Friday, 02 September 2011
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Love Addiction Withdrawal: An Everyday Battle
It's been 1 month and 16 days since I cut and burned myself and shaved my head "Britney style."
It's been 2 months and 16 days since I had any alcohol. Maybe I was detoxing. Maybe it was PMS.
It's been 1 month and 16 days since I deactivated myself from social networking sites and other social events.
It's been 1 month and 16 days since I felt the deep agony of his rejection and went through severe withdrawal.
I completely fell apart.I can't believe I was acting like that girl from Twilight in New Moon when her vampire boyfriend left her.
It was such a familiar way for me to act, yet, this time the intensity was exponential. What made it harder for me was that I didn't try to numb myself by O.D.'ing on pills. I was actually FEELING my feelings. And damn, it hurt. The pain took me back to my childhood of being the chubby girl who was never asked out to prom or any winter formals. It took me back to the little girl who didn't recognize rejection and instead became a recluse and tinkered with her magical musical toys.
The recent cute party girl that drank and got high and could hold her own with the boys was a facade; a projection, an antithesis of someone who was actually insecure.
It took about a good week of grieving and moping about and writing depressing love songs for me to finally decide to get my shit together.
And then, I fantasized about turning my life around, losing weight and running into him again at the beach in a hot bikini. Maybe I wasn't motivated to look good for myself, but hey, at least I had motivation.
- I religiously went to the gym every day and lost a good 18 pounds.
- I went to S.L.A.A. meetings and shared how crazy I felt about my "Qualifier," a guy I barely know. It was very helpful and it was comforting to know I had a place to go if I felt like I burdened my friends with my guy woes.
- I listened to old archives of the radio show "Loveline" and took heed of Adam Carolla & Dr. Drew's advice.
- I went on casual non-coital dates via OkCupid. Met some friends and kept my legs closed.
- I got 2 new jobs; one part time during the day, and another at night and weekends.
I'm on a roll, right?
My head shaving days seemed so long ago, until now.
Today, at work I was the new girl who still needed help on how to do a few things here and there. Let's call him Nick. He was really nice and I got a good vibe from him. He was very cute and looked a lot like a guy I sat next to years ago in a music theory class who liked me. Maybe it was karma, maybe it was a chance for me to get my heart broken by Music-theory-boy's doppleganger. I felt the devil on my shoulders rubbing her hands together with a sly smile saying, "here's the next one." Stop it. Stop it. I have to nip it in the bud before this escalates into another full-blown head shaving session. Breathe. *sigh* Good girl.
Then someone came into the restaurant I worked who looked like my qualifier. He was the caucasian version of him; same height, same style of beard trimming, and uncanny similar features. I couldn't stop staring at him. He ordered a 22 ounce Stella and was very unsuspecting of me. I kept having flashbacks of moments with my qualifier. I kept seeing him in my mind, I heard his voice loud and clear in my head and I wanted to stab myself right then and there in front of the customers. He is haunting me.
It's not fair. Why is it that just when I think I'm getting over him something happens where I remember him and fall in love all over again? I checked his Facebook profile (I'm deactivated so I can only see his default pic). He changed it to an illustration of a man and woman standing together, looking into the horizon at God's light. I would like to think it's about me; that he misses me and is communicating to me by changing his pictures but that would be crazy.
I guess the only thing I can do is hit the refresh button on his page now and then, and go work out.
Is there anyone out there as insane as me? We try so hard to let go of the past and keep ourselves busy. The second we feel better about ourselves something comes from left field to remind you of that person. Why does the universe constantly remind us of our pain?
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About the Author
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- From: BeatificVision
- Name: BeatificVision
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
- About Me: Recovering love addict...tales of euphoria, obsession, withdrawal and pain.
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Comments (35)
I am so sorry you felt that breakup so acutely. I've never heard of something to quite that extent. I, too, am often reminded of exes, but I do not feel the pain as intensely as you do, because (with one exception) I find ways to tell myself that it wasn't meant to be, that it would have been bad, etc.
One of my girl friends' most recent ex married last year. She's been put on anti-depressant meds and she thinks of him often and goes onto his Facebook page all the time, but swears she's over him. I, on the other hand, did get insanely mad when I found out that my very first ex (he used to hit me and stuff) got married as well, but I maintained my sanity by avoiding all things exes-related. Although my last ex and I are trying to maintain a friendship relationship, 99% of the time we try to hang out as friends, we end up arguing then talking our issues through (repeat 100x). We're still on talking terms, but we keep our distance and it works best that way. I like to get over everything by going out and experiencing new things, meet new people, attend as many events as possible, casual-date everyone, find new crushes... *LoL* Seemingly like what you've been doing. :)
You know, it's funny, but I'm currently going through the same thing.
If you ever need an ear for it, I'm pretty open to listening. It's difficult, and I write about him a lot when those days happen, or poetry. They both seem to ease things.
I always feel like I take two steps forward, and then fall back five...
You are pretty much telling MY story. Yes, insanity, truly IS the word for it. I am in recovery now, from substance abuse, eating disorder, cutting, and relationship/sex/romance addiction. I haven't used, cut, or starved myself for a goof few months, but the relationship thing is beating my *ss.
I work with mine, so no contact is truly impossible. It's like a recovering alcoholic working in a bar...sheesh.
Thanks for sharing so honestly and eloquently about an issue that is real and important. This addiction is truly life destroying and just as difficult to beat as any other. And, like any addiction, people who don't have to deal with it often say 'why don't you just stop?'...the stopping is ok, it's the staying stopped,. and the not going there with the next one...that's so darn hard.
Wow, the devil on the shoulder. I SO relate to that. The familiar tingle. AAaaackkkk.
Stay strong, don't go there, life is full of good healthy joys if we let ourselves have them..I am writing my fourth step. Wowie kazowie
Proud of you for fighting through this. You're worth it. I know it may seem silly coming from a total stranger, but I believe in you and I'm here if you ever need any support. <3
@ccccourage@xanga - i got to school with my ex and yeah, youre right, its like an alcoholic in a bar. I have to remind myself everyday that there are better guys out there. There are better guys out there right? :)
gah! this sounds so scarily familiar. i hang on way too much to the past, but the second i begin to get better and keep myself busy and feel like i'm moving past everything. then something reminds me of him and i glance his facebook and things spiral down from there and i just remember everything.
It's all in your head. Had a really intense dream of my ex that gave me a rush of those feelings again, felt like we were really back together. Woke up and felt like crap. But eventually I shrugged it off and blame my mind for playing tricks on me. The less you think about it, the better you are :)
This is probably the post on Datingish that I can relate to the most O_O
I'm going through this too.. not to your extent of shaving your head and drinking, but I've been destroying myself ever since my ex cheated on me. I don't like how I am now and I wish I wasn't like this. It's like a disease. I've been fighting this for 10 months now. I usually shut myself out from the world to deal with it. From there, I either do positive or negative things. I could be blogging my frustration away, listening to my favourite songs, taking a nice warm shower, eating my favourite food etc. The bad things I do to myself would be thinking about him too much, breaking down, trying to keep up with his current life (updating myself with info about him.. what he's been up to etc.) This is no good for me and I can't stop. I still love him a lot and I don't know what to do about it, so I cope with whatever ways that I can. I don't really care what others think of me and won't stop 'cause someone told me to. My life has been messed up for a long time 'cause of it. I've gotten significantly better from when it happened, but even the rare days when I think I'm getting closer to moving on, pretty soon I'll be reminded of him again and drawn back. I don't have any advice for you 'cause we're on the same boat here, but at least you know that there's someone else out there as insane as you if not more.
I guess I'm in this same boat.
My ex and I have been split for 1 year 3 months now. It seems like every 3 or so months, right when I'm thinking it's finally really over, and I can forget it all and move on, he decides to pop in again. I kind of hate it.
This happened again 3 days ago. It's a hard thing to deal with. I don't want to reject him, block him, tell him that I hate him, or forgive him. It's like I don't want anything at all, I just want it to not be there anymore. Idk. But getting that feeling that something keeps taunting you? I can completely relate.
"Is there anyone out there as insane as me?" Yes. :)
Perhaps you feel that the universe is "reminding" you because you still have unresolved feelings towards this person?
The universe is a reflection of our subconscious, a mirror of what we feel deep inside. So when we see certain outside events, things, or people triggering an uncomfortable response from us, it's a watery reflection of unresolved feelings we have inside.
Just takes time. The best thing to do is to IGNORE. Continue loving and protecting yourself: she needs you the most.
Not much else I can say to you that others haven't already... I think majority of women relate to you and think they are insane. I never shaved my head either, but we all have our own methods of self-destruction. It's like your skin is crawling and you resort to anything to make it stop. Did you ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's really a great thing to watch when you're feeling this way. When all you want is to rip the memories out of your brain and it just doesn't work... that movie kind of brings you back to reality... that those memories are there forever for a reason. The pain you are feeling now are the building blocks of the new you, the older you, the more experienced you. Once the sting is FINALLY gone, you'll be grateful to have gotten out alive and hopefully even realize you are better for it. Stay strong, you won't be crazy forever.
Apparently there are alot of people like that out there.. The worst for me was when my ex cheated on me.. At first I was completely hurt, but the thing that hurt me the most... He cheated on me with my friend, and alot of my friends were in the room with him and NO ONE told me.... I ended up cutting myself and having to go to the hospital to get stitches.. It was most definitly the worst time of my life... I think about it now and think "how stupid was I?".. I shouldnt be so upset over something some idiot did to me... I do regret ever being with him now and because of him.. I am more cautious as to who I hang around with.. The best thing is time.. Time really does heal everything :)
I'm obsessed with my ex. I used to stalk him, threaten suicide if he left me.
My addiction to him ended me up in a psychiatric home for trying to jump out of the window of my 42nd floor bedroom.
It's so humiliating to think of how I lost control like a monster. Sometimes i still email him, of course with no reply, even though hes moved to the other end of the world..
I totally understand where you are coming from. After my significant breakups, I would go into a shut down mode. I would numb myself by watching insane amounts of tv and throw myself into any distraction I can find. It's terrible to say this but I know that falling for someone else helps speed things along. Not a rebound fling, but someone you actually fall for and genuinely like.
The reminders are like motivation. They are to me, anyways. I've recently started working on myself and I feel great. I sometimes wonder if my ex ever wanders over to my page, and if he does. I want him to see how much better I am without him. However, I know he's doing crappy so I don't really need to do it so much anymore. So I can focus on myself :D
You put too much of your focus on one person. Don't do that.
HA! I was just wondering that. Becase you get your crap together and then wam someone walks into your life and destructs all the progress you've accomplishe oh so succesfully.
I was completely emotionless during my last breakup. We were together for a year and a half, and the day we broke up, was the last day we talked, I don't think our relationship was even that bad, it's just that something was telling me I didn't belong with him (I.E. another guy..). It's been 8 months, I haven't seen him, haven't talked to him, I'm not even friends with him on Facebook anymore. It's like we never happened. I've been with my current boyfriend for 6 months (I.E. the other guy..) and I am happier than I've ever been. I'm afraid that if there was ever an end to us, what you wrote is what would happen to me. Probably even worse. I can't even IMAGINE it.
I can completely relate to this. I'm pretty sure I've gone mental since my ex broke up with me. Every day is a battle, and it's been nearly five months. I've gone through the same thing at least three times in these months. I start to feel like I'm okay, then it's like everything comes rushing back like it's day one again.
It's kind of comforting to know I'm not alone, though. Somewhat.
My SO have gone through some bullshit... I still can't decide whether we're redeemable or not. But I have definitely become someone I don't recognize because of it. But I won't let go. </3
ME. I wouldn't encourage anyone to read my blogs, but it's all about me and my recent breakup and I'm fucking nuts right now lol. I've never felt so good to see one of the featured blogs be about Love Addiction Withdrawal because I'm totally going through it now.
I'm going through some withdrawal right now, but I'm getting through it by reminding myself I've been through worse, a greater heart break than this, and managed to get through it after 8 months and now I'm friends with the guy again (since we had been friends for so long before I fell in love...6 years of friendship). I keep my old xanga just so I can remember all my pain and misery and feeling like I couldn't go on without him, and knowing now how little I care about them. It reminds me that the pain always passes, someone always fills the void.
Man, you guys think You're crazy?? Me and my ex have been broken up for 4 Years, and I still think I'm in love with him at times. Especially after having a dream, where he tells me he loves me, and shit. -______- Makes my fucking brain wanna explode.....
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