In terms of sexuality, even the most liberal of us often prefer to have definitive, black and white categories. That's why identifiers such as male or female, gay or straight, are so significant towards labeling a person in our society; when people cross boundaries, they are often faced with violent or aggressive consequences. As this article analyzes, the reason for needing to define sexuality in such concrete terms is often driven by social attitudes, a need for authoritative answers, or a need for cognitive closure. But sexuality among individuals is much more complicated, diverse, and layered than simple one-word, all-encompassing definitions. This is one of the joys of being a sexual being.
I read a well-known
psychological study which asserts that humans have neurological systems corresponding to attraction, attachment, and lust. Interestingly, these systems can and quite often do work independently from one another. Therefore, a person can be wildly turned on by one person, genuinely committed to another, and having lusty fantasies for a third. Sexuality can consist of a blend of preferences and attitudes that would seem contradictory when attempting to squeeze them into definitive terms. I found this study to be extremely fascinating because it in certain ways challenges assumptions of monogamy as an innate, primary model that should suit most people.
In more individualistic terms, this study means that we should not necessarily feel bad for fantasizing about people other than our SO, or being attracted to a variety of people even when in a relationship. That doesn't mean we should act on these attractions, but can we be upset at SO's for indulging these natural impulses? I know many people who prefer to avoid this subject or extinguish any extraneous impulses outside of their relationship.
What do you think? Can you be in a relationship and feel lust and attraction for other people? Would you be comfortable with your partner exhibiting this behavior?
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Comments (19)
Great piece! I actually don't think of monogomy as being innate or natural for humans. On many levels, we have to accept that our partner will not be monogomous, especially when you extend the idea to looking at someone else with lust or enjoying porn, rather than "cheating" physically. We, as humans, though, have a capacity for control and understand moral obligations: We can exhibit the self control to be 'technically' monogomous (as in there is no physical sexual contact with others when married or commited.) As for me, I would accept a mistake, or fall from grace, if you will, as we all have that lust center in our brains. I would hope my partner would understand the difference as well What's important is the emotional, long term commitment. Cheating, on a deep emotional level - as opposed to a phsyical level only -- when there is a vested relationship, such as a long term marriage, is not as forgivable or, I suspect, as common.
I currently am in a situation where I'm in a relationship but have lustful feelings and attractions towards another. No one can help how they feel about a person. Some would say otherwise. You can't control what your brain or body feels. It's a natural thing. The question is: will you act upon these feelings. I wouldn't hold it against my partner if he had feelings for another. I wouldn't be particularly happy but what can one do about it? We're only human.
that's probably why people shouldn't date someone, who they aren't sexually attracted to unless they are both asexual and aware of this before becoming serious, because they might be emotionally attached and committed to the person, but the sexual attraction or lust isn't there, so they might wander. I'm not excusing cheating whatsoever but that's why I don't settle and will only be with someone on a serious level when I've found that the person encompasses nearly everything that I'm looking for in a partner. it depends on the individual and what type of relationship or fling or fwb or whatever else they are looking for and that both parties are aware of the terms. I don't mind if either of us simply find other people attractive and glance for a few seconds to admire their looks, but actively engaging a third person in a flirtatious manner is not appropriate. he can have female friends but if they constantly talk in flirty ways than as a platonic friend, then there's a problem. if my s.o. becomes obsessed with another person while in a committed relationship with me and constantly fantasizes about another or more people, and looks forward to talk to another than me, then that's a problem. fleeting fantasies are fine but lustful obsession is different. if that's the case and the person knows that he/she has no self control and wants to be with more than one person, then don't string someone along in a committed relationship, but go have whatever flings they desire while not selfishly hurting someone else.
As you stated, having these feelings is normal. Just because I am committed to someone, that doesn't make it so I never find ANY other guy besides my SO attractive. I can still admire some and yes, even lust after some. It's all about whether or not you decide to ACT on these feelings. Will I get mad at my bf for checking out an attractive girl who walks by? No. Will I get upset when I find out he's lusting after Megan Fox or Emma Stone? No. But will it be ok for him to act on these feelings and make out with some other girl while we are in a relationship? Hell no. We can both look and even dream, but no touching.
Personally I found this to be common sense. Not necessarily the intricacies behind it but I always hear about people becoming concerned when their attracted to someone else whilst in a relationship. It happens, that's life. If your that concerned or insecure about your SO having a notion of attraction towards someone else...you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them or at all. The key is to not act upon them. Or better yet when you get that notion of lust, attraction, or what have you, go relieve that tension by yourself or with your SO. In short, you still don't get a pass for cheating and it's still wrong.
I think @P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga raises a good point. If your not sexually attracted to the person your probably better off not being in a relationship with them, because that's not something that's likely to change anytime soon, or possibly not at all.
Your body has natural impulses and feelings but what differs us from other species is that we possess the level intelligence (theoretically) to choose to act upon them or not. And if your struggling, remember, "This too shall pass".
I am attracted to everybody, haha, seriously, I've a bit of attraction to a guy at work because he is so sweet, I'm literally attracted to his sweet nature, he does look like a donkey turned into a human being though, lol, I don't even care. I am monogamous to my boyfriend, but I can't help finding all sorts of things attractive in other people. Lmfao.
Sounds like it's all been said already, so I'll just add my two cents explaining why I'm more than okay with my partner "exhibiting this behavior." <--(loving the animalistic undertones of that)
It's called "sperm competition" and while typically demonstrated by males, the psychological outcome can be demonstrated by females just as well. Basically, merely knowing that there is competition makes a man more fertile and possessive when it comes to his woman. He fights for her. More passion = better chemistry, better sex, stronger love.
My boyfriend does this with me an awful lot. XD He'll let me flirt to the ends of the earth and then jump me. I do the same thing with him--showing him off, bragging him up, letting the girls all gather. And then I reel him right back. We both get a kick out of it. And the best part is, so far none of this has caused so much as the slightest rattle in the relationship so far! It just works for us. (Wouldn't recommend it for everyone, though! Especially if you have a negatively jealous streak!)
Hey, fun idea! Everybody read "Sex At Dawn" by Christopher Ryan! It's got an interesting Darwinian take on promiscuity and monogamy, and why both of them are perfectly natural for various people.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/per.843/abstract
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Yes you can feel attraction toward other people. Exhibit it? Not so much. People are attractive, you are human but also a taken human. Act accordingly.
@GettingClosertoFine@xanga - I'm fascinated by this relationship you have with your boyfriend. It sounds like a really good way to keep each other interested, but I'm a bit confused on the context of the flirting. Is this flirting done right in front of each other? I'm imagining that's the only way it would work, because him flirting behind closed doors, away from your eyes (texting, emailing, online chatting) wouldn't be as effective as turning you on, right? Unless you access his texts or something...
@xxSilverxWingsxx@xanga - Actually, it's about 50/50 of watching/not watching. For me (I've never directly asked him, so I can't vouch for him) the attraction comes from other people wanting him. It makes me feel good to know that I have such a prize, and it makes me want to touch him and /own/ him even more. So I don't really need to watch directly. He does let me watch for my benefit sometimes though, like at parties and such. When I say that I reel him back in, it's like... Less stepping-dramatically-between-them and more like reminding him why he chose me in the first place, haha. XD He'll sometimes jab at this sensitive spot with me by saying things like, "Oh, I met this really amazing girl at work today. She seemed to really like me. Yeah, we're going for coffee later. Don't worry love, it's just as friends, but she is pretty gorgeous..."
Cue, um... "reminding". Heh.
So again, don't have to be there for it to work.
I don't understand how sexual attraction and lust can be separated, but I guess it can, lol. Anyway, I'm attached to, sexually attracted to, and lust for my boyfriend. :) So I guess I picked a good one, lol. I hope he feels the same way about me, surely, hopefully.
a friend of mines is dating his gf of 6 years and was lusting over another girl so he actually ended up cheating on his gf with the other girl. i asked him why he cheated, he said that it's bc he loves his gf and she's someone he would like to be married to one day but he just thought the other girl was so hot, he wanted to see how she was like in bed. i believe it can exist, but you have to control it if you don't want to cross the lines of cheating.
This is a great post, but I feel all of those things for my SO. He's a friend I can talk to about anything, I trust him completely; but we also have so much passion. And I want to jump him every chance I get. lol
it is human nature to be attracted to other people no matter what. it is how you act on those feelings that matter
There is always going to be temptation in monogamous relationships. However, the way I see it, if your partner loves you, he/she will have enough respect to not act on it. I think when love starts to die is when the relationship is in big trouble. Oftentimes, cheating happens when there are problems in relationship.