Tuesday, 06 September 2011
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How Do I Trust My Fiance Again?
I'm 22 years old and got engaged recently. my fiance and I are in a long distance relationship, he's always been very very good to me, we get along well, we have excellent communication, and we're in contact at ALL times. He's on a plane at least once every two months to see me, we do video chat in the day and the rest of time we're on the phone.
I have never had a problem trusting him in the past because of the fact that we're always in touch. He loves me very much and I love him just as much. When he came the last time to see me he left his email open on my laptop. I don't usually close tabs and he didn't close the window so it was just there. A few days after he left, I was about to open my own email when i noticed his was open. I didn't think anything at the time because he does business and most of his emails are work related.
I noticed there was an option in mail where I could view his conversations on Yahoo Chat. I was not going to go through his conversations because there were a lot of video calls from me and private messages. I did, however... because I was curious to know who he spoke to on messenger. When I went through his conversations I was most shocked at what I had discovered. I saw conversations between him and random girls online... girls he claimed were his friends.
He was flirting with them and this one girl he had liked in the past, he was talking to about sex and so on and about how he missed her. He asked her if she still loved him! These conversations were during the time he was in a relationship with me, most of the conversations were short but it hurt a lot when I read those things. I confronted him that same evening about what I had seen.
I asked him about the conversations and sent them to him so that he couldn't deny what I was saying. I asked him how he could have betrayed me that way, I felt like what we had was all a lie, like it never existed. All the confidence I had in him was instantly broken and everything gone, all the love I had for him turned into hate at that moment. I was very furious and told him that I was going to leave him.
He of course called many times and said he was extremely sorry for what had happened. He said that he was bored and said useless things to these girls to see how far they'd go and that he didn't mean anything by the conversations, because these girls lived in different countries. I honestly know that he loves me but it's so hard to trust him again. Now every time his phone rings I'm suspicious because I tend to want to know who's texting him.
He cleaned up his Yahoo list and so on. Things have gotten better since I discovered these hurtful conversations and i'm trying to forget about these things. He has tried his best to make me feel better but I still think that he texts these girls sometimes. I ask him and he says he doesn't but I don't know what to believe. What hurt the most is that he is my first boyfriend and I never expected him to do this to me. Even if he's never physically cheated on me, I felt betrayed by what I saw and I just don't know how to handle situations anymore because everything eventually turns into an argument.
He tries to make me feel better by staying calm but I just don't know how to forget about what happened.
Any advice?
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- From: mandykinz
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Comments (55)
After reading this blog and in light of all the past (and probably future) datingish posts about trust issues with your S.O., every time I come away thinking:
Stop.dating.jerks. Break up with them. Your life will be happier! The end.
:)
Find a new boyfriend you trust enough to not go snooping through his laptop. Good luck!! :)
Honestly, I've been there (in your shoes) and I know how you feel. If you want to move forward with your relationship, you have to forgive him and slowly learn how to trust him again. If not, your relationship won't be going anywhere bc all you will remember is what you saw and how hurt you were. Trusting someone who broke your trust won't be easy, but you'll have to take baby steps and your s/o will also have to prove to you that he can be trusted again. If you can't get that out of your head or you can't trust him again, move on bc that's your best bet. You don't want to be in a relationship when you are always doubting him bc that will also cause problems in your relationship in the near future.
Are you that dense or do you just forgive that easily? If he is your fiancee that means he swore himself to you. Not several other women. It would be stupid for you to marry someone who's already not totally loyal to you before you even tied the knot.
What jeezshoua said.
If you really want to trust him again, if you truly fell he is worthy of trying to make it work then it's going to take a lot of effort on your part too. I personally don't think I would be able to handle it, it takes a lot of effort to truly forgive and to let things go. I tend to be the type of person to hold onto things too much.
Trusting him again can be extremely tough, and you may never be able to get there unless you truly try and he does too. I would let him know that since your trust is broken it will take a lot to gain it back. If he loves you like you say he does, he will want to work just as hard with you to rebuild it.
But, if for ANY reason you find out he betrays your trust again (he still flirts with other girls, etc.), I say drop him. "Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me." If he doesn't understand now how this has effected you he may never will. He should have no desire now to do those things again if he truly cares about you.
i dunno, that's just too much. it's too underhanded and sketchy. i would probably have to leave. there are honest men out there. at least i hear as much..
You either to forgive and forget or break up with you. You can't just stay with him and be angry about the same thing forever.
He's lying. It didn't "mean nothing", and even if it did, would you really want to be with someone who plays with other people's emotions that easily?!
I honestly wouldn't want a guy like that as my fiance. If I was you, I'd break up with him fast. What kind of douche "says useless things" to girls? It's wrong to play with peoples' emotions like that. If he plays other girls so easily, what makes you think he won't do it to you?
If you're worried about him still communicating with those other girls then ask to see his phone or his phone records. By cheating on you, he gave up the right to be able to keep those things private from you.
Good luck and I hope he sincerely regrets what he did.
Dump him, don't bother trying to fix the relationship, and you would be stupid to ignore this. He DOESN'T LOVE YOU. People who love each other don't do things like that.
As many times as you try to justify WHY you read those conversations, you had to THINK something was up. Otherwise you would have closed it out, no questions asked.
You snooped, you found your fear was TRUE.
Trust was broken and without trust, your relationship will fail. You either decide now whether the relationship is worth it or not.
It really pisses me off though (I've been here) that he did that to you... and I don't even know you.lol.
Personally, I think you can do better. B/c how can anyone that says "I love you"- even care about having those type of conversations with anyone else?
Blah.
It's cliche but time heals all wounds. You're never going to forget what he did, and there will always probably be a small amount of anger associated with those memories...but eventually you'll start to feel better. Sometimes people make mistakes and learn from them, and sometimes they don't. Keep your eyes open and be cautious if you continue to pursue the relationship.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - honest men..lol. I hear the same thing, but honestly I believe there are men who get caught and there are men who smart/lucky enough not to. But that's just the pessimistic side of me I can't help. I'm sure there are honest guys out there...somewhere.
My fiance also has Yahoo Messenger with a lot of girls' screen names. I just don't have any evidence to say that he's still talking to them- I'm betting much of them were from before while he was single.
Run.
yeah just move on as many said before me. not worth the tenson and fears. it will turn you into a paranoid woman. @_@ so move away from him.
So the question is, has this incident destroyed the trust? Think very very carefully.
I was in almost the same exact position, a couple years ago, that you are in now. I was never engaged, but I dated this guy for three years. He did the same exact thing to me behind my back for the whole three years we were together. We were also long distance, but only for the first year. I found everything pretty much the same way too, except when he left his email open and I tabbed over to close it, there were emails with subjects like, "Don't let your girlfriend read this". Which is why I immediately pursued exploiting his privacy, which further resulted in me always finding out what he was doing behind my back. He had several girls that he would have conversations with, just like the conversations you described. He did it through email, aim, texts, and he even received and sent out provocative pictures with these girls. By the end of it, I counted 11 different girls he did this shit with, throughout the whole duration of our relationship. He also denied it when I would confront him, then I'd throw evidence in his face and he would give the same piss-poor sob story too: "It didn't mean anything... blah blah bullshit". As if it wasn't insulting to my intelligence enough when he denied and lied to my face, like I wouldn't fucking find out anyway.
I felt the same as you do: furious, hurt, inadequate, used, betrayed etc. He was my first for a lot of things, so I stayed with him because I wanted to make it work. He never stopped lying or pulling that shit behind my back, so I ended up breaking it off and it was for the better. You are currently going through the same mental anguish I did: constantly wondering who he's talking to and what's being said, if he's still lying and just hiding it better, what he's doing when he's not with you, etc. I promise you, you are better off walking away now. You deserve a lot better, do not put yourself through that kind of mental torment for this guy, no one is worth it. If the worry is constantly in the back of your mind, you are not happy. That kind of thing will eat away at you and make you completely miserable. It will be hard to walk away from the relationship, but you'll be glad you did. You'll heal and move on, but if you stay with him it'll end up being a "forgive but never forget" scenario, and it's "never forget" because it never heals. People make mistakes, mistakes can be forgiven and they can also be forgotten, but what you really need to establish with yourself is whether you can forget this or not. Relationships are built on trust, once trust is lost the relationship will shatter. You don't want to spend your life allowing your thoughts to run rampant over whether you can trust him or not. Even if you feel like you can, there is still always the fear of him doing it again later. The last thing you want is to put yourself through this mental anguish, somehow manage to rebuild the trust, and surprising start feeling better; only to have it all crumble again, as if he completely threw it in your face and leave you feeling even worse than the first time he did it. I know first-hand just how that feels.
If he really loved you, he wouldn't have done that to you. It doesn't have to be physical to be considered cheating. It's still something that makes you feel just as betrayed and heartbroken. I hope that helps and that everything works out for you.
well don't go looking for dirt + then be surprised when you find it .
that being said, you have two options .
1. stay - this means you can't continue to bring up the past . forgiving someone means that you let that shit go .
2 . leave - and don't look back . don't do that whole " omg i really miss him maybe i should go back " BS . if you leave then that means for good because there's a reason you walked away in the first place .
@apb102088@xanga - i totally agree!
UGH my ex did this to me too!! DOUCHEBAGS
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That's extremely disrespectful. Even though he didn't physically cheat on you, he did it mentally. If you continue this relationship I can garuntee you're going to think back to what he did for years to come, it'll always be lingering and festering, and you'll become paranoid and start accusing him even when he's innocent. I think you need to nip this in the bud and end the relationship. Not only does he need to realize the severity of talking to other girls like that, he needs to spend some time on his own and think about if he's mature enough for a serious relationship. He needs to figure out if he's ready to commit to you and not be a jackass. Maybe he'll learn a lesson and one day down the road it'll work out for you guys.
This is not going to be fixed unless you stop letting it bother you or you get rid of him. DO NOT marry a man you don't trust.