Tuesday, 06 September 2011
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I'll Have What She's Having: Faking the Female Orgasm
You know the scene. Sally tells a disbelieving Harry that most women in their lives have faked it. “They don’t fake it with me,” he retorts. Then Meg Ryan throws her head back, moans for a good 30 seconds as the entire restaurant stares, and voila! A fake orgasm is born at Katz’s deli.Why do women fake orgasms? There is a lot of hostility towards women who fake it. They are, after all, lying in the midst of the most intimate act two people can share. But one must evaluate the reasons behind why women fake orgasms, rather than writing them off in a collective lump of shy and deceptive people unwilling to communicate with their partners.
The male and female body work differently. Biologically speaking, only a man needs to orgasm for procreation to take place. Therefore, sex is in a sense designed for male pleasure, and female pleasure is a secondary byproduct of the act. Conventional (re: vanilla) sex involves missionary penetration, a position which often does not reach a woman’s g-spot. That’s why we hear over and over again about foreplay, clitoral stimulation, and the whole slew of Kama Sutra positions.
That brings us to another issue. Often the goal is not for a woman to orgasm. Especially in more casual sexual encounters, men either disregard this entirely, or simply have sex hoping for the best but not assuming anything will happen one way or the other. This is not necessarily anyone’s fault: cultural assumptions about the female orgasm have added a heightened element of elusiveness and myth to the whole process.
Women may fake an orgasm because they are embarrassed or uncomfortable. In casual experiences, women might feel that they do not want to be difficult or needy, as they are trying to make a good impression on someone. Who wants to feel like their sexuality is an arduous, time-consuming process one must invest in, when they could be easygoing and sexually agreeable?
In relationships, a number of women fake orgasms in order to protect the ego of their partner, and so the lie is in fact an attempt at protecting feelings. Women fear men can’t help but take a personal hit to their pride if they have been unable to make a woman orgasm, since conventional definitions of masculinity are so tied to the sexual prowess of the male. Some women themselves do not know what gets them off, which is why so many workshops and books focus on the female’s own self-exploration so that she can know what works for her.
Even in casual experiences, communication should not be so shunned on this subject. Both partners should enjoy themselves rather than assuming the male will get off, and the woman might as a hopeful afterthought. Men, too, have their preferences, and both parties should be vocal. In hetero relations, men need to patient and clear that they are non-judgmental, while women need to be open and honest. Even if sex does not always reach orgasm 100% of the time, that doesn’t mean the experience cannot be enjoyable, honest, and meaningful.
Do you judge women who fake orgasms? Have you ever faked an orgasm?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (55)
I think faking orgasms is awful. You're leading your partner into thinking that they are actually pleasing you which is neither beneficial for you, or them. I prefer communicating my needs and actually having real orgasms.
I just did it a couple times to my boyfriend because he seemed like he was trying so much harder than usual and I just wasn't really feeling it those few times. :P
and one time he thought I had my orgasm when really I was just being loud and shaky, so he stopped. but omg I was so fucking exhausted I just didn't care.
maybe his stamina is low and he's a premature ejaculator, so the female gets worked up, but he's already done, while she is left hanging
why do you build me up buttercup only to let me down
that's why I like the men, who workout regularly and seem to have more testosterone, power and endurance to keep going at it
I can't fake it. I can't even fake a smile because if I'm not feeling it, it shows. better to let him know so we can both do something about it to improve than letting it continue if it becomes a problem. sex without at least one orgasm is like watching a movie with the climactic parts cut out, so you watch the movie and you're left wondering that something is missing
I'd rather be told "I'm not into it" than have a girl fake it. I'd be more insulted by a fake orgasm than a frank admission that she's not into the sex. At least the first one is honest.
Sometimes I just can't come and it has nothing to do with my boyfriend, but if he didn't at least want to make me come and usually make me come, I'd have some thoughts on the matter
. Personally I'd prefer to tell them the truth, it's not like it's a big deal.
@suggestivetongue@xanga - "I think faking orgasms is awful. You're leading your partner into thinking that they are actually pleasing you which is neither beneficial for you, or them. I prefer communicating my needs and actually having real orgasms."
Agreed. Faking orgasms are pointless. Your partner is probably thinking he's doing something right when he's actually not. And he's going to keep on doing what he's doing and you're basically cheating yourself of an orgasm you deserve. Now if you viewed it from your partner's perspective, how would you feel? I know if my partner was faking orgasms with me, I would be hurt.
The only situation where I believe it's acceptable to fake it is where it's a one night stand and your partner is frankly, awful. You fake it, they feel good, and you can leave and get on with your life. I myself have actually done this. Yes ladies, shocking I know, but men can fake orgasms and you can be bad in bed.
Anything other than a one night stand and faking it is pointless and probably harmful to the relationship, because eventually your going to be resentful that your partner can't get you off, but then whose fault is that? If your faking orgasms there's probably a lot more wrong in your relationship than just that; likely some communication issues which then translates to emotional issues, which then in turn will only make it more difficult for you to orgasm. In short, a vicious cycle.
Personally, I'll take the constructive criticism and if anything, GUIDE ME! Then next time I'll know exactly what to do and we can both enjoy ourselves. Screw my pride or whatever insecurities I might have.
Although, and this is not to brag, I don't believe that I've had too many women "fake it" with me. But that is because I'm an erotica writer, I have a better idea of what people (especially women) want with regards to sex. It also helps that I've taken massage therapy courses, I know the "erogenous zones", and that I have no issue with foreplay lasting for hours, in fact I encourage it. Guys, it's not wham, bam, and done. Seduce, ravish, and ravage. If you take the time to get her off, then she'll be happy, thus wanting sex more, and thus making you happy. Tell your "Other Head" to shut up for a few more minutes while you tend to her needs.
And...I've rambled enough.
raisin bran is my favorite cereal
@chrisrogersistheman@xanga - Well said.
i just like it when the guy i love comes lol but maybe thats just me
Think about it. It's the same thing if a guy doesn't like the way your meal tastes, but tells you it tastes great. Wouldn't you be pissed if you found out he didn't like it?
@laytexduckie@xanga - On one hand, that is a good analogy; women who think that a man enjoys their cooking will probably make it the same way over and over again until he's had enough and explodes.
On the other hand, women wouldn't get any real pleasure from cooking a gourmet meal the same way a man eating said meal would be getting.
Granted, the solution in both cases would be to act upfront with your partner and let them know that what they're doing isn't working for you; it comes down to the pleaser's reaction, in this case. You want a partner who won't overreact to your honesty.
i don't think i can ever fake it.
It's a lose-lose situation. I don't get my satisfaction and my partner has the false pre tense of what they were doing, is what works from me. They'll keep doing it, and they i'll never get off!
It happpens. You do what you do and hope for better the next time.
Sometimes I just want sex to be done, for any number of reasons. I usually have just one, but sometimes many, but my bf just thinks he has to keep going to make a lot happen. There have been times when I'm like yeah it's not going to happen again, but that's a mood killer. So, sometimes it helps just a little bit if you're trying to get to bed because you have work in the morning.
Sex just isn't about orgasm for me. I like it when it happens I guess.
Okay the line "sex is essentially designed for male pleasure" is a tad misleading. Women were designed to enjoy sex more than men, because it is essential for the species that women do it often to enable the human race to continue. Hell if guys didn't orgasm we would still do it, because of competition, need to pass on genes etc a whole host of reasons. If it hurt women, especially with our evolved brains, the species would have died out long ago.
Oh and I like to think no girl has faked an orgasm with me. Call me old fashioned, but yeah, I think I am decent in the sack.
Men that get offended by a woman faking it don't understand women at all.
Sex is a mental thing. And women a lot of times cannot shut their mind off.
So even if a man is good, they can't bring it home.
Men need to do a lot more foreplay
verbal seduction
and Alcohol helps this a lot :)
And she has to WANT to orgasm...
some women won't because they are afraid of peeing or going first or being selfish etc etc.
@Footballblogs@xanga - if a girl tells you they do every time they are lying.
@Sandra - That's a good catch. Well I find it easier to make a girl cum with my hands and mouth rather than good ol' fashioned, so my success rate is artificially skewed. Plus learning how to use a dildo to compliment yourself is a great saver (tip: never get her a dildo bigger than you). The best part of sex for me is watching a girl orgasm anyway so I think that helps because my motivation doesn't slip.
In my mind, faking an orgasm is essentially lying to someone to make them feel better. I find it extremely insulting when anyone does that to me.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Of course. The underlining point was to not lie about it and play the lie out because it is going to affect both parties negatively.
@pinkdagger@xanga - haha, thank you
this is going to sound so messed up but here I go lol...sometimes late at night when I'm really sleepy and my husband wants some I'll tell him upfront that I'm not going to get into it. But he still tries to get me in the mood...which sometimes he does, but if i'm really sleepy and it's not happening HE'LL ASK ME to fake it lol hahaha.