Thursday, 08 September 2011
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My Boyfriend May Still Love His Ex
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Things are fantastic! We moved in together, and things couldn't be better. I go to college and he works ALL DAY, but that's not the problem. The other day, he had gotten an email that had woken he and I both. Usually when he gets these emails, it's okay for me to read because it's usually just a Facebook notification. But this time it wasn't. It was a very long email from his ex girlfriend saying words like she still loves him, she can't get over him.
I'm sure, in every girl's mind you're thinking, "What the hell!" That was exactly what I was thinking. For the first time, since I've been with my boyfriend, I felt like there was a threat to our relationship. I'm sure like most girls, you would want to know what the heck was going on.
That same day, he left his email open, on the laptop. BIG MISTAKE. When you have a girlfriend who thinks something's up, you do not leave your email wide open. So I did what every concerned and threatened girlfriend would do, I looked for that damn email. I know I shouldn't invade his privacy like that, I respect him, and what I did was very wrong. But I needed to know something.
I saw a series of messages between my boyfriend and his ex from a few months after we've been dating up until a few days ago. I was furious. So I began reading and reading and reading... I was left sitting in the computer chair crying my stupid eyes out. I had read that he still called her 'babe' and 'baby' and that he still told her that he loved her. WHAT THE HECK.
Hours have gone by, and I was feeling horrible for invading his privacy but most importantly, I felt like he still loved her.
That day, I briefly told him that i saw the message he received, but I did not tell him that I had read the OTHER emails. I admit, it was wrong on my part to even go through the emails, but I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know why I'm upset... well I know why I'm upset... I'm just an emotional wreck right now and I need a few pointers on what it is I should do.
Any advice would be great.
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- From: ArizonAnnie
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Comments (85)
I dated a man when I still loved my ex. It didn't work out, no matter how hard I tried.
But I wasn't a douche like your boyfriend is being. I fought the feeling, he is not.
Make it clear that either you're going to have an open, honest, committed relationship (if that's what you want), or else he loses you. You have your standards, hold him to them.o man...this is tricky...sorry i'm not being helpful. :/ i'm pretty stumped too on what you should do. i really do hope you get a resolution soon!
My bf was doing the same thing...then he left...after we found out I was pregnant. Honestly you are better off without him. If he can have these kinds of conversations with her during your relationship and not feel guilty about it enough to confess it to you after this long, he won't change.
Annie, I was in a very similar situation myself with my boyfriend, except his was through texts. I made the mistake of telling him that I only read one of his texts (which wasn't true, I read all of his texts with his ex) and he kept giving me bullshit answers that didn't match up.
What you need to do is to tell him the WHOLE truth - let him know that you read ALL of his e-mails with his ex girlfriend. If you don't, he may try to play it off like it was a one-time thing, no big deal, and that you are overreacting. He will give you an unsatisfactory excuse, and you will be left thinking, "Hold on, his explanations don't fit quite right, because in his other emails, he said this and that." Tell him EVERYTHING, and only then will he realize the gig is up and hopefully come clean. It's like a snakebite, you gotta let out all the poison in order for the wound to heal.
I don't know what sort of excuse your boyfriend may give you to explain his behavior towards his ex. Even if he tells you that he's just "joking around" and that he doesn't "mean anything by it," you still have to make it absolutely clear that this behavior is inappropriate. His relationship is with YOU now, not his ex, and therefore he should change his behavior if you find it absolutely intolerable. Granted, he did leave his email wide open, so maybe he really doesn't feel his behavior with his ex as unacceptable. You definitely will have to come clean with him and see what is really going on.
Bottom line: He wasn't honest with you. Amongst other things (pretending, putting a facade, etc.)
How does that make *you* feel?
How much effort and energy etc did you put into the relationship..and what were you expecting?
It is never excusable to knowingly o something that can hurt the other person. That includes deception.
You just have to find out what you really want. He wasn't who you thought he was.
If it were me, I would so dump him. Bye bye sir. Don't settle for him. Please. You deserve someone who will completely, 100% be dedicated to you and who won't give off even a hint of doubt.
Uhh break up with him? I don't understand why you even need advice, the answer is simple.
Dump his ass. If there's any question about whether or not he's in love with his ex, you need to get rid of him. And it looks like there's absolutely no question here.
Yes, it's a horrid situation to be in.. But it looks like he hasn't been honest with you.
This relationship is not worth your time. Find a guy who will be honest with you and will be completely devoted to you.
i had one ex who i loved and still do and even when he had a girl, he was still wanting me and loving me. i remember thinking how i would feel if i were that girl he was with. i never did anything with him when he had a girl tho i never denied my feelings... i dunno. tricky situation. all i know is i knew id never want to be that girl who didnt have the guys heart cuz it would hurt me so i suggest you leave. last thing u want is himbtelling another woman he loves her. -_- he should be with her instead if thats the case.
That's awful. Its kind of like having two relationships at once. He probably wasn't ready to start a relationship with you and now you're the one who is paying for it :( You need to be honest in order for him to be honest. You looked through his email. For the record, it was left open, it isn't like you hacked it. And you did have a reason to be concerned. Let go of the "What I did was wrong" thing now, because what he did was wrong too.
You don't have to be with him. Maybe they deserve eachother. It doesn't sound like he deserves you.
@apb102088@xanga - I agree, 100%
You deserve a guy that tells you-"i'm a one woman man" AND means it. Don't make things hard on yourself by staying and hoping he'll forget about her. You deserve someone who wants you- and you only.
Fuck that. Why are you with a boy? Why don't you go find a man?
If I found that in a boyfriend's e-mail I would say I read ALLLL their e-mails.
I'm sorry you have to go through all this. He had a chance to come clean about the whole thing when you had mentioned how you've read one email; The fact he didn't confess about the girlfriend on the side proves he's not sorry and will continue to do what he does. I'd talk to him about it and come clean. If he reverses the blame, like blaming you for looking at his emails, run away fast, he's a manipulative shithead and bless the soul of his ex gf who will eventually be cheated on too.
My ex still loved his ex while I dated him, I realized it later on. I still love my ex, the skank he left me for feels threatened by me though I mostly let them be. A lot of details are left out. I'd feel sympathy for you UNLESS you were the other woman or something 'cause then it's normal for him to still feel for his ex. Otherwise, there's really not much you can do. You may have him physically, but you don't have his heart.
I honestly do not think you were in the right at all for reading through his emails.
It was left open, but at the same time, I think if you live with your boyfriend... you should have had a more sturdy relationship foundation to go on instead of snooping.
Communication is key through these things. By just knowing his behaviour was changing, and talking to him, you'd be able to find out what was up. You did not have to snoop and I hope this isn't going to be something that you're going to do in every relationship, because its going to back lash and kick you in the ass.
After you found out that the ex girlfriend had been messaging him. You should have probably asked him what he thought about it, and if it had triggered anything in him.
I don't really understand why women automatically start feeling threatened by situations like this. There is a reason that they broke up in the first place, and if he really wanted to be with the other person, he would have been. He wouldn't have started dating you and he wouldn't have moved in with you. You should have a better understanding of your boyfriend by that point, and not have to jump to the whole "He's going to leave me thing".
You probably should have asked him if he was going to reply, and what was going to happen after that. Obviously, any kind of email from a former significant other is going to raise an eyebrow for the person. It's a hard thing to deal with. I've been there before, and it wasn't nice. I didn't want to hurt my ex, but at the same time, I was in a loving relationship that I wasn't going to lose over a past romance that ended.
Being open and honest would have been crucial. You should have let your boyfriend know how uncomfortable it made you feel. Without crying, without going hysterical, and without making your 'crazy girl' side come out. Just talk about it. Tell him that you felt like he was going to leave you, and that if this girl still has feelings for him, then you'd rather have him not be in contact with her for awhile.
But that is advice for the next time you run into a situation like this. I hope that you don't though.
For now, since you know that he has been telling another girl that he loves her. There is no going back from that. You can ask him what it meant, why he did it, and whatever else, and all you're going to get is answers of him defending himself and why it was okay for him to do that. None of it is going to be the truth.
Honestly, you need to pack your things and get out of there, right now. You do not deserve to have someone who is going to hide those major things from you. He obviously is confused about what he wants, and he doesn't deserve to have his cake and eat it too. It's one or the other.
Get out of the situation and maybe after time, he will realize what he did to lose you. Turn off your phone, block his email for awhile, and take him off facebook and get yourself out of the situation. In a month or so maybe you'll be able to have a rational conversation with him.
I know that it's hard to leave a relationship, but right now, the two of you have absolutely no respect or trust for each other and it WILL get worse. Trust me.
Re-connect with a few ex-boyfriends of your own, buy some nice outfits to remind yourself of how sexually attractive you are, go to the nightclubs and coffee shops with your galpals (but NOT your current bf) and revel in the glances other men give you. In other words, remind yourself that your current bf is NOT your only option. You'll be surprised how clearly you'll be able to think about this after you've reestablished to yourself that you could get someone else fairly easily if you so choose.
What was the context of the note? It's fairly innoffensive for a guy to call his ex "baby." That's not really cheating. What exactly is the context of him saying that he still loves her? Is it placating ("Of course I still love you babe, but I've moved on and I think it'd be best that you do so too.") or adulterous ("Oh God I can't breathe without you! Give me a week to dump my rebound chick and then we'll meet up in Monte Carlo!") or what?
If you feel he's stepping out on you- even just emotionally- then follow Beyonce's song "Irreplaceable." To the left, to the left. This guy is not irreplaceable. Tell him to take a hike. Unless you're a habitual cheater, you deserve a guy who is 100% yours.
Don't talk to him. He'll just say whatever he thinks will get you off his back the quickest.
My hearts goes out to you. I couldnt even imagine:(
Come clean. It's the best thing you can do. It's his fault for being a jerk. You did overstep your boundaries, but what he did/is doing is definitely worse.
I hope the best for you. Good luck!
wel since he doesnt love you and he loves her and had this secret thing going on.. then why still be with him? if he loved you enough he wouldnt of done this to u and also he had been keeping this away from u, if he really did love u, he wouldve told this girl to f off from the start...
Admit what you've done - tell him you read everything and get an explanation, and then you can decide whether this relationship is worth saving, or whether you should run and cut your losses. Best of luck :)
Being in love with two people isnt a crime. He should be honest with you upfront though. Im in this situation now, only my bf knows I still love my ex, even though I wish I didnt. I made the decision to be with him because my ex is a cheater and isnt good for me in a relationship. That doesnt mean I can stop loving him though. You two should talk it out, just remember, he chose you. Its all about whats best for him and if hes with you then you're it.
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In my opinion, when a relationship reaches a point of sneaking around and lying or even witholding truth then you no longer have a relationship worth having. I think it's normal and even healthy not to just stop loving someone in your past. I'd be more concerned and nervous about being with a man who was able to turn his love off coldly like a switch than I would in being with one who still loved his ex. The problem is when the love he has for his ex becomes actions instead of just feelings. It sounds like that's where ya'll are at and my advice is to walk away, at least until he figures out where his committment should be and until you can trust him enough not to snoop through his personals.
I know exactly what you're going through. The EXACT same thing happened to me... I'm going to send you a PM.
you should prolly just tell him you saw those emails, and sees what's his reaction.... but be prepared for the worse.