Friday, 09 September 2011
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The Four Sexual Relationships
After having my first fight/make-up with someone I was sleeping with outside of a monogamous relationship, I started really thinking about the fact that there's not just "Exclusive" and "Non-exclusive." There are different levels of commitment even outside of an exclusive relationship. Here's what I've learned from personal and secondhand experience.
Booty call- This means two people who do not communicate for any reason other than sex. These people generally don't have anything in common and probably don't even like each other. But there's a physical attraction and a void that is filled by that late night text plus whatever follows. As far as I've seen, these only last as long as it takes to find a replacement. Also, one can become a part of a booty call arrangement unintentionally if they are less experienced or a little naive in the dating world.
Friend with Benefits- This means two people who consider themselves friends. They might talk on the phone, text funny anecdotes to each other, buy birthday presents, go to the movies, etc. But at the end of a night out/in together (often involving alcohol) they have sex. There's no commitment involved any further than the commitment you would have with any other friend. They consider each other's feelings and truely care for one another, but do not feel a romantic attachment through sex. It's almost as if sex is just another activity to enjoy together.
Open Relationship- This is where commitment starts to show itself. It refers to a committed relationship where both parties have agreed to continue having sex with other people. As far as I have seen, it's not common to be in an open relationship with more than one person. To me, that's classified as polygamy and is really a lifestyle all it's own. To be in an open relationship means that two people committed to each other and have a special bond between them, maybe they are even in love.
It's hardly different from a regular relationship aside from the "No thanks, I'm taken" part. The variable that I notice is whether or not the couple discusses their trysts with each other. Some people get excited hearing about what their partner has done, some even want to see, while others are fine with it as long as they don't have to hear the details.
Monogamous Commitment- Not that you really need me to describe this to you, but this entails full exclusivity. No touching/kissing/licking/humping of any kind with anyone other than your partner. Usually these people consider themselves in love, or at least close to it. Sex in a monogamous relationship is about more than getting off, it's about expressing your desire for one another and connecting on a deep physical level.
After really thinking about it all, I think I'm going to bow out of the non-exclusive sex club. For me, sex is way too personal to give away like lollipops. I like the feeling of sharing sex with one person and one person only, and knowing that they are sharing it only with me, too.
How about you, are you/have you ever been a part of any of these kinds of relationships?
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- From: Tiffany_etc
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Comments (36)
Just the monogamous. I'm willing to admit that I have a jealous enough personality that I wouldn't do well with non-exclusivity, and it wouldn't be fair to any parties involved if I went on a bitch riot for my own ill fitting decisions.
Done monogamous and fwb. Booty call I'd probably feel too trashy/used and an open relationship I would be way too jealous.
I've never had an open relationship. To me, that's not committed. To say you're in a committed open relationship just seems like a contradiction. When I was in college, I had booty calls and FWBs, but now I would never do that. I have too much respect for myself to have sex with someone who can't commit to it with me exclusively.
That being said, I am a part of a monogamous commitment. :)
I've never been a part of any of these sexual relationships, though I am in a monogamous relationship right now. We're not having sex until our wedding night. I've never had sex with anyone, and he hasn't either (both mainly because of our beliefs), but also we don't see the point in sex before marriage. Too much crap comes with it.
I'm married now so I don't do the non-exclusive thing anymore, but I did have friends with benefits in the past. The only problem I ever had was with one "friend." There was such sexual tension between us all the time that it kind of made a real friendship awkward. But at the same time it wasn't a booty call. We actually never had sex but just fooled around. It messed with my mind until I finally had to make myself stop talking to him.
yeah, i've been through all four
my boyfriend and i started out as fwb, then we progressed to a committed relationship. tehheh
I'm currently in an open relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together 5 years. We were closed the first few years. There are reasons we decided to open it. We are indeed in a very committed relationship. Emotionally, she is my family, and I hers, and our bond goes far beyond sexual. We share our lives with one another. But, if we meet someone and are interested in having a sexual encounter/relationship with that person, we're free to do so if we choose. And on that note, we're in the "I don't need details" camp. I know it's me she's coming home to at night, and vice versa. It's not for everyone, for sure, and it's not without its challenges at times. But, we're adaptable and committed to being part of each others lives, so we make it work. I love her on a fundamental level that nobody else could even touch. But, I'm not sure monogamy is for me.
My girlfriend is transgender, but only confided that in me - and started transitioning - about 3 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm bisexual, so though I'm fine with her transition to female (though it was a difficult and emotionally-taxing process, of course), but I still have a sexual attraction to other men, as well as women, and frankly, I want to be able to explore that or act on it - if I feel the need to. Also, since her transition, she's exploring life almost as a whole new person, in a way, and wanted to really explore what it was like to meet a man - as a woman - and fulfill her needs as a hetereosexual female.
SO...lol...I said all that to just illustrate that it's different for everyone. We're a very progressive, open, non-traditional couple, but for us...it works. Because we make it work, and it's cool. I think that when people say you can't be "open" and "committed" at the same time, it's simply because those people can't be both. But others, like us, definitely can.
I've had FWB and Monogamous. Even with a FWB, it's almost always been exclusive (always on my part). It often leads to a relationship with me. I couldn't do an open relationship. If I care about someone in a romantic way, I can't deal with them sleeping with someone else. A FWB is mostly because of sanitary/health reasons. It doesn't bother me emotionally.
Seem like pretty good definitions.
@justjase@xanga - Wow, that's an interesting situation to read first hand! I've really only heard from those who've gone trans, and all the romantic troubles they faced rather than those who stuck by them and reappropriated their lives to work with it. Kudos to you guys. :)
@pinkdagger@xanga - Thanks. Yeah, many people can't handle it. I mean, it's tough. I mourned the loss of my boyfriend (even though "he" realized he was trans long before we ever met), while at the same time being overjoyed at the gorgeous woman she has become, being her authentic self. I posted about it here, if you're at all interested in reading more about our particular situation: http://bit.ly/qv8JWt. And I think, though I hadn't yet fully realized or admitted it to myself, me being bi helped me transition through the change as well.
Had I been completely gay-identifying (and like, for example, a straight couple, where the husband transitions to female, but the wife is 100% straight and has no desires to be romantically involved with a woman), I don't know if I would have been able to do it. It takes work, but it's worth it, and I say, if you truly love the person, and you're both adult and open-minded about the situation, you can get over most any hurdle. Open relationships don't work when there's sneaking around or lying.
Friends with benefits or monogamous. But if it's FWB they have to actually really be my true friend.
Recently I've had a relationship that has run the entire gamut at various times except for just a "booty call"my current relationship started out as fwb, became booty calls, then fwb again, and is now exclusive. prior to this relationship, i've partaken in all of the above.
open relationships make no sense...it contradicts itself
@superfreeky@xanga - how so?
monogamous commitment and I've had a striptease buddy
no sex or any other sexual activities involved. he's my personal chippendale
D:
BFFWBF
id only have monogamous
Hahaha. Funny story -- I'm supposed to start this FWB thing with my best friend who happens to have a girlfriend. It is... weird. To say the least. So far I've only done the monogamous thing, but this new thing will be interesting to say the least.
@justjase@xanga - Wow! Thanks for sharing! It's wonderful that you two have found a way to be happy in such an unconventional situation. I hope those who seem to be sheltered from the idea of an open commitment learn something from your story!
@Tiffany_etc - Thank you.
I hope so too. *I* have learned something from this experience - many things, actually. It can be liberating/invigorating/amazing/awful/hurtful, etc. It's whatever you both choose to make it. When she began to transition, and I came out as bi, we both knew that, even with all that, neither of us had any interest in not being together. So, we got real honest with each other and had some very frank, adult conversations. I think a lot of the trouble people have in relationships (of any type, for that matter) is due to simply not communicating on an honest level.
So we took our relationship apart, and realized we could simply build it into whatever we wanted it to look like, if we were both willing to do so in an honest manner. Part of being honest in your relationship is getting over things, too. I'm not going to say there weren't moments of jealousy, etc. But when I realized (and when she made it clear) that her talking to other men had nothing to do with her wanting to go *away* from me, but simply to add enrichment to her life, I got over any lingering doubt and jealousy. We had to periodically keep ourselves in check with those feelings, and check in with each other when things felt weird. After several months of being open, I think we're both the happiest we've been in years. We just celebrated 5 years together last month.
I realize this is about sex primarily, but there is much more to a relationship you know. Perhaps if people concentrated on those 'other things' it wouldn't be so complex.
@justjase@xanga - wow, your story is interesting! Thanks for sharing it :)
@Lalaleah_Love@xanga - i mean essentially a relationship implies exclusivity so calling it open negates that but hey...to each their own but for me its either we're monogamous or we're not because im sure there are feelings invested.