Saturday, 27 August 2011
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Sex by the Numbers (of Partners)
Certain milestones in the cornucopia of life experiences are unavoidable. Puberty, the death of a loved one, the time you woke up in a stranger's bathtub holding a Motley Crue record and wearing one shoe, etc. These are all rights of passage extensively documented and understood as inherent to the human experience. And of course, in terms of relationships, one day in your life, someone is going to pop the big question.
I’ll tell you exactly what will happen. You’ll go out to a nice dinner with your partner, order a few glasses of wine, and have some pleasant conversations about work and your bitchy neighbor who wears mumus. But all night you can see a sheen of anxiety lining the rims of his eyes. He nervously plays with his silver ware. He laughs too hard at casual jokes. His eyes dart around the restaurant, unable to focus, because he’s got one thing on his mind. There is no denying it now: he’s going to pop the big question. He turns to you.
“So, exactly how many people have you slept with?”
Like a marriage proposal, this is a discussion one can have that can bring a couple much closer together. Or, unlike (most) marriage proposals, it can be one of the most gruesome conversations two people can engage in.
This question always feels like a trap. If you’ve slept with too few people, you’re inexperienced. Too many, you’re a slut.
I personally don’t care one way or the other how many people a person has been with. I think being worried about a number is a ridiculous thing for adults to care about. What I care about is that you’ve been practicing safe sex. I think the only reason to have this discussion is for medical reasons, and for that reason, it is essential; but this has little to do with you revealing a specific number.
I also think that unless you are married (and not cheating), the older you get, the less likely you are to keep track of your specific number with much fervor. As time goes on, I find it more and more common for people my age to respond, “Wait, let me think about it for a minute...” when asked the question, rather than being able to rattle it off like their Social Security number. This does not mean they are being any less safe when they do engage in sexual activity; simply that sex by the numbers is a narrow scope to view your relationships from.
So, should you ever reveal your number to another person? As long as you and your partner are safe, I don’t see the reason to do so. But, if you are ever pressured to reveal a number, and you don’t want to tell the truth for fear of being judged, then your only option is to lie. Scientists are still debating the best faux-number to divulge, but after much thought, I have landed on the number eight. Eight is definitely experienced but not quite crossed over the line of slutty. I suspect that if you say “eight”, he’ll wipe the line of sweat off his judgmental forehead, and you’ll be back in the sack in no time, where you belong.
Do you care about numbers? Do you share your number with your partners, or do you ask your partner to share his/her number with you? Or have you ever lied about your number?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (96)
The only reason I care about numbers is because it makes me paranoid that I'm not good enough.
I've never asked someone that or been asked that question myself. For me it just seems to flow out of random conversations I have with someone I like over the course of time. I think if someone asked me something so personal out of the blue I'd think he was moving too fast.
I don't really care about the number, just as long as they were protected.
I stopped asking that question when a guy I was dating told me I was number 27 for him. It made me feel weird - not exactly insecure, but definitely inexperienced because my number was no where near as high as his.
I've only been with dudes who've slept with about 5 people or less. It would probably rub me the wrong way if I dated someone who slept with more that 20+ people, probably due to my own insecurities. But I wouldn't not date someone because of their number. Yup, the key here is protection.
I hung out with an old friend from high school the other day and he started to talk about his sexcapades. Sexcapades with no protection. I honestly don't understand this. How do people not worry about std's/pregnancy/etc.????
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - awesome...exactly
There is NEVER anything good come out of revealing what the number is...
I just tell them that it's irrelevant. Then they start to guess "is it more than "...
it's irrelevant because it will always be too low or too high.
My number has never been an issue, since it's 1, and that 1 is the guy I'm dating now. I'm his 2nd. I've never asked anyone this question, but I've definitely wondered it about a few people. The people whose number I know is because they offered it freely, without me asking (or because someone else asked).
I don't really think much of it, but people ask me all the time. Is ten low or high? I think it's probably about average.
I'd rather have the inexperienced but with a creative mind to explore fantasies together than the slutty, who would do just about anyone hot. it isn't just about protection for me, but the context, such as: how many of these partners involved him cheating on his ex-gf? has he had one night stands every other weekend for a year and barely had any serious relationships? does he jump from relationship to relationship just to have sex with his new gf because he gets bored easily because his relationships revolve mainly around sex rather than substance? did he only have sex when in a very committed relationship? so the 10 partners were over a 2 decade period so that's understandable versus 10 casual partners in a year, etc. there are many variables and different scenarios to consider. some people don't mind but I take every factor into consideration.
HA if someone asked me that I'd start fucking with them: "let me see...I think it was 76. Or maybe 77. Oh wait, I forgot those three red-headed midgets. Definitely 80."
@enoughtodiefor@xanga - HAHAHAHAHA I AM SO DOING THIS!
never lied about it and i can count my numbers with just two hands so whatever. lol. if i was out slutting it up, i could see myself doing the whole deny deny deny thing. i dont care how many women they had sex with, long as theyre std free and baby free!
i avoid answering this question at all costs. i don't like the idea of being judged on a number. maybe after the fact, i might say.
by the way, are you saying you'd date a virgin? because if so, you are definitely in a very small minority of women (over a certain age--maybe 21ish).
Um, I don't care for the number. If anything in regards to that, I care what types of people they've slept with and with WHO. I don't want to be a friend's sloppy seconds, nor have gotten with the same guy a relative has gotten with (luckily I only have one cousin who's a year older than me who but she's married and we don't go for the same types of guys)....most importantly, I don't want to get with someone who has been with nasty people. So I try to ask who they've been with.
is it just me or people who say something a long the lines of "it's none of your business" are the ones usually with a high count of partners? jus sayinnnn
@sugar_mama@xanga - soooo true
I ask because I'd like to know if I'd risk getting a dose of herpes or not.
1:1 we're each other's first :)
Since you brought it up... the guy you want to marry will most likely not want it to be a high number.
Luckily I didn't have to ask because he's forthcoming like that and the answer I got to the question I didn't ask was a zero. Made me feel better. I didn't have to worry about comparisons, my own lack of experience or stds. Good day.
i don't care about numbers. i know i'd be judged by my number, but i really don't judge anyone else.
'the time you woke up in a stranger's bathtub holding a Motley Crue record and wearing one shoe' - best, haha.
I guess numbers really don't matter as long as they practiced safe sex, but I will admit that if the number is high I do feel a little insecure, plus I am not one to judge given how many people I've slept with. My feelings on this subject are contradicting.
The last two guys I told because I wanted to admit to my trouble and inexperience because they were my second and third. I feel like at this point I don't need to do that anymore because I'm confident in my "skills" now. I don't know why anyone would want to know as long as they are clean. I would never ask a guy.
I think 8 makes you sound slutty. I'm not one to judge, but from a guy's point of view, 8 sounds like you're far from a tight, virginal vagina. I think 4 is the perfect number to say because it means you have experience. And because 5 is the number in math that you begin rounding with, if you say 4 you'll sound as though you can round down to virgin without being one. Plus, the guy will think, "Hey, I can be number 5. That's a milestone. She totally won't be able to stop thinking about me." (really bad guy impression) I think that 4 is the perfect one to disclose if you're uncomfortable disclosing your real number or if you're in the BEGINNING of a relationship. You definitely will need to fess up and be honest though if you guys end up together later on down the road.
@enoughtodiefor@xanga - LMAO WIN!