Tuesday, 30 August 2011
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He's Just "Dicking Around" with an Ex?
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.So this guy and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months. If I allowed for it to be "official," we'd basically be going out already.
When we starting seeing each other around the end of August (he broke up with her at the end of July after a year and a half relationship, being each other's first) he would always tell me that he hated her, and that he didn't go places because he didn't want to see her or be around her. That's why I basically assumed that they just didn't talk any more.
Recently, after doing some snooping (unfortunately), I found out that they were still talking while he starting being "interested" in me, even though he would passionately tell me that he wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
Without my knowledge, somewhere in October/November, he showed up at her house and asked her to come out but she wasn't allowed to. He also began texting her. And even worse, he would talk to her whenever we got into arguments. We've gone days and at most a week not talking to each other over a disagreement.
I asked him about it. I told him to tell me if he still had feelings for his ex or not, but he says that he doesn't even like her one bit and wants nothing to do with her in that sort of way. But then when I asked him why he showed up at her house, he said it was because "she was on the way home." That's really not a good excuse and makes no sense to me. It's not in line with "how much he doesn't want anything to do with her."
Right after, I asked him why he still talked to her and texted her, he said he's just "dicking around." He doesn't like being around her but he doesn't mind just chatting with her in a "plain" manner. However, the frustrating thing is that she's still completely in love with him. That makes me super uncomfortable.
His words clearly don't match up with his actions, so what should I believe? Should I believe that he really wants nothing to do with her and that he was just "dicking around?" I know he wouldn't cheat on me... but do you think he actually is still missing her, or using her as a rebound whenever I'm not around? Almost like he's trying to keep her around just in case we mess up?
What would you do?
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Comments (62)
I'd tell him that "dicking around" isn't a very good psuedo for being a douche. I would just not let myself get too hyped up about it because you said that you aren't official, so why should it matter so much to you if he's still talking to her or not? If you aren't going to be an actual relationship, he isn't really doing anything to go against it.
oh my dear, you are in trouble. From personal experience let me tell you that maybe right now he wouldn't cheat on you, but eventually "dicking around" leads to that. And exes are just a boat load of trouble waiting to happen. Actions speak louder than words; always remember that. Maybe he is different from others guys (most likely not), but let me tell you what will happen. Your heart is going to break each time you find out he texted his ex or someone else even though to him he was only "dicking around." The problem with "dicking around" is that if he doesn't feel guilty about it he will continue to push further and further until he actually does act on it. So either cut your losses and move on to bigger and better things or prepare yourself that there is a good chance it's only going to get worse. I wish you luck, but tough decisions are better to have to make in the beginning than later on in the relationship, especially if later on kids are involved too.
The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. Looks like you're the rebound girl, which is why the two of you are still not official yet. Sorry about that.
I don't think that he's using her as a rebound, I think that hes using you as a rebound. He is still in love with her if he goes through the trouble of sneaking around just to stay in contact with her. You should definitely break up with him.
Maybe you were the rebound?
this doesn't sound like a very nice boy. you and the ex would probably be better off without him.
break up with him. sounds pretty obvious he's still got feelings with his ex and not over her completely. cut your losses now than later down the road. My mom thinks that if you have this much problems before marriage, you might have more after. Whether that's true or not, idk. I think that relationships should be happy 90% of the time though.
If you aren't official, he can dick around as much as he wants, he doesn't answer to you and vice versa. He CAN'T cheat on you, because you aren't a couple. But he may very well be doing more than texting her, or anyone else for that matter and honestly it's not your place to tell him not to even if it hurts your feelings.
You have two options to deal with those feelings.
#1: Do some dicking around yourself. Why should you be in a one-sided relationship? You're just as single as he is so stop putting all your eggs in his basket.
#2: If you can't possibly see yourself with anyone but him- TELL HIM. If you want to be his girlfriend and truely put an end to his talking to his ex then you need a commitment from him. You can't force one obviously, but you can express yourself to him.
Either choice could make you uncomfortable, but both are a means to an end of feeling like shit. Good luck.
You sound like you're about 13 or so. My advice? Drop him. You don't really need a douche in your life.
Kinda sounds like one of my ex's... Was with him over a year and he just cheated on me many times... Of course with this girl that half of my exs cheated on me with... 3 guys.. All cheated on me with the same slutty bitch.. Sorry, has no thing really to do with this post :P Just ranting lmao
Let him go. He has unfinished business with someone else. You don't want to be someones second choice. And no matter how hard he tells you otherwise, his actions show you differently. When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them.
"dicking around" is extremely disrespectful to you. you need a label in this relationship, being "unofficial" allows him to do whatever the hell he wants without feeling guilty because you guys aren't in a committed relationship. you need to make it official, sit him down and set limits, or you need to break it off with him. i'm sorry, but it sounds like you are the rebound girl.
@oneLBcloser@xanga - yeah this is pretty much the only intelligent comment here.
everyone else is calling him a douche, but he's not. YOU are the one that have chosen to not be official. you've clearly left out some details here that i will infer (correct me if they're wrong). i assume that he asked you if you want to be official, right? and you said no? if he was looking to be in a relationship with you and you shut him down, no wonder he's going to chat with someone with whom he knows he'll get what he wants. you have absolutely NO right to tell him what he can or can't do with other people. stop being selfish, because he's not your bitch.
if i'm wrong with my assumption though, what i said does not (necessarily) apply.
@amusing_and_confusing@xanga - @IHeartEarth@xanga - @stanlee255@xanga - @andreaaaaah@lovelyish -
Ikr."I know he wouldn't cheat on me" No you don't. And he sounds like an asshole! Telling you he hates her so much and he was practically embarrassed by her? This all sounds like nothing but trouble, just get out asap. When he breaks your heart, and don't for one second think he wont, you're gonna regret ever staying with him. Any guy who keeps his ex around when there are still feelings on either end, not a good idea.
if he hates her then why is he talking to her, going to her house?
I would hate to be mean, but why are you dumb?! LEAVE!
he can kiss my ass
he's stringing his ex-gf along because he likes knowing that she is still in love with him. then he loves seeing you jealous when he talks to or hangs out with his ex. since they were each other's firsts, then most likely, his first love will be difficult to just let go, so he makes excuses to talk/see her and denies that he still likes her. since you're not officially together, then do you actually go on dates with him or talk to him often? maybe he is just an attention whore and craves female attention, so he is "dicking around" with his ex because he's a shameless flirt
I think you are the rebound girl and I think you should go. Not worth the trouble of staying.
@mystic_sapphire@xanga - I would think it would be. It's weird indifference would be it(the opposite of love). I kind of prefer hate because I always here that phrase: there is a thin line between love and hate. I think it makes a bit more sense.
You have refused to make your relationship official and you're snooping around, invading his privacy. Yet, you mistrust him about another girl? Do you not see what incredible bullshit that is?
I say, since you have decided to NOT be his girlfriend (from the beginning of your blog), what's it to you what he does or doesn't do? He isn't yours.
actions speak louder than words and you can see what his actions are
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - @Crossed_Out_Name@xanga - Exactly.
Dump this guy.
lmao this almost sounds like it coulda been written by my last boyfriends new girlfriend... I know it wasn't because I quit talking to him in june, but it's basically the same situation... so my advice to you, he's either having sex w/ her, or he's going to- dump him.
It doesn't sound good that you fall out and don't speak for a week sometimes. Is it really worth it?