Wednesday, 21 September 2011
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Drugs, Sex, and Relationships
I recently joined an online dating site for the first time ever, and was surprised to come across one of the “matchmaking questions.” The question innocently asked, “Do you think taking drugs with your partner can be a sensual experience?”Like most online dating (and SAT) questions, I was dissatisfied with my multiple-choice answer options. What drug were we talking about? Does alcohol count as a drug? Are we talking heroin or marijuana or accidentally taking too much Nyquil during the seasonal flu?
Drugs and relationships are certainly not just modern day issue. The drug use of ancient civilizations has been extensively documented, and often in sexual rituals. I even stumbled upon a book in college that studied drug use in animals and how it relates to sexuality (not joking, apparently reindeer really love shrooms).
There is a very interesting article that discusses the link between attitudes on sex and attitudes on drug policy. Those more likely to support legalization of marijuana were also more likely to answer that sex without love was okay. Therefore, a liberal attitude in terms of drugs is also correlated to a more liberal standpoint on sex and relationships.
Rather than enter the entire moral and ethical debate about drug use, I instead want to explore drugs as they effect relationships. More specifically, my view on the subject is basically whatever your partner is into, you should be into to some degree, too, otherwise the thing isn’t gonna last. You can’t have one person sitting at home getting high all day, while the other person works 60 hours a week in criminal litigation.
“How was your day honey?”
“Fine, just sat here for 8 hours getting high! How’s the big case?”
That relationship is not going anywhere.
I have seen friends’ relationships affected by this issue. You don’t have to be an addict, either. Recreational users of any substance have to deal with this issue in their dating life. Alcohol is an extremely common and divisive issue in a person’s relationships due to its legality and hyper-use in the youth dating scene. If one person is out drinking every weekend (and on Thirsty Thursdays), while the other has a cocktail only on holidays, alcohol could cause a rift that ultimately leads to a relationship’s demise.
I think it falls into line with research contradicting the Paula Abdul song with the cartoon MC Skat Kat, “Opposites Attract.” Opposites may attract, but your relationship will probably not last very long. Therefore, regardless of if you are a “Say No to Drugs” person, or dappling in everything, try to find a partner who has similar views or habits.
How do your opinions on drug use factor into your relationship? Can you be involved with another person who has different opinions on drug use? Do you believe you can have more intimate, sensual experiences through drug or alcohol use?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (27)
Here is the truth..
Sex is great..But when high, sex is out of this world.
I am a functioning "pothead" and I would only date sober or other functioning "potheads" not the kind of "pothead" that is a couch potatoe. There is a difference!
Its pretty simple if you dont like drugs, then dont dating anyone who uses them. Same with drinking or smoking cigerettes.
I'd rather date someone who smoke weed regularly than someone who drinks regularly.
im not down with drugs. in general. i already made the mistake of dating an ex heroin addict who instead smoked weed after being a heroine addict, turned back to heroine without my knowing half into our relationship. sooooooooo no drugs, no drug addicts, and especially no pot heads. some people think pots ok and good for them and all but i hate the way people behave on pot. -_- so no drugs for improving my sex life and no drug addicts please.
OMG I had to bust out laughing about that example you used about the couch potatoe and the litigator lol...my FIL did sit at home and get high all day while my MIL worked at an attorney's office hahaha LOL...I don't know how she does it...oh wait she's crazy. anyway, you should be into or at least accepting of the same things your partner is. But my #1 rule is no drunk sex if my husband has been drinking. It lasts so long when he is drunk that he has literally screwed me sober, and that was just no fun. Some women like to screw for hours...I am not one of them. And when you have kids everything with drugs/alcohol changes (or at least it should)...so that would also be an important conversation to have.
It is entirely too amusing that none of the responses above mine are written in proper English.
I smoke weed regularly and function in life (and relationships) like a normal adult.
As for my personal stance on marijuana and relationships, I think it's great if two people can share it together. My girlfriend doesn't need to smoke pot, but she needs to be okay with the fact I smoke and not nag me about it at the very least. I don't want a goddamn lecture every time I sit down and smoke a bowl after work or roll a blunt when my friends are over.
I don't want to date a pothead who does nothing but sit around and get baked all day, but I don't want to date some "Just Say No" crusader either.
Thankfully it's not something I have to worry about in my current relationship.
Methylone, sweet methylone. No drug/sex bingo card is good without it. And having acid with one of my lovers was indeed one of the most sensual experiences I've ever had. Pot's practically a post-sex tradition these days.
That said, I'd say it would be a good idea to have sex primarily soberly with a committed partner. Or how about just time spent sober, doing anything, should outnumber the time spent not. You've got to see if you still love to be around someone when there's nothing chemical to be buzzing on. Also a good thing to keep in mind... When you come home from work or school or whatever and feel like shit, who do you go to, drugs or your partner?
I dunno, I'm all for sex and drugs and rock and roll when you're young and having lovers instead of boyfriends, but I feel like once you have boyfriends... It's kind of a more serious thing. But again, I don't really know.
I agree, drugs and alcohol can greatly enhance the experience. My partner is a total slut whenever she drinks and smokes pot.
I found out Nyquil makes me lose dick control so I don't chance it unless I have condoms.
As long as people are cool with what each other do it doesn't really matter, but if you should at least try what your SO does. You don't have to start matching each other for weed or drinks, but you should be able to enjoy what you enjoy doing with the one you're with. Psychedelics can be a truly enriching experience and make you far closer with your partner, intense experiences together always make you closer to someone. That said, it's usually not a good idea to date someone addicted to anything, including alcohol. I can't see any good relationship being built on blackouts, but you've gotta be able to have a few drinks together. I say opposites don't attract and people who are exactly the same don't attract. You have to compliment each other. I have a friend who who isn't that into stuff who always takes care of his drunk-ass girlfriend, and it works out really well for them. He keeps her safe, he's like her grounding force. I've seen opposites that compliment each other, but I think it's a balance of differences and similarities.
I highly prefer if the guy is straight edge-no drugs, no pills, no smoking, no herbs, no alcohol, no sniffing paint or whatever other substances to get high. how difficult is it to enjoy life sober? lol to each their own but the guy I'm currently interested in share the same views, so no clash there. I knew of a few weed smokers, and they were fun to talk to while they were high, but when they were sober, they were dull. not all are like this, but I prefer someone, who is normally fun and doesn't need substances to let go of their inhibitions.
I don't mind drinking in moderation, or even a bit more than moderation as long as it isn't verging on alcoholism. I don't even mind the occasional joint as long as I don't have to smoke it (marijuana and I are not friends; this is something I have learned. I do not enjoy the experience of being high and I do not enjoy sexual experiences while high). Taking certain prescription drugs (that are prescribed to me) and then having fun with a partner is awesome.
But I draw the line beyond that. I've been with people who have done harder drugs and I don't like the people they become. I've hung around people who have done harder drugs who have been in relationships with close friends of mine and seen how much hardship it's caused. I've been with people who have been borderline or full blown alcoholics and I never want to go through that again. It's not worth it for "fun" in the bedroom because it often gets out of control, and not in a good way.
I think the best sex happens when you're sober and you care to some degree about the person you're being intimate with. It actually becomes a sensual and sexual experience. Does that mean it has to happen that way all the time? No, of course not. But it doesn't mean you should be fucked out of your mind every time you have sex. That's not any kind of a [healthy] relationship.
If they have an addiction to getting high, no matter what method, then that will be a problem. I wouldn't have a problem with someone who smokes weed even just once a day, does things like acid/ecstasy/shrooms etc., or drinks socially. In fact I would love to join them, I think it would be a cool bonding experience lol. But if they do hard drugs, that's a deal breaker.
i won't mix the two and i don't believe in mixing the two. i've never used drugs either. my question is if sex is better when you're high, if you're high, how would you even remember?
I prefer a guy who does no drugs except alcohol - and only drinks in moderation.
I myself have only drank. I started messing around one time while drunk but passed out in the middle of giving a hand job.... So I've never had drunk sex.
I hated it when my ex was high, it was the worse
Alcohol is a drug.
I've had drunk sex and it blew normal sex out the water, i smoke up and do mushrooms sometimes but im way too fucking scared to fuck while im high.
I knew a girl who just couldn't enjoy sex if she wasnt high because it was THAT much better (given she was an ice and heroine addict).I just dont want to push it and ruin a good thing haha.
How to solve interpersonal issues with someone: take Ecstasy. That is all.
I love drunk sex. Idk if i've had sex after weed. I haven't done any other drugs. but i fucking wnant to.
the only person i ever met on okcupid said they "drink socially" on their profile but was a complete alcoholic, not to mention almost nothing else they said they were. people ALWAYS lie on it. i guess that's the internet in general, but especially on okcupid, it's so creepy knowing it's true. it's also worth mentioning that anyone who's really active on okcupid is butt ugly.
@HowDoesItFeel - there are a few hot people, but take this chick for instance... she has some crooked ass teeth and is *badly* in need of a nosejob. but no one posts on datingish who is hot. :shrug:
I have a slightly different take on this. Most people here seem to think it's either great or its terrible, I'm somewhere inbetween. The very reason I started using drugs was for sexual purposes. Fucking on coke? It was amazing, I loved it but I wouldn't do it again. Sex after drinking? Also amazing, in a different way. I liked it for being able to lose my inhibitions and just enjoy the moment, it was a good way for me and my SO to be more comfortable with each other when our relationship was still in the "get to know you in bed" stages. I can even admit that I used to abuse dxm (Nyquil, Robitussin) and even though that was probably my best experience for having sex...again, I wouldn't do it now. In that case, I liked the never ending energy and being able to go for hours. But, of course, that depends on how your SO feels about it. Like an above poster said, some people don't want to go for hours. It's understandable and I respect that. I've never smoked up after sex, so I don't know about that one. I could go on and on about the perks, unfortunately, but I do want to cover why I don't like it as well.
Most importantly, you can get hooked. I did and I'm not proud of it, but it took me 4 years to dig myself out of that hole. I ended up losing memory of a good portion of my 16-19 years because most of it was spent fucked up in some way or form. I'm happy for some recreational users who can keep it under control but I, myself, will not chance it. Amazing sex isn't worth the addiction, if it does happen to get out of control.
If you and your SO want to try certain drugs together and you both have the same interests at heart (whether or not it's a one time thing, or something you want to try semi-often) I say go for it. It's definitely an interesting experience. Just be careful, is my advice. It isn't as harmless as some make it seem, but it's also not a terrible thing to want to experience.
i would say alcohol is a drug.
Boyfriend and I have drank, smoked pot, and done mushrooms together. All good experiences, particularly the latter.
I smoke pot pretty often but school is ALWAYS a priority above all things. Work, also.
LSD, mushrooms, and ecstasy.
@xcrownedhopeless - sex on cocaine is really weird because you fuck like crazy but can't feel anything and it takes forever to come, I usually can't come at all.