Saturday, 24 September 2011
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The Great Things About Terrible Relationships
For whatever reason, the Gods of Love or the Gods of Torture have made the “bad relationship” an inevitable part of this whole life thing. You’ve seen friends go through it. And you’ve been in the relationship yourself. Perhaps you knew when you started dating that it was, plain and simple, a terrible idea. You had nothing in common. He threw a spitball at your senile grandmother the first time you brought him to a family dinner (true story). He stole money and lied about where he was. He hated “Star Wars” (what kind of person hates “Star Wars”?)Does it make us all sado-masochists? Does it make us all total foolish shmucks? Eh, maybe, but that’s not the point of this article.
I’ve dished out plenty of guff to friends dating a jerk, and I too have been in “unpopular” relationships (unpopular is a polite term for the reaction to some of my boyfriends; I am pretty certain interventions and rallies were being organized in protest of some of them). It is easy to get frustrated when we can so easily see our friends’ relationships with objectivity, and don’t want to listen to yet another dating horror story from someone we care about.
But, instead, I’d like to defend the relationships that are so easy to write off. Because, unless we are talking about abusive relationships, bad relationships are an incredible opportunity for growth.
I dated a guy once who was completely pleasant, easy to be around, and a generally nice human being. Our break up was amicable and we can still be friends. But that relationship was such a blip, and I consider it a waste of time. There was no passion or love, and we felt nothing for each other beyond a vague sense of warmth. It meant nothing to either of us, ultimately.
But all of my terrible relationships are the ones I have sincerely grown from. There was the guy who was a quantifiable genius yet overwhelmingly pretentious; he taught me that I appreciate someone with an intellect, but also need a man with a sense of grace and humility. The guy who hated social events, interacting with my friends and family, and would sit through entire meals in the kind of silence monks would envy--he was the same guy who taught me that I need a person who finds genuine joy interacting with other people and can hold a conversation. Were these relationships hell? Yes! Were my friends annoyed every time I complained? Absolutely!
But like anything in life, we do not grow unless we have experienced some negativity, and dating people with a variety of qualities can help us narrow down what we really are looking for, for better or worse.
What is the most important thing you have learned from your bad relationships? And how do you cope with friends who are in the midst of bad relationships?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (38)
You have shown no sign of personal growth.
sometimes we must figure out what we don't like to know what we truly like. btw, i'm not a star wars fan.
I hate star wars.
I get to know people as friends before I start dating them, that way I can weed them out before I get attached. I've also learned from my friends' terrible relationships and as a result haven't been in one myself. As the old saying goes, "A wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a fool by his own." Also, Star Wars is just "meh".
"To truly appreciate sunny days, you must have rainy days."
I think that quote pretty much sums it up. Also, I don't like Star Wars, but I don't hate Star wars.
These all sound like things to work out in relationships, not reasons they are destined to fail. If the passion and love is there, you can work on these types of things with people if they are willing to talk about it and make a change. If they're not, then obviously they don't care about you as much as they should. Basically, all it takes is good communication. Don't be so quick to abandon relationships with adversity, or else you'll see yourself continuously starting new relationships and quit trying when you can't work out these types of things. If you have that passion and real connection with someone and they're willing to make a change, stick with them or else you'll never be able to build upon anything with anyone. Like you said, going through "bad" or tough things with people can be a learning experience, but it can be a learning experience for you both, and it doesn't mean necessarily mean you both can't work on it together. Going through tough things with people and getting over it will make you a lot closer; and if you can't do it, then you are destined to fail in ALL long term relationships.
You're right about that--all of our bad experiences in life, not just relationships, help us grow as individuals. But that is something that we are able to feel in hindsight, unfortunately.
I've learned that, sometimes I can be so caught up in the good times that I fail to take note of the red flags along the way. Not everyone has red flags, and by no means am I advising people to freak out at the first sign that the other person may not be the person you think he/she is, but IF there are any red flags, it doesn't hurt to just slow down and make sure you're heading in the right direction.
The Secret to Staying in Love
@fatewillfindaway - Oh. My. God. That was amongst the most wonderful and valuable books I have ever read, thanks for linking it!
@starrylovah - No problem! It's one of my favorites, too.
Alec Guinness, the original actor for Obi Wan Kenobi, hated Star Wars.
What I've learned from bad relationships is that more often than not you can both make compromises to make things better, and if you can't... you shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
When I'm talking to a friend about a difficulty, I usually try to give them advice on how to work it out with them, regardless of what I think about it. It's good to have another point of view, but there is no "objective" point of view about relationships... only more opinion. I try not to get too into what my friends have to say because it just doesn't work very well, you can never really understand what's actually going on between two people who are romantically involved from an outside standpoint, although advice can be helpful to improve a relationship with someone.
All of my friends used to hate my husband, and now he's really great friends with all of them, haha. Thinking back on what they used to think (and I used to think for that matter!) all seems so silly now.
There is no good or bad in love.
I've learned to not give guys a chance if I am not attracted to them in any way. I made a few mistakes in the past of giving someone a chance because he seemed interested in me or so I thought. He turned out to be a jerk and a waste of my time. I figured I'd try to see if I could end up liking him which is why I gave him a chance. I'm also always friends with a guy first now before it evolves into anything more than that.
My biggest learning experience when it comes to relationships is not to settle for someone.
"Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief."
abusive relationships can also be an opportunity for personal growth. an abusive relationship was what finally made me understand that I wasn't worth as little as I thought I was.
We view every emotional relationship as a "bad relationship" after we're not in it anymore. Oh how quick we can be to see the worst sides of a situation.
We learn a lot from our failures and it helps us grow and mature if you let it. By this I mean, don't get a rebound to mask your emotions in a previous relationship. In words of Phil from Wongfu: "The same way you embrace joyful and happy moments...embrace the suffering and difficult moments too." In my breakup, I thought things through, put myself in an emotional wreck, kept thinking about her, but I grew with each day because I learn more about myself and my needs. I understand relationships a little more holistically. You may feel like the loser in a breakup, but the real loser is the one that doesn't learn from the relationship. My ex thinks she's learning and maturing, but all she does is make the same mistakes with the past 4 guys (including me now). She thinks "a more sociable guy will suit me better" is considered learning. Maybe. But after 4 years of dating, she pulled this on me. I think she's lost the battle and I pity her for not learning her lesson. She finds another guy to rebound with, or so she thinks is gonna be "the one."
I dunno but apparently a lot of respondents don't like Star Wars. I'm a passive fan.
The biggest thing I learned from my last relationship is how I don't want to be treated. I feel that I learned the most from my current relationship though. How I deserve to be treated, what someone who loves you really says to you, how beautiful I am, how my interests feelings needs are legitimate and normal. That if my partner says something douchey they absolutely should apologize and not make excuses. I suppose it's the contrast of relationships that teaches the most. If I had been with my boyfriend without being with my last partner maybe I wouldn't appreciate him as much.
I agree
@daphne - ????
i've learned a ton from my bad relationships...my favorite one is before you love someone else, you have to learn how to love yourself first.
@icancrackanegg - Good point
OP:
I like Star Wars but I am a bigger Star Trek fan
@wearetheworld -
@number9 - Thanks for those excellent, truthful posts.