Saturday, 10 September 2011

• I Don’t Believe in the Clitoris

  
  I’ve never claimed to be a great lover. You can ask my girlfriend that, I’m sure she’ll attest. I rarely buy her flowers, I don’t like chocolates, and I think diamonds are too shiny for her own good. I don’t believe in pampering – it goes straight to her head. I treat her like one of the guys. It’s enshrined in the constitution – all men are created equal. If women have the right to vote, they’re equal men in my eyes, and that means I burp and fart and throw nachos at them.

  Between the sheets things are no different. I believe in a unified life-code, so why would they be? I wouldn’t make love to one of the bros, except under extraordinary circumstances, but I feel like I’m sort of mostly obliged to do so with the girlfriend by God. We’re not trying to multiply, but we absolutely believe in fruit, so it’s a duty.

  All this being said, though, there’s one commonly-held bedroom myth I refuse to believe in, and refuse to allow any access to our bedroom activities: the clitoris.

  Now, I know what you’re saying. And no, science has never actually succeeded in proving its existence. In the past women have tried to point it out to me, but one mound of flesh is the same as another, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t have a clitoris, so why should she? That goes against the constitution.

  It’s like the woolly mammoth, or a minimum wage – myths created and perpetrated by the Anti-American liberals who want to spread fear and dissent amongst the citizens of the Greatest Nation Under God. By creating the myth of a clitoris, which men are now responsible for locating, these wack-a-doos are creating an atmosphere of intense anger. When the men find themselves unable to locate that which does not exist, the end result is predictable: a complete and total destruction of marital harmony. This is why the divorce rate has shot sky-high in the past 50 years.

  When the men find themselves unable to locate that which does not exist, the end result is predictable: a complete and total destruction of marital harmony.

  I don’t think I have to spell out the vital importance of marital harmony. It’s what America was founded on. Where would George have been without Martha (I’m presuming that was Mrs. Washington’s name, it feels kind of like it was)? Where was Honest Abe without... what’s-her-name? (no gut feeling that time). They’d be nowhere. Women are absolutely vital to the success of the great men who’ve run this country since its very beginning, but they can’t do that if they’re too busy being angry at the men for their inability to identify a mythical object!

  There’s only one solution. We have to put an end to this hullabaloo. We have to conclusively shout once and for all: the clitoris does not exist! It’s not real! It’s a lie! The liberal bastards won’t destroy America on our watch, because we won’t be fooled!

  N.B. My girlfriend heartily approves of this blog post. Or she would, if she wasn’t asleep right now, completely and totally satisfied by me in every way.
  
  What do you think? Is the clitoris just a mythical object?

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