Monday, 05 September 2011
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When to Say “I Love You” (Hint: Not When Drunk)
The year is 2007. It’s the summer before my sophomore year of college, and I'm involved with my first serious boyfriend (I’m not counting the boy I dated at 16 who dropped out of high school to become a Buddhist monk) (Seriously). We’d been dating for about 7 months and I very naturally realized that I loved him. That was all sweet and dandy, but I had absolutely no idea how or when to tell him.Like every woman must do, I gathered together a group of girlfriends for something akin to an “I love you” tribunal. Each girl weighed in and voted on how and when I should proceed with this L-word business. The advice ran the gamut of opinions.
“Just blurt it out!”
“The guy should say it first. I think you should wait. What if he doesn’t say it back?”
“Get drunk and say it.”
“Get him drunk and make him say it! I don’t know how a person would do that, actually.”
“Pass the nachos.”
And so on.
The boyfriend and I were a state apart for the summer and only had a few weekend trips planned to see one another. Either because I am a sucker for old-fashioned romantics, or because it was a stall tactic, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to say I love you in any technological format. I did not want to text it, facebook it, email it, or even say it over the phone or on skype. I knew we’d back together in a few short months, and I felt it best to do the deed in person.
I felt peaceful with the decision, until one night when we were on the phone while he was intoxicated. It was a sweet conversation, but as his words slurred together and grammatical syntax fell by the wayside, I couldn't be wholly confident in his mental processing functions.
When it was time to hang up I said, “I miss you a lot. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He slurred out, “I miss you so much. And I love you.”
There was a pause.
Then we both fumbled out some guttural throat sounds, desperately overlapping each other “What?” “Ha!” “I mean..” “Wait, what?” “Ghhhuhgghh…”
Finally he started laughing really hard, and I laughed, too. “Yes, let’s talk tomorrow,” he said, and hung up.
We never mentioned the incident because I had no idea if it had been the liquor talking, or if he even remembered it. When we got back to school that semester, I sat him down on my bed. The time had come to address how I felt, regardless of whether he had meant his drunken babblings.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured to say anything back, but I need to be honest with you. I love you.” My heart was pounding and I held my breath.
He laughed and grabbed my hands. “You know I love you! I said it like a goofball over the summer, and have been waiting since then for you to acknowledge it!”
It all worked out well, and I learned that it’s generally best to just address how you’re feeling directly and/or when you’re not intoxicated. Of course, that relationship went down in horrendous flames about 6 months later, so what do I know?
Do you wait for the other person to say I love you first? When is the right time? How do you approach it?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (24)
I've lost too many people to hold back. If I love you I say it while I still have a chance to say it.
But then my love isn't based on someon loving me back. It's just loving them and it's enough that they know.
I don't think I've ever told someone I romantically loved them. I've told people I really liked them, just not said "I love you" in a romantic context.
And right now, I'm wondering whether or not to break it to my friend that the reason I've been visiting him since his accident, the reason I want to write a song with him, the reason I bring him CDs to listen to and DVDs to watch while he's recovering is not just because I'm a nice person and feel badly that he's in bed most of the day. It's also because I love him and have felt that way for over a year now. I guess I want some indication that he's not going to think I'm an idiot, some indication that he feels the same way. And some indication that telling an injured man that you're in love with him isn't somehow totally the wrong thing to do.
But I am glad it turned out right for you! It's always such a risk.
I've told...4 people I loved them. I think I only told one of them first, and that's the only person who never said it back. That person was also the last person I've said it to, with the exception of my family. I don't both getting emotionally connected to people anymore because they have become far too fleeting in my life. That said, if I was to reach a point with someone where I felt that way, I'd probably hold back until they said it. Emotions make me uncomfortable unless someone else expresses them first.
i don't understand this concept of "he should say it first, because what if he doesn't say it back?". why do girls seem to believe that it doesn't work in the other direction? i think if i was in his shoes, i'd have left you after that incident, since i'd have felt like i had more invested in the relationship than you did.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - yeah i'm kind of the same way, for the same reason. i've been fortunate that no one's ever said it to me, because i don't think i would say it back, and i wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i'm open to the idea that i might change my mind in the future, but if history is any indication, i don't think it's bound to happen anytime soon.
@drawmafreezone@xanga - I think when she says "I love you" to a guy, it entails an intense bond of romantic intimacy that she would like to last forever, but I'm just going out on a limb here.
@Lalaleah_Love@xanga - The idea that love is only love if it's mutual and committed has never made sense to me. Obviously those can be off shoots of love but I don't think they should be requirements.
@drawmafreezone@xanga - Right, well it seems like she means it how I phrased it, at least for the most part. To me it's similar. I agree that it doesn't necessarily have to be mutual, but the implication is that she would like for it to be mutual when she says it. I don't think such a bond NECESSARILY requires commitment in the form of monogamy if that's what you were implying. Hehe, anyway cute post!
@Lalaleah_Love@xanga - I wasn't implying anything and I wasn't interpreting what she meant in any of my comments. I was expressing the way I, personally, view love and How I, personally, express love. All of her questions were directed at how I handle the words I love you Not about how I think she does. We all handle love in our own way I don't judge how others do it, I do know what works for me.
I tend to fall in love fast so I never say it. I'd rather they say it first because if they don't ever say it they might just be as scared but I would rather have someone that is more brave than myself I suppose. Plus if you fall fast I rarely believe I'm truly in love. But if it's someone I am comfortable with and care about and it's different than someone I'm romantic about I will always tell them I love them whether they say it first or not.
@drawmafreezone@xanga - Agreed.
I say it when I feel it. That's the only requirement for me.
I think this varies by case. I've told two people I love them, the first was in person and it was a very sweet moment (sober too!) but now I know it was lacking something. I genuinely loved the girl but it made me realize that just because you say it in person, doesn't mean it's more meaningful than by other means. In that case, she told me she loved me first and I responded. I won't lie, even though I knew I cared about her deeply, I hadn't thought of the "L" word before that point. I did feel pressured to say it back although I don't regret it now.
Anyway, with the second person, it was over text which seems less romantic and less heartfelt but it was exactly what I wanted it to be. I said it to him in this case, and he responded as well. We completely emptied our hearts out to each other and it was perfect to me. I admit, I had originally wanted to say it to him the next time I saw him but being long distance, we wouldn't see each other for another three months. The thought that something may happen to either of us before that time plagued me. I couldn't risk getting into some kind of accident, or even him, and I never got to tell him that I love him. You're never promised a tomorrow. Call it morbid or paranoid or whatever you like, but I preferred to be able to tell him while a state apart than never be able to tell him at all.
I definitely agree that it's not something to blurt out while drunk or in a playful tone, but it's not something that either gender should have to say first, in my opinion. A guy could be just as nervous about saying "I love you" as a girl would be. It is a risk to say it first but if you feel like you love a person, it's always worth it. If they don't say it back...well, atleast you told them how you feel. That's all you can do. And even more, you should be able to appreciate that they don't lie and respond that they do, then you break up shortly after because they feel pressured into something they aren't ready for.
Anyway that's my two cents.
My bf made it a guessing game. He was all like "guess what?" and told me when I was close... it started with random guesses like "you are hungry" or "you got be a gift" but i got closer with guesses like "you like me" and "you adore me"...I put off guessing "you love me" for the longest time but he knew i knew, so i finally guessed it...and he smiled and said I was right :)
He likes to say he got me to say it first, since after i guessed i said "i love you too" lol
Girlfriend said it to me first. Was afraid to say it back because I suspect so many females think love entails a shitload of sacrifice on the mens side....
Sacrifice that I wouldn't be willing to take.
I ended up opting to tell her after I discussed that very thing with her, and she explained to me that all she wanted to know was how I felt... Not whether I was willing to sacrifice myself for her.
I feel glad that I'm in a relationship where she values me as much as I value her. This is part of the reason why I love her.
This is how my drunken conversation went. It was 4 in the morning, I had just gotten home from a night at a friends and I was drunk. Not incoherently drunk or obnoxiously drunk, but... clearly drunk.I had promised my boyfriend that I would call him when I got home safely.
We had our usual chit chat, and I was laying down in bed, falling asleep while I muttered on about some useless topic.
Then it popped out of my mouth, I said "J, do you love me?".
He went silent, and kind of giggled. He said "I'm starting to, yes".
I said "Great, I guess we can finish this conversation in the morning when I'm not half drooling on myself from falling asleep".
And it went from there. He thought that I would forget asking him that question in the morning. But I didn't.
Thankfully I knew how he was feeling about me, and didn't have any hesitation. Most people know when the person who they are with is going to tell them that they love them. And he didn't get pushed back by the fact that I stupidly asked a silly question.
Other than that, I don't really have any 'I love you" stories. I've had other people say that they were falling in love with me, or loved me... but I've only said it to J, and one other person.
If you think you truly love him, then just say it. You may not get the response you want but at least he knows right?
I have waited for the other person to say I love you twice, but that doesn't mean I will always wait for the other person to say it first.
Actually, I'm kind of.. no, I am.. in a weird situation at the moment, and I usually wait for the other person to say "I love you first", even though we've said it before.. Different strokes for different folks perhaps?
@AmorVomnia7@xanga - this answer made me smile! :)
"(I’m not counting the boy I dated at 16 who dropped out of high school to become a Buddhist monk) (Seriously)"
Haha... wait what's wrong with that?
I've never, ever, ever said it first. So kudos to you for having the courage! I know it was scary, but you did it.
One reason I never said it first is because I never really meant it. I mean, I love most people I'm close to in one way, but "in" love... I only had that once and it was recent. Usually when it was said to me it was way too soon for me and I had to put off saying it back as long as I could, but eventually I say it back, even though I didn't mean it the same way.
If I DID love someone truely and they hadn't said it first, I doubt I would. In a way, I don't even think I could get to the point of loving someone like that unless they said it first. I couldn't love someone without the security of hearing for myself that we were on the same page. I know that's not really fair, but like I said I never had an issue with someone not saying it to me, my problem's always been someone telling me first when I wasn't really there.
Btw- most of these cute stories end in horrendous flames eventually lol, but at least you can look back on the good times without bitterness!
The first time a boyfriend ever said to me "I love you.", my first response was "Are you drunk? Are you high?" In my defense, he was one of those hardcore partying Russians - like party-all-night-go-to-classes-still-drunk-hardcore. After desperately getting his friends to vouch for him that he's been sober the entire day (a process that took 20 minutes due to my skepticism), I finally said it back for the first time.
In this current relationship I'm in, I wore a shirt today that says "I love my boyfriend". I later texted my boyfriend to say my shirt said my sentiments, I just haven't got the guts to say it aloud yet. He texted back "No pressure. Whenever you're ready." because he knows I once said it to someone completely undeserving of it and am still trying to recover from it. Hmm... maybe I shall save it for his birthday surprise (it's coming up).
I told my husband that I loved him first bc I really genuinely fell in love with him! I think when the time is right, you just know. He didn't say it back to me, but he gave me a shy smile in return. A month later, he confessed and told me he was really happy to hear me say, "I LOVE YOU," to him first. Guys don't always have to be the first to say it and if they don't say it back, at least they know how you feel. I rather him NOT say it back than say it and not mean it.
what happened 6 months later? :O
for me, i would just wait for the guy to say it...id feel scared and wouldnt know if he would say it back or not