly dont
what can happen is ill draw away - but thats so blatantly obvious hopefully they'll pull me in. other times ill do it on my own and wait for another time. thats what i do and something im working on. but at the same time its also how i process things and think things out. i cant be action all the time and sometimes i just need my space. so no im not really the type to mislead someone or divert. i just need my time. i know i should say things just as they come into my head, but some thoughts you're still mulling through and i wanna make sure it lines up with what i really want.
@misss_petite@xanga - ME TOO!
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - same here
@drawmafreezone@xanga - That is the same like myself...
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Same.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - my nickname is L... but I haven't seen Deathnote
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - YES.
Everyone who claims I'm using a defense mechanism is using a defense mechanism.
When my fiance gets too...seriously romantic, I feel self conscious. We're planning a wedding, and sometimes he'd talk about our savings and joint accounts, the rent, how much is our budget for flowers and etc... honey moon fees and if I were to go back to school, when, etc...I get all worked up inside, vibrating with nerves because I'm freaking out, so I'll make a joke and laugh extra hard by myself even if he's a bit taken back by the fact that I'm making a joke at THIS TIMING than just accept the comment or the compliement. I get uncomfortable and insecure.
But if you are having these doubts about L: whether or not her infidelity is a possibility, you need to let her in and open up a bit, TALK TO HER. I try to fight it a lot, but in the end of the day, I feel better having to have told my fiance about how terrified I am to even PRETEND if he fell out of love with me.... these things I don't like to confront or to talk about, but I let him in because the more he knows the frail side of me, the more he gets to know me that most ppl don't see. :) That's a privilege to be part of, isn't it? in being your so.../.
Of course everyone uses them from time to time, with different people, in different relationships. I can honestly say that I don't use them with my husband - at least, not often enough for me to recall a specific time. I don't feel the need to.
When you are in a serious relationship with someone, you should be fine being vulnerable because you trust that person enough to not use it against you.
I think if you are aware of how defensive you can be with your significant other then it's definitely something that needs to be addressed openly. It's easy for others to tell when someone is being defensive and it can come off as an insult to those who aren't trying to offend you or hurt you in any way. It's also harmful for you to constantly be trying to push unpleasant ideas and theories out of your mind. Either you really don't trust the person you're with, OR you're insecure with yourself, in both cases you need to talk to your significant other about it.
I understand that occasionally unpleasant thoughts will run through your mind. I trust and love my husband but there have been a couple of times where I got very overwhelmed at the thought of him leaving. But I don't constantly have to fight off these thoughts, they don't consume my mind because they seem unrealistic to me. If you are always fighting off these fears then something is amiss.
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