Okay, so here's the deal. My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately. Well, I've been getting angry with him, is more like it. The reason I've been getting upset is simple. I want to spend more time with him.
Out of the past two and a half weeks, I cannot think of an occasion where he was not with friends. Any night that he and I are not spending time together, if he is not working, he will be out with friends. I understand the importance of being with friends and I by no means want to see him 24/7. It's just that out of that two and a half week period, I can count the times he's been with me on one hand.. almost. And of those times he's been with me, only THREE have been just US. Every other time one of his friends has also been there.
I'm okay with that too. But today I was craving quality time. It's one of his days off from work and I texted him early in the day to "reserve my spot" with him, because I usually have to be early, otherwise he'll have other plans. But he tells me he doesn't think we can hang out because he's going to be with friends whom he was with last night, and the night before, and the night before. He said they'd be going to a game. And when I texted later in the night to see if said game was over, he told me they hadn't even gone.
It just doesn't make sense to me that he wouldn't try to make plans if the plans with his friends had fallen through. It doesn't make sense to me that he texts me after I bring this up to him and says, "I don't know what you want me to do. I can't hang out with you every night."
I hate being the one to have to initiate hanging out. I hate feeling like I'm the only one in this relationship who needs quality time. He claims that he won't see these friends as much when we go to college. But he won't be seeing much of me either as we are going to different colleges. I guess I just don't understand why he can tell me that he loves me and that he wants to have a relationship with me, yet want to spend most of his time with his friends instead of me.
I don't know If I chalk it up to him being young or him not really being as invested in this relationship as i thought he was.
Any advice?
Recommend
Comments (30)
Honestly it sounds like he's distancing himself because he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I've been there before and it really sucks. You should just break up with him before he does it to you.
a guy that doesn't make an effort to spend SOME time with you probably shouldn't be your bf. maybe start hanging out with your own friends, see how he likes it? it could backfire though... either way i understand your position, it's frustrating.
"reserve your spot" ... pretty lame when this dude is supposed to love you and want to see you. i went through this with my current bf a while ago, but it was during kind of a rough time for us. he's gotten a lot better with that sort of thing, always makes me feel first without blowing off his friends. idk. have ONE. serious talk with him about it. not big fight, just a serious talk, make sure he knows how you feel, and if he really doesn't make an effort after that, i would leave! (i almost did!)
@LoveeLikeASunset@xanga - And that's jumping to conclusions. You don't know him, or his personality. So you don't know if that's actually what's going on in his head.
OP: I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I are having the same issue right now. And he has said the same exact thing to me as well, (we can't be together every night). I just don't think guys understand that us girls need quality alone time to be with our man. To talk, enjoy each other's company (no I'm not eluding to sex), or even just to cuddle. I've tried to explain it to him, and when I do it works out for a little while, but then I have to talk to him again about it, and I'm nagging him about the same thing over and over again.
@xhalesx@revelife - I know I don't know, I said that's what it seems like is happening. She asked for advice, I gave it.
If he's not hanging out with you then obviously something is up. I agree with @Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga . Have a talk with him, and if things don't change then it's time to leave. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you.
His love style doesn't match yours. Break up cleanly, and find someone whose need for quality time more closely matches your own needs.
I personally wouldn't put up with it myself but then again I put up with a lot of stuff with my bf that's sort of similar but in a different context. So dump him before he does that to you!
This sounds EXACTLY like my last relationship. He even left me the night of MY BIRTHDAY to go hang out with his friends, and get drunk nonetheless. IN MY OPINION, you definitely should break up, but that's just me, I don't know you're entire situation. I found someone who LOVES spending time with me, and puts me before his friends, none of this "bros before hoes" bullshit. Of course we are in a serious relationship, and by serious, I mean we plan on getting married. So, I mean, I guess everyone is different. Anyway, you're boyfriend should want to spend time with you on most days, and then maybe set aside one or two days to hang out with friends during the week or every other week. However, my boyfriend is also my friend, so we hang out pretty much every day, I don't really know if this is healthy, but we're both happy with it. We both only have a couple of friends that we hang out with, and we always include one another when we hang out with our friends, so technically we're always together, it's just a matter of whether it's just us, or us with friends. Like I said, everyone is different, but the thing is, you should find someone who wants quality time as much as you do. It will save you a lot of heartache and pain, trust me. I know how it feels to be neglected. :/ Good luck to you.
@lyrra_askavi@xanga - I agree with this person.
you left a pretty important detail out: for how long have you been seeing this guy? in any case, i've always believed that actions speak louder than words, and anyone who cancels their plans and doesn't schedule something with you when you've made the invitation to hang out is someone not worth my time.
Some people need more time with their friends than others - but if that's not compatible with what you want, then you're headed for misery. I suggest talking to him, but if he doesn't change his ways, leave. You'll end up miserable if you keep putting up with something you hate so much!
Clearly, while you still crave face time with your bf, he doesn't crave that with you. He wants to hang out with his friends with you or without you, but he doesn't want to hang out with you without his friends. If you have brought this up and he just says, "I can't hang out with you everynight" then he doesn't WANT to even spend the bare minumum time that HE HAS been spending with you, because in his mind, he could have chilled with his buddies in stead. He doesn't appreciate the time he does get the spend with you, so make some new friends of your own and stop trying to hang out with your "said boyfriend." His priorities and yours are not aligned and you need to free him so he can hang out with his friends FULL TIME.
I live with my fiance and we spend almost every day/night together. Every now and then, he'd let me know in advance that he's going to have a boys' night out at his best friend's house and I schedule time with my girl friends on the same time so we don't clash. But generally, we keep an even schedule so the time we set apart for our friends don't interrupt OUR quality time. That being said, if you're miserable, then cut lose and get out. Of course, this would totally change in context if you also included HOW LONG you have been going out with this guy.
If it's been only 2 months and you're freaking out, then you need to chill out, make some friends and have your own time until he adjusts to the amount of attention YOU need in this relationship.
If it's been for 2 yrs and this sudden, "I don't want to hang out with you because my buddies are fun" then you need to talk things out and figure things so that you either LEAVE to be with someone who wants the same things YOU DO or clarify if you were smothering him with needy attention. Whatever it is, MAKE a decision and in the end of the day, it's not WHO breaks up with WHOM first, if he doesn't want what you want, then let him go so he can have all the buddy time he wants!
PS: i hope the "quality couple time" wasn't just for sex, if so, END it.
something similar happened to me and what I did was ignore him
if you pay too much attention to him and initiate it all the time, he'll take you for granted, because he knows that you'll be calling/texting him to make plans since he knows that he has you wrapped around his fingertips. I ignored my guy for 1-2 weeks at a time and then he starts to miss me and initiate things with me. so reverse it and maybe he'll take a step back from his bromances and wonder where you're at and initiate conversations/dates with you. if not and he doesn't even notice that you hadn't contacted him, then he is just not that into you and/or isn't ready to be in an actively committed relationship of mutual communication.
I am on the same boat! Except mine is very.. loyal? to his parents instead of his friends. We go away from home for college and when it hits the weekend, he drives back to see his family.. Every. Weekend. It just stinks since instead of taking the weekend to spend time with me, I'm left here pretty much by myself since I don't want to make coming to his house with him a habit. He's not very social compared to me, so I know he's not going home to go out. But he tells me not to compare our relationship with that of others (since I see that some of my couple friends do spend a great amount of quality time together compared to us). I try not to be so envious, but I totally understand how you feel. I've been meaning to talk to my SO for a long time about this but his response is redundant. I just keep telling myself to enjoy the times we do have together since it is such a rare thing.
Maybe you should try planning out your schedule ahead of time like when he gets off of work or so. Otherwise, if you're going to separate colleges, good luck since it's usually a hit or miss for almost every couple I've met in that situation.
I am sure that my man's friends get more time with him than I do. But now that I've recently expanded my commitments and therefore have less available time for him, I find that I don't mind it as much. Also, on knowing that university, my job as a bartender, my other job as a design intern and my other other job as a part-time model is going take up a large chunk of my available time, I swear he has stepped up the game by surprising me with visits whenever he can, no matter how late or what sacrifices he may have to make (mostly sleep!).
So my advice is, get a life. Keep yourself occupied, make your time more limited and therefore a precious commodity. Something rare is always in demand. Even if that doesn't provoke him into action, at least you're enriching your own life and having fun.
@LoveeLikeASunset@xanga - Completely agree.
I was in a similar situation. Though I see my boyfriend practically every night, many times he will make plans with other people at the last minute. It's fine, but I get upset sometimes because I was expecting to hang out with him. I've told him that I'm the type of person who likes to know what's going on, and I like to know my schedule for the week - since then, he's gotten a lot better at telling me when he makes plans. In regards to spending quality time with you... my boyfriend thinks ANY time we are together is quality time. If I am sleeping in his room and he's out on the couch with friends, he considers that time together. I had to tell him that while I don't need him to spend all his time with me, I'd love to have a night or two a week where it's just us- because that is my definition of quality time. Point is, talk to him about how you feel. I told my boyfriend I felt neglected, and he said he will try to change that. Telling him how he's making you feel is the only way it will change. If he doesn't change, then he's not that invested in your relationship.
Moncler Men Down Jackets
Men Down-Hat
Men Down-No Hat
Men Long Down
Moncler Women Down Jackets
Women Long Down
Women Short Style
Moncler Men Sweaters
Moncler Men's Hoodies
Moncler Men Vests
Moncler Women Vests
Moncler Women Boots
Moncler Caps & Scarf
Moncler Handbags
Stop being so needy and get friends of your own. Or get a hobby (or two or three). Like it or not, even if they really love the girl to death, they're still quite aggravating to be around and suck a lot of energy out of a guy.
im going through the same thing. this summer i was away and he was at his parents where he got bored a lot so he gave me crapload of attention.i felt awesome but now school starts tomm and he lives with his friends and i know how its gonna be again. thye party drink every night and every single time he spends with me he tells me how he feels hes ignoring his friends.makes me really really angry but over the year i have realized theres not much i can do about it. A) i can leave him but i dont want to or B) i can put up with that or C) i can just do my own thing and ignore him for a bit and he'll come around.well thats my POA this semester cuz last term was hell cuz of this issue. but trust me i tired aruguing and forcing mine to spend time with me and that didnt do good for us.so just leave it be. guys this age just want a lot of guy time i guess.
Sounds like you want more private time with him, let him know that.
I had a man-friend like you. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I wanted to just be good friends. I don't know what sort of hobbies, friends, or activities you have going on - but I suggest upping the ante. Like someone else said, "get a life". Maybe you don't have enough going on in your life and he knows he can see you whenever he wants because you're always "there", so he isn't so eager to hang out? My man-friend was that way. I had a ton going on in my life and he had nothing, nor was he eager to do more than work, so he was always begging me for time. It annoyed the hell out of me.
Before you sit him down and have a "big serious talk" like many have said to do, I'd think about what kind of guy he is. He already thinks you're asking for too much time and obviously wants distance. Sitting him down for a 'heart to heart' could irritate him and push him further away. When my man-friend would sit me down for "those" talks, which he seemed to want all the damn time, I only wanted him to leave me alone even more. The talks got us nowhere, they just let him vent about his clingy issues. It only made me bitter towards him.
Because you're about to go to different colleges, you might be acting more clingy in fear that you will break up or won't be close. He may be distancing himself to get the full experience (you should be experiencing college to the fullest by the way) and/or just wants to hang with his friends. I would distance yourself some and get more things going on in your life. Leave him alone and let him come around to you. If he doesn't come around, well then obviously it's time to break up.
I'd chalk it up to the age thing. I feel like for most people that age, your friends are what you really need to be around.