Monday, 12 September 2011
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More Than Friends vs. Friends With Benefits
Yes, another story of a girl and guy, where one wants more, while the other wants more but not of the same kind.
Him (let's call him Joe) and I have been friends for a good 9 years. We met in elementary, spent summers together riding bikes, playing cards and just having childhood adventures. I will always have that soft spot for Joe. When we went to high school we lost connection, only talking here and there. We met again once we got to university. We even had a few classes together.
Then I met my recent ex, and I sort of went under a rock becoming wrapped up in that relationship. My Facebook was deactivated and I rarely went on MSN. After the break up, I came back into the social networking world. Joe was still there. We started talking again. It is always me initiating the conversations. Sometimes it would die and sometime it would go on for hours.Now, Joe and I have a really weird friendship; we share details about our personal lives (sexual, farting, etc.). We are pretty close. But we haven't seen each other in SO long. I've had this on and off crush for him. When we were kids it was more definite, but as we grew up and talked it was more of "what if we did get together?" Lately when we converse his topics are more of a sexual nature; implying us having sex! I shared this with a mutual/close friend and she said That's just him. So I wonder, am I just another girl?
A part of me is holding out hope that maybe one day he will stop being blinded and realize I've been standing here all along waiting for him to frikken notice me. Another part of me is wanting to toughen up, realize we're just friends, and opt for the friends with benefits deal (it's been a while and I need some =\). And another thing is that he doesn't want to date until he's done with school. So clearly he's off the market.
I know in the back of my head I'm fooling myself but I keep holding out hope. I know it's silly, but should I opt for friends with benefits? (Disclaimer: In doing so I do not have any hopes that he will fall in love with me) I feel like if we did the friends with benefits, in the future he would only see me as a piece of ass and nothing more.What should I do? Is this a Don't shit where you eat scenario? How do you make friends with benefits work?
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- From: scribbles
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Comments (12)
Well I'll tell you this much I have seen the friends with benefits thing work out and fizzle out. I have a friend who had a friend with benefits...no one thought it would go any further than that and now they're married. On the other hand I have had friends with benefits that basically fizzled out and we weren't even friends anymore. Putting that all aside if he really started caring for someone he would pursue a relationship even if he was in school. What he means when he says he doesn't want a relationship while he's in school...he's not going to risk messing up his education for someone he doesn't feel is equally important to his schooling. So if you choose the friends with benefits route most likely you'll only be a piece of an ass and things will end up to where y'all aren't really even friends anymore...I mean there is always a chance of great things happening, but that's the exception, not the rule.
I would ask where you stood emotionally? Could you accept being a booty call? Would this ruin the friendship? I have had friends in the past that I have had numerous sexual experiences with, which either improved the friendship or ruined it all together. Do you plan on keep this guy in your future, whether you get married or in a serious relationship? Would you disclose to your partner that you and this guy had a fling? Just somethings I have experienced that you may want to think about. In short, are you willing to lose the friendship if things fall apart?
He won't realized that you've been standing there all along unless you tell him how you feel about him and potentially want something more out of your friendship (a REAL relationship; not a fwb relationship). In the mean time, if you know you have feelings for him, getting yourself involve in a fwb relationship with him is a bad, baaad, baaaaaad idea. Over time, you will start to get more emotionally attached and invested in him whereas he won't.
I rather have you tell him how you feel about him, get turned down (since he's not looking for a relationship until after college), and move on than put yourself out there in an emotional wreck with a fwb relationship with him. It won't end happy and you may end up losing a friendship as well.
Friends with benefits cannot work if you have a sincere relationship or friendship with the person. To have a friend with benefits it honestly has to be JUST and ONLY that. And honestly, if you are already thinking "maybe one day he will realize Ive been standing here the whole frekkin time" then - you can't say you aren't hoping for anything more. If you are going to have a fling, you gotta have it with someone you wouldn't mind cutting all contact with later, losing as a friend, etc. Because thats usually what it comes to.
Don't risk such a great friendship for sex, is basically what I'm saying. If you ever do get together, it should be because you are both ready to take your friendship to a relationship level. Otherwise, someone is going to just get hurt.
friends with benefits can be very complicated...unfortunately...i gotta say, as someone who's had a few friends with benefits in the past, i don't suggest going thru with this...that is if you really want to to keep this strange fun relationship and not lose it...s'up to you. gl.
oh man i submitted the post in the summer. :S
yeah i didn't go through with it; both the FWB or telling him how how i feel. The feelings were just a crush that dissipated and as for the FWB we talked for about it, it just never went down. So yeah pretty awkwardd. I gotta agree with all the commenters..fwb is a tricky situation and is not something you want to do when emotions are involved. Pros: you may get your sex and it could lead to something more. Cons: You will either loose a friendship that becomes really awkward or nonexistent or get really hurt. Thanks guys!
If he wanted more than fwb, he'd have made a move by now.
if you feel that way, get it from somewhere else. it will get sooo complicated i dont think it'll b worth it. dont do it! lol
I've seen plenty of friends with benefits situations work out. Sometimes they just end up getting what they want in the short term and becoming even closer as a result of hooking up, and sometimes they end up together. Most people I know who are married were friends with benefits once upon a time.
I'm surprised most people you know started as this, wow! I could see maybe one situation, but most people is something I'd never expect. I told myself years ago I'd never do friends with benefits and now I am one with one of my best friends. I don't know if it's the smartest decision in the long run, but it happened.
like i always say, it takes two to tango and if he doesnt do anything about it then theres obviously no hope
@scribbles:
The only way to make a FWB relationship work is to completely detach it from the friendship. I was in very similar situation, whereby I was completely in love with my best friend on 5 years, he knew how I felt and we were open about it, he never felt the same way - primarily because he was gay and failed to mention this to me up until last year. After that I still proceeded to sleep with him because I figured something was better than nothing. If you think you can do it, without getting more attached then go for it, but personally I believe you will get more attached and never be able to let him go.Hope it all works out !!