Sunday, 04 September 2011
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Women and Orgasms
So, if you're like me and 50-75% of women, vaginal stimulation alone will not cause an orgasm. Clitoral stimulation is required instead. For some of us, it takes a long time and a lot of energy, and it still won't always happen. There are lots of ways to work around this, such as positions that stimulate the clitoris, positions that allow the other partner to rub the woman's clitoris, vibrators that can be worn during sex, good old-fashioned elbow grease, etc.
But I intend to focus this post around the idea that sex is not always about an orgasm.
That can be very difficult for a man to understand, as for men orgasm is typically easier to achieve, and sex rarely ends before they orgasm, therefore sex without orgasm is a rare experience for them. Many men view sex without an orgasm as a situation where something has gone terribly wrong and needs to be fixed.
So as a woman who cannot orgasm from intercourse, let me calm your worries:
Sex can be completely enjoyable without an orgasm. I'm not saying stop trying, or that we don't appreciate the effort, but don't let it get you down if you're unsuccessful.
Think of it this way, you know how sometimes food is so good people describe it as a food orgasm? That face people make when they're savoring a bite of something delicious? How they just sit there silent for a moment enjoying it? Good sex for a woman who cannot orgasm is like that. It's unbelievably pleasurable; there's not a climactic moment, but it's just awesome anyway.
Don't get me wrong, orgasms are great, and the sex probably would be better if it was that good and then ended in an orgasm. However, we can be not only happy, but totally satisfied without it.
So guys, keep trying your best, and communication is always good to help her get what she needs AND for you to get what you need to make it the best sex ever, but don't feel like it needs to happen for her to be happy unless she says so.
Are you able to achieve an orgasm through vaginal stimulation, or do you require clitoral stimulation?
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About the Author
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- From: jenessa1889@xanga
- Name: jenessa1889
- About Me: I've just finished my bachelors in psychology this spring and I started a ph D. program in neuroscience in August. I try to treat everyone with respect and to be open minded to all ideas. I like to think and debate about things, particularly in philosophy and politics. I ask questions a lot. I love to learn. I love anything artistic. I'm very touchy-feely with the people I'm close too. I'm very liberal, but I understand why some conservative ideals exist, even if I don't agree with them. I'm very against drugs (that includes alcohol), but if that were a requirement for all my friends I wouldn’t have any haha. I love life and I find myself moved to tears on a regular basis by simple little things. Sometimes I randomly think of something funny and I have to try really hard not to burst out laughing so I don’t look crazy. I like using big words.
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Comments (77)
That's pretty much how I am. Vaginal intercourse feels really, really, really good
, but I don't climax from it. However, when I'm rubbed the right way I can literally orgasm for was long as you want to rub the dang thing.
You know what? For me sex is all about getting the girl to the big G. If she doesn't... well I would be a very very very sad lil man.
I'm hyper sensitive internally and externally so orgasm has never been a problem for me. I think that if I didn't orgasm for some reason I'd still enjoy the sex though. For instance I enjoy bringing a man I love to orgasm through oral even if I never take my clothes off. For me pleasing the one I love is the ultimate thrill... and not being able to be intimate with him at all is a dark empty void
When my boyfriend and I first started having sex, for awhile I would have periods where I couldn't orgasm. After awhile I got frustrated and said something to him of the effect "I feel like this is going to cause problems later in our relationship." He got very upset and later explained to me that "sex isn't all about the orgasm. You can enjoy the act of sex itself even if you don't finish." And I thought he was right. But now I feel the same way again. Simply put: I want to get off. You don't see a guy putting his thing in the girl's va-jay-jay for awhile and then stopping before he finishes. So I expect to finish. So if not by intercourse that's fine. Whatever way works.
@reesa14@xanga - No you deserve to feel good! Are you saying that you've never been able to OR that you're not able to right now? If you've never been able to, trying spending time alone. It's really only after you get to know yourself will you be able to recognize what you like when you're with your boyfriend. If it's just an episodic thing, maybe there's a part of your relationship that you need to reevaluate? Maybe you're feeling stressed, depressed, etc? For women, orgasms are much more complex than they are for men, we need to be physically and mentally relaxed in order to finish. Our emotions come into play, so maybe you can start there and build your way up. Clitoral seems to be easiest for the majority of women; a lot can't orgasm through intercourse alone (myself included).
:)
I believe that the Acuvibe (aka. the big guns) comes in handy during hard to orgasm situations. But be careful. With great power comes great responsibility.
I was reading a sex book where the sexual psychologist recommended that a couple make love once a week and agree to purposely not orgasm. Enjoy the stroking, caressing and kissing but hold back on the orgasm so that they can get joy and excitement from each other without the pressure or orgasm that can cause many a relationship ending argument. It sounds like a good thing to do as the pressure to orgasm can really cause people to stop wanting to have sex together.
both, but I have to be very turned on/in the mood and I have to see and hear that he is in the mood too. sometimes a guy won't make much noise if any. maybe that's just the way he is and I don't expect very loud but hearing a guy moaning, too, will also get me in the mood. I mean what if I didn't make any noises and barely moaned-_- seeing and hearing him turned on causes me to feel the same. so if he doesn't seem like he's that into it, then most likely I won't be either. maybe he is into it but just doesn't like to make noise, but that's boring sex to me if the guy is a mute robot. shy guys aren't fun to have sex with:D if he thinks dirty talking is silly or funny, then he isn't my type. the guy that turned me on the most knew what he was doing and his voice and words sent me over the edge and he was older than me. guys around my age just don't do it for me lol a big d1ck means shit if he doesn't know how to tease and charm me.
I rarely orgasm during just intercourse, but dang, it still feels AMAZING. And I love how my boyfriend is so sweet about it sometimes and makes out with me while we're having sex and says, "I love you." And makes me look him in the eyes and goes soft and slow, it's really emotional and awesome. The reason it's so awesome is because I've been in two other relationships before him, both relationships lasting a year and a half and I NEVER experienced that intensely emotional and connected sex like I do with my current boyfriend. And like I said, sometimes I don't orgasm, but sex with him is still the greatest thing in world to me. :)
for me, it's both, i can reach orgasm either way and multiple times after the first one.
@superGchik@xanga - same for me. And since it's so easy, it really IS frustrating without it.
For a while, my boyfriend couldn't climax due to his medication. Him and I both felt really frustrated whenever we couldn't "get it done". I guess that's why men feel they need to make the woman orgasm, too. Because for them, without it, sex isn't really worth it.
He's back to normal now, thank goodness. :) Now it's equally enjoyable for both of us.
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The issue I seem to find among my female friends (when they complain to me how their boyfriends are getting them off) is that they don't masturbate or don't masturbate enough. Simply put, if you can't get yourself off how can you expect someone else to? Also for women orgasm is more emotional and mental than physical, with men it tends to be predominantly just a physical act. Although when positive emotions, such as love, are involved, it makes climaxing all the more enjoyable.
So in short, if you can't climax. Be honest with your partner, work on your self esteem with regards to your body, and masturbate more.
Either way I actually refuse to finish unless my partner has climaxed, vaginal or oral, she's getting off or I'll die trying! Actually that's not a bad way to go out...
@Guteman91 - good tips but sometimes there's not a problem that can be fixed, that's just the way it is. I masturbate like it's my job and I have no problem telling my partner what I do and don't like, and that doesn't really change anything. In the end the only thing that gets me off is a vibrator on my clit. there's not some psychological barrier I need to push through, that's just how my body is.
i don't agree with this at all... i understand that women can't always orgasm via vaginal intercourse alone - i know i am definitely one among those numbers. but i also almost never have sex without an orgasm...i don't think it is fair or proper for a woman to content herself to orgasmless sex!
sex itself may not be all about orgasm but a sexual encountner should more consistently include orgasm than not. women like me who need clitorial stimulation via oral, toys, etc, etc, should make sure these things are included in their sexual experience.
a woman should experience orgasm during a sexual encounter - be it before, after or during intercourse, and her and her SO should utilize whatever toys or methods she needs to achieve this. she should not sit back and say "i can't orgasm without ____, so it is okay not to orgasm because the sex is still good" - she should say, "i can't orgasm without ______, so let's make sure we _______ in addition to the good sex." this is part of healthy sexuality and women should not sell themselves short of this.
@haltija@xanga - i think it depends on the person. I've tried incorporating toys into sex, and it does work and get me to an orgasm, but it's not nearly as enjoyable as regular sex. Toys just totally kill the mood for me. Physically they feel good but mentally it's just awkward and boring. I can't feel the passion with the plastic and rubber and straps and noisy vibration (omg that's the worst part, such a mood killer) and all that bullshit.
I've had sex with toys that brought me to an orgasm and it's no where near the best sex I've had.
Is really really good but an orgasm is not likely to happen with something extra.
@juliamegan@xanga - I've bee able to orgasm before, both through intercourse and clitoral stimulation, although intercourse is much more difficult for me. Thankfully our relationship progressed and he knows now that I really appreciate finishing, no matter the technique. Sometimes though it still is really difficult due to some of the factors you mentioned (like not being physically or mentally relaxed).
and thank you for the encouragement :)
I consider myself lucky because the first time I had sex, I actually orgasmed. The guy knew that it was my first time, and he made sure that I enjoyed it. I thought that my first orgasm was amazing, and I was wrong. With my SO now, OH MY SWEET SANDWICHES he knows how to stimulate me. My record with him is 6 times, and usually the last 3 are sort of simultaneous. I'm telling you, ladies, request that your man rubs your clit while one of you is thrusting. In my case, me being on top while he rubs works the best.
Why do women need orgasms? It's not biologically needed to produce life. It's the orgasm of the man that will bring life. Pleasure for the female is not a requirement.
@jenessa1889@xanga - not liking toys is fine - they really can be a hassle and moodkill sometimes! but that doesn't mean you can't possibly achieve a clitoral orgasm during sex, either..
there are a lot of positions that you can use to stimulate the clit - or you or your partner can do it the old fashioned way with your fingers. there are lubes that can be applied that increase sensitivity. oral beforehand or after can be very intimate. etc etc etc! the possibilities are endless even if you don't like toys.
@haltija@xanga - i've never tried any of those lubes before, i figured it was just a gimmick. got a recommendation? fingers just do not do it for me anymore, not sure why
@jenessa1889@xanga - i have one made by a brand for a local store called y not. i find it works wonders for me! watch out for the ones that promise a heating/warming sensation - i find that in general those just make me feel like i have a UTI...in general it is best just to look for ones that promise increased/heightened sensitivity. the ones that offer a cooling sensation are a trip but fun if you're in the mood, too. (:
I view it as something going wrong if I don't orgasm. >.> I cannot be "totally satisfied" without it, if you start something it must be finished.
Yep.