Tuesday, 06 September 2011
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The Solution for Unmarried Middle-Class Black Women? Is Marriage for White People?
As a little background information, I'm an eighteen year old freshman at the biggest university in Virginia. I finished fifth in my high school class and I came into my very first year of college with 22 college credits. I was chosen by my teachers as student of the year for my graduating class. And last, but not least, I'm an African American woman who hasn't dated an African American male in more than three years. I didn't understand why I didn't have an attraction to them until I came across something eye opening. I logged into Facebook to see a very interesting post appear on my screen. It was a link with the title, "Is Marriage For White People?" Of course, I clicked it and it wasn't at all what I thought it would be.
This article by Jessica Bennett, which can be found here, consists of some background and an interview from Stanford law professor Ralph Richard Banks, the African American author of the book entitled Is Marriage for White People?: How the African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone. He states that middle class black women should marry white men. His reasoning is, in my opinion, extremely correct. Middle class black women are 50% less likely to marry than middle class white women are.
Unmarried black middle class women are more likely to be celibate and less likely to have children compared to white women. Banks believes that this isn't by choice but is instead caused by the fact that a successful black woman cannot find a black male counterpart to match her success level. They are then unwilling to marry a black man who isn't "up to par" with them on the educational, social, or economical levels.
Banks also brings up the very important fact that black woman now obtain two times the bachelor degrees that black men receive and that black women are the largest group to have better educational backgrounds than their partners. “It’s time for black women to stop being held hostage to the deficiencies of black men,” Banks says. “They should emancipate themselves and not feel as if they have no option but make the best of this bad situation. Black women have been taking one for the team for a long time.”
Professor Banks also mentions that black women often fail to leave the comfort zone of dating black men because they feel as if they're "selling out" by not sticking to what they know. He even mentions fear of white men not being attracted to a black woman and the awkwardness of having to tell him "I have extensions..." or "I use a relaxer..." due to the cultural differences.
Since reading this article, I've realized a lot about where I stand in the "dating world" due to my educational background. I don't have the fears that the women who confide in Professor Banks have about stepping over the ethnic boundary and I'm not asserting that I'd never be in a relationship with a black man. However, for the same reasons that professor Banks stated, I'm attracted to successful men with a good head on their shoulders. And frankly, we don't have that in today's society.
Now, my fellow Xangans/Datingishers, what's your opinion on this subject? Do you think Banks undermined black men? Or is he right on with his assertions? What's the "white man's" view on this situation?
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About the Author
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- From: meaganbme93@xanga
- About Me: I'm the eighteen year old daughter of four amazing parents (a mom, a stepdad, a dad, and a stepmom) and the oldest sister to six (yes, six) amazing siblings. I'm taken by the most amazing guy I've ever met. I know that sounds "overused" but it's definitely true. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. There's a good chance he'll be the man I spend the rest of my life with. I'm one of those girls who goes out of her way in school and works really hard at everything which is why I've earned enough college credits to enter into college as a sophomore at Virginia Commonwealth University in Fall 2011. I'm majoring in Chemistry in order to become a pharmacist.
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Comments (20)
To me this leans too far toward intellectualizing love and attraction and compatability.
I'm attracted to black women. I'm up for this!
@DivaJyoti@xanga - Agreed.
lmao.
We're beating a dead horse with this topic. I'm one of the very few black men who in less than a year will have the title M.D. after my name as well as 3 other degrees of higher education to go along with my medical degree (BS, MS and MPH). I know countless black women getting law degrees, medical degrees, and business degrees who complain about the same thing-they can't find a brotha on their "level". The funny thing is sometimes they look for a dude who isn't anywhere close to being in professional school-or if they do they like to mix it with being a thug-hence the term "educated thug" said by a female classmate of mine. Some black women have to compromise if they want to find a decent black man to be with. Yea it's not easy to find black men like me-we are rare in today's society because of numerous factors I'd have to do a separate blog about. He doesn't have to be a super-duper educated guy who went to Harvard but if he at least has his Bachelor's degree and has a decent job doing something I say take it and run.
Wow. While this sheds insight, its my belief that the problem between Black men and women is deeper. In general I feel our rolls as women have changed drasticaly while a mans roll is virtualy the same. Being open to other races is a personal choice and when it comes to love. Degrees, money or skin color are ultimately inconsequential to me as a Black woman.
i read an article about this in the economist. i think he says black women should expand their dating horizons to other races, not that they should just date white men. or rather, that they should choose individuals with similar education levels/goals instead of just choosing a similar racial background (above all else).
The solution is to marry the person you're in love with who is right for you, whether he's black or not. I don't believe in allowing statistics to influence my dating choices. Black men are awesome, and I've met plenty of smart, talented, successful ones. And I know they have degrees, because I went to college with them. They may not be as easy to find as I wish they were, but that doesn't mean they don't exist and/or I should give up and go find a white guy.
And as for settling for someone who isn't what you're looking for just because they are a certain race? Terrible idea. Don't settle for anything you don't want, period.
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I can see that. they say women with master's degrees have a hard time dating because they want someone on their level but men don't want someone who is more educated than them... so basically they have to look for other people with masters degrees! that's not ALWAYS the case, but still.
I agree with you regarding this post about how black woman should exercise their dating options! Personally, though not to sound stereotypical but I do feel comfortable dating my race because I feel that they understand my culture and a lot of things don't have to really be explained. In the past, I have unsuccessfully tried to date other races in particular asian men but I always felt that they were intimidated my presence because my personality was too much for them (even though they constantly complained about how they can't get other women). But for some reason I was always attracted to black men and well I ended up being with my first boyfriend for 4 1/2 years who is half black and half asian. (Yes, he is that sexy.) I think overall that you are who you attract. Or if you're a certain way you'll attract certain races and certain people because of your personality. Also I believe that the race that you attract is the guy that suits you well the most. For women, as for finding a good man we gotta get them at their cycle when they want to be with one woman which is when you're young cause after that it goes downhill! Because there's a certain creatures called hoes that'll corrupt a good man and make him believe that all women should be treated like one night stands!
I didn't read the original article by Banks, but I did read Bennett's commentary/article on it, and as a Black woman, I'd have to say that I disagree. Judging from what I've read, I do feel like Bennett and Banks are undermining Black men. So many of the 'valid' points made in this article are generalizations, and we all know there are exceptions to all these in reality.
In addition, the article doesn't take into perspective the other end of this deal; dating requires mutual attraction or interest. Yes, black women should be encouraged to date outside of their race, but another study done earlier this year states that Black women are the least desired by men of every other race. Take from it what you will, but it's just a thought. I also read a lot of responses to that article and like many people stated, the number of abbreviations after your name, titles, or pieces of paper you have acquired are not always the most accurate indication of intelligence and education. Unfortunately we live in a society that looks to said items for confirmation. Lord knows how many incredibly talented, wise and successful people whom I've met who aren't formally educated.
With all that said, I won't lie to you. I've only ever dated white guys. It's just always ended up that way.
Don't know how correct the author is, but I'm not white, I'm not black, I'm actually brown, but I love smart beautiful women, irregardless of their skin color. I'm educated, still getting more education and yeah, I don't want someone to wash my dishes and cook my food, I can do that myself. I would like to know that the woman I go to bed with, is also one I can talk with about politics, religion, science, etc. I already have some to talk to but doesn't understand what the hell I have to say, her name is cutie and she is my German Shepherd dog. And by brown I mean latino.
@lil_fire_bella@xanga - I would have to disagree with you. Black women are no less desireable than any other woman. Having gone to Rutgers in New Brunswick and seeing the number of mixed race couples there, I can attest to the fact that intellect, education and manners, trump race, color, creed, etc.. Educated men, like educated women.
@olopocram2@xanga - Oh I agree with you entirely! I personally don't think black women are any less desirable than any other race. I was just basing it on research done by another respected magazine.
Haha, I'm marrying a black woman.
Well, I can't say that is true. I think men like women who make themselves desirable. Maybe black women should work on that more. Nothing is permanent. If we want to be viewed as worthy and desirable, we need to become that with our own assets. Getting in tip top health and condition is a start. The second should be getting a refined style. All men love classy looking and acting women.
@lil_fire_bella@xanga - Please read my comment.
@lil_fire_bella@xanga - True...also black women need to realize that they/we determine our own image. If we want to be viewed favorably, then we need to be quality both externally and internally. Most black women get caught into thinking everything is absolute and it's not. They must first understand the qualities that make a woman desirable and constantly reflect that authentically. In terms of black women's desirability in the research, maybe it's accurate right now but only we can determine whether it will be later. Let's use this time to prune ourselves into the swans we're meant to be. Most of us have everything it takes: Good genes that stay young looking even into old age when cared for, smooth skin, round eyes, dense hair, full soft lips, and beautiful curves. We really are sitting on a gold mine but the problem is that we don't know how to do anything with our natural features. All of those qualities mentioned are potent signs of fertility, youth, and beauty when they are maximized. Yes, meaning work has to be put into all of those things to reflect their beauty. It all starts with becoming fit and healthy and until black women realize this, they/we will be the constant target for ridicule and disrespect. Nobody respects a young woman that allows her youth to be trashed.
The logic is sound.