Friday, 09 September 2011
First, let me introduce myself. My name's Heather, I am 18 years old, half Vietnamese, half German. I love video games such as Bioshock, Call of Duty, Dead Space, and Assassin's Creed. I've been playing video games my whole life. I also love old school Disney films (such as The Aristocats, Hercules, Alice in Wonderland, Hunchback of Notre Dame, etc.). I have an obsession with Marie from the Aristocats and currently have 21 stuffed animals. I collect action figures and comic books, and I am currently in school to become a dermatologist. I'm what people would call a "geek" more or less.
Now let me introduce my boyfriend, we'll call him J. He loves skateboarding, playing video games as much as I do, is into the whole "rasta" scene, loves the Star Wars movies and the Dragonball Z series. He's about 6 foot 3, has a twin brother (we'll call him J#2.) and is also 18 years old.
We've been dating for 9 months now. I love him very much.
Thing is, i don't know if I should.
We met last September and fell for each other instantly. We didn't announce our love for each other until 3 months after we started dating. He's always talking about a future with me and says he loves me more than anything and that he doesn't deserve me. And he's right, he doesn't.
I do everything for him. Any money I get I spend it to buy him gifts to let him know I'm always thinking of him. I'm always doing sweet things like sending him 6 page longs texts describing how much and why I love him, and write him love letters saying essentially the same thing. For Christmas, i got him 2 t-shirts, a new watch, new rasta colored headphones, a video game, and some cigars. For Valentines Day, I got him a stuffed animal, a cute lovey dovey card, some Star Wars candy, chocolate cigars, and tickets to see his favorite band in concert.
His birthday is coming up next week and I got him another video game, a poster, a Nintendo key chain, and new custom made shoes. I even get him gifts out of nowhere just to let him know I'm always thinking of him. For example, about a month ago I was at the mall with my mother and I saw a Bob Marley lava lamp. I just had to get for him, I knew he'd love it. And he did. I'm so sweet to him and do everything i can for him. He doesn't make the best choices in life, but I support him no matter what and will stand by him. When he's having a bad day I will do whatever I can to make him feel better.
Let's talk about how he treats me, but first I'm gonna tell you what happened to me a month ago. I attempted suicide. I took 40 Tylenol pills and some sleeping pills. I was in the hospital for a week. I had to get my stomach pumped. I am currently in therapy for depression and anxiety. If my mom wouldn't have found me passed out on my floor, I would've been dead in an hour and a half. When I got out of the hospital, people acted like nothing happened and never told me they were happy I was still around. (That has affected me a lot but that's another post, maybe.)
Anyway, let's start from the beginning oN how J has been treating me. For Christmas, I got 2 t-shirts (granted they were a size Large when I'm normally a size Small) but I got them in February, 2 months after Christmas. For Valentines Day, I didn't get anything. For my birthday, i didn't get anything. He never writes me sweet notes. When I'm depressed or having an anxiety attack, all he'll say is "I'm sorry, I love you," and that's it. It's not like I ASK him to get me things, either.
Sometimes I tell him it'd be nice if he did and it'd make me feel good. All I've ever asked for is a bouquet of flowers. I have never gotten any no matter how many times I ask. When I was in the hospital, I called him crying and begging for him to come see me. I even gave him my room number and what hospital I was in, and he said he couldn't because his mom said she wouldn't bring him, when a month later I found out he never told his mom or anyone I was there and admitted to lying.
What was he doing that was so important that he couldnt come see me when I could've potentially died? NOTHING. He played basketball with his friends and played Xbox with his brother; it's like I wasn't there. That hurt me alot, it makes me think he didn't care about me dying, and I already thought no one did, so this just sent me into a further state of depression. A couple weeks ago he went up to his hometown for spring break to see his friends. I asked him not to get drunk or do anything stupid and he promised he wouldn't. Oh boy, but he did.
He didn't talk to me the whole time he was there because he was high and drunk the whole time. One night while he was up there and he was drunk at a party, he called me. He called me a "flat chested whore," a "bitch." "ugly," and "stupid." That hit me hard, I couldn't believe what my own boyfriend was saying to me. While he was in his hometown before he left, he told me he was staying at his friend Charlie's house. Actually, I found out he stayed at his Ex's house.
He stayed there overnight and everything. He also promised that there were no girls up there, but of course later on I found out there were. I found out because the idiot had a picture of them on his phone. And just earlier tonight, I told him I was very depressed and was thinking of killing myself again. I kept asking him to just call me. I asked him to call me over and over for 3 hours. He never did. Wanna know why? Because he was busy playing Xbox.
Think about that for a second, what kind of boyfriend does that? Who, when their girlfriend is talking about trying to kil herself again, just ignores it and decides Xbox is more important? That would be my boyfriend.
And every time he has ever treated or done me wrong he says, "It was just a little mistake" and "I'm sorry." But to me, it's always sorry. I'm tired of hearing sorry, because it means nothing when he always does it again. He continues to only think of himself, act like he doesn't care about me, and think that he doesn't do anything wrong.
Here's a compilation of his excuses, sometimes even trying to blame me:
In his hometown when he got drunk and called me names - "I was drunk so I don't remember." "I don't think that was me." "I was at a party so I had to drink." "You shouldn't have picked up your phone."
When he lied to me about not being able to come see me while I was in the hospital - "I assumed my mom wouldn't bring me." "Your family took you there so I figured you were fine."
In his hometown lying about girls being there and the picture on his phone - "Oh, I forgot about them so I didn't tell you." "I didn't mean to take a picture of them."
In his hometown about him staying at his exes house - "Well she's dating Charlie now, so I thought it was basically the same thing."
When he EVER does anything wrong - "It was just a small mistake." "You're just angry/PMS-ing." "Okay. I love you."
And the ever-so popular excuse: "I'm not perfect." Well, I say it doesn't take a perfect person to know not to stay at your ex's house, to call when your girlfriend is contemplating suicide, to come see your girlfriend when she's in the hospital, to not get drunk and call her horrible names, to keep your promises, to be nice, to do things for your girlfriend, to not lie about everything, etc. You don't need to be PERFECT, just be GOOD and NICE to me. Is that so much to ask for?
He's always promising he'll change, but I'm tired of waiting for that day. I'm tired of the emotional abuse, I'm tired of him calling me names, I'm tired of getting my hopes up when they end up getting torn down because he makes another "Small mistake" again. I'm tired of the heartbreak he gives me, I'm tired of him being selfish, I'm tired of him not caring, and more than anything, I'm tired of putting up with it and continuing to give him chances to be better to me. I can't take any more, my HEART can't take anymore. I need serious advice from someone, anyone.
Someone please help me. What should I do? How would you describe him? Do you think he'll change? What would YOU do?
I keep talking to him about how upset I am because of the things he does, and how he breaks my heart, but he just shrugs it off. Is this relationship worth trying to work out anymore? Do I get my hopes up for nothing? Is this worth it?
WHAT DO I DO?