Thursday, 22 September 2011
-
Embracing Singlehood?
I broke up with my ebf around 8 months ago. For some reason, I find myself counting the days I’ve been single. I was in two serious relationships which lasted a total span of 5 years. Once our relationship (the recent break up) began to deteriorate, I began to realize I never let myself heal from the first relationship and jumped right into the second serious one 6 months after. The recent break up was due to the fact that he was emotionally abusive near the last few months of the relationship.
Enough was enough, I made the decision to end things despite how emotionally attached and close we were. It’s almost puzzling to look back and remember how we used to see each other every day and spent most of the day together! Oh my.So of course, the break up was brutal. I was accustomed to having my significant other around on a daily basis. Hate to say it but I grew dependent on him. So when I broke up with him, not only did I have to pick up the pieces and heal the wounds of the emotional abuse, but also learn how to be independent again.
At first, I threw myself into my work. As a nursing student, school was the best form of distraction from reality. Then of course you hit that point where you’re just chronically lonely and depressed. I also tried distracting myself with TV sitcoms in which I’d stay up 'till 4 am to watch, miss classes and gained a significant amount of weight. Yikes… I know. In retrospect, I wasn’t giving my mind and body the love and care it needs.
I sought out counseling for the emotional abuse. Slowly began to make transition in the break up process of “What if he changes for the better and we can get back together?” to “You can never change someone. Move on and learn to be on your own.” I accepted the fact that this is who he was (of course this acceptance only occurred after many late night drunken phone calls from him, threats and stalking situations).
After a good 5 months, I was enjoying the single life. Hitting up the clubs all dressed up and ready to have a good time. I was yearning for this attention from the guys at the clubs. It made me feel good to have guys hitting on me, wanting to dance with me and flirt with me. But of course, I shortly came to the realization the attention guys give you at clubs is purely sexual. You live and you learn right? To my defense I was at an insecure point in the break up healing process.
Now, I find myself enjoying the solitude even though I do feel lonely from time to time. But I will adjust! I like going on hikes by myself and find myself wanting to go to the movies alone or even to restaurants. But this is kind of awkward, even though I kind of want to do it. It’s just the pity/weird stares I might get from people (especially at the restaurants). Yes I can go with friends. But we’re all busy with conflicting school schedules. And I don’t mind going on my own.
So what do you think I should do? Has anyone ever done this before? What’s your take on it?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: scribbles
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 5 Views: 0 9260 Comments: 0 99 View all posts by scribbles
Comments (23)
yes! for 6 years i had been in serious relationships (total of 3) and in the end i was over it. needed time to be alone. now its been 2 years of enjoying being single (for the most part). there are times i miss male companionship and i think i achieve it through male friends, just their presence and support. but that prevents me from gettings into actual relationships which is unhealthy... lol. but i have used this time to think about the past relationships, what went wrong and why. what i didnt like about myself in relationships and myself and how people seem to date their exes basically. like we subconciously choose partners that are similar to the old ones. but yeah, after time alone and gaining independence, i think im down to dat now. gotta love and know yourself before you can succeed in relationships!
About 10 months ago, I got out of an abusive relationship that started out the same way as yours. We met online about a month after both of us suffered from breakups that shattered us. We looked to each other for comfort and understanding. Unfortunately, it seemed that she never recovered from her previous relationship. Mixed in with other personal factors, she began to be manipulative, abusive and unruly towards me.
I always try to make the most of being single. I had the first dose of it after my first serious relationship where I was single for over two years. I didn't mind being single, but I still longed to be with someone. And as I continue being single now, I still long to be with someone; someone who does treat me with respect as I would with them.
This happens more often than you think so don't worry! I'm glad to hear you sought counseling, took time to go through all of these processes, and are now happily independent again (or at least on your way there).
I feel like that would be an interesting thing to try though, going out to a public place such as a movie or restaurant alone. And pay no concern to other people, as the saying goes, "Don't care about what other people think, they don't do it that often anyways". You don't have to continually do those things but my guess is you'd get some sense of satisfaction and even greater independence from doing those things. Hey if it helps you, message me, we'll both try it and compare experiences.
Admittedly I did get a laugh out of the bit, "I shortly came to the realization the attention guys give you at clubs is purely sexual,". When have nightclubs ever been anything but sexually charged hunting grounds? At least from a male perspective anyways.
As for the bouts of loneliness, that's a natural occurrence. Anyone who is single gets that feeling every now and again. The best way to get rid of it is to just sit there for a moment and really immerse yourself in the feeling. Understand why your feeling that way and then tell yourself that it's OKAY TO FEEL THAT WAY. Then get up and either go do something productive or have fun with friends.
i was in a relationship that wasn't good for me, we broke up and i ended missing him and counting the days we'd get back together even though i knew it was bad for me. but one day, i realized how happy i was without him and how easy my life was without him or anyone else. i'm for real when i say that i enjoy being single. i really love it. i can leave when i want to, go out with the girls, do whatever i want, not have to worry about someone else. i don't mind eating alone at the restaurant or even going to a matinee show by myself. i love it. i mean i love being in a relationship but it's ok being single and just being by yourself.
There's nothing wrong with going out and doing things on your own, especially the movies and going out to dinner. Sometimes I just want to do things that my friends don't want to. So, instead of depriving myself of enjoyment I go and do it by myself. It's quite refreshing at times to just be alone or talk to random people.
I don't understand why you can change but he can't... The whole "people never change" argument never made much sense to me. Maybe some time out of the relationship was just what you both needed. But that doesn't mean you should have to feel bad doing things on your own...
Embrace the single life! AMEN! People just have to accept the fact that you CAN be happy by yourself and you do not need anyone to make you happy. Once you can do that, you'll be successful in the next relationship. I love being single and I am happy with who I am. I make changes and improvements everyday to better myself and for myself. Going to restaurants is an "eh". If there is some place you really want to eat at or try, then go ahead.
@stanlee255@xanga - Yeah the restaurant thing is especially awkward for me, although I do it sometimes when I feel like it. I've had an old man ask me why I was alone before and not going on dates. At the time I was with my ex long distance, so it was funny, but if he asked now I'd probably just get sad.
Embracing singlehood is fine I guess. It just doesn't feel entirely natural much of the time. I go out to eat with my two guy roommates a lot, sometimes with just one of them, and although we confuse waiters it's better that way.
I'm going through a difficult breakup right now, ending because it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I haven't got to the stage of: Weight gain, Loneliness, Depressed state ... yet. BUT! If I can recommend anything to any girl going through a breakup or being broken up with... Take an afternoon to read: Its called a breakup because its broken by: Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-BehrendtDo it. You won't regret it!
Scribbles, I totally feel you on this. Still hurting from a breakup myself (It's only been 3 months) I'm also finding it tough to be by myself.
What I do find to be helpful is exercise and hanging out with friends CONSTANTLY. Exercise is especially key because not only does it release endorphins and all that good stuff, it also keeps you fit and attractive. ;) I found myself feeling pretty good about myself after a good round of cardio.
I do go to the movies by myself, but I don't really eat out at sit-down restaurants by myself anymore because of all the pity stares. It's just plain uncomfortable!
@bestpairofsneaks@xanga - I agree.
@StatelessPilot@revelife - lol
@starrylovah - I'd like to know what's so damn funny about my comment? I'm just calling it like I se it.
@StatelessPilot@revelife - Are you still kidding around or are you really the most jaded person on earth? Love is the most powerful thing in the entire world. Nothing comes close.
http://www.magicofmakingup.com/?hop=reviewme1
@starrylovah - Oh I ain't kidding. Call me jaded, cynical, whatever. Love is imaginary. Though some people have suggested that I am incapable of feeling or giving love, which might also be true. I blogged my thoughts on love in a recent entry though. I'll copy/paste it here if you want.
@StatelessPilot@revelife - don't. You have obviously been hurt very badly. If you want to get into semantics, you could call all the world an illusion. Love is the only thing worth living for... that doesn't mean you can't be single for a while. But life is not worth living without love. Love is real and the most amazing, powerful feeling you can have. It can literally change your molecular structure if you want to get down to the nitty gritty.
@Lalaleah_Love@xanga - I guess you and I have different life philosophies then. My career is what I have to live for. That's the only thing that makes me happy. When I'm not at work I'm depressed. In general I can't stand people - so I find joy and comfort in my career.
... you're fucking dead.
"I know a life without love is no life at all."
Leonardo Da Vinci, someone who definitely had a terrible career.
-Katie
Fashion Accessories
Nike Dunk SB Shoes
Nike air Jordan shoes
nike air max shoes
Nike Air Shox shoes
Nike basketball shoes
Nike air Yeezy shoes
Nike Ken Griffey JR Shoes
Nike soccer shoes
RADII Footwear
Gucci sneakers
Supra shoes
nike air force one shoes
Cole haan Fashion
Prada shoes
MBT shoes
Louis Vuitton shoes
Tods shoes
High heel shoes
Karen Millen
Timberland boots
CL Men Shoes
Shmack Shoes
Puma Shoes
Vlado Shoes
ATO Matsumoto shoes
Vibram FiveFingers
Men jeans clothing
Women jeans clothing
Ed Hardy Hoodies
Men T-shirt Clothing
Women T-shirt Clothing
Men long sleeve t-shirt
AAA Brand Handbags
bags & handbags & luggage
hey i was just in the same boat but i ended up on a happier side. i was dating a guy for 3 years and finally broke up and now im extremely happy again! the relief and to be single again never felt better