Sunday, 11 September 2011
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What Does it Mean to be Truly Over a Guy?
A few months ago, I was dating this guy Felix. It was my (and his) first relationship so it sort of broke my heart when he dumped me, claiming that he just wanted to be "friends." He looked really crestfallen so I thought maybe this was hard for him too. I spent the day crying with my girl friends and we had this girls only day where they took hours comforting me and whatnot.
Then I find out from his friend that he thought I was ugly and clingy. Apparently a lot of his friends thought he could have done better or something because apparently a girl who puts a lot of effort in her looks (FOR HIM) and grades wasn't the type for him, a guy who's failing a bunch of classes and only cares about his hair.
But anyways, it was hard for me to get over him because about a week and a half later, he goes and dates some other girl. Being the insecure and stupid girl I am, I started comparing myself to her. Sure, I had the "curves" and I was taller than her but I felt like I was a dwarf compared to a princess like her. She's red, a beautiful color that represents love while I was pink, a washed out imitation.
I avoided them at all costs. There were places where Felix and I would meet up to do our lovey dovey things and suddenly they were there and everywhere else. It was horrible. The thing is, I can't even avoid them because one of my more insensitive friends always goes to those places and she makes me talk to them every time we see them. I know that in some weird way, she cares about me but she's never had her heart broken before so she doesn't see how completely awful (I can't even find the word to describe the feeling) I feel every time I see them together.
Summer came and passed me by. They were still dating which for some weird reason made me feel depressed. Maybe it was because we dated for less than a month and they're still dating right now. In the beginning of the school year, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't get any classes with him. I'm okay with having classes with her although I'll keep forgetting my own value while I down myself more by just being in her presence.
It was alright at first. She's in one of my classes and has the same period lunch as me. I'm okay with it as long as I just don't see her. Then I see him and her together and they're sitting on the table next to us, snuggling together. I know that he knows that I'm there because he went to our table and talked to my friend while completely ignoring me. Sometimes I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve this kind of torture.
I'm over him (I think) because I don't have any feelings for him. Like if he came crawling back to me begging for my forgiveness, I wouldn't say "yes I'm sorry, let's get back together!" At the same time though, I kind of hate him and I don't think that means I'm over him because if I truly was over him, I'd have no feelings for him whatsoever. No love, no hate; just nothing, as if he was a stranger to me.
I think the first relationship/experience is something sticks to you for life, maybe that's why I feel like this. I used to be more outgoing and open to others and now I'm just inside this shell once again. I don't want to be that way. I just want to be me again before any of this relationship crap happened to me.
What should I do?
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- From: DesireClimax@xanga
- About Me: I like to sit down in the park and watch the scenery unfold before my eyes.
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Comments (33)
don't even bother with him
It'll take time to be you again before all this relationship crap happened to you. Just remember that he's not the last guy on earth and you will find someone who will love, respect, and appreciate you for you. It hurts especially seeing the one you care for with another girl not so long after the relationship ended, but just remember that it will only affect you if you let it. You are in control of your feelings and it's the way you choose to handle it that matters at the end of the day. Don't let this guy bring you down. You can do better than that!
i understand how u feel, by hating him or wanting him to come back for u again makes u feel better- but dun waste time on him anymore, juz go for some better guys and u would appreciate how lucky u are afterwards when he *really* comes back for u.
just consider it as experience. The first relationship is always hard to get over, you should not feel like youre not worth it. If anything he was a shallow punk. there are plenty of fish in the sea!
You're not over this guy. You need more time to yourself
I understand the confusion on whether or not your current feelings makes you "over him."
I would say, you are over him - in terms of not wanting to be with him again, realizing that there must be better out there, etc.
But just because you are "over it" doesn't meant that that wound can't still hurt. You can still have resentment for the person who caused the hurt, also. Its instinct to feel that way.
It's like, you can eat a certain dish, and get food poisoning. It doesn't mean you now hate that dish, you just cross it out of your life and make sure not to eat it again. But because it gave you food poisoning, you can resent the dish to an extent, because it made you sick and gave you doctor bills that you werent expecting and you just wish it had never happened in the first place.
You'll be fine, over all. And if I were you, I'd tell your friend how it makes you uncomfortable to be around him.
I think if you liked someone you will always have unresolved feelings. You may not ever feel "neutral" in your feelings, like he is a stranger or something. You'll probably feel like you're over him sometimes, and sometimes when you see him you may feel like you'e not over him at all. There is no official moment when you'e over him completely forever. It just takes time (and another guy helps) to move past it all.
I was in the same situation as you, but the girl was deliberately hitting on him during our 5 year relationship, but I was busy with my final exams. You just need a break and meet people new, then you'll find out he's not at all important! There will be pain every now and then.. and maybe after a year, when you think back. u'll just smile and you'll be glad it's over.
i hate to say this, but i'm sure you already
know since you stated it, that you'll always remember your first.
regardless of what happened, take it as a learning experience. that's
what dating and being in a relationship is all about. you'll eventually
know what you want and what to look for in a partner, but more so, be
comfortable and confident about who you are. it's hard, but i think it helps to meet new people and try to enjoy life.
First of all, your 'friend' who likes to have you self-provoke torture upon yourself is an asshole, and should be shot in the face.
You are not over him. Like you clearly said, to be over him means indifference. You wouldn't care anymore what he thinks of you and you wouldn't care how you compare to his current fling.
You were with him for a month :\ Probably just didn't work out. He and his amigos sound extremely immature. I presume from the way you talked about classes/lunch that you're in high school, not college. People usually stop acting so tactlessly mean after high school. I promise you that. Try to keep it in perspective. I know how hard it is to be an adolescent, but a few years from now, they probably won't know each other (or if they do it'll probably because they accidentally reproduced) and you'll have moved on to better things. Be glad you're not with an asshole who says shit about his girlfriend (or exes) to his buddies in the form of mean gossip. I wouldn't want to be with someone who talked that way about people who did them no wrong, whether it was about me or not. You seem like a sweet girl and you didn't deserve that.
As for Miss Beautiful, you need to just say 'fuck that, it doesn't fucking matter.' There will always be people who are prettier and better than you in one way (or many) or another. What you need to do is find what you enjoy, and what you're good at, and be the best, happiest, most self-sufficient person you can be. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Be your own best friend (especially considering your own friends seem to be insensitive assholes who don't have your best interests at heart).
This reminds me of my experience with my first real boyfriend, Nick. We were dating for 9 months (technically, not even nine months since he broke up with me the day before our anniversary) and when it was over, I felt like my world was ending. It hurt to breath and I couldn't even eat certain things (peanut butter mnms) because they reminded me of him. It's harder for you now because you're in high school, so everything is contained in a teensy space and you have to see them all the time. But my advice is this: realize your self worth. Realize how amazing and awesome you are. Remember how caring you are and how much you love your friends and family. Indulge in guilty pleasures (mine is anime and romance novels) and just pamper yourself. Also, get out as often as possible. Get away from them. Find new awesome hang out places. You have to know what it's like to be in a relationship with you before you can be in one with someone else.
And one day, when you're ready, you'll bring a new someone to all your new awesome hang out places. :)Elizabeth
this is pretty much the same predicament i'm in except he went for my friend.
You don't need a shallow guy like him. Use it as a learning experience and how to grow, but yeah, after some time you'll feel like yourself again.
I'm in this same predicament. You sound like you're still in hs? They're gonna break up sooner or later most likely, most relationships don't make it past hs.
The only time my mom made me go to school was the day after I got dumped by my boyfriend of 8 months, senior year of high school. April 4th. I was sick to my stomach, everything tasted like cardboard for a week, I don't know how I managed to finish my homework...
Breakups are hard. Feeling rejected is hard. It's hard to explain to yourself why you want this person who by all sensible metrics would be considered 'beneath' you (something I dealt with later). Finally, nothing anyone says will help...not time, not being told that you are better than that/him.
You aren't fully over him but you're well on your way; for example, I find "I wouldn't take him back" to be a huge step on that path, assuming you're being honest with yourself. For me, letting go that last little bit was a matter of both time and intellectual effort over my emotions. "It doesn't matter to me who he dates, or if he dates." I had to tell myself, each time. "We had our thing and it's OVER. Now, look at that cute guy." But different people deal with this differently.
Most importantly, I would say, work on your own sense of self-worth. List your good qualities/accomplishments for yourself. Set a challenge and accomplish it. Get a haircut (I think my self-worth is tied to my appearance less than a 'typical' girl's, but strangely, this always does wonders for me...) or a pedicure. Whatever makes you feel "I am a strong person, I can take on the world." When you're proud of yourself, what he and she thinks won't matter.
This totally reminds me of what happened to me. We'd dated for 4 months and he dumped me and said we could still be friends, but when I saw him in class, he'd totally ignore me and avoid me. When this happened, I felt heartbroken because it felt like I had been lied to. Like you, I felt like I saw him EVERYWHERE --things would remind me of him, places we'd been to, stuff he'd told me about. But you know what? As hard as it is to believe right now (because the wound is still fresh) it WILL come to pass. What you need to do is be happy--don't let him have the ego-stroking benefit of knowing that you're upset about the break up. Be happy, smile around him, surround yourself with your friends. He will see that "Hey... she's happy without me. She's not heartbroken without me." (And that's a bigger blow to him than anything you do can ever deliver to him. lol)
That's what I did. Eventually (and it took me a LOOOONG time to understand this), I stopped trying to be friends with him, but was always decent around him. Smiled, looked happy and totally comfortable without him. And even 9 months later now, he still avoids me and I'm totally over it.
As for your "insensitive friend", let her know that you are uncomfortable seeing and talking to him right now and that you need some time and space to get over the hurt feelings. Ask her to respect that. (In my situation, my ex was and still is friends with my friends so same as you, it was difficult for us to avoid each other. All you can do is SMILE IN HIS FACE when you see him. Seriously, it works. )
let him go and move on!
the good news? it doesn't stick to you for life, at least you won't hate him or feel bad about yourself forever.
the bad news? it could tend to make you wary in future relationships..
either way, this guy sounds like a jerk! :(
You will be over him when you can handle seeing him with another girl. I'm surprised you are this affected by it when you only dated a month....... buuut, I suppose that's another topic to discuss some other time. Anyway, when you can handle seeing him and/or her and/or them together without feeling resent, anger, hatred, sorrow/sadness, etc then you would be over him. You should be able to be happy for them for having found something good together. You and he tried, it didn't work, he found what does work. That doesn't make you inferior to her, it just means that someone else is out there for you. I'm also guessing that you're in high school? Don't sweat the small stuff.
I am best friends with some of my ex's. I've hooked them up with some of my girlfriends. I can tell when I'm over them when I can think of our past and smile/laugh, or when I help them try to get with one of my girlfriends. I want them to be happy too, and I shouldn't punish them for not wanting to be with me (or me not wanting to be with them).
Being completely over someone means you basically don't care and you don't have feelings of any kind toward that person. It will be as though he/she is just another human being inhabiting planet Earth; he/she will be just another random person.
You're not over him.
I think it makes it harder for you to get over him when he's most of the time at your presence with his girl.
But you have to think it this way: Him losing you is his loss.
So no need to feel all down and start comparing yourself to his gf.
The most effective way to ease all this is to live better than him. Do anything you can.
Being all depressed and feeling down doesn't help it at all. Just let yourself know that deep in there.
You know what you should've done? When he was at your table talking to your friend and completely ignoring you, you should've interrupted and called him out on it.
The more you're leaving it the way it is, the more you'll feel down and below.
Your friends should also be supporting you by giving you courage..
~Speaking from my experiences~
That friend you spoke about, yes, she does care a lot about you. She is trying to help you get over him, forget about him, move on and not let him and what he has done to you ruin/rule your life. And also try to show that what he does has no effect on you. At least, that is what I used to do. I did things like that because I did have my heart broken before and decided not to let it break again,so I stopped letting things get to me. And I thought that helping my friends do the same would help them in the long run. I dont know which works better. But like I said, that is what I did as a loving friend.
Two, Baby Girl, you are beautiful and smart! WTF are you doing with a low life such as him?! YOU deserve better. He will get what is comming to him-trust me. All the guys who only care about their hair and dont give a damn about school (girls too now) end up homeless druggies. You on the other hand, keep your grades up and put yourself first nomatter what and you will have the life everyone dreams of. Dont get dragged down to his level. In the end, you will be with a rich doctor and he will be with a crack pipe and occasional AIDS whore. :) (or something like that)
Thats just life. Choose wisely your mates.
What you're feeling right now is completely normal. You feel hurt, betrayed, and "less than" the other girl because he has undermined your confidence. But remember this: people can only make you feel like crap if you let them. So he dumped you and moved on to someone else. Big deal. You are obviously much better off without him and his negative vibe. If he's ignoring you, even better. Don't shrink away and let him make you feel worthless. Ignore him right back and make it a point to tell yourself, "What he thinks doesn't matter." The more you repeat this mantra, the more you will realize how true it is - and you can go on living as a better person without him.
This is a serious question, I'm not mocking you, but I am curious as to how old you are?
My definition of being over someone is being indifferent to them. I went through my first real relationship break up a little over two months ago, andI am just about over him. I was sad at first, with the crying and not wanting to do things. Then the sadness faded and eventually comes the anger towards that person. I think you're truly over someone when you almost forgive them for everything and you're indifferent. I will not date my ex again because of the things he did to me, how he hurt me, etc, but I don't hate him, I'm not sad and I'm not angry. I don't want him, but I would be okay with seeing him. Reaching indifference is being over someone, in my opinion. Here are my tips for you: Do not go to the places him and his girlfriend go to. Some people will tell you don't let that person change the things you do in your life but ya know what? In order to get over someone, I believe you need space and you need to pamper yourself and find as much space as possible by avoiding the hell out of them. Tell this friend, "No, I'm not going there." Be firm. You don't want to, so don't. If you have facebook and "creep" him, stop it. I did that too, and I have always hated the phrase, "ignorance is bliss" but coming out a break up that you are seriously struggling with, it'll help to not know what him and this girl are doing, what he's doing etc. I suppose you three go to the same school so it's hard to stop seeing them, but again, avoid, avoid, avoid. This is my advice, and if it doesn't seem right to you, don't do it because everyone deals with break ups in a different way and this is what has worked best for me after having tried two opposite methods with the same relationship (two break ups).