After my failed attempt of telling someone I liked them from my recent post "Dating Politics," I noticed that our friendship seemed to have changed.
I've talked to her a day after I told her how I felt about her. One of the things I mentioned was that I understood her decision to be single right now and that I hope it doesn't create any awkwardness between us. She told me to not worry about it because it won't be awkward, followed by a smiley face. I took it as a good sign and continued conversation with her.
I still comment on her posts on Facebook and I still chat with her when I see her online; I was still who I was before I told her I liked her. One of the things I noticed was that she hasn't been the same as she was beforehand. Ever since I told her I liked her, she stopped commenting on my posts. She doesn't sound as enthusiastic anymore when we chat. It just seems like the connection we had as friends just.... fizzled away.
Can I blame her? Not really. But, if she told me that things won't be awkward, how come she changed the way she communicates with me?
When one friend a while ago revealed to me that she liked me, I told her the honest truth that I only saw her as a friend. We still continued hanging out and still chat with each other. When I told someone a while ago that I liked them, they told me that they aren't looking for a relationship. We still hung out and had a great time as if nothing changed. But, not everyone is the same. And maybe, this is her way of allowing herself space between me and her. I guess I'm just a little concerned about scaring her away despite still being who I am. I'm giving her some space and maybe hoping she just needs to sort things out.
Why do you believe she changed the way she communicates with me? Am I doing the right thing by just continuing to talk to her? Or do I need to give her some more space and time to herself? Do you change the way you communicate to someone after they tell you that they like you?
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Comments (52)
No offense but have you still not learned that people, especially women, don't always mean what they say?
My suggestion would be to just stop talking to her for awhile, give her space. Inevitably it is going to make things a little awkward. In essence, give her the "Gift of Missing You". Don't comment anything and don't talk to her unless she initiates it, get on with your life.
I'm actually in a similar scenario. I had a very close, female friend of mine recently tell me that she came to the realization that she was attracted to me and thought of me as "Sexy". Up until this point I thought were lucky to be such good friends not have that sense of attraction that sometimes take place. To complicate matters she has a boyfriend as well. I told her that I just don't view her in that sense and we both agreed that it would be a bad idea to pursue anything. It appeared mutual but I obviously knew there was going to be a brief period of awkwardness and some time for distance between us. I just keep living my life and when she's back to "normal" she'll come back around.
To answer the last question, I don't necessarily change my behavior. If I'm attracted to the person and they admit that they like me I may flirt a bit more but other than that there isn't much of a difference in how I act. I treat the person the same way irregardless of what's happened.
I'm just going to copy and paste a segment of an article I received from David DeAngelo on here, which will give you the exact answer you're looking for:
THE "INSTANT EWWW"
I'm always fascinated by the idea that we
humans don't always understand the message that
we're communicating to
others...
So often we think that just because we WANT to
communicate a
message, that others are going to
NATURALLY understand what we're trying to
say.
Have you ever seen a guy in a foreign car that
has wheels on it
that cost more than the car
itself... with his stereo blasting... and
a
muffler that somehow AMPLIFIES the raw sound of
the 4-cylinder
motor...?
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don't
think that car
is communicating the message to
women that he thinks it is"...?
Yeah,
I have too.
Well here's the deal:
If you do something to "let a
woman know how
you feel"... but she isn't ATTRACTED to you, then
it IS
going to backfire.
It's going to trigger a feeling that I like to
call
the "Instant Ewww".
The "Instant Ewww" is just as powerful as
the
physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.
Once a woman feels
it, YOU'RE DONE.
It's over.
It's like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE
into the
coffin.
Once a woman feels the "Instant Ewww", she
will
start behaving differently. In short, she'll
disappear.
So
where did I get the concept of the "Instant
Ewww"?
I got it from
WOMEN.
I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the
word "Ewww" when
describing how they felt about a
guy that was "confessing his love"... Of
course,
these were guys that weren't loved in return.
So, what causes
the "Instant Ewww"?
And why would a woman feel it towards a man
who
was trying to be nice... a guy who was giving
her a gift or telling her how
he feels?
Because if you think about it from HER
perspective, you'll
realize that the moment you
do something to "confess", you have created
a
TURNING POINT in the relationship.
Up until that point, you were
harmless.
I mean, women always know how men feel.
She already knew
you wanted her.
She knew it from the beginning.
But now that
you've started pursuing her and
talking about how you feel, you've created
a
NEGATIVE TENSION that is VERY uncomfortable.
You've triggered an
emotion that is repulsive
to women. And it does repel them.
In
summary...
You can't "make a woman like you" or "change
how she feels
about you" by doing nice things for
her...
Doing "nice" things for a
woman who isn't
attracted to you HURTS you. It backfires. Worse,
it
creates the "Instant Ewww" feeling that makes
it so she'll NEVER like
you.
Men make this mistake over and over again in
life because they're
doing what MAKES SENSE to
them. They're doing it because they don't have
an
understanding of ATTRACTION.
I mean, if you have a friend, and you
like
them, and you want to make them like you more...
and you do some nice
things for them, they will
probably like you more.
On the other
hand...
If you have a woman that you "like" in a
romantic way and she
doesn't "feel it" for you,
and you do something nice for her because you
want
HER to like you more, it will BACKFIRE... and she
will not only NOT
like you more, she will most
likely distance herself from you.
Guys
think that they need to communicate when
they like a woman... as if that's
part of the
necessary process of getting a girl.
In their minds, it
goes like this:
Like her -> Tell her you like her -> She
likes
you.
Well remember... if you follow this pattern
yourself
with women who aren't ATTRACTED to you,
then it's going to
BACKFIRE.
If she's not into you, then it goes like THIS:
She
thinks of you as a friend -> You tell her
you like her -> She gets the
"Instant Ewwws" and
never wants to be around you again...
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Hah, leave it to David D. to know best.
Maybe I just feel compelled to stick up for my gender but, I think saying "women don't always mean what they say" is alittle unfair. Yes, it does hold some truth, but just because she said one thing and another happened doesn't mean she didn't genuinely want your relationship to remain unchanged. Could it mean that she tried and it turned out being awkward anyways? Definitely. You're the only one who knows the full extent of your friendship with this girl.
I do think the above has a good idea though. Give her time to miss you, time to see what it's like not having you around as often. It doesn't mean completely ignore her or even her posts, but you don't want to seem obsessive and comment on everything she says. Trust me, she'll notice and it'll increase the awkwardness. Let her initiate conversation. If she doesn't try to (after you have been all this time), then I'm sad to say that I honestly don't think it's worth it. She has to put some effort too. Not even in a relationship, but a friendship is a two way street too.
To answer your last question, I try not to change but sometimes depending on who it is, I might. I had one friend in high school who was convinced he was so crazy in love with me for the longest time. At first, after he told me, I told him I wasn't interested but he was a great friend. It went fine from there for a couple of months but after, his parents encouraged him to pursue me, and even my mom did. After he started writing me love letters and dropping by my house almost every day, I lost interest in even being his friend. You can't smother a person and hope that'll win over their affections. You go have to give them space. Real space. Good luck!
She was being nice. I've been in her situation and it IS awkward when someone tells you they like you and you don't feel the same thing towards them. There's no real getting around that. Maybe she thought that it wouldn't be awkward. Maybe she thought she'd be able to deal with it. But I can't blame her for acting differently. It's also possible that she doesn't want to lead you on, so is being overly restrained with you.
eh, she doesn't want to lead you on. If I were to do that, I would think, "oh, I don't want him to think I am actually interested."
Now, I would stop commenting/chatting her up - 1) It would let her know what if she missed the attention from you 2) She may find it "annoying" (and I use that word VERY lightly) because now she sees it coming from a crush instead of a friend.
I've been on both sides, actually.
I was really good friends with John* and when he told me he liked me, I told him I didn't like him that way. He then proceed to tell me I was leading him on. Wtf? How can I lead him on when I didn't even know he liked me? Oh, whatever. Afterward, I distant myself from him just bc of the whole "you lead me on" thing.
Another friend also told me he liked me and wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I told I didn't like him and I distant myself from him. Why? Bc I didn't want to hang/talk to him like we usually did when I know he feels something more for me. I didn't want to give him empty hope.. I guess.
I guess it really depends on the person and the situation. I can't speak for her, but perhaps she has her own reasons to distant herself from you.
an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. you shouldn't have told her you liked her in the first place. that takes the mystery out of things. no use crying over spilled milk, of course, but there's no harm in trying to prevent this from happening in the future.
as for what to do in this particular case, i generally drop someone after this kind of thing. i meet enough people that i don't get attached to any one particular girl.
>Can I blame her? Not really. But, if she told me that things won't
be awkward, how come she changed >the way she communicates with me?
Most
girls don't have the same standards of communication as men. Integrity
is irrelevant. I wouldn't believe a word out of their mouths unless it
has action behind it.
Her action is a repulsion. Move on immediately...this IS NOT RECOVERABLE (worse than friend zone)
Dude, once you told her your feelings for her, you crossed the line of "no-return." Either she'll reciprocate or she'll avoid you... There's a thin line between friendship and everything else. Once you cross that line, you're either in or your out...
this is tricky. after something like that some girls just need space and dont view the "friendship" the same since you admitted feelings.
so i guess if she doesnt value you as a friend or just doesnt want any friends who could like her you could lose her. i think its kina immature but whatever who wants a immature "friend" anyways.
id just give her space and back up a little and see where things go from there
my stab at this is, is she doesn't want to lead you on? so she's pulling back. just keep it at a distant and don't really point out the change because it's going to make it more awkward.
I've been on both sides and I think it's ridiculous that girls (or guys) find it 'awkward' to be admired or to attract someone that they're already friends with. It's not like you proposed to her out of the blue. You found her interesting and attractive...how is that not a compliment...
In her place I would act differently (probably differently from 'before' but also more friendly than she is). However, given how she's acting, she's definitely giving you the cold shoulder and wants her space.
I would say...ask her about it, straight up. Just IM/call/FB message one day and say "look, we agreed to this and I took it at face value but clearly something has changed. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so I just need to know what you're really okay with." In my experience, if you go up to someone with a very upfront question or request like that, they're upfront with you. But, you have to be honest in this...if she tells you "never speak to me again," you'll have to do that. :/
@scribbles - I've found that 'awkward' lives in shadows and misunderstandings...if you bring it out in the light, it melts.
It really is incredibly difficult to stay friends once someone admits they have feelings for the other. My friend Chris and I are dealing with that now. I have a MAJOR crush on him, and he figured it out without anyone telling him. He said he didnt feel the same about me but said he wanted to still be friends.
A week later some incredibly dramatic stuff happened in my life. I needed help, and although I usually turn to my BFF in times like that I just couldnt this time around because she was involved. I knew Chris has been through some tough stuff, and I know he's a supportive friend, so I asked him to meet me for coffee one day. I poured my heart out for close to two hours, and ever since then we have been closer than ever. We went from friends-of-friends to best friends who text a million times a day.
ANYWAY, I think guys can be just as wishy-washy when it comes to the whole "I dont like you like that, can we just be friends?" thing. Plus guys can fall off the radar without a reason like that. I agree with most of the other people who have commented-she probably tried to not change things but couldnt help it and got too uncomfortable. Give her time-she might come around someday.
She probably feels uncomfortable at the moment, circumstances being the way they are. Sure, we can all say "Let's not let things get awkward" but saying it is by no means a solution to whatever we may be feeling. She might be trying to put some distance between herself and you, so you won't be led on, that you'll give up those feelings for her.
It doesn't mean you should stop talking to her, but I would say it's best to cut back on communication.
I have changed the way I communicate with someone after they tell me that they like me. I guess it depended a lot on how I saw our initial connection to be. Obviously I told the creepy friend-turned-stalker to go away and have ignored him since. But I've also told a good friend who recently told me that he likes me that I'd like to continue as the good friends we are, and we still communicate like we've always done. I guess it helps that we are both very very similar persons, so we don't want to lose each other.
oh yeah. she totally doesnt want to lead you on. or make you think you have any hope. i dont know why that isnt obvious.
now that being said... if you do have ANY chance at all... it'd be best to stop chatting her up so much if you can handle that. by pulling away, it'll make her think about what shes losing if she cares at all (might even make her think about the opportunity she passed up of potentially dating you).
if she doesnt seem to care you are pulling away, well then you dont need to keep her as friend anyway.
people want what they think they cant have. right now she knows she can have you.
If she kept being nice to you, she thought she would have been leading you on.
I don't blame her really.. a while ago when I told a guy I liked him, he confessed liking me too. I couldn't look him in the eyes the rest of that day because I felt it was wayyy too awkward, but he tried to make it less awkward because he hated seeing me uncomfortable. I did try to distance myself a bit from him, because I wasn't really interested in dating him; I just liked him.
Hum, it never really bothers me if I liked a dude and he didn't like me back or if he liked me and I didn't like him. Liking is nothing to me really, legit relationships are another. Too many crushes in life to count.
LOl.. she probably is just not experienced in that. I used to be a lot more like that, and I avoided the guys that showed any affection towards me that were more than friends. Now, I can handle it a lot better and I'm much more accepting of other peoples' feelings.
It could be that she does not want to lead you on.
Continuing the friendship as is might leave room for false hope, and some girls just don't want to be jerks.
I'm currently in a similar situation. I have a really good friend who I get along with fantastically...until one day, he told me he liked me. I have a boyfriend and he knows that, so it shouldn't even have happened to begin with. But, I still had to enforce the fact that I don't think of him that way. I TRIED being myself at first and tried pretending he never said anything...but, whenever I got enthusiastic or animated when we talked about anything, he thought it meant I liked him. Now, I feel like I can't act the same way around him anymore, because he'll read too far into an innocent smile and think that I'm returning feelings for him...when in reality, I'm just being the same goofy person I've always been.
It really sucks, because I feel like I've lost a good friend. I mean, we're still friends...but, it's not the same. And I don't think it ever will be again. :/
I think maybe there are several reasons why she stopped talking to you:
1. ) She only seen you as a friend and now she's afraid you'll want to pursue more with her, so she's trying to avoid you so she won't be put in a position where she will feel guilt for not accepting your invitation to date her
2. ) She didn't like you that much anyways
3. ) She doesn't want to put you in a position where you will be hurt
4. ) She doesn't want to seem like a bad person for denying your invitation so she's trying to avoid you more so your feelings won't come up again
5. ) She's busy
It could be numerous amounts of things but I thought guys did that more, no offense. Lol... the avoidance thing. I think maybe she just sees you as a friend or maybe not even that close of a friend because if she truly liked you as a friend she wouldn't stop talking to you. I think you should talk to her though and not assume stuff because she may just be busy! Maybe she doesn't know how to talk to you because she's afraid you haven't stopped liking her and she doesn't want to lead you on. It could be an array of things but I think you need to speak to your friend again. Is she online or a real life friend? I would say you should ask her and share your feelings that you feel like she's not as excited to talk to you anymore and apologize.
But you didn't do anything wrong! It takes a lot of courage and guts to tell someone you like them! So go you! I would say just talk to your friend and find out whats up before assuming lol cause assuming can make you think thats that aren't true and drive you mad so find out the facts FROM HER first because you may be surprised.
But whatever the outcome is, don't sweat it. By the way good post and interesting.
well, look at the bright side, at least she still response to you.
communication is always good.
even lies in this case, at least she care you enough to put in the effort to lie.
don't worry, it'll be awkward for a while,
but if you can still chat and stuff,
just don't cross the line again and you two can be friends again after a while :)
truth be told same thing happened to me just a couple weeks back.
i was the one who confessed to this girl.
after a couple days of silence and apologizing,
i just became invisible...