Dear someone who is not interested in another who express interest in them:
The next time you think about "being nice" or "letting down someone easy," you should instead just go with telling them how it is. If you are not attracted to them in the same way they are attracted to you, tell them that. It's a lot better than making some excuse like "I don't want to ruin our friendship" or "I plan to be single for a while."
The latter happened to me and I understood. What I didn't understand was how about a week after you told me that, you then got into a relationship with another guy. It wouldn't be so hard for you to tell me you're not attracted in that way. I would say okay, take a few days, get over and then continue our friendship. No hard feelings would have happened if you just told me how you really felt, or not felt at all. And now, I have a little bit of bitterness inside me.
As a plea to anyone who will be in this situation, if you are not feeling the same attraction as someone expressed to you, just tell them exactly how you feel. It will hurt a lot less than any excuse you will give. It will save both of you a lot of time and frustration. There's no shame in telling the truth and many people will appreciate it.
Sincerely,
The Duckie
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Comments (23)
How about getting a clue?
It isn't up to a woman who has no interest in you to communicate in the way you think she should communicate.
Everyone has their own way of communicating.
So the next time a woman says, "I plan on being single for a while," you now know what she really means.
@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace@xanga - Why should you make someone guess with no indication of where it is going? There is a big difference between "I plan on being single for a while" and "I have no interest in dating you." It is the very idea of being direct and straight to the point rather than sending mixed signals.
@laytexduckie@xanga - "I have no interest in dating you," is mean and tactless.
Classy women tend not to communicate in such a crass way.
If you have an interest in classy women, you need to learn about them.
You should feel fortunate that you were rejected by someone who cared about your feelings and respected your intelligence enough so as to say, "No," in a more gentle way.
@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace@xanga - There's a difference in be gentle and then being misleading. What happened between and her was saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite. Saying "I want to be single for a while" and then getting into a relationship with someone a week later is misleading. Simply saying, "I am not attracted to you in that way" is the best way to put it, because it is in pure honesty while still remaining tactful. That is what I prefer instead of the example I said before.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Like I said in a previous comment, women communicate in their own way. And in general, there are things people say that are actually code for something else.
"Can't we just be friends," is an example of that.
It's another way of saying, "I am not interested."
@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace@xanga - At least with "Can't we just be friends?" is more direct and understandable, which I would get right away. With "I wanna be single for a bit" leaves that gray area of hope and possibility, whereas "I am not interested" puts away all doubt or "what ifs."
I understand that they have their own way of communicating. All I am saying is that they need to be a little more assertive with the point that they are trying to make.
she might've been confused. or just met that guy last week ha ha.
thats how i am often. if ever i wasnt honest i instantly regretted it- creates lots of unnecessary stuff
also being real doesnt make me "crass" it saves me a fucking lot of time, and hopefully something people can respect me for.
people can say things honestly, if they pan it out well. i wouldn't just go "oohey im not into you"... it has to be more like "thanks for everything you've been an amazing friend i dont see us dating since i dont think we connect at that level but i still want you in my life if thats what you'll be okay with"
so really 1) say something positive and honest 2) get right to it. what the message is they need to connect 3) say where you want things to go. do you want to be friends, do you want a future? , do you want to end all communications? what
tying up loose ends. thats what classy women do
I understand you're hurt but what if she was sincere? What if she truly wanted to be single but then met some guy who changed all that? Or later on realized feelings for someone else she's known for a while. That kind of stuff does happen.
I agree with you. Those kinds of sayings are just little white lies. Take note of them because people unfortunately use them all the time. People deserve honesty. Instead you were turned down and lied to so it hurts twice as bad. Good luck!
I've tried direct approach to cut through the BS and with the most gentle intent and was met with either persistence or hostility for not evening giving it a "Second thought" about "us" which there was none.
I've tried hinting out or taking them out of the equation and blaming it on my work or lack of interest IN dating; again, was met with persistence or hostility. IT just works differently with the receipient; if they want to respect your boundaries and needs a CLOSURE in pursuing you with some grey hopes, then you get to the point of it. If they have been persistent, even though you WERE to the direct point and without being tactless or mean, then they don't want to figure it out, they're just being stubborn.
agreed. i have done this and saw it hurt the dude so i started just telling guys i wasnt into them... yet they still persist! ill never understand it. lol. i guess its the whole wanting what you cant have. but agreed duckie! just let people have it, be it male or female! cuz many guys are soooo guilty of this too. we all are. damn the human mind.
@kor_girl@xanga - @ShirleyD@xanga - It's the same thing as, for example, a girl who thinks she can change a bad boy. And sometimes, I feel that being persistent is a double-edged sword. Being too persistent will drive them away whereas not being persistent enough will make them think you weren't really into them. Depending on the person, it can really annoy them or it shows that they really, really want them. I guess, if it calls for it, you just have to straight out very bluntly say to their face, "I am not into you. Stop asking."
I agree with this and also the same way people lie in their relationships while they're cheating and dump their current for that new person. All those cowards out there who can't tell the truth and have to do shady crap make me want to hurl.
Every girl is going to have a different way of saying that they aren't interested. Maybe this girl you had feelings for wasn't a very nice girl after all in the respect that she dosnt care about expressing her feelings in such a way that it wouldn't hurt someone else. Maybe it is better that you ended up without her, she might be treating the person she's with with as little disregard to their emotions as she has treated you. I'm sorry you had to interact with such a person, but end the end it was her loss. You didn't loose anything in this situation, only came out gaining knew knowledge of this girl you didnt have prior.
The truth is always better to hear. Its ugly but its better then telling lies.
@sleeping_on_the_edgeoftheworld@xanga - Actually, I'm in a situation kind of like this. I'm going to have to confront this guy in my Bio lab class Thursday that I don't really have feelings for him after we went on a coffee date. It was really bad, so bad in fact I think he was only interested in me at first because he didn't know my personality, but after that date and our zero chemistry, I think HE lost interest as well! :P Funny how infatuation works. And hey there's plenty of other fish in the sea
I feel sympathy for the poster. Don't worry the older you get the better you will be at reading women and the better they will be at communicating how they feel in an honest but polite way.
Sure saying I'm not interested in you bug off is mean. I don't if it's much nicer than ways women deal with these kind of situations sometimes like refusing to talk to a friend for a month because they're afraid of what to say as was actually done to me by a girl who was incredibly nice but also very immature at the time.
It's definitely true that men have far more of a stomach for rejection than most women give them credit for and sometimes that leads to a harsher rejection than intended. It's also true though that women have different ways of communicating and typically don't feel comfortable with the straightforward way men tend to deal with tough situations.
All that said if you're having this conversation chances are you have some level of relationship which means she owes not lying to you if nothing else. Though she might of not intended as a lie at the time.Hopefully that doesn't leave more confused than when you started. If nothing else though take solace that these kinds of situations will get easier.
Dude, don't take this the wrong way but move on... you're starting to sound like a girl.
I couldn't agree more. I prefer someone to be straight out blunt with me than trying not to hurt my feelings and feed me some bs lines. Neither way, rejection hurts and I'll move on.
people who lead others on >_> hmph
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