Friday, 09 September 2011
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How Would You Describe Him?
First, let me introduce myself. My name's Heather, I am 18 years old, half Vietnamese, half German. I love video games such as Bioshock, Call of Duty, Dead Space, and Assassin's Creed. I've been playing video games my whole life. I also love old school Disney films (such as The Aristocats, Hercules, Alice in Wonderland, Hunchback of Notre Dame, etc.). I have an obsession with Marie from the Aristocats and currently have 21 stuffed animals. I collect action figures and comic books, and I am currently in school to become a dermatologist. I'm what people would call a "geek" more or less.
Now let me introduce my boyfriend, we'll call him J. He loves skateboarding, playing video games as much as I do, is into the whole "rasta" scene, loves the Star Wars movies and the Dragonball Z series. He's about 6 foot 3, has a twin brother (we'll call him J#2.) and is also 18 years old.
We've been dating for 9 months now. I love him very much.
Thing is, i don't know if I should.
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We met last September and fell for each other instantly. We didn't announce our love for each other until 3 months after we started dating. He's always talking about a future with me and says he loves me more than anything and that he doesn't deserve me. And he's right, he doesn't.
I do everything for him. Any money I get I spend it to buy him gifts to let him know I'm always thinking of him. I'm always doing sweet things like sending him 6 page longs texts describing how much and why I love him, and write him love letters saying essentially the same thing. For Christmas, i got him 2 t-shirts, a new watch, new rasta colored headphones, a video game, and some cigars. For Valentines Day, I got him a stuffed animal, a cute lovey dovey card, some Star Wars candy, chocolate cigars, and tickets to see his favorite band in concert.
His birthday is coming up next week and I got him another video game, a poster, a Nintendo key chain, and new custom made shoes. I even get him gifts out of nowhere just to let him know I'm always thinking of him. For example, about a month ago I was at the mall with my mother and I saw a Bob Marley lava lamp. I just had to get for him, I knew he'd love it. And he did. I'm so sweet to him and do everything i can for him. He doesn't make the best choices in life, but I support him no matter what and will stand by him. When he's having a bad day I will do whatever I can to make him feel better.
Let's talk about how he treats me, but first I'm gonna tell you what happened to me a month ago. I attempted suicide. I took 40 Tylenol pills and some sleeping pills. I was in the hospital for a week. I had to get my stomach pumped. I am currently in therapy for depression and anxiety. If my mom wouldn't have found me passed out on my floor, I would've been dead in an hour and a half. When I got out of the hospital, people acted like nothing happened and never told me they were happy I was still around. (That has affected me a lot but that's another post, maybe.)
Anyway, let's start from the beginning oN how J has been treating me. For Christmas, I got 2 t-shirts (granted they were a size Large when I'm normally a size Small) but I got them in February, 2 months after Christmas. For Valentines Day, I didn't get anything. For my birthday, i didn't get anything. He never writes me sweet notes. When I'm depressed or having an anxiety attack, all he'll say is "I'm sorry, I love you," and that's it. It's not like I ASK him to get me things, either.
Sometimes I tell him it'd be nice if he did and it'd make me feel good. All I've ever asked for is a bouquet of flowers. I have never gotten any no matter how many times I ask. When I was in the hospital, I called him crying and begging for him to come see me. I even gave him my room number and what hospital I was in, and he said he couldn't because his mom said she wouldn't bring him, when a month later I found out he never told his mom or anyone I was there and admitted to lying.
What was he doing that was so important that he couldnt come see me when I could've potentially died? NOTHING. He played basketball with his friends and played Xbox with his brother; it's like I wasn't there. That hurt me alot, it makes me think he didn't care about me dying, and I already thought no one did, so this just sent me into a further state of depression. A couple weeks ago he went up to his hometown for spring break to see his friends. I asked him not to get drunk or do anything stupid and he promised he wouldn't. Oh boy, but he did.
He didn't talk to me the whole time he was there because he was high and drunk the whole time. One night while he was up there and he was drunk at a party, he called me. He called me a "flat chested whore," a "bitch." "ugly," and "stupid." That hit me hard, I couldn't believe what my own boyfriend was saying to me. While he was in his hometown before he left, he told me he was staying at his friend Charlie's house. Actually, I found out he stayed at his Ex's house.
He stayed there overnight and everything. He also promised that there were no girls up there, but of course later on I found out there were. I found out because the idiot had a picture of them on his phone. And just earlier tonight, I told him I was very depressed and was thinking of killing myself again. I kept asking him to just call me. I asked him to call me over and over for 3 hours. He never did. Wanna know why? Because he was busy playing Xbox.
Think about that for a second, what kind of boyfriend does that? Who, when their girlfriend is talking about trying to kil herself again, just ignores it and decides Xbox is more important? That would be my boyfriend.
And every time he has ever treated or done me wrong he says, "It was just a little mistake" and "I'm sorry." But to me, it's always sorry. I'm tired of hearing sorry, because it means nothing when he always does it again. He continues to only think of himself, act like he doesn't care about me, and think that he doesn't do anything wrong.
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Here's a compilation of his excuses, sometimes even trying to blame me:
In his hometown when he got drunk and called me names - "I was drunk so I don't remember." "I don't think that was me." "I was at a party so I had to drink." "You shouldn't have picked up your phone."
When he lied to me about not being able to come see me while I was in the hospital - "I assumed my mom wouldn't bring me." "Your family took you there so I figured you were fine."
In his hometown lying about girls being there and the picture on his phone - "Oh, I forgot about them so I didn't tell you." "I didn't mean to take a picture of them."
In his hometown about him staying at his exes house - "Well she's dating Charlie now, so I thought it was basically the same thing."
When he EVER does anything wrong - "It was just a small mistake." "You're just angry/PMS-ing." "Okay. I love you."
And the ever-so popular excuse: "I'm not perfect." Well, I say it doesn't take a perfect person to know not to stay at your ex's house, to call when your girlfriend is contemplating suicide, to come see your girlfriend when she's in the hospital, to not get drunk and call her horrible names, to keep your promises, to be nice, to do things for your girlfriend, to not lie about everything, etc. You don't need to be PERFECT, just be GOOD and NICE to me. Is that so much to ask for?
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He's always promising he'll change, but I'm tired of waiting for that day. I'm tired of the emotional abuse, I'm tired of him calling me names, I'm tired of getting my hopes up when they end up getting torn down because he makes another "Small mistake" again. I'm tired of the heartbreak he gives me, I'm tired of him being selfish, I'm tired of him not caring, and more than anything, I'm tired of putting up with it and continuing to give him chances to be better to me. I can't take any more, my HEART can't take anymore. I need serious advice from someone, anyone.
Someone please help me. What should I do? How would you describe him? Do you think he'll change? What would YOU do?
I keep talking to him about how upset I am because of the things he does, and how he breaks my heart, but he just shrugs it off. Is this relationship worth trying to work out anymore? Do I get my hopes up for nothing? Is this worth it?
WHAT DO I DO?
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- From: blondiedeam@xanga
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Comments (77)
pretty sure you know what you need to do.
As my idol Dan Savage would say, "DTMFA".
Dump That Mother Fucker Already.
And stop trying to kill yourself. Jesus. You're living with your family right now, so you're probably only in your teens or early twenties? C'mon, at least wait until thirty to decide whether to drop this life or not. Ya only get one, you know.
One word for him...make that two words: douchebag asshole
Okay, I may take a different stance than most on this but I do think you should go your separate ways. Because of him? Maybe, but mostly, because of you. If you're thinking about suicide, are clinically depressed and have anxiety then you aren't in a position to try to be in a relationship. Why? Triggers. Relationships are the worst triggers there are. I'm not being judgmental, I was you a couple of years ago. My girlfriend would tell me all of my flaws, occasionally hit me, and even told my friends that I abused HER and tried to alienate me. I dealt with it for 3 years. Three years of my life ended up being wasted (well, not wasted, i learned ALOT). I was borderline (personality disorder) diagnosed, along with OCD, depression, etc and instead of spending time trying to make myself better...I let myself get worse with a person who was toxic to my recovery. It sounds like the same situation with you and your SO.
First of all, though, in response to your boyfriend specifically....it's never okay to ignore someone's plead for help if they're threatening suicide. Okay maybe you love him but he can't even claim to slightly care about you if instead of calling you, he's playing xbox (especially with your record of previous attempts). Even if you are a handful, or are dramatic, sensitive or whatever other excuse he can have...you deserve more compassion than that. Do what's best for you. Get out of the relationship and focus on bettering yourself. It sounds so therapist-esque but honestly, it's the best you can do. Once you learn to control triggers, impulses, and better your depression...you'll be much better equipped to handle relationships.
I hope this helps and you find the help you need.
I've had a boyfriend that was like that.... He treated me like crap.. You seem to treat him alot better than he does to you.... If you really dont want to break up with him (it does seem like the best solution imo) maybe take a break and maybe he will realize just how he treats you. Thats the only way I can see him "changing".. They do say, you cant change someone..
I hope everything works out for you but you deserve alot better than that thats for sure! Im sure you will find someone who treats you way better :)
Okay Heather, I'm going to make this really easy for you to follow.
Dump Him Now.
Right this very moment. Call him. Dump him. If he asks for a reason say "you're an asshole" and refer him to this post then tell him to fuck off.
Seriously.
This sounds like a very one-sided relationship: he is putting in less than half of the effort that you're putting into the relationship. With that said, it takes a LOT to change someone. He may change, but most likely it will only be a small one -- nothing to the degree of what you're asking for. What you're asking for is for him to do a 360-degree flip, which is highly unrealistic. I wouldn't expect any drastic changes to happen, and I am speaking from experience.
I also agree with xcrownedhopeless.. it does not sound like you are suited to be in a relationship. For your own good, I feel it is best to get out and pull yourself together (find out what makes you happy) before you will be ready to handle the responsibilities that come with a relationship. A relationship isn't about dependency, and it seems you are depending on him for your own happiness.
Good luck.. =)
From only the first 3 paragraphs that I read, you should already know what to do. You need to leave him because no deserves to be treated the way you were by him. As much as you would say you love him, by his actions, he doesn't love you. I've been lied to, hit by and screamed at by a girl who told me she loved me. I've been out of that relationship for 10 months now and it gets better. Do what you need to do: the relationship is not healthy with the way he treats you and you need to leave.
BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!! he is a jerk...
also a couple notes. DO NOT PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET!!! you are waaaay way too co dependent on him!!! ALSO. practice some observation ... DO NOT SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON HIM WHEN HE CANT EVEN BUY YOU FLOWERS. you're at the point where im pretty sure you know those things you want and expect will not come so stop panning out your financials on a lost cause.
dump him, stay single for a while, get counseling if your not already and focus on ur fun healthy friendships which if you dont have any, enough or the right kind... get them. friends are way more important than some guy who mistreats you and isnt really a boyfriend. he doesnt seem to respect you, actively care and is honestly just not worth your time, creativity, love or money. save it for someone who is waaay down the line when ur in a much better, happier place.
Second the post above mine.
Don't hesitate for another second. Dump him.
i think you've answered your own question. you don't need the rest of the world to tell you what you're doing is right. take care of yourself first.
he's immature, self centered, insensitive, apathetic video game addict, who is full of excuses aka not boyfriend material. maybe he doesn't have a job so he doesn't want to ask him mom to pay for the gifts he wants to get for you, but you don't expect gifts, you just wanted flowers, which he didn't get either. maybe he doesn't like being told what to get you so it backfires-I've hinted at things, but more like sweet gestures that I wanted from an ex but he never got a clue either, and I felt unappreciated. we didn't work out but later I met another guy and he was older and is so romantic like those retro gentlemen that you see in classic movies. he knows just what to say at the right times and makes me feel like a queen. you deserve someone, who treats you better.
You should leave him. He's not worth your time. I know it's easier said than done, but you're young and there are a ton of other guys that would love to be with you and dedicate their time and effort to you, this guy is not worth it at all!
Hmmmm this is an easy one. Break up with him.
You are emotionally unstable and looking at him to be your stability but, he can't be that even if he was a remotely good or an excellent boyfriend. You need to take time for yourself and be single. Discover who you are and what you have to give and from there your self-worth will grow. If you stay with him, you'll only be hurting yourself more physically and emotionally.
Also, it's important to learn to give and accept love in itself and not for a return. When someone gives you something, you don't need to give back and when you give, they don't need to give back. Once you start living by that motto, in the future, you'll be better able to appreciate the little gifts you get because most men aren't going to be as giving as you or as you want them to be. Relationships shouldn't have a scoreboard. Sometimes you won't realize his gifts and sometimes he won't realize yours. 50 50 understood acts of love are going to be rare. Along the same lines, I think you are giving so much to him because you are trying to buy his love by showing him how good you are. If he can't see how good you are and show you that he values you, he's not worth it.
My sister has been with a man-boy for more than 10 years now just like yours and he has only brought constant trouble to her life and my family's. He won't change for the better unless he wants to and there is a good chance that he won't. You don't need to stick around for that. There are millions of boys who like the activities you like, well maybe not the Disney one but, lots of gamers that would worship and love you much better than your boyfriend now. No love interest is worth dying over.
Give yourself a second chance.
"You don't need to be PERFECT, just be GOOD and NICE to me. Is that so much to ask for?"
No, it isn't. If someone can't be good and nice, there's no reason to be in a relationship with them. Try it out again when he grows the f*** up and you are not in such a vulnerable psychological state. Best wishes to you, take care of yourself.I love Marie from Aristocats too :)
My take on this: get out. Read what you've written to yourself, do you want to live the rest of your life like that?
Yeah, he might change in the future. You might see him with someone else being a great guy and not an asshole and that will probably hurt. But as several ex-boyfriends have told me:
If a guy likes a girl enough, he'll make the effort.
And that's really all there is to it. He may say he loves you, but he doesn't even seem to know what that means. It sounds like he also has xbox issues - no joke, that can be a real problem for people and might indicate that he has some psychological issues that need treatment as well.
I hope you start feeling happier, and have strength to do what you need to do. There are MUCH better guys out there, and you deserve one of them.
yeeeeeeeeeeeah you already know what you need to do. You deserve better, and more so than that, you NEED better. So - leave him.
Get out NOW. Don't let him do more damage to you by making you feel like you aren't worth it. Cause every girl deserves a man that makes her feel like the center of their universe.
wow. i wrote this like 6 months ago. just so everyone knows, everything's good now. i went to therapy. im no longer depressed. and i've moved on :) this was just a hard part of my past. lol.
what the point of putting something up for advice when it doesn't get published till months later? LOL
i had actually forgotten about this, and kinda regret writing it.I think we are all very glad to know you're doing better and not with someone who treats you badly.
@blondiedeam@xanga - He sounded like a complete jerk, and I'm glad to hear that you're doing much better without him. Although, major fail on datingish's part, for publishing something like this 6 months later. :\
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - my thoughts exactly.
You sound like his slave.
Read this post again, but imagine it's not you who wrote it, but someone else on here, or one of your friends. What would you want them to do? What do YOU think they should do?
This guy is just with you because its easy-he gets loads of free stuff and cool gifts, compliments, someone who worships him and would give him the world. And when she isn't available (ie in HOSPITAL) he can get what he wants somewhere else..in this case, his ex. He's a narcissist and a pig and you don't need him around-people do need YOU around, though. Don't let someone else make you feel unwanted and worthless. xx
@blondiedeam@xanga - oh woops i just wrote a big reply lol:P it came up on xanga today as a new post! glad you've moved on:)
@blondiedeam@xanga - I just saw your reply, and I want to say I'm really glad things are better for you :) you deserve to be happy and I'm glad you've found that now <3
@blondiedeam@xanga - I'm glad you're doing better. Like a few others stated, you needed to worry about you, not what kind of boyfriend you had.