Saturday, 24 September 2011
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Attached to My Ex-Boyfriend
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. We were together for 2 years if you include the time we were apart. We were practically together. We acted like a couple; we just didn’t have the relationship status. There was a pattern, he would say that he is going to stop talking to me, and then a day or two later, he talks to me again. He says he doesn't want to do anything physical, and he's going to "draw the line," the line disappears and it happens again.
And while all of this is happening, he says that he knows for a fact that he will never ever ask me to be his girlfriend again, especially since he’s mainly focused on his career. He always mentions that he wants me to move on; he wants me to go on dates. I would ask him if he would feel sad if I moved on, he said that he would be relieved, but also a bit sad. I felt like it's just a pattern, even his friends noticed it. I want to move on because what if one day he woke up moved on? I don’t want to feel even more heartbroken as I am now.
We were cuddling today. He gave me a couple of kisses, hugs, etc. And all the sudden, he said he's going to make things right. He got up, got dressed, and said to me that I should save everything else for my next boyfriend. I asked him what made him think that way all the sudden and he said he thinks about it every time we cuddle, kiss, or etc. He said the reason why he was saying it like it was nothing was because “that’s just how much he thought about it.” I was caught off guard… He told me he loved me and missed me a couple of seconds before he said anything.
I didn't cry, because I was used to it. But yet, I was crushed on the inside... I always have that feeling of doubt. “No, it can’t be over… It’s just the pattern. When things go right, it goes wrong after a while. But what if it really is over? What will I do?”
I have no intention in meeting other guys, I tried. No one caught my attention. Some confessed they liked me, but I couldn't like them. I'm too caught up with my ex-boyfriend. He was gone for a couple of weeks before, and he was always in the back of my mind. I was missing him. He realized that he missed me more than he expected, and came back again.
He would come back when he notices that I'm moving on, and when he does, I give him that security he wants, and he does it all over again! I'm stupid for letting this happen, I'm stupid for letting this little hope get to me, thinking that maybe things will be different. Maybe, things will get better. Maybe, he will come back.
I'm sick of being paranoid, of worrying, of being scared. I'm tired of him doing all of this. But I feel like I'm slowly dying on the inside when he's not next to me. He's someone that I would want to keep in my life. It's one of those feelings, when you know that deep inside, you KNOW that both of you had a huge impact on each other... And there will always be some feelings left towards them.
Any advice? What would you do if you were in my position? What do you think might have been going on in his mind?
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- From: Mish
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Comments (64)
:( I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd just end things once and for all. What this guy is doing to you is not healthy.
Tell him how you feel and ask him if he would consider a relationship. If not, then it's not worth it. It seems like he actually really does care about you, but if he doesn't want to do it then try to let it go.
Don't make someone a priority when you're their option; cliches do tend to be true, after all.
no it's not healthy! he's seeing how far he can go and get away with it. love isn't just a sometime deal. you need to draw the line and stick to it! he's using you like a doormat, whenever he feels like it he knows you'll be there. and your love has blinded you, men don't change, we can't change them! you need to move on and stop all communications with him. because he's basically hurting you whenever he feels like it and you're letting him! you deserve better than that! you deserve to be loved all the time. not just when he wants to. you deserve to have someone who really loves you and wants to share their time with you! wake up girl! one day he'll really leave and he won't be coming back. to me he's still looking for somebody else but wants to keep you in the back burner in case it doesn't work out. let go now, while you still can!
@lvlylucia@xanga - she should definitely try to move on if he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her now or even in the future, but otherwise... I don't mean to be rude, but I think otherwise this is completely streamlined BS.
Kind of sounds like my situation. If I were to look on the good-guy side, I'd say that he loves you but believes there are too many differences. I understand that you are not strong enough to push him away but...you need to try. Temptation is hard to turn down, but you gotta do what you gotta do. In the end, your short moments of happiness will dig a deep hole in your heart and you'll only have yourself to blame. Don't get yourself to that point. I know you may be sick with him...wanting, needing...but it's better for YOU if you resist. Don't worry...there will be another guy. Maybe the same, maybe different but hang in there...he will come. Just don't worry about him or your ex....focus on yourself. Best of luck :]
@Anonymous - i've been in a relationship like this. and he came and left more than once, he walked all over me until i made the decision to leave and stop all contact.
I had a previous relationship just like this one. We were only together officially for a month, but stupid me let him stick around unofficially for another 7 or 8 months after that. I know a month is not really anything compared to two years. I made the mistake of going out with him too quickly and not even knowing him as a friend first. We tried to work things out, ended up hanging out unofficially. There was a time period for a few weeks and months where we wouldn't talk. He called me up out of the blue asking how things were going. We met up. He bought me some fast food. There's not much to do here so we drove around, talked for a bit, and then he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with him, as in hook up....and that's when I finally said no and that was the last time I saw him and I eventually was fine with that.
Girlfriend, it's time to move on. Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? You're just wasting your time.
Trying to not miss out on what you had, but is not willign to stay attached. Peace
I can attest to what your going through empress. I could be considered the guy in this position. Its the same way with my last girlfriend, even though we weren't together, she likes calling me and jsut to hang out and chat about life. We seem to still have that connection when we were together. He may really love you but just don't want to screw things up.he just wants you to be happy.
I eventually told her that we should just remain friends because i wanted to stop hurting her, because I amde a few mistakes but I wish she would take me back though.
i could so relatye, my ex that broke up with me years ago is still on my mind .. we are 'friends' now but i feel like when i move on he comes back .. then i give him assurance then he leaves its just so frustrating .. i think the best thing is cut off all contact which i tried .. and he still comes back .. ughhhh
I know how to feel! and I'm guilty of acting like that sometimes to my ex too.
I really think that you should move on.Stop all communication with him. Delete everything you have of him or remind you of him. Block his number if you have to - why? He obviously don't want anything serious, committed, or stable with you. He comes back to you when he feels like it and leave when he want to. You deserve so much better and you will find a man who will treat you better when you are WILLING to give it a try wholeheartedly. Why let him run all over you? Why let him do as he please? Why be his door mat when he doesn't care what he's doing to you? It's a pattern and it will ALWAYS be a pattern for him. If you are willing to settle with that, stay and wait for him, but I guarantee you, you won't be happy. There are many men out there who will give you what you want and you can be happy with them.
It seems like he's actually trying to do what's best for you. Maybe when he has the time or sees you in a different light he will reconsider, but either way I think it's best you leave alone thoughts about a relationship with him for now. You don't need to be really dramatic about it.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I am so sick of all the ridiculous "burn-all-your-bridges" trolling. Even if he doesn't want a relationship with you that doesn't mean you have to cut him out of your life.
Move on from him, but don't get into another relationship. Just focus on you.
I know what you mean about it being hard to find someone else, and being alone can be even tougher, but it's really a chance to grow in new ways.
@Anonymous - Who the fuck is trolling? She asked for my opinion and that's exactly my opinion. If she wants to get over this guy and actually move on to a healthy and stable relationship, she needs to cut all contacts with him to do that. Obviously, she can't be friends with him and vice versa because they will just be repeating their "patterns" over and over again. In time when they are over this itch and want to be friends, sure. Right now? No. And it's probably for the best, anyways.
i was exactly the same as you... but our official relationship was one year.. then we were on and off for another 3 or 4 years.. it was so long that i couldn't even recall exactly how long. during these period we could act like couples and do what couples do... but when i wanted to talk to him about us he would distant himself. during this period, he had other gfs and i hung out with other guys who liked me... and there were some guys i actually quite like but i felt that it wasn't fair for them if i still think of my ex.. because i really loved my ex-boyfriend.
but there was one guy who practically pulled me out of this whole mess. and i slowly fell in love with him. then my ex realized it and wanted me back officially. even though a part of me was torn apart (because i've always wanted him to admit that he loves me) but another part of me just wanted to move on. so i decided to give the new guy a chance.
two years later i'm still with my current bf. and eventually my ex moved on and got himself a gf. we barely talk to each others now.. i miss him from time to time but i know both of us are happier than before.
so i think you can find your true happiness too. u just need to take the first step. : )
@jeezshoua@xanga - Okay, that's a little better, but people don't just stay the same for their entire lives.  People and relationships are dynamic and fluid. I think you're right that she should leave it alone for now, but I think it's foolish telling people that they can never change, because it is a self-fulfilling prophecy...  and one that you have likely taken to projecting upon other people.  Just my two cents.
Don't get back with him, ever. I've been in this same position, not being able to get over a guy so bad to the point where even if James Franco asked me to marry him, I wouldn't even give him the time of day. It took me months to finally get over that but eventually I got completely over him. Took almost a year but it happened.
You'll probably find someone 10x better than him and be thankful you broke up in the first place lol
@Anonymous - In fact, some people can stay the same forever. It just depends on the individual, their circumstances, and what they are willing to do/change about it. If this has been happening the past two years, most likely, it will continue to be this way for her (and him) - or perhaps, he just don't want to be committed to her for whatever reason (s).
i love how the responses here are always basically "LEAVE THEIR ASS." no matter what the circumstances are.