Wednesday, 14 September 2011
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Getting the Guy and Keeping Your Morals
This post was submitted anonymously.
I am 25 years old and a virgin. I didn’t think I would be at this age but here I am. I have never been in love, and promised myself years ago that I would be in love. This isn’t something that I’m ashamed of but it has most certainly hindered my dating life. The last guy I dated found out a few weeks into the relationship that I still had my v-card, made some BS excuse, and broke up with me.I can accept that he is a loser and move on with my life, except this issue keeps coming up. I am finding that the older I get, the more of a problem it is. Guys are “okay” with it for awhile, but it doesn’t matter how many times we get to third base, they want more. I am not willing to freely give it away.
Here is my issue. I met the greatest guy last weekend; he is cute, smart, funny, and I am just so lucky that he thinks the same thing about me. We texted a few times last week and then saw each other this weekend. He was really sweet as we were making out and halted everything because he could sense my hesitancy.
I want to do it right with this guy. I don’t want to discuss the v-card too soon, but I am tired of getting into relationships and getting broken up with because guys don’t want the “responsibility”, or to be with someone who is less experienced.
What do you guys think? What is the right way to go about this? Is it possible to get the guy and hold onto my morals?
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Comments (105)
Its most definately possible to get a guy and keep ur morals whatever those are for you. You should read the book "The Four Man Plan"..
You just need to find a guy who isn't willing to force you to give it up if you don't want to yet. There are guys out there who can respect that decision and still stay with you. You just need to find them. I guess bring it up when you get a little more serious with each other and when the topic of sex comes up in serious conversation.
only if it feels right to you but also, you shouldn't think about it too much. Because really, the marginal value makes no difference.
I'd say, 'Let it naturally progress.' If you don't want to lose your virginity yet, so be it. If the guy you're with isn't happy about it, move on. However, if you do want to lose it and scared he might jump out of the relationship bc you're a virgin, all I can say is if he genuinely cares for you, he will take it slow and go with the pace that you are comfortable with. If he's not willing to wait or freak out and left, at least you didn't have to kick him out of the door. They're doing you a favor, hon. Good luck.
sweetheart, you're not going to be young for forever. you were allowed to have these ideals when you were 16. not anymore. what's wrong with sex, anyway? is it a religious thing? i gather from your post that it is not. i'm also confused as to why you can go to 3rd base but not all the way. it's all the same thing--you're naked with someone else, who is getting you off (or vice-versa, or both).
at your age, you have limited options:
-you get with a guy who's significantly younger--like in the 18-19 range--and quite frankly, most guys that age will be intimidated by you since you're older.
-you get with a guy your age who's inexperienced, or even a virgin, since a virgin likely has the same ideal(s) as you. but in 99.9999% of cases, if a guy is a virgin at age 25, it's probably because he's completely fucked up in the head or otherwise not worth being in a relationship with.
-you get with a "normal" guy and don't tell him beforehand you're a virgin.
think about it this way: you can't blame your experiences on the guys. i don't think i know a single girl who'd date a 25 year old male virgin.
if it makes you feel any better though, i would date you and respect what you want, and would even consider it a privilege to be your first.
You know the way you make that work? Find a guy with the same morals as you. Especially in this instance. Talk to him about it. I know you said you don't want to bring it up so early. But honestly if you don't want to be broken up with again because the guy thinks he's going to get lucky with you and then you tell him you're a virgin and you don't want to do it right away, that's being dishonest.
You are putting sex on a pedestal where it doesn't belong.
The reason why those guys break up with you isn't because they are losers
it's because you are framing sex as a gift
It's not a gift.
It's an experience that two people share.
I really don't get why there is so much revulsion towards girls who still have their virginity. I kept mine until I was 24, simply because I didn't want to hand it up on a silver platter to any Tom, Dick and Harry. I wanted to give mine to a special guy. Unfortunately, he didn't turn out to be as special as I thought he was, and I left him as soon as I realized this. My second boyfriend was impressed by my super low number, and he told me that he has a higher level of respect for me because of it. He actually wishes he was my first.
Point is, there are guys out there who will respect you for your decisions, and if they don't, you really don't need them. That only indicates that they are immature and not ready to handle the responsibilities of a long-term relationship (which I'm assuming you're looking for). Trust me, there is a multitude of concerns that vastly outweighs the v-card issue. If they can't handle this one thing, how are they going to handle the trials and tribulations of a steady relationship?
Yes you can! Find someone who shares your morals and respects your decisions. If you're with someone who doesn't, he isn't right for you. If he can't respect your feelings and choices in this situation, it's a bad omen for your relationship in general.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - sigh, the complexities of life and expectations from society. :/
Don't compromise yourself. If you want to be in love when you have sex, then by all means wait for it. I was my boyfriend's first. You aren't alone. Other virgins your age exist. If you're afraid he'll leave because you're still a virgin, just don't bring it up until you're sure he really cares about you. It's not a conversation to have early in a relationship if you aren't comfortable with it. My boyfriend actually lied about his "number" because he was ashamed of his virginity. Later, when he realized how much he did care for me (well before we had sex) he told me that he was a virgin and that he didn't tell me before because he was afraid I would think him less of a man. Obviously that wasn't the case.
Keep your values, no matter how silly others think they are. Hold true to yourself. You will find a man who appreciates you for it.
It really depends on how you frame it. If you say you only have sex when you're in love, but don't say whether or not you've ever been in love, then hopefully a guy will respect that.
It really annoys me how some many people seem to have a problem with being a virgin after a certain age. If you don't have a problem with it, then it's not a problem. It's your life, and you need to do what works for you. I lost my virginity at 28. There's nothing wrong with me. If someone else wants to think there is, fine. But I'm the one living my life inside my skin, so I'm the one who has to be cool with it. And I am.
mehhh. the guy who broke up with you might have been a loser (for reasons i don't know), but i wouldn't call him a loser for breaking up with you because you're a virgin. you have your preferences, and he has his.
stupid post is stupid
amazing!! and the right guy will APPRECIATE that so much no good guy wants a used and abused girl . :)
anything's possible.
"I have never been in love, and promised myself years ago that I would be in love." You are 25 and never been in love? I feel worse for you about that than for the lack of sex. Why can't you love?
if he breaks up with you because they are frustrated that you won't have sex with them due to your personal choice and morals, then good riddance to those guys. you deserve whatever it is that you're looking for.
@wyrdkismet@xanga - life is hard, isn't it...
just because a guy wants sex doesn't mean he's a loser.
maybe you haven't been in love because you don't allow yourself to fully give yourself to someone (grow to love them, THEN have sex). if you're so dead set on not having sex, maybe that's the reason you have not been in love. if you're more open to sex, then maybe you'll allow yourself to be in love.
I feel like this post is a little unclear. you should not have to give up your morals, but you should understand what they are and why.
are you waiting until marriage? if so, that should be discussed with each guy immediately. That way if a guy can't handle that you get rid of him before you get attached to him.
if you feel it's morally wrong to have sex before you're in love, that's fine, but understand that most people aren't like that so it is going to make things difficult. sometimes what's right isn't what's easy.
I do wonder why you haven't been in love yet at 25. Perhaps you're not letting others in emotionally? or you're expecting too much? or maybe you have and you are expecting love to be something more amazing than it is (it would seem to me that's not possible, even unrequited love is amazing, but you never know)? just speculating, I don't have much to go on. maybe you just haven't met mr. right yet.
so basically: question why you believe what you believe and why you're doing what you're doing. if you still think you're doing the right thing, sorry honey but you're just going to have to keep doing what you're doing and hope for the best.
meet a guy at church?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Hey, I on the other hand, know MANY girls who would date 25 year old virgins. I myself would too. It really doesn't matter a single bit. (and no, we're not religious.)
To OP: Rest assured, the guy who deserves you will love you and respect you whether or not he gets sex from you.
I'd rather date a virgin, but once you get over the age of 18, they're pretty rare.
@testyman666@xanga -. Sex is actually a gift and a lot of men accept that such as my boyfriend. It should be with the right person or else in the long run it makes you feel like shit. I got pressured into having sex with an ex and I was super depressed over it for a long time. My boyfriend and I waited 8 months. It's considered "making love" in my opinion then.