Last summer I went to visit my sister at her college dorm. She goes to a large university that is about three hours away from home, and since the majority of my time that summer was spent taking classes at my college, I decided I needed a little break. While I was outside her building one day, sitting in the grass reading a book, I glanced up. Lo and behold the most gorgeous guy I've seen in a long time walked right past me. And when I say gorgeous, I mean this guy had it going on. A cute faux hawk hair cut, tall stature with a nice body complete with combat boots. He was playing with a small hacky sack as he walked, which made him seem like he had a playful side. I couldn't help but stare, and although he didn't notice me, I felt inclined to go over and say hello.
For whatever reason, negative thoughts filled my head. It was as if as soon as I saw him, I felt ashamed for thinking I could even talk to a person who was as beautiful as him, as if he was out of my league completely.
My life has been filled with creepy men giving me unnecessary attention that I don't want, leering at me rudely from their cars, and saying the most derogatory things. When it comes time for me to talk to a guy I like, it's as if my mind draws a blank. I begin to think about the only interactions I've ever had, the leering, the name calling, etc., and I begin to feel intimidated and fearful of rejection. If the only interaction I've ever had is creepy old men giving me attention, how do I go up to someone my age and being a conversation?
I have never, ever walked up to a guy, no matter how hot I think they are and gave them my number. So I have no idea what that would be like.
But now, thinking back to that summer, should I have gone up to this complete stranger and told him I thought he was the cutest guy I've seen in a while? Would that have been a creepy statement to make?
What do yall think? Have you ever walked up to a guy and just told them your number? What happened? How did you gain confidence to do such a thing?
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Comments (17)
I think the situation is much different for a girl to approach a guy than it is for a guy to approach a girl. I tend to be intimidated by girls who I know are gorgeous and fun, but hesitate because of maybe knowing I might be a creep. When a girl approaches a guy, it seems to flatter him much more and it seems less threatening. That is at least how I look at it.
I have never done that before (approaching a guy and giving him my number), I guess because I actually want to have a conversation with him first before I give him my number. Looks can be deceiving and I kind of want to know if we click before I hand out my number to him. But I have no problem walking up to a man to introduce myself. I don't want to live with regrets and wonder all the "what ifs" I did this or that.
@laytexduckie@xanga - I think when a guy approaches me, it's flattering too, but it all depends on the way he present himself is what makes it matter.
Since confidence is something very important for me when looking for a guy, I won't ever approach one myself. If he finds me attractive but is too intimidated to talk to me, then we definately won't get far.
But I do know what you mean about feeling like they are out of your league because most guys who show interest are creeps and it's hard to imagine a really great guy being as excited to talk to you. If you want to talk to a guy, you have to be comfortable with rejection. I mean, we all get rejected sooner or later, if not in the first conversation then after the first date, maybe 5 dates maybe after years of a committed relationship. You just have to go for what you want. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
@oneLBcloser@xanga - your a disgusting double talker. you can't even follow your own advice. 99.9% of guys are over confident pricks and the rest of us get left out.
john
@oneLBcloser@xanga - No offense but it sounds to me like you've already created a false story in your head that's your excuse not to ever approach a man. And how fair is that mentality? Confidence is just as important of a quality for women to have in life as well as the dating pool. Should a man not date you because your too intimidated to walk up to him?
Let me give an example, and let me say that I'm not trying to pick on you just offer an alternative view. I live in London. Everyday there are scores of attractive women (and men) that I walk by. Beauty is a commonality these days, especially in cities. Everyone is going to have options, thus if you want to have any shot at getting someone worthwhile you need to approach them. You said and quoted it yourself, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". Or better yet, if you try you might get exactly (or better yet, who) what you wanted. If you don't, you don't.
To get to the questions, you gain confidence by practice. After awhile it just becomes a routine and you continue to improve. Sometimes they're busy, sometimes they're cold, sometimes they may not even speak the same language as you (thank you London diversification), and sometimes it works out great. Your not going to know until you try and if you don't then your life will just be riddled with mediocrity and heaping piles of "What If".
Well this is going to make me sound awful, but oh well...it's the truth. No, I've never gone up to a guy and said some line like "hey you're hot. call me." But I have done crazy ass things to get his attention. I mean crazy lol. One time there was this guy I liked and he really liked a band...can't remember now which one...but anyway my friend and I walked by him and I made sure to mention the band's name loudly enough for him to hear while passing him. Sure enough he looked up and ended up approaching me. I've pranked call a guy from class that I liked...we ended up becoming friends and hooking up because I guess he thought it was kinky or something...I don't know. If my friends and I were at a club or bar my dancing used to get guys' attention so that was easy there. I've also just approached them in a more of hey let's be friends kind of way...but that sometimes backfires because they end up just being a friend...unless of course that was all you wanted to. But I'm to the point now in my life where I would just walk up to him and say what's up. I've outgrown the bullshit.
Watch for an opening. You could have gone up and asked him to show you how to play hacky sack.
I was at a bar once, and there was this bartender who was absolutely gorgeous and didn't seem like a sleeze ball. When I was in the restroom, I had a bit to drink and there was an employee at the sink. I asked her about him and she told me "he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he is actually a great guy." The next time I went to the bar, a few drinks in, I wrote my number on a piece of paper and one of my guy friends gave it to the bartender and pointed me out. We are somewhat friends now, though it never went any further. But that was the only time I had ever done anything like that. Being drunk and having some back up definitely helped.
On the other hand, I met a guy last weekend. He is super-model-hot and was very sweet and told me he really liked me. We met through a mutual friend, so it wasn't like he was a complete stranger. We stayed up all night long talking, he kissed me, and I really felt I had been completely romanced. However at the end of the night, what did I do? I never returned his feelings for me, didn't leave my number, and left without saying goodbye. For whatever reason, my fear of rejection is still strong even in this case, and I've convinced myself if he really meant that he liked me, he will seek me out. ><
I think its completely normal to be intimidated by men. And sadly I have zero advice for this situation. But I suppose when you find the guy that's really worth it, we will over come our fears and go for it.
There are several less direct ways to approach someone like that if you don't know what to say. Ask for directions (you just arrived at uni, so it makes sense). Say you like his T-shirt (this works best if he's wearing a band shirt). Or you could just smile at him and hold eye contact a little longer than you normally would and see if he approaches you.
But chances are, he's just a normal person, no matter how cool or how cute he is. He doesn't have everything all figured out, either. He probably also has his moments when he wonders if he's cool enough to approach someone who interests him.
females just want what they cant have.
@Guteman91 - In my case, I have no urge to go up and talk to a guy and give him my number. I'm friendly to everyone I see and interact with, and if someone comes along and presents themself to me maybe I'll accept, but I'm not really actively looking for anything. Like you said, attractive people walk by all the time. If one seeks me out, it sets them apart and that's how I PERSONALLY begin to develope interest. But if she sees someone and really wants to talk to them, she absolutely should! I just didn't want to give that advice without admitting that I myself, wouldn't do it. Not for lack of confidence, but just because I can't imagine someone's looks alone giving me an incredible urge to meet them.
@old_virgin - Wow... I don't even know where to start with you. You seem to have a lot of resentment toward the human race for your own shortcomings.
didn't know how much girls were scared!
It's up to the guy to seduce the girl and we have to be bolder to bust
through the scaredness and the knee jerk reactions
we have to be bolder to look past her attempts at initial self sabotage
guys usually approach me first. I've only approached 2 guys and that was when I was in school. one guy I liked for a while and the other guy I asked to prom. neither worked out. guys that seek me out first tend to pay more attention to me and adore me than if I chased him first because they like the challenge. I've seen plenty of attractive men but they are just quick eyecandy like omg he's cute, then whatever, then omg he's cute too, but whatever. if there's a shortage of cute guys in my area, then it would be more of a novelty and I'd consider talking to them more but they'll still be around:D
"My life has been filled with creepy men giving me unnecessary attention that I don't want..."
Story. of. my. life.
you'll never know til you try is what i always say
I'm never afraid to approach men. In fact, I'm usually the one who makes the first move.
If I had been in your situation, I might have walked up to him and made up some kind of ridiculous story about how I was hoping to join an Olympic Hacky Sack team and could really use all the practice that I could get. Obviously, he would know there was no such thing, but it would be a light hearted way of letting him know I'd like to talk to him. You're also showing interest in his hobbies.
With this humour, you're prepared for him to either say "sorry, I'm on my way some where", or "sure, I've got a minute to spare".
Just a thought.
I totally hear you. I do find guys very intimidating, especially if they have other people around them. I feel like ever since I've come to university, I've been a lot more tentative and less confident. There are some guys that I could never get the nerve to approach, but I have approached a few. I find that if I don't think too much about it and just do it, its usually a lot easier. The guy I'm seeing right now, I approached first. I told him I thought he was the cutest thing, we ended up talking for a bit and he eventually asked for my number. I would never offer my number first, I'm just not that forward. With that said, I definitely agree with @P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga, guys tend to show a lot more interest when they're trying to win you over. You only live once, and you'll never know unless you try.