I’ve been there. I know the feeling. You just can’t believe it’s possible that anyone else has gone through what you’re currently dealing with. You and your situation are so indescribably unique that it would be impossible for someone to see things from your eyes.
“You don’t understand, I’ve never felt this way with anyone before. There was such an amazing spark, and so much chemistry, he just has to be the one, why can’t he see that?”
“We’ve been best friends forever (BFF’s) and I couldn’t ever see losing him. I’ll never know someone as well as I know him. You don’t get it.”
“But he keeps telling me that he loves me and that we’re meant to be together, he just needs his space right now.”
“It was so hard because we were in a long distance relationship. It would be so much better if we could just be near each other. You could never understand the pressures we went through.”
Well guess what? I do understand. When many people get into a relationship (especially an intense one) the rest of the world starts to blur out. Rationalization goes out the window, and you start to believe that no one can see what you see. But in all reality, you and I aren’t so different. You just can’t see that because you have blinders on, kind of like a prize racehorse. Until you allow someone to remove those peripheral vision blockers, you’ll only be able to look in one direction, the finish line. People in relationships can never take a step back to see the reality of the situation. They will hold onto something that is so wrong, for so long, because they believe they had something different, something unique.
Yes, your relationship might be complicated, sure you might have been best friends, and it’s very possible that you are still madly in love with this person who just stomped on your heart, but sometimes we all need to take that step back and realize just how elementary our situation was in the grand scheme of things. There are 7 billion people in this world and chances are you’ve been dating for less than half of your life. And I would like to hedge a bet that you haven’t been to enough places, had enough experiences or been on enough dates for me to consider you in a place to say there’s only one person out there for you (and they just broke up with you).
If at first you fall off, get back up and try it again? Well that saying doesn’t work in relationships. If something didn’t work, don’t go back to it to fail a second time. If what you have is constantly making you upset, get out and go find something that will make you happy. Your dream guy could be at the coffee shop at the corner right now, but you’re sitting in your room stalking your ex on facebook to see if he’s posted any photos of him and other girls. There are other things out there, other people and other relationships.
I don’t care how unique you think your relationship is. Who cares if you have a cat together, or a house? Who cares if you get along with his mom so well? Who cares that you both love Indian food? It’s all just stuff. It can be erased if you open your mind to it, and you can find something better. Like a boy who likes Thai food! Or one that doesn’t hit you… It takes courage to leave, to turn your back and to put your past behind you. But it will be worth it in the end, I promise, because once you are really happy, you’ll be able to laugh at how uncomplicated your situation really was.
If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for your friends. I know friends are supposed to be this die hard support group, but there's a breaking point for everyone. Chances are they're tired of discussing the same issues over and over and you’re not doing anything about it… You know what’s worse than getting broken up with by someone who supposedly loved you? Losing your friends too because you repeatedly asked for their advice and never took it. A friend can only take so much before they start to get really annoyed with your lack of action or improvement. If you happen to be one of these people who drags the “why’s” and “how could he’s” and the “I don’t understand’s” out over weeks or months, my advice would be to get professional help. They're professionals for a reason, and it’s better than annoying the shit out of your friends.
WJNTY - Seth
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Comments (17)
I love (sarcasm) hearing people think they're special. It's not just with relationships either. It takes up their entire lives.
@MangoWOW@xanga - yes, I agree with you both, people believing they're special and unique is just awful.
@MangoWOW@xanga - usually the more "special" someone rattles off about being, the more bland and boring i assume they really are...
Yeah, while I actually do appreciate some of the sentiment you've put forth, relationships actually ARE different.
oh this is so true. I have friends that constantly ask me for advice about the same crap over and over, and then never go through with it. It gets old. I think I am just a pessimistic person because I don't believe in prince charming or that special person out there that will make everything ok. you have to make yourself happy first or no relationship you have will succeed.
as far as my relationship...i know it's messed up and there are different problems. I accept it and deal with it. I keep hoping one day my husband will grow up...but I don't think that's going to happen. But when I get fed up with his immaturity I'll deal with it...and not ask everyone over and over what should i do...because no matter what anyone says I'm just going to do what I want anyway.
Every relationship has its idiosyncrasies, if you are ready to just get up and walk out of every relationship you have, how many friends would you have? The vague ideas you're putting forth, in practice, would actually count your friendships as pathological... in addition to any relationship that must overcome adversity. Usually going through troubles and maintaining a relationship can actually make it much stronger in the long run experts (and I) say. You didn't actually mention anything very bad.
imagine going to a relationship counselor and hearing this lol
Is this a joke? I went through all of those things with the man I love and now we're back together and the happiest of all the couples that we know. Most long-term relationships would include ALL of those things and more.
I agree that a lot of people will mope about how much a certain person meant to them and how they will never find someone like that person again. That is very true though---no person's relationship will be the same as another's, and that's what makes it unique. Logically, I know if my wonderful relationship were to someday end that there is a fair chance I'll meet someone compatible with me again, but that also means I will never have that same relationship again.
Maybe a new guy could even offer me things that my current man doesn't have---low temper, lots of money, a good relationship with his mom, etc. But that also means the new guy can lack things that I already experienced, like complete devotion, good communication, etc.
I think it's fair to mourn the loss of someone you've been with for years because you will have never have that same experience again. Yes, you can find someone new and even someone better suited for you, but you're still forced to adapt to a new life without that person.
@reesa14@xanga - I agree if it's abusive or there is no chance of it working out then you should move on. But otherwise I see this as a bizarre slur on commitment, passion, devotion, and differences in relationships.
i was under the impression that people over the age of 12 don't say this.
The long distance thing his hard for most people, a couple break ups during it is expected... But if you truely care for each other, you'll still remain in contact and still love eachother.
Basically an "I'm in love with you, but I can't be in a relationship with you right now because of the circumstances, and I hope you respect the reasons for that".
Then later on in life, if the circumsances are better, you can still get back together, and that's fine.
I just don't agree with your sentiment about these kinds of things. It's one thing to get fed up but to leave a friend because of it? I've gone through some rough patches with friends and their relationships but I've never thought of just leaving or stop being their friend. Sometimes they have to learn it the hard way and by themselves but I'm always there for my friends because I know I too, can be just as annoying with or without a relationship.
Actually I like to think all relationships are different because the people involved are different. No two people are alike.
So no, I don't agree with your feelings on this at all.
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Obviously the people who disagree so strongly with this are either the people you're referring to or they are missing the point.
You have to have "dealbreakers". If the person you love does something or has a personality trait that makes your relationship a constant uphill battle, you need to understand that there is probably someone BETTER suited for you out there. That's where those blinders come in. You think this relationship is the beginning and end of your entire spectrum of love. You think they are your soul mate for the "good" parts and you just have to accept the bad and/or try to change it. You can't change people. And you can't compromise your own well being for the sake of a relationship that is probably not the best you could have.
If someone leaves YOU, you need to accept it. Of course there's a peroid of depression and all the steps of grieving, you need to have a grip on reality. It is what it is, and being single is one step closer to finding the BEST one for you.
I recently had to leave the "love of my life" because he had a drug problem. Of course for a while I stood by him and did what I could to save the relationship. But it came to a point where I had to take a step back and look at the whole picture. No matter how much I loved him, I could not change him. No matter how much he loved me, it was not the solution to his problem. Not that losing me HELPED him any, but it helped me in the long run and in reality didn't change his problem either way.
Maybe one day stars will align and bring us back together, or maybe one day I'll find someone I love again. Either way, I had to make a choice that didn't feel natural because it was logical. People in love tend to lack logic.
Lmfao
I agree on all points. I have to yell at myself like this sometimes! It really helps to realize that "hey, this heart break thing I'm going through? It feels rather familiar... infact, I know I've cried like this before, and I found someone else then. Lets skip the dramatics and start moving on!"
@xraindropsonroses@xanga -
"The long distance thing his hard for most people, a couple break ups during it is expected... But if you truely care for each other, you'll still remain in contact and still love eachother.
Basically an "I'm in love with you, but I can't be in a relationship with you right now because of the circumstances, and I hope you respect the reasons for that".
Then later on in life, if the circumsances are better, you can still get back together, and that's fine."
Sorry had to re-quote way too perfect.