Wednesday, 07 September 2011
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The Fine Art of Selecting Casual Partners
There are certain times in life where we pine for the true love Disney princesses and romantic comedies promise. And then there are other times where we really could care less about dating and simply want to get laid.I found myself in this state after breaking up with a boyfriend. I knew I wasn’t in a place to see anyone seriously. I wanted to cultivate my interests, hobbies, work on my career, ie, live the life plan described in the Destiny’s Child song “Independent Women.”
Two men came into my life around the same time. We will call them Jebediah and Ephram because I feel that pseudonyms today have an embarrassing lack of creative pizzazz.
Both things began casually, but at a certain point I didn’t want to keep seeing them simultaneously. (Call me a prude, but sometimes you only need one booty call at a time.)
Of the two, Jebediah was a much better human being, objectively speaking. He was good-natured, sweet, and easygoing. I didn’t find him that physically attractive, but I felt that his other qualities made up for it. He would take me out for drinks and dinner, took a genuine interest in my life, etc. But even my casual relationship with him was lacking in several ways. For starters, I’m pretty sure he was brain dead. He told me he couldn’t remember ever finishing a book. For me, this was a huge turn off, considering I want to be a writer and reading sort of comes with the territory. Our conversations never went anywhere beyond the surface level “how was your day?” We didn’t relate to each other in a real way.
Ephram, on the other hand, was basically a deadbeat jerk. He had anger management issues, he lived with his parents, was debatably an alcoholic, and lost his third job waiting tables. Deep down Ephram wasn’t a bad guy, and he was certainly physically attractive, but he couldn’t get his life together. Given all of that, Ephram opened up to me, and the times we spent together were enjoyable, genuine, and honest. We had very deep conversations, which made the time we spent together the perfect blend of casual yet meaningful.
Things came to a front when Jebediah began texting me constantly. What pushed me over the edge was the way he approached the situation. He knew I did not want anything serious, and rather than sitting me down and having an honest conversation about it, he would constantly text me when drunk things like “I raellyyy likee u!” all spelled wrong, and then writing it off in person when I tried to discuss it. He was no longer respecting how I felt and instead, in a juvenile fashion, attempted to push the relationship further.
Of the two men, there was no doubt that Jebediah was a better guy. But the timing was completely off, and I had to end things with him and pick the guy who was ostensibly “worse.” (Granted, both in the long run would be terrible for me.) It’s an interesting scenario when you’re not looking for anything serious, because you might have to pick people who kind of suck in order to protect you/others from developing those pesky emotions when you’re not in a place to properly handle them.
How do you choose your casual hook ups? Have you ever selected a partner you knew wasn't right for you so that you wouldn't develop feelings?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (22)
no sex with either?
Mm I really only use two criteria when picking casual partners. Psycho, and hot. The hotter the better, the less psycho the better.
Hey girl. I hate to break it to ya, but using Disney, romantic comedies, and Destiny's Child as models for your relationships will never be healthy.
even though the guys i've chosen are attractive to me, i still had casual relationships with them but i guess bc i knew i didn't want to go more than just a casual relationship with them. i guess when you've done it enough, you have a light switch you can turn off and on to control it.
Honestly, I don't do casual relationships. I've had my one night stands, my friends with benefits (which were really only one night stand-ish multiple times. i don't get personal, it is what it is) and that's all. If I'm going to take enough interest to sit down and have dinner/drinks and talk about my life...I'm going to get attached and I know that about myself. It's either just sex and go home or sit and talk and sex comes after I like/love you. Maybe that's a weird way of thinking but it's worked for me thus far.
i'd like any sex any way i can get it but females never pick me. its hell here near houston.
john. a 39 y/o virgin
Casual sex is meaningless. Go have a connection with something made out of silicone until you find someone worthwhile.
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I'm done with casual sex after getting some experience with it under my belt.
I picked an Ephran as my eff buddy, and silly silly me fell in love with him. HARD. Do you know how much it sucks being in a relationship with someone who acts like a 14 year old that can legally drive and legally drink? (not at the same time hopefully) It's just no fun, and like yours, deep down he was a great, smart guy that I could have hours of uninterrrupted conversation with and who I felt truely understood me in every aspect. But he just "couldn't get it together". In my case, I knew I could keep my feelings in check and not let myself see him as anything more than sex, but he was so open with his feelings toward me and it just got deeper and deeper and he wanted to change his whole life for me etc, etc... so I caved and embraced it, and of course it didn't get better. Make sure HE doesn't develope feelings for YOU is my point, because having sex with someone who's in love with you is a hard thing to resist.
i fucking love your pseudonyms. hahahahahha.
I've definitely been in both of those situations before.
My "Jebediah" was completely wrong for me, then he wound up falling for me and it just made us fight all the time, Eventually I ended it with him, and though its been a year, he still calls me from time to time trying to rekindle something that was never there. Definitely a mistake.
However, my "Ephram" is actually an ex of mine, and now somewhat a best friend. We keep things in the best friend zone, and have a really great relationship as close friends, and since we are both still single and both still not ready for a relationship, we will occasionally see each other as more than friends, though it isn't often. We are upfront about everything that it is, and everything that it is not, and I'm glad for that.
I was a silly girl and walked into this without realizing: I was that naive.
Im 16 and he was a 27 year old funds manager with a bmv, huge condo and a bong. clocking it at $40,000 USD a month.and he had tattoos, was from chicago and i was besotted immediately. for gods sake, he was a FUNDS manager, his business card might aswell have said professional charmer as he was a ghost, always out wining and dining rich clients.
lets just say it started and ended with a bang
stupid females pick jebedah and ephram who are both losers.
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Nina Simone - I Get Along Without You Very Well
Destiny's Child - Emotion
Date: 10 Jan 2002 20:43:53 +0100
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This sounds like a case of a broken heart.
Your posts make me laugh out loud while still entertain and talk about serious topics, keep writing. It's refreshing.
Both dudes sounded like losers that you should have only fucked a few times, and then ditched. But, the pseudonyms sound like names of guys I actually have dated in the past, if only because I live in the bible belt. I've dated two Noahs, a Daniel, and am engaged to a Micah.